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mama251ders
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| Posted: May 07 2008 at 9:34pm | IP Logged
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On Tuesday at our co-op my 10yo ds recieved a note from a girl. This girl has made it obvious all semester that she likes him and when I asked him, he admits that he likes her too. Now, we have said no girlfriends until 16 at the earliest and so I reminded him of that. Since I help teach the class, it has been eay for me to keep an eye on it. Last week, she leaned over and erased something on his paper for him and I just about lost it! I know that was total overreaction and I am praying that I am able to let go by the time he gets married  !
However, this note is very disturbing. She wrote "I Love You" in a heart and then wrote for him not to tell anyone, not even his brother. Then she apparently put on lipstick and kissed it twice!!!! How brazen is this girl?!? She seems incredibly forward to me and it really puts me off. I also really don't like it that she encouraged him to keep something from me (or his brother, for that matter). I know she wrote that because she didn't want to be embarrassed, but it still puts me ill at ease.
So, we are not continuing with this co-op (not because of this, we had already made that decision) and she lives at least 45 minutes away so I know he will most likely never see her again. What I am most concerned with is that he wants to see the note (Oh yeah, I had the opportunity to snatch it up when he left the room and he hadn't read it yet) and I don't really want him to see it. The kisses just really don't seem appropriate for a 10yo to see. I don't want to put any ideas in his head.
I guess what I want to know is whether we should discuss this with him or not. On one hand it seems like a good teachable moment. On the other hand, the over-protective mama in me wants to just ignore it and see if it will go away. We have not really done any kind of s*x-ed or dating/courtship stuff with them yet. It seems like they are all of a sudden getting to "that" age. Also, should I talk to this girl's mother about it or just let it go? If this was your dd, would you want to know? What would you ladies do? Please, talk me down off the ledge!!
Blessings,
Betsie
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 7:24am | IP Logged
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I worry about this - from the other side, so to speak. In the last week, my dd9 has spoken about a certain 10yo boy from co-op several times. I have reminded her that she is too young for any talk of boy-friends, etc. She giggled. I'm not worried about anything further, but I am seeking a different co-op. The one we are in is Christian, not Catholic, and there is a HUGE difference. The older kids (boys and girls) are not polite, and act much to flirtatious for my taste.
I'll be watching this topic to see what ideas anyone else has.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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crusermom
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 7:41am | IP Logged
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Yikes! If that was my daughter, I would definitely want to know. The way things are nowadays - you need to start talking with your children about these things early. The purpose of dating and courtship, family rules about the age for dating, etc. Prayers!
Mary
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mama251ders
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 8:43am | IP Logged
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Okay, so that leads me to another big question...What exactly IS Courtship? And how does courtship differ from dating. I am confused about this issue as well.
Blessings,
Betsie
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MaryM
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 10:49am | IP Logged
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There is some good discussion of courtship in this this thread - What is Dating? in case your intetesed.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 11:09am | IP Logged
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There's lots of ways to go about courtship..
I think of it this way..
courtship is for those young people who are ready to get married.. it should not be drawn out over years and years in most circumstances. It's usually family centered.. the young people get to know each other in the context of family.
dating tends to be recreational, and the two young (often way to young for the marriage part to be seriously considered) get to know each other away from family.. often alone (with no other people they know) often in situations that can be near occations of sin (sitting in a dark movie theatre together etc)
And there's also the sorta combined of the two where the young people do date BUT they're old enough for it to be an actual precursor to marriage rather than just recreation.
And each person/family has their own variations within each.. so you can have things like one family may allow dating but only if two couples are going out together to avoid the totally alone scenarios. So much variation. Eventually they run into each other and overlap.
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websterm
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 1:46pm | IP Logged
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If my 13 yr old dd was writing notes w/lipstick kisses, I WOULD want to know. Teachable moment for both your son and the girl involved in her family chooses to talk to her about it. I try to be open with my daughter, doesn't stop all problems, but I hope it helps some going through these teenage years. I would sit down and read the note with your son, what does he think about a girl doing that? Talk to him about your concerns of how this young girl behaved..
I think in alot of cases, it is always good to get conversations started so that hopefully the kids will come to you rather than hide things. (Although we are having an issue in our house now, but that's another story)
Good Luck with your decision.
Marcia
Home To Learn
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 3:03pm | IP Logged
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Marcia has some good points.. I've been thinkign about it some.. I have an 11 yr old daughter and a 9.5 yr old son so can see both sides.
For my son I'd be thinking if this girl unusual in this way for your area? I know there's lots of variation in how kids act at what age in different areas. If she's not really that unusual, then I think it would be a good thing to go ahead and talk to your son now. Because even with you getting out of that situation, it's not going to be an unusual situation and talking about it and why it's not appropriate (I can just imagine how embarrassed my son would be by that note.. good clue that it's inappropriate) AND set up some way for him to deal with this or similiar things in the future. Because if the girl is not that unusual for the area, your son is going to likely need help in knowing how to deal with it and soon.
As the mother of my daughter, I would want to be told in a very low key way.. for instance.. after you had spoken with your son with or without the note.. giving the mother the note her daughter wrote, with a simple, you daughter was caught passing this note, we've spoken to our son and hope this is the end of it.
Nothing that is going to sound outright accusatory but being clear that you want it ended too. And nicely, the parents may totally agree with you or they may be blind to any negative implications (thinking it's cute or such). But also leaving it to the girl's parents to decide on how it will be addressed in their family.
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Erin
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Betsie
My dc are older than yours and were not even remotely interested or really aware of the boy/girl thing till a new family arrived to our homeschool group. Until this family with mostly girls and another family with all girls arrived our group was predominately boys except for my dd and her best friend and neither were at all interested. So now a number of families of like mind have had to address it, our boys are 11-13 the girls 9-13.
The thing is I have really wanted to stress to my children that boy/girl interest is normal and natural. I have not wanted to give them a distorted view of their s**uality, it is a gift from God and is precious as He has planned. Just thinking/sharing aloud here as this is all new territory for me too. So I am striving to find a balance. I have told the children this, that boy/girl interest is normal when they are older but have just said that boy/girls stuff at this age is silly, have really stressed the nonsense part at this age.
We did discuss with the mum in question and she was pleased we had and addressed it with her daughter, but the child (ringleader) is very strong willed and does as she likes.
A word of warning before you talk to this other mum, she may think like you but then again she may not. One thing I've learnt the hard way recently is just because another family is a family of faith and homeschools they may not necessarily view things the same way you do.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Ten yo boy/girl thing. HELP! (long)
