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chicken lady
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| Posted: Nov 14 2007 at 10:27am | IP Logged
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Here is another pondering of mine. Do you allow sleep overs, what are your reasons yay or nay. Not looking to debate, again I really enjoy hearing peoples reasoning, it helps me form my own thoughts.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Nov 14 2007 at 10:40am | IP Logged
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In general, I hate sleep overs. For my kids, it just means crankiness and attitude the next day (I am talking about 18dd, mostly.) I mean, especially with teenage girls, very little sleeping actually goes on. And my dd needs her sleep or she is a terror.
Younger ones (9 and 5) have never had a sleepover, except at Grandma's. They do that often. But I kind of feel like I will have a no-sleep-over rule for them, except under very specific circumstances.
I will occasionally allow oldest dd to do sleepovers, depending on the situation. Mostly, it depends on the parents, too, and what kind of supervision they will have. (For instance, dd IS allowed to sleep over at AngieMc's house. )
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Macmom
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There is no hard and fast rule in our house. It depends on the family. If I know they will supervise well (and if I am OK with a VERY groggy kid the next day) we will allow it. And they can sleep over at Grandma's anytime... though I KNOW they will watch too much TV!!!! (Grandma has cable, like the Discovery channel- we don't!)
Blessedly, most Saturday mornings are busy with 4H shows or other family projects, so it's just not feasible to send a child away for the night.
One thing I CANNOT stand is the "well-the-older-child-can-only-go-if-the younger-gets-to-go-too" syndrome. It happens when daughters in the same family are close in age, and some parents try to make everything fair. If 2 girls are friends, they do not always need the younger (or older) sister around so she doesn't feel "left out."
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Nov 14 2007 at 11:04am | IP Logged
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Macmom wrote:
One thing I CANNOT stand is the "well-the-older-child-can-only-go-if-the younger-gets-to-go-too" syndrome. It happens when daughters in the same family are close in age, and some parents try to make everything fair. If 2 girls are friends, they do not always need the younger (or older) sister around so she doesn't feel "left out." |
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OK seriously here, tell me why this bothers you, I am "one of those" moms  And I like hearing differing opinions. If you are not comfortable telling me that is OK, I am just trying to see the other side. Thanks!!
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Tami
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I allowed them with my dd, because I knew the families well and these girls were growing up like sisters.
I don't allow them with my boys, except for some VERY unusual reason. I was cautioned by moms of boys not to do so, because they felt that there were too many opportunities for 'trouble.' They didn't elaborate, but expressed a great uneasyness about the situation.  This was when my older boys were little. But I would make an exception for those 2 or 3 families that were like family to us. Even at that, it was usually for a specific reason (they were babysitting while dh and I went to an evening wedding) or something like that.
The girls, well, they had sleep-overs just to be together.  These happened a lot!
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When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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Tina P.
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Tami wrote:
I allowed them with my dd, because I knew the families well and these girls were growing up like sisters.
I don't allow them with my boys, except for some VERY unusual reason. I was cautioned by moms of boys not to do so, because they felt that there were too many opportunities for 'trouble.' |
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We also only *give up* our kids for a sleepover when we know the families very well. We currently have more families with boys who are our boys' ages. When you were speaking of little boys getting into trouble in sleepovers, what ages concerned you, Tami? My 13 yob has sleepovers at our house or at our close friends' houses (2). Our 11 yog (almost 12) girl only has sleepovers at one house when her big brother (12 yo) sleeps at the other house. Does that make sense? Rarely, like at my newly 10 yob's birthday, our 8 yo gets to have his 8 yo friend to sleep here, because they both have older brothers who also sleep at our house.
I prefer to be the host in any situation because we're often involved in the fun. We interrupt in nice ways (like with a bowl of popcorn, for instance), start a game, or watch a movie with them. They're never out of hearing (and I mean never, EVER  ) and never out of sight for long, just like my own children.
I hope this explanation was clear enough to help someone. God bless,
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Tami
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Tina, I ~think~ at the time my boys were in the 8-11 age range.
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Tami
When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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MarilynW
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We have a very hard and fast NO SLEEPOVER for anyone rule. (the only exception is in emergencies like mom going into labor and not having any other choice)I personally do not see why anyone NEEDS a sleepover - but then I never cared for them as a child or teenager. Our reasons are mainly to safeguard our children. Also - from a practical point of view I would not particularly want to have one in my house - I am exhausted enough getting my own kids to bed!
There was a post last year I think about the dangers of sleepovers for teenagers even with "good Catholic families" - cannot remember much - just made me feel "wow I am glad we have a strict rule"
Also - my kids do not particularly care for sleepovers which makes it easier to have the rule 
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Angie Mc
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We do allow sleep-overs. As our children grow older, sleep-overs have helped in practical ways by providing transportation options for their late night events and extra get-together time with their far-flung homeschooling friends. We enjoy hosting sleep-overs as a way to show hospitality. Rules for successful sleepovers can include:
Children who sleepover must be old enough to communicate their needs, describe to others what they did while at the sleepover, and have proven themselves to be age-appropriately responsible.
Know the families involved personally well (not just that they are part of the parish or homeschooling group, etc.)
When my children go to other's homes, they are to be alert to basic safety concerns (this is common talk here connected with the martial arts that we practice and my dh's work with criminals.)
We are available to receive a phone call and pick up our children at any time if needed.
When children sleep at our home, sibling bedrooms are off limits. If girls are sleeping over, my boys go to bed first (and don't leave their room for the night - no pranks, etc.) then the girls get ready for bed and hang out in the family room and sleep in the family room, guest room, or daughter's room. Vice-versa.
Sleep-overs are an extra, not an entitlement, and can only happen if their work is done and if mom and dad are up to it.
We average about one sleepover a month at our home and I'll have a child sleeping at someone's home about once a month.
Love,
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ALmom
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We have a very strict no sleepover rule and always have maintained this. It was my husband's leadership here and simply stated, he wants his children at home to sleep in their own beds in our own homes. He sees this as a time when he is there to protect and care for them and does not like to think of us sleeping under seperate roofs unless absolutely necessary. This rule has served us well. We chose not to do a lot of the "no stranger" talks when they were younger and so we felt we had to be more careful about some of the things away from home, so this also drove our decision to some extent. This was simply our approach - a prudent judgement we made for our family and probably very influenced by our own experiences. It has been one decision we have never ever regretted.
We have many vision issues where insufficient sleep could bring about a lapse into old habits. We are not about to have to pay megabucks for more vision therapy.
Most of my children become extremely cranky and vulnerable without sufficient sleep. The kind of silliness and all night chatter that tends to go with sleepovers would simply make our dc emotional wrecks at times - and more prone to sin. (We've seen the results of late nights when we were careless as parents about bedtime).
My experience with sleepovers was - what is the point. If it was a chance for girls to talk and giggle later into the night, well, we would allow them to stay up later than usual from time to time - but when it was time to sleep, there is no point being somewhere else. When our children were invited to sleepovers, we simply explained that we did not do sleepovers but if our child wished they could go for the party and we would pick them up whenever everyone started getting ready for bed. (Our dd chose to do this once with a friend who also was not allowed sleepovers).
Even with families we know and trust very, very well - like the kind of family we would look to to take our children if something happened to us - well there are circumstances where dd is friends with teen children of both genders and in some ways had more common interests with the opposite gender - it simply doesn't make sense to us to create opportunity for temptations unnecessarily. With a no sleepover policy, we didn't have to explain all this (or even bring to mind girl boy issues that might not have begun to surface yet). Neither did we have to explain each and every NO or go into why you may go here and not there, etc. We didn't have to bring up "gee, we just have a gut feeling about this one or ... whatever. It also meant that I wasn't pressed for explanations by hurt relatives or friends. It seemed easier for them to accept a blanket no sleepover policy than a gee your child slept over at ... but you always say no to us. In a lot of ways a standard No Sleepover rule meant we weren't badgered - no teens trying to wear us down, etc. It was so much a part of our family policy that it is like the rule of seatbelts in the car - we wear seatbelts (some of my dc have said they literally thought for a while that the car didn't start without seatbelts on), we don't do sleepovers.
We never had to explain to our children or become "judgemental" towards another family or relative. There were many good families for which we just would have felt funny and couldn't pin it down. The standard rule meant no ones feelings got hurt.
It also helps when you are not keen on the overnight Confirmation Retreat.
Our oldest dd felt that it was unfair and she thought we were too strict on this. My others haven't seemed to care. My oldest was very vulnerable to peer dependence and probably the one that would have been most vulnerable if anything untoward was pushed by others there. She also felt the exlusion most because of her strong pull to "fit in." I do know that sometimes she was excluded due to our rule. But the people who really cared about her then, never let it interfere. Even with this, we do not regret it - especially after different things came to light. We have only been confirmed in our decision.
I know my own sleepovers as a child were simply excuses to see how much we could get away with and I shudder to think of the dumb things we did that could have resulted in very serious harm to us (like slipping out of the house at 2AM and swimming in the ditch). We were fortunate that nothing ever happened on these - but it did color my experience and if you allow people over to your house, it is sort of expected that then yours can go to their house - and well, feelings can get very touchy.
Now, saying that we have a very strict no sleepover policy does not mean our children have never been away from home. Sometimes when there have been very important things that our older teenagers (those that have proven that they are mature, will go to bed when they need to, and have some experience saying no to peer pressure) have wanted to do, we have allowed them to stay with one other family for logistical reasons - but never as just a spend the night. Most of this has happened because our children's current very close friends live quite some distance from us or because my dad is taking our teen son on a fishing outing where they have to leave the house at 4 or 5 AM and it just doesn't make sense to make my dad drive an extra hour just to get our son. After spending a music camp in a hotel with my daughter and observing everything, we did allow her to stay in the dorms the following year (her senior year in highschool) but this was not a spend the night per say - but again a logistical decision based on our assessment of the way things were run, the busy schedule that didn't leave time for trouble and the fact that our dd was about to go to college and already almost 18 and had definite maturity and had already made our rules hers.
We don't consider these kinds of logistical things as spend the night and they have only happened maybe 3 times in our children's lives.
I know that other families all handle this in their own ways, so I'm just sharing because someone asked for the reasons. These were ours in a nutshell.
One thing I found interesting is that most of those who criticized our policy thought our children would not know how to deal with dorms or being away from home seeing as they did it so very, very, very rarely OR that they would miss out on special bonding with grandmother. Neither has been the case for us. Being able to move away from home has more to do with the security and safety you have felt at home and the maturity level(with or without sleepovers) and there are plenty of ways to bond with grandmother. My parents were wonderful in understanding and respecting this family rule and have always done many very special things with our children and never pressed to have them overnight.
Janet
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Macmom
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Chicken Lady-
I think the 2 friends should be allowed their time together- without the "third wheel" of another sibling tagging along. Frankly, the 2 friends often DO go off together, and leave me (the Mom!) to entertain the poor sister who is left out.
Let kids have their own friends. Don't force them to be friends just because they are already friends with your siblings!
My children spend 24/7 with their siblings. Which I think is VERY good. But I understand the loveliness of having a little time away, to be with a special friend- and not have a sibling tag along. I think, in the end, it makes them appreciate their siblings even more. And it shows my daughters that I value them- and their choices in friendships- as individuals... not as "part of the pack." (Having nine kids, there are times when it is more efficient to be "a pack" but that must be balanced by time treated as unique, as well.)
Just my 2 cents! :-)
Macmom
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Bridget
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Besides all the practical reasons that sleepovers are hard on family life, the late Fr. John Hardon advised against it. He told a group of hs'ing families at a conference, based on his years in the confessional we should not allow sleepovers.
We only had littles then but that formed our policy and it hasn't been a problem. Our children know and accept our family policy.
We pick the kids up around ten if they want to be part of a sleepover party. Actually, many of our friends don't do sleepovers either, so it hasn't been much of an issue.
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vmalott
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We generally do not do sleepovers, either. Fortunately, the kids appreciate the value of a good night's sleep, so they aren't really attracted to the idea of losing sleep at someone else's house.
However, our oldest son (11) has slept at the homes of two friends from his baseball team, as these are people who are very much like family to us (it's a travel team, so we are all together A LOT during the summer). And while ds has had a good time sleeping over w/friends, he has stated that it is tiring and he'd rather be home.
Recently he asked to sleep over at a friend's house in the neighborhood, and DH said yes (against my wishes). Well, at 10pm ds called saying he wanted to come home instead, so DH went up the road to pick him up. I think he was tired, but the other boys (two brothers) were bouncing off the walls.
Valerie
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JenniferS
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Our dd has had very few sleep-overs. Our boys have only had sleep-overs at grandma's when I am delivering a baby. (Mom--my mom-- just isn't up for it a lot anymore. And the kids have never slept over at dh's mom, as she lives with her significant other. We aren't okay with that situation.) Anyway...I am really not very comfortable with the whole sleep-over thing. Dh thinks I am silly, but dd has only spent the night with a few families with whom we are very close. We have had a few sleep-overs at our house(rarely), but they end up being the girls(dd and sleepover friend)picking on the boys, with the exception of one friend of dd's(who is about the kindest little girl I know).
I personally wish we had never allowed the sleep-over thing to start. I just like having all of my kiddos home with me.
Oh...once a year they do go campout at dh's sister's house with all of their other cousins. I consider this an exception to my thoughts on sleep-overs.
Jen
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Nov 15 2007 at 10:55pm | IP Logged
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MarilynW wrote:
| I personally do not see why anyone NEEDS a sleepover |
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There *is* the one you mentioned: Mom going into labor or being transported to the hospital for other reasons. We did not have someone come to stay with the kids last time I went to the hospital (not to have a baby). The whole gang came to visit me. When my husband found they were starting to get squirrely, he ushered them out the door. As they were driving home (which was about 30 minutes away and they had already driven 20 of it), I was discharged and had to wait for them to all come back.
Then there are the friends who live over the mountain, those whose house it would be hard to drive to in inclement weather, or those who live or two states away.
And then there's the fact that some of us are unable to live close to family.
As many children as we've had, as many times as I've visited hospitals overnight, as many times as we've moved and been out of furniture or out of house sometimes for six weeks at a stretch, practically NO rule is hard and fast. Just like the English language, there are always exceptions to the rule.
As our children get older, I see the need they feel of stretching their wings. I would rather they stretch their wings at a trusted friend's house than out on the street.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Matt 10:29-31)
Though this world is a scary place and gets scarier all the time, we try not to fear. There's a very real potential to become paranoid about everything. Think about how you met and fell in love with your husband. Did you know everything there was to know about him before you married him? Could he not have been hiding something sinister about himself? And what are you going to do when your daughter meets that special someone? Grill him? Check his record? Sometimes those things won't tell you enough.
I don't deny that sleepovers can be scary things. I heard some whopper horror stories of what has happened. But sometimes we just have to whisper a prayer and reach out and trust in God that He will provide us with friends who, in some ways, are closer than family. God will take care of us however He wills.
Just a thought,
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Cay Gibson
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I hate sleepovers. My boys hate sleepovers. My girls love sleepovers. They are so not like I was at their age. I was a quiet, one-friend-at-a-time type person. My girls ask for sleepovers on a weekly basis.
We have allowed them but I personally find them exhaustive. I also am aware of the downfalls associated with sleepovers.
For the most part, my children stay with the same families over and over again, and I know if they were uncomfortable staying at that friend's house that they wouldn't ask to go so much.
Their friends also come here but I've made a rule now that the two younger girls can only have a sleepover if Kayleigh (oldest dd) is here to supervise and pop popcorn, moderate the televisions, etc. I just don't have the energy I use to have.
When my older children were growing up I made their sleepovers fun. It was all about popping popcorn, making fudge, funny faces on balloons, watching fav movies, dancing, telling stories, etc. I had my day in the sun. Now I'm a prune.  The whole thing exhausts me---mainly because I didn't like them when I was a child---and if I could start all over again I probably wouldn't allow them.
I've limited the big sleepovers to one campout in the spring and an occasional one like the one last month for my dd's birthday party. I'm not planning any more of those until they are old enough to take care of themselves.
I'm so glad my boys never liked sleepovers.
One hard and fast rule we have is no, absolutely no, sleeping over on school nights. Homeschooled or not...it's a good excuse to use!
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Kristie 4
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We do sleepovers here- my ds12 not really (except in emergency), my younger 2 NO WAY (I don't have the energy for 5 and 7 year old boys to be cranky and overtired) , but my daughter averages 3-4 a month.
For me, I feel like my daughter is around her three brothers all the time. She yearns to be with more females!! (I empathize with her many days ). She has a couple beautiful friends whose parents we are close with. They always have such a wonderful time together, and most weekends will find her with one of the two. BUT I am not the 'fun mom' sleepover mom, nor are her two friends' moms. When one of Hannah's friends sleepover I rarely see them. Yes, I check in on them, and yes they are occupying themselves wonderfully ALL the time. At the end of most sleepovers there is a dance recital, heaps of original beading/orgami/etc., and lots of hugs. I also take a gauge on my daughter when Friday hits- if it has been a week with just the family all week, and if she is rested but I can see that some girl time would be good then we arrange a sleepover- it is hard to explain. In no way am I saying that I need her peer dependent or anything- but at the same time her friends are important to her, and I couldn't be happier with her little friends or their families
But the one or two boy sleepovers I have had..... 
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Kristie 4
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Oh, and like Cay, I have a no sleepover during the weekdays rule! (Except for a birthday party!)
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Kristie in Canada
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aussieannie
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Molly, we have a stict no-sleepover policy as well and one quick perusal, Janet has expressed some of my reasons...I'm finding it hard to get my head around alot of writing at present, bubby-focus I think  but definately no sleep-overs at our home!
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HeatherNY
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We don't allow sleepovers. Once a child's been messed with, there is no taking it back and their innocence is gone. The benefits don't outweigh the risks.
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Heather
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Sleep overs, yes or no??
