| Author | |
Natalia
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1343
|
| Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 7:39am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
It's Here! My 14 yo likes a boy and he likes her. How do you handle this situation. We have always talked to her about our non dating policy. but it is different to talk in abstract. It is easier to talk in theory.
How do you handle this? I can't prevent her from liking somebody. All I can do, I think, is to teach her to handle her emotions. What concrete advice you give your teens? how do you handle a situation like this? Do you have any good books to recommend, any good prayers that I can give her to say on her own? Funny thing this came right after we pray the novena to Our Lady of La Altagracia in which we prayed for our teens and their love of purity.
Please, please talk to me about this,
Natalia
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lara Sauer
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 15 2007
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 679
|
| Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 9:32am | IP Logged
|
|
|
An opportunity arose about a year ago that gave me a chance to sincerely talk to my two oldest about their future vocation.
My oldest is 15 and my second oldest is 13. They are both boys and they have as of yet, not discovered that they "like" girls in any way other than friendship. As I have often told them...if they can't afford to provide for them then they can't afford to like them! However, we do have very sincere and long conversations about to which vocation God may some day call them.
Since my boys are both in their teens, it dawned on me that they could meet their future wife very soon...my husband and I started dating when I had just turned 18 and he was still only 17! That's only 2 years away for my oldest!
What I have told my boys and continue telling them is this...God has a plan for your life. He will direct you to that path because He loves you. If God is calling you to the married life, then it is very likely that your wife is already born and she is growing up and she is in need of your prayers...so pray for her...daily. Offer up your sacrifices for her.
God will bring her into your life when the time is right. You don't need to worry about "finding her" or "trying out" all kinds of girls until you find the right one. You don't know the right one, but He does. God is merciful and tender and he longs for our joy. He will not abandon us, especially when it comes to our vocation.
On the other hand, if God is calling you to the vocation of the religious life, then you need to keep your heart in tact for Him. Protect your heart as you would a "pearl of great price." There is only one time that you can give something away in its entirety. Make sure to preserve all of yourself for the sake of your future wife or your future vocation.
Love is a beautiful thing. But true love is willing the good for the other. At my sons ages, willing the good of others means helping them to protect their own virtue for the sake of their own future vocations. They need to have custody of their own emotions and their own feelings for the sake of helping them protect the virtue and purity of their friends.
James Stenson, a Catholic speaker who gives wonderful advice on raising children, once said something to the effect that men will either become perpetrators or protectors. We need to raise our sons to PROTECT.
I am trying to form my boys, to trust in God's providence for their lives. I want them to truly learn that He has a path for them to follow, a path that is already trodden that they can simply walk upon. Jesus is before them, making their path smooth. If they simply walk in His footsteps, they will not be led astray.
I do feel that my boys have been given a strong sense of peace from thinking about their future in this manner. I always tell them that I want them to enjoy their childhood, since it is of such short duration. (14-15 years versus 60-65 years) They don't need to go out of their way to seek out adult responsibilities, as those will have a way of finding them, whether they want them or not.
Tell your daughter how beautiful she is...inside and out. Affirm to her the goodness and the beauty inside the feelings that she is experiencing. But direct them to a higher level than the phyical.
And particularly at this moment, provide her with signs of your affection that are physical. Hug her, caress her cheek. Ask her if you can fix her hair. Rub her back. If she wants to, let her rest her head on your shoulder when you are sitting on the couch. It is so easy at this point our our children's development to abandon this aspect of our parenting. Our children are becoming "adults in body" right before our eyes...however, their brains and their emotions take a lot longer to catch up.
If your husband feels comfortable, then encourage him to compliment her when she is displaying the qualities of womanhood that he admires and he too should find physical ways of showing his affection for her. A hug from a father has an incredible effect on the emotional well being of his teen age daughter.
I read on another post and thought it a beautiful idea that when we do hug our children, that we offer a silent prayer that they may continue to grow in the virtues of chastity and purity.
I will pray for you.
__________________
You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mavmama
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 01 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 618
|
| Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 11:33am | IP Logged
|
|
|
We are not at this point (in fact we are several years away), but I wanted to say: Lara, what a beautiful post about this subject. I intend to file it away for further thought and future use.
__________________
Liz
Blessed by 4 wonders
dd11, dd911, ds9, ds8
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 12:59pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Not there either.. though I guess with one going on 11.. perhaps not as far away as it seems at this moment  I still remember when I all of a sudden realized that those teen boys running around Church we not all that much older than my daughter.. not when you look at when she's 18 and they're in their mid-20's.
I've read some of the books recommended just to get a feel for it for myself. And something from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" really stood out to me. Let me see if I can do it justice.
It was about how we're not free to give our affection to just anyone.. unlike how society says.. which is if you're not commited to someone then you can do as you will. That we're supposed to be chaste at all times.. and if we marry, THEN and ONLY then are we "given permission" to give that affection to another.
It was just little lightbulb about how society has it backwards and how much more sense it makes when you realize that. I found the same thing with NFP.. that rather than using birth control until you want to have a child.. that you are open to having children until you have a good reason to need to postpone having a child by NFP.
It doesn't sound like it in my writing but it's this sort of dizzy feeling.. where the whole world is twisted around and clicks into place.. makes much more sense than it had.. but it's sooo weird that you remember that moment
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Chari
Forum Moderator
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5228
|
| Posted: Jan 26 2008 at 12:44am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I want to tell you, too, Lara, how beautiful your words are. You have a gift.
I printed it out for my dh who is looking for some words right now.........I think your words are just the ones he needs. You were obviously inspired. 
__________________
Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Zeliemum
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 04 2006
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 636
|
| Posted: Jan 26 2008 at 1:11am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I second what Chari has said Lara, and I will be printing your post out as well. Your children are blessed to have you.
God Bless
Chemai
__________________
Mother to seven with five in heaven...Spiritualmotherhood for Priests
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lara Sauer
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 15 2007
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 679
|
| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 6:23pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear Ladies,
Thanks for the very kind and humbling words. I am happy that you feel these thoughts of mine may be of some assistance to you.
I have one more thought to share, if you will indulge me.
I believe that we need to constantly strive to search for and to speak a language of beauty when we are explaining the "mysteries of life" to our children. The world makes everything in this area so mundane and frankly, so crude.
As parents, we can and must shelter our children from coming into contact with these vulgarities. But sadly, the reality is that they will be confronted with that coarse language long before we would want them to be. (Which is never!) To preserve and protect their innocence, it is imperative that we have already planted images of abiding beauty deep inside of them so that they will have something with which to combat the ugliness. They need to have the sound of truth ringing joyfully inside their heads to drown out the lies that bang like drums throughout the secular world.
Despite what the world would have us believe, we know that God is all good. He IS beauty and the gifts that He shares with us have to power to elevate us to His own level. The gift of our se_uality is certainly no different. God made us to love one another. He also gave us the great gift to come together as husband and wife and to be co-creators with Him. What undeserved generosity!
With that in mind, I would like to share with you something that a darling Italian nun spoke about recently at a Morning of Recollection that I had the good fortune to attend. It was a wonderful description of virginity and I would like to share it with you for your own reflection in the hope that it may someday find a place in your conversations with your children.
The beauty of the idea is that it takes the issue out of the realm of se_uality where we might feel some discomfort in speaking to our sons or daughters, and places it into an area where we could feel no hesitancy in speaking to our children. Truly, it allows us to regain the integrity of the word "virginity" and we can use Sister's images with our children to describe a concept that is tasteful and beautiful and one that can easily be grasped even by our youngest.
The dear sister, Sister Gabriella, described it thusly: (and please forgive the paraphrasing!) Virgin olive oil is the oil that comes from the first pressing. It is pure oil, with nothing else to contaminate it. The same is true of virgin wool. It is simply wool with nothing else in it. When we speak of virginity, then, what do we mean? We mean that something is purely and simply what it was created to be with no contamination from anything else.
In speaking to our kids about this, we can tell them that when God calls them to their specific vocation that He wants them to be able to bring 100% of themselves to their calling. The priesthood deserves no less than their authentic self. Their future spouse deserves no less than wholeness. Both callings are answered through virginity. Both callings deserve the integrity of the person, complete and unblemished.
After the meditation, I couldn't wait to talk to my boys about this idea. It was so simple and so explainable: to be a virgin means to be 100% yourself, with nothing removed or added! It means to be exactly what God created you to be. While I was talking to my 15 year old and my 13 year old about this, it was as though a light went on. They too could easily see that preserving 100% of their dignity for their future calling as a priest, brother or husband made complete sense. We did not need to have any conversation about s_x for them to get a beautiful image of virginity inside their heads.
For this, I am thankful.
And for your kindness in reading this, I am thankful as well.
Christ's peace.
__________________
You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Natalia
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1343
|
| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 6:55pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Lara,
Your words, as others have said, are full of wisdom. Thanks.
It seems by your post that your kids are very receptive to your talking with them about this issues. I find my dd to be reluctant to talk. How you (and others)get around this. This has become a very pressing issue in our house and I have found difficult to get the conversation going. Any advice?
Natalia
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 7:20pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Natalia, I find that deep discussion can be hard on the kids.. short bits.. and interspersed with humor seem to work well. One of the best convesations between my 10 yr old and myself was in the car where we took a few minutes before going into the store. The nice thing here.. was that we got to talk.. then do something totally off that subject.. and then would have time on the way home to pick it back up if needed.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lara Sauer
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 15 2007
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 679
|
| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 7:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Natalia,
How old is the child next to your 14 year old daughter?
I would use that child as a sounding board. I would talk about interesting topics to that child while your 14 year old is near by and have the main conversation be directed at the younger, while in essence talking to both. I have found the car a particularly good place to talk.
Another venue that I would use, would be to have one of your own friends over for a cup of tea and start talking about issues like this with your friend. There are few 14 year old girls that can withstand the temptation of not being near "adult" conversation.
These are the first thoughts that pop into my head. I will pray some more about it and should anything else come to me, I would be happy to share it, if you would be interested.
We are all headed for a brave new world. It is good to have others to bounce ideas off of.
Peace.
__________________
You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When your girl likes a boy
