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MommyD
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| Posted: Feb 26 2008 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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DH and I have been friends with Mary and Jo for about 5 years now. Jo is sort-of DH's boss so it is a strange relationship (I can't be totally honest with Mary like I could other friends). They have twins that turned 3 in January and they just had another baby in January. Baby #3 was in the hospital for 10 days with RSV.
Mary has always made comments about what a poor housewife she is compared to me (really untrue) and what her husband thinks of their house. I had lunch at her house once and she commented on how much chicken salad was left over and I said "lucky you, now you don't need to make dinner". Her comment was "Oh no, Jo would never go for that". Okay, picky eater, I guess. There has always been little comments like that.
Today she was very upset on the phone because her house is such a mess, a 3-year-old flooded the sink, she thinks the baby has thrush, she really has a TON on her plate. We were chatting about laundry and I commented that I can keep it washed and folded but I never seem to get it put away. She laughed and said, "Jo was just saying the other day that he is sure other housewives manage to keep up with the laundry". 
How do you encourage a friend whose husband really has unrealistic expectations? I know what I would do if that were my DH (it wouldn't be, he is much too nice and way too smart to make comments like that) but how do you help someone else?
Melissa
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nutmeg
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| Posted: Feb 26 2008 at 6:05pm | IP Logged
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I would start by building her up, giving her the respect she deserves. I would point out all that she does, and tell her that, quite frankly, NO housewife is perfect, EVERYONE struggles, and she is doing an AWESOME job with what's been put on her plate.
And I would say that every time she makes a comment like that. She needs to hear it from someone!
OK, yes, I get really perturbed when I hear about husbands who are like this. 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 26 2008 at 6:29pm | IP Logged
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Oh yes build her up everyone does much better with hearing the things they do well than ony complaints.
But also, perhaps she's disorganized in some way so that she's putting way more effert into getting things done than perhaps she needs to so that she could get more done if she had some help in figuring out ways to get things done with less effort.
Perhaps a child gate to keep the kids in one room so that they can't be creating chaos where she can't catch them as readily.
maybe she could find money for a mother's helper once a week so that she could get caught up on everything at once making it easier to keep up the rest of the week.
You know.. build her up but also help her to attempt to meet the expectations..
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EmilyC
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| Posted: Feb 27 2008 at 8:19am | IP Logged
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That sounds like my dh. I know it's because growing up his mother was (and still is) a major neat freak. Her house is immaculate. Dh assumes that our house ought to be the same way. He's not nearly as bad as he used to be, but it can be very frustrating to only hear the negative, and to have everything nitpicked.
Definitely build her up and help her to see that it isn't her job to be a perfect housewife--there is no such thing!
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Feb 27 2008 at 8:29am | IP Logged
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Okay, I'll tread lightly here - BUT, be careful when you say "build her up". It may 'go to her head' and she may resent her husbands comments even more because she feels more appreciated by someone else. KWIM? Maybe another thing to do would be to build HIM up in her mind. I wouuldn't listen to her complaints about her husbands expectations - or turn it around to make it positive in some way.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
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Mark, 5
Greta, 3
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anniemm
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| Posted: Feb 27 2008 at 5:42pm | IP Logged
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I have to sort of agree with Lisa. It is important to build her up and it is also important to draw out the positives regarding her husband. I have someone who is extremely close to me in my life who is similar. The situation is so complicated. He grew up in an immaculate house, but had a sad childhood. He never knew anything other than complete control at home. She has personal struggles with housekeeping and clutter control that she genuinely works on, but sometimes clings to. It really combines into an issue that they are both dealing with, not just her.
My mom always told me how important it is to speak positively about one's husband. I say give her some encouragement and some opportunities to speak well of her DH!
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Andrea
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nutmeg
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| Posted: Feb 27 2008 at 5:58pm | IP Logged
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I said "build her up" b/c the question was about a husband who had "unrealistic expectations". And so I assumed that the problem was with the husband, not her.
It sounds as if there may be an issue of self-esteem (for lack of a better word).... does she really think that with 3 kids ages 3 and under (twins and a newborn!) she should have an immaculate house? Is she truly beating herself up over this, or is she just complaining about her husband and rolling her eyes and laughing? If it's the latter, then, by all means, build her husband up. But, if it's the former, then she's the one who needs encouragement and a sympathetic ear.
Just my $.02
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Mae-3
And 2 in Heaven
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Feb 28 2008 at 5:44am | IP Logged
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I don't know...I still think that, no matter where the issue is stemming from, that it would be best to turn to the positive in her husband. I think that either way, building up a wife that seems to be a bit down on her husband (even if it is 'justifyable') could cause trouble. I like Jodie's idea of offering practical advise and such.
Off topic - nutmeg - I see you have a little Mae! I have a Molly Mae, we call her Mae all the time! Cute!
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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Molly Smith
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| Posted: Feb 28 2008 at 6:50am | IP Logged
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I know this is really hard to do because you don't actually live in their house, but I'd encourage you to help her determine what is realistic or unrealistic.
For instance, it would not be realistic to serve my dh leftover chicken salad for dinner. He doesn't always get lunch during the day and he's hungry for more than a sandwich for dinner. Making a menu plan keeps me on track so I can make a bigger meal for dinner, and I'd enjoy the leftover chicken salad myself for lunch during the week.
Laundry is a little harder. She has three very small children--no helpers really, just hinderers. Many is the day I've left laundry in the basket (or the dryer!) in the laundry room because I knew I couldn't fold it and put it away that day.
That stage of having three small ones is so hard. Is dinner the most important thing to her dh? Is laundry the most important? Maybe start by picking the most important thing and making a concerted effort to tackle that thing each day. Then it will become a habit and the next issue can be tackled. And she can pray, while she's trying to please her dh, that her heart will soften towards him.
Resentment is a very real, very difficult issue. I've experienced it so many times, but I have a friend (very dear to these boards ) who has never hesitated to set me straight. She has a great deal of love and respect for her husband, and always encourages me have the same for mine. She'll build me up--but by giving me the courage to live God's plan for my marriage, by being very positive about my dh, and not by enabling me to keep whining about my unreasonable husband  .
Maybe my friend will chime in here with some more practical advice, but with some encouragement in the right direction, you may just be the person to change Mary's outlook on her responsibilities at home and help soften her heart towards her husband.
I hope this has made some sense--I don't have time to go back and reread. Hungry bellies are calling!
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mama251ders
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| Posted: Feb 28 2008 at 1:03pm | IP Logged
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Is there any chance that he could live her life for a day or 2? Sometimes it is just a matter of perception on the part of the husband. Although my husband has never openly complained about anything I did or did not do (He knows he's a heavier sleeper than me !) he never really appreciated what I do until I got sick last year and he had to stay home and take car of everything for 3 days. This encompassed school, our co-op (I worked in the nursery then), Religious Ed. (I taught the preschool class at the time), dance class and regular housework. He very happily went back to work at his cushy desk job and has been very aware of appreciating me verbally ever since.
I too get caught up in the shoulda-woulda-couldas of homemaking and have to give myself a reality check. My friend's homes are all clean when I see them because they clean them before I come over, just like I do. I once had to chase my daughter out of my friends bedroom and boy-o did I get an eyeful! Seeing that she stashed her mess behind a closed door helped me put things into perspective.
If your friend's dh is basing his comparison on other people houses when he comes over invited, that is a dangerous thing. Of course it looks like everyone else keeps up with their housework and laundry! He should pop by unexpectedly one day and see what he finds!
Again, I think it is just a matter of perception and it would really be a good thing if he gained a different one. I will keep you friend and her family in my prayers.
Blessings,
Betsie
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How would you encourage this Mom?
