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amyable
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 10:59am | IP Logged
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The (joyous) difference between *this* bout of postpartum depression and some of my earlier ones is that I know what's going on (I don't think I'm literally going crazy). It's giving me the objectiveness to see what the problems are here, and so here I am asking for advice! 
I grew up in a family of 2 kids (boy/girl) spaced 6 years apart. We practically never fought or bickered at all. I don't "get" this fighting all the time,(I was also extremely compliant so I don't get this constant disobedience thing either, but that's for another post  ). and it REALLY stresses me out. I need a lot more peace in the home. My oldest two are just shy of two years apart (10 and 8) and have strong and different personalities. The younger ones are quickly learning their ways, but it doesn't bother me so much as it seems more age appropriate (i.e. I don't expect my 2yo to know how to talk out ever problem  )
How much fighting do you allow? Do you ignore it all? Some? None? What do you do to stop it? I ignore some, talk about some, but things NEVER change. When they are in the mood to get into it (which is most of every day) they do, no matter what I just said to them 15 minutes earlier. I find it very hard to laugh it all off as "kids will be kids" but maybe that is just *my* problem.
Thanks in advance for sharing what goes on in your home.
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Amy
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mavmama
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 11:14am | IP Logged
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Once or twice I tried this: I called them all to me and then just started giving them exercises to do. 15 jumping jacks, 10 push ups, 20 toe touches, run 2 laps around the yard, etc, whatever I could come up with at the moment. They quit for a while, then started again, so I just did it again. The next time they started, I overheard the oldest say to the others, "Stop fighting, or Mama will go crazy with the exercise thing again." For me, the key was not yelling or lecturing--just action. I find that I talk too much  , and when I am straight forward with action, they respond better. Just my 2 cents....
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 11:34am | IP Logged
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I have this trouble with my 4 and 6 yo sometimes. When it gets bad I separate them into their rooms and tell them they can play together again after awhile IF they can play nicely. The minute they start up again, I split them up. Sometimes it takes all day, but I will eventually have peace in my home!LOL!
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Courtney
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 11:35am | IP Logged
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My two are 10 and 71/2. THey can really get into the bickering. One thing I've tried that does work (not EVERYtime, but most ofthe time) is to make them sit facing each other and just stare at each other for a couple of minutes. Then they have to say something they like about each other. THey usually end up laughing together. I also have encouraged them to play away from each other when the bickering won't stop.
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 11:42am | IP Logged
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One thing that has worked with my 8 and 5 is to sit both of them down, tell them they are not allowed to have or do such and such until the OTHER CHILD says it is okay.
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Paula
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wwandsprmn
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
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When the bickering got to me once, I printed an 8 X 10 head shot of each child and me and placed it on a corkboard. Each time they said or did something unkind I made them stick a push pin into the picture of their sib and me. We did it for a week and at the end, the picture was filled with holes. I showed them how something so small can really hurt. They took out the pins and under the picture of each of us was a picture of Jesus FILLED with wounds.
I think you can figure out the lesson and it's impact ;)
Blessings,
Robin
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Martha
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I hate bickering! Drives me batty. It's usually over the dumbest stuff too. "Who didn't flush the toilet?!" will say one kids in disgust (I'm with him on that, btw). "Not me, I can poop bigger than that!" than says a brother. "No, you can't." says another brother. "*I* have the biggest poop 'cause I'm the oldest." "Uh-uh, I can glog the toilet bad enough to make dad say bad words!"
I kid you not that was an actual point of contention not too long ago.  
My dh and I are both only or nearly only kids, so we have zero compass for what's normal sibling bickering and what's not. We both have a very low tolorance for it. We tell them to get along or get away from each other or we will deal with it. They rarely like how we deal with things. So they unite against a common "enemy" fairly quickly.
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Martha
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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When the bickering got to me once, I printed an 8 X 10 head shot of each child and me and placed it on a cork board. Each time they said or did something unkind I made them stick a push pin into the picture of their sib and me. We did it for a week and at the end, the picture was filled with holes. I showed them how something so small can really hurt. They took out the pins and under the picture of each of us was a picture of Jesus FILLED with wounds.
oh this is a good one. I will have to remember that one. 
we go through stages... and I really don't like bickering... which I think is different than disagreeing and/or fighting.
it is like poking each other with a stick! lol
so I stop all bickering, usually with reminders. but if they continue, then they do chores.
I am a mean mommy
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 5:37pm | IP Logged
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CAgirl4God wrote:
we go through stages... and I really don't like bickering... which I think is different than disagreeing and/or fighting.
it is like poking each other with a stick! lol |
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YES! Exactly, it's not a genuine problem needing dealt with, just petty poking or the "I'm not touching you!" kind of thing.
We go through phases too. I think everyone does, right?
course, it feels like forever when we're in one of those phases!
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Martha
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Red Cardigan
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None. (That I can hear.)
Actually, my girls are close in age, and momentary "drive-by snarking" is something I try to overlook. They're girls, it happens, I don't laugh at it but I don't stress over it either.
Loud and prolonged (verbal)fighting usually has consequences--mainly that I "suddenly" remember to check the chore chart.
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wwandsprmn
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 6:41pm | IP Logged
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The kids are gonna bicker. Most of the time I don't sweat it too much unless it becomes personal, persistent or if I haven't had enough chocolate or sleep.
I can tell you that some personalities thrive on the verbal gymnastics and exchanges and it doesn't phase them, it's almost entertaining. (This is my oldest son who wants to be an attorney) My daughter however just doesn't have the skin for it and though she hangs in for a bit it really gets to her and can sometimes change the tone of the house and hurt her feelings.
I think the previous suggestion about remembering to check the chore chart is how I deal with it most days too
:)
Here are my questions though...
Why do they know what their siblings chores are at every moment without even looking at the chart, but not their own?
Why does where they sit in the van matter? AND how is it they can remember where everyone sat for every trip all week but can't remember if they brushed their teeth this morning?
Why is it they never want to eat what another one suggests for lunch, even when they loved it last week?
Why is it they feel vehemently about the sanctity of their bedrooms but think I should invite them into the bathroom with me so they can show me something?
What is up with the preemptive striking? - "She is gonna take my pencil!" " He was gonna eat the last banana!"
If you have any answers to this pressing questions that cause me to hide in my walk-in closet a couple times a week...I'd be grateful :)
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 7:09pm | IP Logged
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No answers, but plenty of empathy as a woman who hasn't had a private potty moment by herself in about 10 years.
edited to change wording:
Because really I do know how to use the potty by myself, I just don't often get to BE by myself for it.
thank goodness dh was reading over my shoulder and started laughing AFTER I hit post!
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Martha
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Lara Sauer
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NONE!
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Barbara C.
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I really recommend reading "Siblings without Rivalry". It really gets into kids and bickering. It offers suggestions on when to step in and when to let them work it out themselves. It also offers tips for distraction and mediation. I seem to remember one trick someone had used was that they wouldn't let one kid complain about the other unless they sang their complaints. Needless to say, it seemed to lighten the tension. During bad phases , I think another tip was to have the kids write a list about all the things they like about each other and take turns reading off the compliments. It can build a bit of goodwill.
It also talks about ways that we as parents sometimes unintentionally take sides with or favor certain children (or at least the kids perceive that we do) and actually instigate bickering and other less than loving behaviors between siblings.
And, personally, I try to look for and eliminate causes for bickering when reasonable. For instance, we've bought two cheap doodlepads for the car since the younger one got old enough to use the one we had and that was a point of contention. Most of their stuff from Santa were joint gifts, so there are no claims of ownership. I would not be above assigning seats in the van or assigning days when each person gets to pick lunch.
Good luck!!
Oh, and on a personal note, my sister and I are almost 10 years apart. Do you want to know when our real bickering began? I was about 13, and she was about 23. It pretty much lasted until she moved out (with my five-year-old nephew) just a few months before I left for college. There was a reason I didn't apply to a single college in our city (I wouldn't have applied to one in the state if my guidance counselor hadn't made me.) So, I think outrageous bickering depends less on the spacing between children and more on temperaments, personal problems that they take out on each other, and parental reaction (or in our case complete lack of reaction and intervention).
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Jan 16 2008 at 10:14am | IP Logged
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I never had this problem with my first four (boy/girl/boy/girl). Then in walked another girl. They are, while the best of friends, my biggest bickerers.
My motto is "Keep the Peace" which I often hollar (er...sing ) from the next room. They know that means they better keep the peace or there will be consequences.
The consequences?
They have lost more Webkinz computer time, Friday ice cream treats and, most recently, a trip to the Children's Museum because of not "keeping the peace".
Just now they are in a corner of the living room playing Webkinz schooltime. This works great for me because Chelsea does basic math and reading, spelling and art with Annie and all their Webkinz. Well, Annie just copied an art picture off Chelsea so Chels gave her a "C" for lack-of-originality. 
The wails and unrighteousness of it all were ear-splitting.
I think she ended up with a "B" because she used polka-dots instead of stripes...and it was a pretty picture.
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Michaela
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| Posted: Jan 16 2008 at 12:37pm | IP Logged
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Bickering, between my boys, can quick escalate into physical fighting. I need to stop it quickly or Nathan, who has a full throttle temper, will hurt Nicholas.
The word, "ENOUGH!"......is enough around here.....now. It wasn't always that way. Things were out of control. I was yelling waaaay too much.
DH complained about coming home to the constant bickering rather than a peaceful home after a long day.
After trying various consequences
-spanking (I regret. It didn't work & probably made my aggressive child more aggressive)
-separating them (worked for a while, but since they share a bedroom their bickering turned to me - someone would be sent to a better alternative area -- or if in their room, on their bed...I'd have to hear who got off, who gave the other a funny look...)
-pushups/situps/jumping jacks (it worked for short periods, but once they caught their breath they were at it again & they enjoyed showing the other who was the strongest )
-scrubbing toilets
-sitting on the couch together until each apologizes & asks forgiveness (one would rather sit there forever than apologize because he knows it makes his brother upset)
All tried and failed in one way or another...sooner or later.
The picture and pins would work for one son, but not the other who would enjoy sticking pins in his brother's picture because that would be a way to upset his brother. We would have to change that around so they put the pin in their own picture.
The one that works best, for us, is taking away Saturday skating. We go to the rink every Saturday. The offender will get one warning from me. If it doesn't stop (it ALWAYS stops), that child will sit out on skate day. That's a bigger punishment than taking away any toy, time off of their Wii, or all those failed consequences I listed above.
Skating is my weapon of choice.
Skating, in our home, is a BIG deal.
"Enough" around here means.... No skating.
It's much more peaceful around here.
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Michaela
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How much bickering do you allow?
