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MarieC
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 11:17am | IP Logged
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Help!
Our oldest son is 4.5 (just this week) and is so frustrated.
He gets so very frustrated by everything. Our most recent example, the proverbial straw I guess  , is that he was wearing a dress up costume and tried to remove it. It got stuck on his head while taking it off. His sister was sitting on the floor between us and he needed her to move in order to get to me for help. Instead of asking her to move or for me to get to him, he just started screaming. The screaming is a constant.
Sometimes I'm tempted to think he's just rude and that I haven't done a good job of raising him. However, I do think the issue is more than that. I don't know if it's just how he's wired or if it's hard keeping up with big kids (he has 3 older sisters).
I guess I'm just looking for a few hints, tips, suggestions. The constant "freaking out" is really getting to me.
I don't like the screaming, but even more, I don't like to think of this kid as so frustrated. I think it must be exhausting for him. He can play well with his sisters (and his little brother) and is often very, very sweet. But any little frustration really sets him off.
TIA for any advice!
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Marie
mom to 6
dds-98, 00, 02 and 09 & dss-03 and 06
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 12:11pm | IP Logged
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My oldest daughter is a "screamer"; it's part of her "spirited" temperament. It's usually not tantrums (although we have those, too); it's emotional meltdowns. And many of hers stem from frustration and sensitivity to noise, among other triggers. So you might look at the temperament issue.
But even with temperament, you and I both know that the constant screaming can not be allowed just for the sanity of everyone else in the house. I try to make it clear that she will not get any help or whatever it is until she asks nicely. If she is unable or unwilling to calm down, then she needs a time out as a break, not as punishment.
I'll be interested to hear what the more veteran parents have to offer up. My MIL has had a little luck with a "No Screaming" sign at her house. If my older daughter starts screaming, Granny points at the sign and then my dd knows that she can make screaming faces but not screaming noises.  I don't know if it would work at home or not.
The real fun is when older dd starts screaming from frustration, and then younger dd thinks big sister is screaming at her. So then younger dd starts screaming at the older one. Then the older one gets mad at the younger one for screaming at her. 
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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JennGM
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 12:23pm | IP Logged
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My son, 4 1/2, has been doing a bit of screaming when he's frustrated. It will be things like not being able to put on his shirt, do a puzzle, etc. I calmly tell him he's not allowed to throw a fit when he's frustrated, so I send him to his room for a short time until he calms down. I tell him in words that he's going there to calm down so he can slowly work out his problem when he comes back or calmly and politely ask for help.
I've noticed he's really trying harder to not erupt and he's staying calmer. I haven't had to send him away as much.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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mary theresa
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 1:04pm | IP Logged
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Ooh, my 2 yo is like this exactly right now!
One thing I am trying is not to react at all other that saying "I can see that you are frustrated, would you like to say 'help please'?" I think a big part of her calming down is helped by my validating, as it were, the emotion of frustration that she is having-- empathizing with her plight of being little with big ambitions KWIM?
Her screaming is annoying to me, and sometimes I do tell her that, and that it hurts my ears, but I don't actually send her away, but try to work on the attempted communication that she is trying to make.
I think that in the case of an older child who knows or should know how to communicate in a better way than screaming, maybe sending him away "until you can express your frustration without screaming" is the way to go.
I know with my daughter I try not to let her get the message that it is unacceptable to be frustrated!  Just that screaming about frustation is. I need to help her to express it in an acceptable way.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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Fuzzy
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 6:09pm | IP Logged
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My DS is almost 5, and I think it just must be the age. He gets so frustrated and so vocal about it, and it happens so fast. I would like to say it's the age, and not mommy's influence, who also gets very frustrated VERY easily.. 
We had a situation where mommy and daddy were on different pages, and didn't realize it. My son was so upset that he let out a blood-curdling scream! I would have thought he had chopped off an appendage with that kind of sound coming from his mouth.
Is it also this age that seems to drift off in their own world? I had an experience today with my DS, that he needed to be told everything 4 times. Nothing different than normal, and he seemed to ignore me. AIt is very frustrating for me, because I KNOW he knows what to do.
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 Fuzzy
Mom to DS 12, DD 10, DS 7, and DS 4, and DD 1!
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MarieC
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 11:14pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for all of your advice!
It does seem to help acknowledge his frustration....I think I'm inpatient though and don't do it consistently enough.
It's nice to know that other children this age are doing it too....more reassurance that he's "normal" than "misery loves company"....kwim?
Thanks again, ladies!
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Marie
mom to 6
dds-98, 00, 02 and 09 & dss-03 and 06
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Maddie
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| Posted: April 29 2008 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
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My 3 yo dd is a screamer too. The children say she must be related to the cousins in "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding." She has two volumes, loud and louder.
I find it really helps for me to get down to her level and speak gently to her. My calm voice and attention is sometimes all she needs. When I am able to do this I have been so rewarded by those chubby little hands on my cheeks pulling her face to mine. It's so hard to remember to do it in the middle of whatever craziness is going on in the house though.
I really think it's the age. They're still just big babies.
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Leslie
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| Posted: May 07 2008 at 9:08pm | IP Logged
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Marie,
My 4 year old daughter has always been very "spirited" and exceptionally sensitive. Even though we know some of the "whys" for her behavior, the never-ending meltdowns can still be heart-wrenching, frustrating and overwhelming (for everyone)!
This is such a little thing, but for some reason it has worked wonders in our house so I just have to share it. I've started sitting with her in her bedroom when she falls asleep at night. This is after bedtime stories, prayers, lullaby. The rule is she has to be lying down trying to sleep--no talking to me. Most nights I use that time to read my email, but I've also just sat in the peace and prayed. She has been falling asleep in less than 20 minutes and it seems like our relationship has transformed during the day time. The meltdowns are fewer between and less severe. there just seems to be something about her having my undivided attention/presence--even in silence--that seems to be giving her more strength to get through her days.
It also does wonders for me to see that peaceful little sleeping face after a trying day  .
Peace,
Leslie
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MarieC
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 9:01am | IP Logged
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Just to update....
I've tried to react differently to his screaming...kind of along the lines of what Jenn and Barbara mentioned. The best word choice for me has been what MissyC suggested to me IRL..."Don't use your tears, use words"
I've been consistently saying that and little by little my guy is starting to talk instead of scream. It seems like such a simple thing, but I think having a little "catch phrase" to use has made me more consistent and he knows exactly what I'm talking about.
The meltdowns are over quicker and many aren't even starting because he's catching himself.
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Marie
mom to 6
dds-98, 00, 02 and 09 & dss-03 and 06
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Frustrated Child
