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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 3:51pm | IP Logged
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Our oldest is home from college this weekend for his first visit and it isn't going so well. He had told me a couple of days ago that he was going to work on Sunday at his old job and I reminded him to make time for Mass. He told me straight out that he isn't going to Mass so I told him he might need to find another place to stay, for the sake of the youngers and in respect to us. When we picked him up yesterday he wasn't the happy go lucky kid that I've been talking to/emailing and writing to. He told me frankly on the way home that he didn't want to talk about any school stuff and slept the whole way home. (sigh) He went out last night with friends and today when I asked about his tentative plans for the rest of the weekend he was adamant about not going to Mass and also though had no place to stay and no ride back to college tomorrow. The discussion deteriorated and it comes down to him not 'backing down' or 'giving in' as he sees it, despite, or because of, the years of 'brainwashing and forcing him to believe things'.
I hate our faith being used as a huge wedge - a way he still thinks that I'm trying to control him. I really don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him about just respecting our wishes, having conisideration for how vulnerable his siblings are and how they look up to him, etc. He just can't see past himself. And I realized how much anger and resentment is still there. He was close to tears and I see how lost he is in a way. This weekend isn't what either of us looked forward to I think. He seems sorta displaced and not too happy. His plans with friends I don't think have panned out and he, I think, wishes he'd never come home.
In the end, I told him I'd still take him back tomorrow after work. There is a 8:30pm mass at college that he could attend. I really don't think he'll go but that is his choice. I'll just make sure he gets back in time I guess. It's sad. I don't think he'll come home for quite awhile. 
Did I get into a power struggle that I shouldn't have? Could I really let him not go to Mass on Sunday morning? (he works from 11-5pm and said no way would he get up early for Mass) Now what in future weekends? holidays? next summer?
Could you say a prayer for us??
Theresia - with 7 younger kids watching...
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LisaR
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 4:19pm | IP Logged
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Theresia, forgive my personal intrusion- but is your dh Catholic? This seems very typical of a few friends we have where the dad is not Christian/Catholic. I am not blaming anyone, just saying it seems to be typical of many. And, what you write of reminds me very much of what occured in my own home growing up with a few of my sisters- conflicts with mom about the faith- dad kind of not in the picture on the issue. again, just my gut first feeling. If your dh IS Catholic, I would ask him to kind of take this one for awhile. I have noticed that fathers can often get to their teen/young adult sons when the moms can't .have to run. praying for you all,
PS- I'd say he is welcome to go to Mass with you all as a family, or to tell you where he will be going (and then you have to trust him I suppose) but if he is adamaent in stating that he will not go to Mass than it would be hard to be an accessory to that by allowing him to stay in your home.
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 4:58pm | IP Logged
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Theresia -
"He just can't see past himself." I think that pretty much describes things. I completely understand your concerns both for this son's life and for the example he sets for the youngers. Still, even though other siblings look up to him, he is an 18 year old (if that's correct) boy. It isn't unusual for someone this age to be completely self-focused. Not that it's the best way to be, or that it's easy for parents to live with, it just often is what it is. I would invite him to come to Mass with the family, but I wouldn't fight him over it. You can explain to the younger children that sometimes people don't make the best choices, but right now this is the choice their brother is making; encourage them to pray for him as he goes through a tough time. I really am so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you all.
Peace,
Nancy
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Ruth
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 5:37pm | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry. I have no words of advice, but I will keep your family in my prayers.
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Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
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mariB
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| Posted: Sept 09 2007 at 6:41am | IP Logged
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No advice here, either. If it is any consolation, when I went to college, I stopped attending mass. It took 3 years until I went back. I remember being in Los Angeles and feeling so lost. My parents were half way across the globe. I passed by a Catholic church and went inside and felt such incredible comfort...like being home.
I took another good two years before I finally went back. But, I have clung to the Lord ever since.
Blessings to your family. I will keep your son in our special intentions this month.
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marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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Leonie
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I think sometimes that some kids will try to rebel in an area that they know is important to us - testing the waters, so to speak.
I'd try to continue to be positive and friendly and remind ds of the importance of Mass and of mortal sin - but once thats said, acknowledge to myself that he has to make his own choices before God. Say my bit, avoid arguing, leave it before God.. And pray, pray, pray..
I'd always encourage him to come to Mass with the family and if he doesn't, to make sure both he and the younger kids know of another Mass time. So the younger kids see that Mass is important and that their brother may still be going to Mass, even if not with them.
Don't know if this is much help, but some older kids tend to be more "challengers" than others and will challenge on an issue they see important to us.
Lots of prayers from here!
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Sept 12 2007 at 10:07am | IP Logged
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Thanks everyone.
Lisa, my dh is Catholic but is the strong and SILENT type. He's a convert of 9 years and I don't think feels all that confident. He's also not the type to want conflict.
I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. And I am begging you for more today. read on...
My 18yo son, Matthew really needs our prayers. For his privacy I can't get further into it but he's on the brink of disaster or a big change. PLEASE pray for him, especially today that he will find the help he needs and then that he will follow through. Today is the feast of the HOly Name of Mary. May she intercede for him!!
Thank you!!
Theresia
Blessed to be the wife of Scott and Mom to Matthew '89, Alexander '90, Johnathon '92, Maximilian '94, Zelie '97, Xavier '00, Scotty '03 and Annemarie 3/30/06
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LisaR
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| Posted: Sept 12 2007 at 10:11am | IP Logged
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Theresia, be assured of our prayers!
Peace of Christ,
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Sept 12 2007 at 3:54pm | IP Logged
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Praying for Matthew.
Peace,
Nancy
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Leonie
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Praying and praying - St Monica, pray for Matthew!
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: Sept 13 2007 at 6:43pm | IP Logged
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Theresia,
I once talked about this with a mother of sixteen now grown children. She said that she would not force an adult child to go to Mass, but that she would require him or her to leave for an hour or two so the younger children would not be scandalized. She wouldn't say anything about going to Mass or not; she would just wouldn't let it be obvious to the younger children that an older sibling was not going.
Fortunately, this has not been a problem so far for us. Despite all the problems my oldest has had, she does still attend Mass and go to confession. God is not done with her yet, I guess!
Hope this helps a bit.
In Christ,
Deborah
Mom of Lisa 24, Katie 21, Kristin 19, and Joseph 7
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Willa
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| Posted: Sept 13 2007 at 6:47pm | IP Logged
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I am praying for Matthew -- you have entrusted him to Mary's arms and you can't go wrong there!
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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StephanieA
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We are praying also. Our 2 oldest sons (20 and 18) do indeed seem very self-absorbed. They live at home while attending college which brings its own set of joys and problems. (And honestly, it is hard to see the joys at sometimes when they are so self-absorbed 
I remember "having" it as a college freshmen and quitting school to nanny in New York for a year. I needed time off from being a "perfect" student in high school and trying to find God's plan for me in college. It was overwhelming.
I did pray for my boys when they were younger teens, but the problems weren't life-involving or morally threatening and they didn't humble me enough to take my prayers for them seriously. I see now that my prayers are going to have to be more serious and that I can't help them in so many ways other than prayer. That in itself is humbling to me and frightening at times.
Praying here too.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Philothea
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No advice, but praying for you.
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nissag
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Praying Theresia! Just keep being the example, forgive his rebellion, and follow St. Monica's example - keep right on praying for him.
You planted a seed of faith in Matthew and if you gently nurture it, it will bear fruit! Don't lose hope!
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Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Not going so well....
