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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 11:27am | IP Logged
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Why do people seem to feel that birth control is an appropriate subject?
My fil was asking about a recent OB appt and started expressing concern about my future health. He asked about #7 (I'm expecting #6) so I gave him my standard noncommittal answer. Then he proceeds to make jokes about "You know, you can still do that and NOT get pregnant."  THEN he starts talking about my bil/sil who recently had their 6th and chose to use Mirena...some newfangled contraception. Did I mention we were at a harvest type festival surrounded by people during all of this discussion!?!?!
Dh was not around, btw. I was completely mortified. I just don't understand why people think stuff like this is OK to pry about...not just our personal choices, but also my bil/sil's choices (they aren't Catholic btw). I was just as embarrassed on her account! Plus, fil had the impression Mirena is "permanent" so used that horrible expression "getting fixed".
I wanted to crawl under a rock. AND I wanted to be rude and tell him its none of his business. In previous years, he would start up conversations over the THANKSGIVING DINNER TABLE teasing bil about getting a vasectomy!!! 
But he's my fil. I can't just tell him to shut up. I need some gentle spirit type way to let him know that he is talking to a woman and women don't feel comfortable talking about this stuff with their FIL's. I mean, couldn't he at least wait and bug his own son about it in the garage or something, where the environment is all male?
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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asplendidtime
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 12:21pm | IP Logged
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Books,
Personally, I refuse to have conversations like that with in-laws or parents without dh being present. I might say "if you really want to talk about this let's wait until we can sit down and talk with (dh's name) about it."
I just don't do it anymore, they would just overwhelm me, and harangue me, but not when dh is around. Something about the fact that a dh won't let his wife get harassed prevents them from going there.
My parents just came for a visit, and dh took the whole week off or otherwise it would have been another long week of Dad telling me my life is a mess. It is all wrong, and an insult to Christ! But guess what? With dh present, Dad did not feel free to act like he was my father and I was a little kid. He had to respect another man's home, another man's wife, another man's decisions. Huge difference! I love my dh! 
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 3:00pm | IP Logged
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I know it's hard to come up with a response or comment at the time someone is talking to you like this. Knowing that your fil has no sense that this topic is private and personal, you have undoubtedly realized he just might try to talk about this any old time. Be forewarned when you know you'll be around him!
I think you should put this on the "lowest common denominator" and honestly say, "This is a very personal topic and I do not feel comfortable talking about it in such a public setting. If you want to discuss this with your son, in private, I think that would be more appropriate." Personally, I don't think that is disrespectful. It is clear, honest, and modest (if you will). You already know how your fil feels about BC and, imho, it wouldn't do much good to try and convince him otherwise or to defend your position. That's why I think it would be a good idea to put it on the level of it not being good manners to get into that sort of conversation.
Peace,
Nancy
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doris
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 3:12pm | IP Logged
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That's really tough. (Incidentally, Mirena is a sort of IUD and as such is an abortifacient -- the gynaecologist tried obsessively to get me to have one when he found out that I had heavy periods. Yuk.)
I think the direct response suggested by Nancy sounds really good. If fil is being so direct, you can be equally direct back.
What I find hard (and I'm just thinking out loud, not trying to hijack!) are the comments which aren't so explicit -- or even not comments at all, just rollings of the eyes, sighs, curled lips etc -- which I get from a certain family member who I won't name... It's not direct enough to challenge but is nasty enough to hurt.
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 7:35pm | IP Logged
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Hmmmmmmmmm...my sil was told Mirena was not an abortifacient and was safe for nursing...sigh...she is a very pro life evangelical.
I guess I could try telling him to talk with dh about it. Its really hard for me with my in laws...we have a less than positive history and I am always wary of 'starting something'. I usually just go for the comical blow off. This seems to work, but I don't know how to be comical about this topic with the way he brings it up!
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asplendidtime
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 7:57pm | IP Logged
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The definition of conception has changed... Many doctors define conception as when the fertilised egg "implants" and they call conception "fertilisation".... Semantics!
My Dr recommended to us to use Depo Provera after our first two children were born. He said that there was no chance of ovulation! I called the company who manufacture the drug and asked very pointed questions. They admitted the truth, that it is indeed possible to ovulate, and then conceive, but the third mechanism of action is.....
I don't know much about "Mirena" but that a midwife who was asked about this on MOMYS said that all of the chemical birth controls cannot prevent ovulation every time, they all essentially work the same way. And it is a chemically laced IUD right?
Our evangelical cousins used the "Mini Pill" for use during breast-feeding, and being that it is the progesterone-only pill apparently the rates of ovulation are higher. They refused to believe that birth control was an abortifacient, and even said "that's not a word".
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Erin
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| Posted: Sept 17 2007 at 5:38am | IP Logged
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You know what ever happened to these topics not being suitable for 'mixed company?' Unbelievable. Could you just straight out tell him your not comfortable discussing your private life with your fil, in fact you wouldn't discuss it with you own father?
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Sept 18 2007 at 5:39pm | IP Logged
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Erin wrote:
| You know what ever happened to these topics not being suitable for 'mixed company?' Unbelievable. Could you just straight out tell him your not comfortable discussing your private life with your fil, in fact you wouldn't discuss it with you own father? |
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Frankly, I don't understand why this isn't intuitive. I don't know what I am going to do the next time, but I have decided that I am not going to hide that it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe if I look awkward/embarrassed, he will get the point?
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Sept 18 2007 at 5:42pm | IP Logged
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7smallones wrote:
Our evangelical cousins used the "Mini Pill" for use during breast-feeding, and being that it is the progesterone-only pill apparently the rates of ovulation are higher. They refused to believe that birth control was an abortifacient, and even said "that's not a word".
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I know someone who got pregnant while on the mini pill and lost the baby. It was her only miscarriage and was devastating.
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Erin
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| Posted: Sept 19 2007 at 1:26am | IP Logged
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Warning, I am about to climb on a soap box!!
My thoughts are all this 'nosiness' is a sign of the degeneration of society in even the most smallest details. Even our elders who were bought up to 'know better' are slipping. And I don't just mean one but many.
Example and I thought this was astounding. My grandmother has found romance  after a few years of widowhood. Her and her 'friend' have decided to organise the social life of their retirement village (that is where she has meet him, he offered to drive her to Mass) Their retirement village had no social functions. Anyhow on the first social get together this man, I certainly won't call him a gentleman asks me grandmother if her and her friend are 'slee*ing together'?  My grandmother is mortified  and tells him 'no'. I told her next time it is NONE of his business anyway, how rude!!! Then during the night in conversation with a woman something is said about a course, this woman says, 'you mean in***course?' So if these 80yr olds are speaking like this AND in mixed company AND to a lady then something is really wrong.
I say tell your fil straight, nicely but firmly. We need to start raising 'the bar'.
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Sept 19 2007 at 7:34am | IP Logged
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Ewww, ewww, and ewww. I am speechless.
This whole thing has made me think consider my own conversation...I mean, its easy to get to talking and not realize its less than modest at times, kwim?
Food for thought...
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Alice R
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| Posted: Sept 20 2007 at 12:10pm | IP Logged
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I have gotten stuck with these conversations too.
I say, in an embarassed tone of voice "Ya know, this is kinda a private discussion for another time"
Why do people think it is OK? Because it is everywhere. It's on TV, the radio, advertisments, magazines and every place in between.
Nothing is sacred anymore.
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Mom to Nathaniel (10), Noah (8) Alise (6) Rebekah (3)and expecting another blessing Faith, Grace and Family
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Why oh why?
