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Syncletica
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| Posted: Aug 18 2007 at 9:56pm | IP Logged
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My brother in-law is currently staying with us while he works with my husband. He is in his mid-30's and has 4 children of his own. His kids are tough. (The youngest girl, 8, just at the beginning of summer break, broke both arms at the same time and didn't even complain about it. A few days later she stepped on a nail and couldn't walk. Ouch.)My children tend to be sissies. Not sure how to get them over that. Anyway, now and then, there are nights when my husband and b-i-l will actually play with them. (A rarity.)My son, who is 4, can be quite the sissy. Nevertheless, I don't agree with doing things that will scare them and then put the blame on them when they start screaming and crying b/c they were terrified. My husband never says anything. He seems to take his bro's side.
Tonight, I was doing dishes, they were in the living room, and I think my husband may have been downstairs. There was lots of laughing and playing, and the occasional scream. Then, there was this big scream from Braydon, followed by crying. My bro-in-law says, "What? What's your problem? you don't want to play? Ok, you don't play then." My husband came up the stairs and told him to go put his jammies on. I didn't know what to do. It's happened before. And uncle just says things like, "What? Are you hurt? Did I hurt you? No. Then why are you crying?" HE'S CRYING B/C YOU SCARED HIM, YOU FOOL!! If it's not fun for everyone, then it's not fun. Anyway, I told Braydon to come to my bedroom and asked him what happened. He said that uncle was pretending to throw him down the stairs. I just shook my head and straight out told him that when he finds Uncle playing like that, to go away. Come sit with me or go read a book. He has no business doing things to scare him, and then give him heck b/c he's crying. I don't want to coddle him into being a mommy's boy, but I also don't believe that's how you get a child to learn to be 'tough'. If he does that with his own children, fine. But this is my son, and yet I don't know what to do. I pray during these ordeals, but still don't know what to do. My husband will take his bro's side, even if out of human respect. That frustrates me. What do you think is the proper course of action? He'll only be around until October sometime. Thank God.
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Aug 19 2007 at 9:51am | IP Logged
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This is a hard one. I come from a family of boys and they love to rough house! I also have a teenage boy who likes to play pretty rough. So, my kids are pretty tough.
I would say, don't "coddle" him. Instead, say things like "Your uncle is just playing, he won't hurt you. But if you don't like it, walk away. You don't need to cry, but you don't need to play that way either." If he sees you react matter-of-factly, even though inside you are angry, then his reaction will be a little less intense. The point is to teach him that he doesn't need to overreact, but that he has a right to say no.
Tell your bil that your son needs time to get used to the rough-housing. Don't be confrontational, even try to add a little humor. Ask him to tone it down.
Talk to your husband about your concerns. Point out that you don't want to coddle your son. A lot of men get really upset when their boys seem to be "sissies". Discuss ways that you can both live with to gradually "toughen" him up.
And if that is just how your son is, then the men need to respect that everyone is different and they need to lay off and let him mature on his own. Some kids are just more sensitive no matter how you treat them.
Hope that helps!
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Martha
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| Posted: Aug 19 2007 at 11:11am | IP Logged
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Okay, normally I'd say to not play with fire if you don't want to get burned, kwim?
If a kid can't handle rough play then he needs to learn to walk away from it, not tell everyone else they can't play either. That doesn't make them sissies. Many times they will overcome their fears and everyone learns to respect each others differences. 
HOWEVER, it is plain stupid for adults to "play" things that are life threatening dangerous. "Playing" at throwing him down the stairs?!  That is NOT funny. What if one of your boys thinks to "play" the same thing with a little sibling and a tragedy happens? Why in the world would anyone think it funny to teach a child it's fun to dangle someone over the stairs?!
My kids tend to be pretty rough and tumble and we're okay with that.
There is a difference between rough play and sheer stupidity.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this is YOUR home and it's YOUR son. Wrestleing and such? Fine. The stairs is crossing the line though and I'd put a stop to it.
Make sme a bit  to picture it to be honest.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Aug 19 2007 at 1:55pm | IP Logged
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Okay, you did ask, "What would you do?"
Well, honestly, what would I do? I would be livid. I mean totally, furiously livid. That child is FOUR. At four, wouldn't he need to be able to trust the adults around him? How does acting like he is going to be thrown down the stairs make him trust your BIL?
It has nothing to so with "being a sissy." He is FOUR. Your BIL is an ADULT who should know better. 
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: Aug 19 2007 at 3:16pm | IP Logged
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Well said, Laura! 
I think there are two distinct issues here: an uncle who crosses the line between "roughhousing" and downright dangerous cruelty, and a dh who is taking his brother's side.
It's one thing if a child screams every time someone says "boo" or plays hide-and-seek. It's another thing if a child isn't amused by pretend play that involves pretending to throw that child down the stairs!! Not only is that setting a bad example as Laura pointed out, but what if the ADULT tossing the child around accidentally drops him? In the event of a serious injury, who takes the responsibility? (That kind of adult loves to blame the child, imo, 'he twisted the wrong way' or 'he screamed and startled me'--it's never their fault when anything goes wrong.)
The other, more serious issue is that you've made your wishes known and not only does your bil not respect them, your dh is siding with him. Now I know these things are complicated and you don't want to start a family fight or anything. But your dh needs to be on your side in this, and set an example of respect for your wishes that his brother will follow. You're already being extremely gracious to allow this relative to stay at your home, and he needs to be aware of that fact and to be courteous toward you.
One final thing: rather than seeing your bil's kids as tough and yours as tending to be sissies, why not take a positive view, that your children have a good sense of personal safety and a realistic attitude toward danger? I think there's something to be said for children who do NOT cavalierly break both arms, for example!!  Seriously, a good sense of safety can keep kids out of the emergency room when they're young, and can help them develop realistic risk-assessment abilities when they're older, a valuable tool for an adult.
Praying that you can resolve this!
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graciefaith
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| Posted: Aug 20 2007 at 8:14am | IP Logged
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I dont have a ds but if i were you, i would confront your bil the next time it happens. Have you tried approaching him and telling him to please listen to you son when he asks to stop playing something? Or maybe just telling him not to play like that with your son at all. I would expect that your BIL would respect you and follow your lead on this, especially b/c he's living in your home.
I consider my girls to be pretty tough but sometimes my bro will go overboard with them and i have to set limits down. He's pretty compliant because they're my kids.
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: Aug 20 2007 at 10:51am | IP Logged
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WWID??? dangle bil over the stairs and see if he thinks it is fun, LOL???
but seriously.... I agree that this kind of behavior is dangerous and wrong. no one, NO ONE, should be 'playing' with kids like that.
some kids just plain ole don't like to be teased and joked around with. some take longer than other to understand what it is...teasing, thus making it more understandable. (not dangerous stunts though, just good old plain fun).
your ds is only four. I would hazard a guess that he doesn't understand many times that others are trying to have fun with him. and/or what they deem as fun/joking, just isn't for you ds.
Not liking the way someone is acting/playing/joking/teasing doesn't make anyone a sissy. and making fun of a person that doesn't like it doesn't make one 'tough', it makes them a bully. period.
BIL needs to grow up, and respect your wishes, in YOUR house and with YOUR DC.
I would have a sit down heart to heart with dh about this too. you two need to be one the same side.
all this said... I have a ds (now almost 11) who hated to be teased and joked with. my Dad is a total joker, though. when we were together it made it very uncomfortable for my ds. I worked with him about saying that he didn't get it, or didn't like it, but that didn't work. so I talked to my dad. I was firm, but kind. I just let Dad know that ds really didn't like it and didn't understand it most of the time. just to tone it down. He did. and ds eventually grew to understand when someone was trying to joke around with him. and he even likes it now, lol. Heck, he has even played a couple of good jokes on his Gramps... like the mohawk haircut! LOL
But the important things are to put a stop to the dangerous activities, to curb the teasing/rough housing with ds until he is more ready, and to get you and dh on the same page.
good luck and many prayers.
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melanie
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| Posted: Aug 20 2007 at 11:57pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Laura, well said. Geez, I'd be pretty scared and screaming too if someone pretended to throw me down the stairs. Sometimes I think we need to really put ourselves in the shoes of these little guys. Would you be a "sissy" if your dh picked you up and "pretended" to throw you down the stairs and it scared you? I know, I know, guys are different, fine,,,I would still be ticked off at BIL and I would be watching for an opportunity to tell him to tone it down with the child. Next time I saw things starting to get out of hand and the child wanting to stop, I would intervene and take the child, look BIL in the eye, and say, "I guess you didn't hear him, he said STOP DOING THAT." And if BIL gets mad, I'd be tempted to say something like, "He's acting like a small child because he's four years old. What's your excuse?" Ok, sorry, that probably won't get you far. I'm not very diplomatic.
Anyway, sure, the four year old needs to learn a less dramatic way to set his boundaries maybe, but this is how you will teach him to do that, by intervening for him and being his voice.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What would you do?
