4Real Forums: Don't finish dinner?

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Topic: Don't finish dinner?

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Maryan
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 11:41am \| IP Logged

Any advice on how to handle young children who don't finish dinner -- almost 3 yo. and a 4 1/2 yo.?

My oldest has always been a good eater -- we just have to keep his pace at a civil setting... so I am stumped as to what to do with the picky set that followed him!

I've tried somethings, but now I'm just getting grumpy about the whole affair, so I thought I'd seek advice from all the sage Moms!!

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JodieLyn
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 12:49pm \| IP Logged

Be sure that your portion sizes are appropriate.

I've done the "gee, you must be tired since you can't manage to eat.. you better go right to bed"

when they're not eating at all.

Also, sometimes some children are more obvious in their cycles of needing more food or needing less food.

I just try to put less on plates, and as long as they're eating good foods at some point, not worry over it.

Now we definately don't allow sweets/desserts/junk if meals aren't eaten.. so having a bit of that after the problem meals can provide motivation too

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JennGM
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 2:20pm \| IP Logged

Is it pickiness? I'm finding my 4 yo just dilly dallies at meals. He doesn't hate the food, just meals are dragged out. He's distracted by all the other things he wants to say and do.

I don't have a solution, for either situation.

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teachingmyown
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 2:34pm \| IP Logged

We put our 4 yr olds plate in the fridge and when she is inevitably hungry right before bed and wants a yummy snack we offer her her dinner. She seems more willing to finish it if there is something else she wants and can't get until dinner is done.

I do cater to their pickiness within reason. I have kids who don't eat red sauce so we don't mix the pasta with the sauce. Just basic stuff like that. If they really don't like dinner they can make a pbj. No threats or harsh words, just a matter-of-fact policy.

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Lisbet
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 9:11pm \| IP Logged

I have to second making sure serving sizes fit the child. I have found that when we start with small portions for the littles, and we give them lots of positive feedback when they finish those small portions, they are eager to go for 'seconds'! :)

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Barbara C.
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 10:18pm \| IP Logged

I also make it clear that there will be nothing else available to eat for at least an hour after dinner time. Sometimes my daughter thinks that she can not eat dinner and then ask for a tastier snack ten minutes later.

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Barbara
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humanaevitae
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Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 11:55pm \| IP Logged

No verbal yucks or bad body language.

They don't have to eat but do need to stay at the table until the family is finished.

If they fuss/cry/whine, they sit in their rooms/timeout until family is done.

Some deals can be made if they try atleast one bite. For example, they can have 4 raw carrots or spinach salad in place of the green peppers they don't like in the omelet.

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Macmom
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Posted: Jan 26 2008 at 10:52am \| IP Logged

Make GREAT desserts every night.

No dinner, no dessert.

When my little ones see everyone else with ice cream/ cake/ cookies/ etc. they whine a bit, then get to eating dinner so they can partake, too!

Peace,
Macmom

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MaryMary
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Posted: Jan 26 2008 at 12:37pm \| IP Logged

I would also add to make SURE that they are hungry by dinner time by not feeding them snacks or juice in the couple hours before dinner.

I found that even a bit of juice in the couple hours before dinner makes a big difference in their appetities!

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LisaR
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Posted: Jan 26 2008 at 1:04pm \| IP Logged

I try to not tie in dessert or things like that as "rewards" I try to keep portion sizes small as many others mentioned. I ask for polite behavior if something is not a "make -again" . I do not care if they do not "clean their plate" as long as they have tried two bites of everything, and finished their milk. (milk is never an issue).
I try to remember that just as we adults sometimes do not feel like eating/are not hungry/do not care for something, so too are children.
I never make different meals/dinner foods. However, any child is welcome to cold cereal and milk after dinner/before bed.
(this offer is usually taken up on once a month or so by each child, so I do not feel it is abused.)
As a sibling/relative/friend of many who have/had eating disorders, I am very sensitive to punishing because of not eating/rewarding because of eating.
And.... I happen to not have a sweet tooth myself. I love cooking, but baking, not so much.
We really don't "do" dessert around here, sometimes fresh fruit or sometimes ice cream in the summer, but it really is not tied into who did/did not eat such and such amount of dinner at all.
just my .02

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LucyP
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 3:13am \| IP Logged

Maryan, our son regularly fails to finish his food (he is just 4). We just allow him to quietly set down his cutlery when he feels full - because we aren't him and we don't know what he needs to eat that day. We don't make a dessert a reward for eating up, as it would encourage him to gobble down when he was already full and we rarely eat dessert, but if his sister is having yoghurt we will cheerfully explain that he can't have room for the yoghurt. We would rather make mealtimes a happy, companionable time and each of us have too many memories of being forcefed or sitting in front of a congealed plate for hours, and have issues with food. So, we just ask for no faces or complaints, talk about new foods, suggest trying at least one bite, and don't bother about clearing plates. We don't do snacks and the only drink we allow is water or milk.

Maryan
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 9:33am \| IP Logged

Thanks ladies! A lot of food for thought! Bobby doesn't like new food... even before he tries it.

These past two weeks, some very generous people have been making us food and he's been making declarations like he "doesn't like Salmon"... when he's never had it!!!

And then almost 3 yo. just follows his lead.

So thanks for the advice!! I do give small portions for these two guys (but I could try smaller!!) As a side note: I have been flexible about their eating when they are younger... but by 3 and 4 1/2, I feel they should learn to eat the few little bites that I gave them in a timely manner (not over an hour for a fistful of food) because we eat what we are given... etc., etc.

I just seemed to be lacking the element that will motivte 4 1/2 yo... who directly affects 3 yo.

So I'll try some of these ideas and see if they work!! Thank you!!

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Maryan
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doris
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 3:24pm \| IP Logged

I think it's definitely age-related. My eldest dd was *terrible* eater. Now, at 7, she's infinitely better. Best of all, she'll try things -- then even find that she likes them! I think that at 3 or 4, children can be genuinely worried about finding a taste really disgusting. Their palates are so much more sensitive than ours and I clearly remember tasting something like onion as a youngster and finding it just incredibly pungent and vile.

Having said that, i don't pander to fussiness. I cook foods that I know the majority will like -- and if they leave, say, one of the vegetables, I don't mind. If they don't eat it, they can fill up on something else in the course of the meal.

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JodieLyn
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 5:02pm \| IP Logged

I was looking at this from the perspective of the child who was "starving" until he sees what there is to eat.. then he's "not hungry" or "doesn't like" anything served. But again is "starving" soon as anything sweet is offered. And it can be things that he ate and liked just last week.. not even new foods.

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Maryan
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 5:55pm \| IP Logged

Jodie... I actually just tried the bedtime thing... combined with a timer for four yo...

and it worked.

He ate everything right up. And someone graciously made us a meal, so there was also the dessert card to play... but that hasn't worked in the past.

So I do think it is the 'starving' changing his mind when he sees the food syndrome.

So NOT going to bed seems to motivate 4 yo (when every other positive incentive didn't)... now I'm waiting to see if almost 3 yo will just follow his lead without me needing to intervene!

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Maryan
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Lara Sauer
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 6:43pm \| IP Logged

I have been refraining from commenting here, as so many others have given opinions already and you are probably overwhelmed.

However, I would like to add one comment and that is simply this...I don't think our grandmother's would have ever wondered how to go about making their children finish their dinner. I think that we as parents give our children FAR TOO MANY CHOICES. They simply have to learn to eat, respectfully and without complaint, that which is put in front of them. Small portions are the only way to go. When my son was three, he had to eat three peas, or three beans, or three pieces of corn, with no complaints or questions asked. Learning to eat is like learning any other life skill.

As I often tell my children, they might have to dislike something seven times before they start to like it...that's just the way it is.

I also NEVER let my children SAY they don't like something. Instead, they must say, "I have not learned to like that yet!" To which I say, "Great, here is another chance for you to practice liking it!"

I definitely use dessert as incentive...works every time!

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Maryan
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Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 8:51pm \| IP Logged

Lara - good points! I definitely feel like I let my 4 yo get away with too much at the dinner table.

And I love your line!

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Maryan
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dawn2006
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Posted: Jan 29 2008 at 4:32pm \| IP Logged

I also NEVER let my children SAY they don't like something. Instead, they must say, "I have not learned to like that yet!"

As a complete tangent: this reminds me of when I used to teach high school. The kids were forever telling eachother to 'shut up' and I would reflexively say: "I highly suggest that you refrain from speaking." And they would very often correct themselves and say that entire sentence, just for the novelty of it.

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Maryan
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Posted: Jan 29 2008 at 5:05pm \| IP Logged

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Maryan
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graciefaith
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Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 12:48am \| IP Logged

No snacks after any kind of meals. What they use to do was say they werent hunry and then 10min later ask for a snack. If they eat a good amt. of their meal then they can have a snack at snack time. The kitchen is closed after meal times. If they dont eat hardly any or none at all then we save that for snack time. My friend would tell her dc that if they didnt eat their dinner it would become their breakfast the next day and she sticks to it.

Today we had a late lunch and dd2 said she wasnt hungry. She said this b/c she didnt like the bread i used. 5min before she claimed she was starving. We're going to be out and wont be back until dinner time and i told her that she will have to wait til then to eat again.

I dont plan our meals around their taste buds. They must eat what is given or nothing else. I do make the food they like but just not every day. If i did that, we'd be eating cheeseburgers and spagetti every day. lol

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