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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 29 2007 at 12:13pm | IP Logged
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We have experienced a few issues over the past week that I'm not sure how to handle.
I am sitting here at home today with just the baby. My husband took the other children to a family gathering at his aunt and uncles home. I opted to stay back because of - smoking. Their home is tiny and full of smokers. Last year, Molly was 8ms. old at this time and everyone smoked in the house around her, even though the child was born with respitory issues. In the past it's been the same even when I've been pregnant. I opted to stay home with MB because his immune system has been through the ringer this past month between a severe bought of the croup and the recent stomach virus. My husband felt he needed to 'make an appreance' even though it is over an hours drive, they will only stay an hour or so. He agreed with me keeping Mark home. Am I being a grinch here? I feel like it a bit.
Another situation. Last week at my in-laws, grandma and grandpa were passing out their gifts to the grandchildren. (I was home with a sick toddler, who was the first of the 11 of us to suffer that nasty bug!!) My MIL, who is a wonderful Catholic woman, very supportive of how we are raising our children, hands a gift to my 5 year old dd with the preface, "Your mother is going to hate this." And just what was this gift mom will hate?? - Make-up. Yep, Make-up for my 5 year old daughter. Little Mary Kate came home and said, "Mom, I'm sorry, your not going to like this, but grandma gave it to me." She had it all over her face. I guess I'm not as upset about the makeup, of course it's a dress up only thing. I am upset about her buying a gift for my daughter that she knew we wouldn't approve of. ACK! I told my husband, "Only books and games for our grandchildren honey!"
So how do you all handle these types of situations during the holidays? Inappropriate gifts, inconsiderate behavior? Am I just a humbug?
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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folklaur
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| Posted: Dec 29 2007 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
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Lisbet wrote:
So how do you all handle these types of situations during the holidays? Inappropriate gifts, inconsiderate behavior? Am I just a humbug? |
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As for the smoking - NO! My son has mild asthma, my dh is very sensitive to smoke, etc. And with babies - my goodness, I don't think you are being a "scrooge" at all!
As for the makeup...if it is just dress-up, well, grandmas sometimes do things like that. I don't know why. But they do. I would wonder why she would get if if she knew you would hate it (my guess is because she thought your dd would like it. She was more interested in what your dd WOULD like then what YOU wouldn't. Does that make sense?)
As for the grandma situation - I have no good advice on how to handle inappropriate gift giving. I have my own MIL who is right up there. I just usually bite my tongue, smile, and remember that they live far enough away that they really don't have very much of an impact on my children's lives.   
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Lorri
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| Posted: Dec 29 2007 at 2:18pm | IP Logged
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I totally agree with you about the smoking.
As for grandma's gift...You could tell her, You know MIL, Mary Kate told me what you said about her gift. You were right, it's not something I really want her to have. But I know that you thought she'd like it and you wanted her to have it. She does enjoy it and she knows its only for dress-up and she can't wear any of the make up out of the house. In the future though, if you know we're not going to like something, please don't buy it. I'd hate for their to be something we'd have to take away from one of the children. If you need gift suggestions for any of them, please ask because I could give you a list.
Better yet, since it's your dh's mother, have him talk to her.
We had to talk to my parents about the gifts they were buying my dc. It wasn't so much what they bought, but how much. Fortunately they listened to us.
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Lorri
mom to    
The Mac and Cheese Chronicles
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Dec 29 2007 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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I'm with Laura and Lorri on the smoking. You did the right thing.
As for the grandmother thing...
I'm a true conservative at heart but I don't think even my parents realize how conservative I am. I'm aware of the liberal world I live in and I believe that fighting fire with laughing gas is the best thing in the world. 
But I'll sound like a liberal here.  I wear makeup and so does my oldest daughter (she's 17 1/2). So the younger ones have gotten ahold of old make-up and used it for dress-up (usually old dance recital clothing and fairy costumes). And they have fun.
But, no, I don't allow them to go out in public with it on.
I would probably have laughed, gotten a wet washrag and scrubbed it off my child's face while laughing, "Is Grandma trying to make a clown out of my pretty little girl?"
Then let it go. Sometimes it's okay to let things go. The least said the better. Sometimes to make too much out of something draws undue (and exhausting, stressful) attention to it.
BUT...for Grandma to say what she did while handing the contraband over to your daughter was dumbing you down.
Come b-day time and next Christmas, hand Grandma a list of things the children have requested and you've approved and say, "And, please, Grandma, no make-up this year. Afterall, she's only 6." And .
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Elena
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The smoking thing - perhaps you could have folks over to your house when it's warmer and have a place way in the other corner of the yard for smokers! Then it wouldn't be too bad if you just skipped the smoking fest at Christmas. I think that's what I would do.
As for grandma and the makeup - if that's the worst struggle you ever have with your mother-in-law you are truly blessed!
I think next time you see her you should give her a hug and then tease her about next time she's going to have to help clean up the mess.
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 29 2007 at 4:38pm | IP Logged
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Okay, so I'm cool on the smoking thing. Mark and I snuggled down and got some much needed rest anyway.
I do understand that the makeup thing may be no big deal (and really, I wear makeup EVERY day, and I'm sure my girls will in their teens too.) It's not the makeup, but the comment that came along with it. KWIM? Sometimes my MIL does/says things to try to start drama, I have no idea why, but this is one of those things and I don't want her dragging my daughters into it.
My husband said he may mention something to her about it lightheartedly. Thanks for helping me keep it in perspective though!
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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amarytbc
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If your MIL is usually good, I would attribute the comment to an after thought. She probably picked it up thinking it was cute and then realized later that it might upset you. She mentioned it to your dd so that you would know that she knew that it went against your beliefs. I mean to say that she was could have been expressing regret by her comment. People don't always plan out what they are going to say in advance in those situations. Sounds like she should have picked her words better.
If you don't mind her dressing up with make-up, and from experience I have found that playing with make-up when you are little doesn't make you want to wear it when you are older, then could you ask "Did you really think I would hate the make-up?" You need to talk to her about it somehow so this doesn't become an issue. I think you are more than capable of doing it in a charitable and nonconfrontational way, just have it be a part of the next conversation you have and put it out of your mind for now.
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Nina Murphy
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Lisa,
1. I have two with CF, and 4 with Asthma (and my husband---exercise induced), so of course: I'm totally with you on the smoking thing.
2. I understand your point about the content of the comment and not the content of the gift, per se. This happens with one grandparent so frequently (foot-in-the mouth-type comments), that I've finally chalked it up to temperament/cluelessness. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt, instead of ascribing a sinister intent.
But I do think you can/should avoid future problems, by gently addressing the issue with a gentle comment like, "Now, why would you give this sweet girl something you know her mother wouldn't like?" said with a smile and a little tone of irony----to get the point across. When our relations make comments, we *have* to let them know it isn't/wasn't acceptable (in our family), or else we will go insane with resentment!!!
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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humanaevitae
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We have dealt with the same makeup scenerio. In our case though, mil likes to get into power struggles with us. When dd received the makeup that Grandma knew was a no-no, we just ignored it and later threw it out.
She was waiting for us to make a scene and was quite befuddled when we didn't.
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Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
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sjbacb
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 3:19pm | IP Logged
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So..Why do you all think the MIL relationship is soooo hard?
My MIL definitely suffers from the foot in mouth issues many of you have described. I generally just try to ignore it but honestly it is not really fostering good family feelings in my husband and myself. KWIM?
So frustrating, I wish I could just tell her that she hurts our feeling with her coments but honestly I am not good at that kind of thing!
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Shannon in MI
http://www.sjbacb.blogspot.com
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Inappropriateness at Christmastime
