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StacyLynn
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Our family is praying about adoption.
Has anyone adopted older children?
I would really like to talk to anyone who is willing to discuss their family with me.
Thank you,
StacyLynn
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mavmama
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We have done that, and I would be happy to talk with you if you pm me.
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Liz
Blessed by 4 wonders
dd11, dd911, ds9, ds8
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Carole N.
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We adopted an older child (almost 5). I would also be more than willing to discuss this if you pm me.
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 Carole ... in Wales
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BlessedBGod
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http://bradadoption.blogspot.com/
Hey Moms,
I don't know if you found all the answers you were looking for already but I thought I would give you a, "Head's Up". Here is a short blog about one man's journey with an older sibling group...and it's not so good. Please look into attachment disorders and specifically reactive attachment disorder (RAD). I would recommend an extremely strong marriage and not adopting any children older than your own birth children. These are recommendations from a big foster parent board and I wholeheartedly agree with them. It took my family one whole year to heal from having an older child in my home who triangulated my dh against myself. It was surely ugly at best. We took a perfectly healthy family and made it dysfunctional. I feel pretty absurd for doing that. I just want you to go into this with your eyes wide open. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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Carole N.
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I am living that story right now. We adopted a 5 year old boy through DHS. We did not know that much about RAD, but we have learned so much in the past 7 1/2 years. Our family has been through more pain and heartache than you can imagine.
This past week, our ds ran away (again). He seems to think that he can just go anywhere at anytime. We had to involve DHS, and he is currently in a youth shelter (not the best choice) until we can arrange for him to be transferred to a boys ranch.
He does not want to live with us. This is so heartbreaking because my older ds loves his brother dispite all the mean things he has done to him. I cried as the police took him to the shelter. But there is nothing that we can do except pray and accept God's will.
Please, please, if you decide to adopt an older child, read about RAD. In your mind, you may believe that you are saving a child, but the turmoil and heartache that it brings into your home is almost unbearable. My ds will always be my son, but he choses not to live with our family. I am thankful that my dh has remained strong throughout all of this, but I worry for my other children and the affect that this will have on them.
You can love these children, provide them a great home, but still they may reject you in the end. Counselors will tell you have done a great job and that you have made a difference in their lives. But when the child looks at you with no love his eyes and rejects all that is important to you, your heart will shatter and you will feel a failure.
I am sorry that I have rambled on so much, but this is so recent in my life. I have stumbled through the past week and now all of the emotions are beginning to flood. Please, pray for our son and for the rest of my family.
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Carole ... in Wales
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Elizabeth
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Christian's godmother and my dear friend Denise adopted an older child from Liberia. I'm hoping to persuade her to join the forum because she has a very positive story to tell.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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lapazfarm
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Most of you know, we adopted our Jbug at age 3. She had a rough start in life, but is now a thriving, happy, almost-six-year-old! We thank God for the gift of having her in our lives every day. So, good story there.
What many don't know, however, is that we had also adopted an older boy. I will not go into details because it is just too painful, but suffice it to say, that adoption did not have a happy ending and that child is no longer a part of our family. It was the worst thing that ever happened to our family and affected each and every one of us profoundly.
I guess what I want to say is that older child adoption can be a wonderful blessing. It also can be tragic. Educate yourself and pray. A LOT.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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StacyLynn
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Good morning ladies, we have been touched by stories from Africa and have been praying about adopting. We know a missionary couple who are starting an orphanage, and we are looking forward to hearing from them about the children.
We are concerned about attachment as well as ages. Our oldest daughter is 10, it is good advice to hear about not adopting a child older than her - thank you.
Do any of you know any families who have had an international adoption of older children? We have met one other family in the area, they already had 8 children and adopted one more from a medical relief group called Helping Hands. This is going very well for them.
I appreciate all advice.
Thank you,
StacyLynn
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BlessedBGod
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Yes, there is a Catholic couple here who haven't had children before. They had to go to Russia two times in order to adopt their boys. They now have to travel quite a distance (an hour and a half) to bring them to an attachment therapist (read here...not a regular therapist) and to join an attachment therapy support group. The boys were like 5 and 7 years old when they got them from the institution and they had no rocking, touching, holding, etc. They didn't even know they were brothers. I think kids from foster homes in foreign countries would be able to bond so much better than the institutionalized.
When they got them home, the boys didn't know the language and they did send them to the public school to kind of get the feel for the english language. Because of the big gap in cultures they didn't allow the kids to watch T.V. for the first year. Finally, they ended up homeschooling them. Because the boys had an aversion to touch, the parents had to work on holding the children. Each day they deliberately touched the kids. For example, they would sit on the couch while one had his leg draped over another or something like that. They had to rock the kids and figured out that a trampoline would work for their lack of rocking as a baby. (Therapist suggested). They also held them and rocked them like a baby, which is suggested by most attachment therapists. Since they didn't like touch, you can imagine the fuss. Their lives turned into a deliberate bonding with the boys at each and every chance. All of the energy from their marriage went into these kids. Friends and family didn't understand why they had to re-arrange their lives to bond with these boys. They kept the attitude up that the parents should just be fun-loving and happy and the kids would just eventually bond. That just does not happen. I just read today about another family who has had a child in their home for years, that just didn't bond and now has extremely violent tendencies. The lack of bonding has to be dealt with or it won't ever go away. Also, I suggest not having any children in your home older than your youngest child. Your ten-year-old and other children best know that they will be on the back burner for awhile. My 14-year-old is very resentful of my fostering certain children. He really enjoys some and others he just is miserable. It hurts my family somewhat. Some children work well with a family and then again some just don't 'fit'. I am not saying this because it's my personal opinion. It's spoken of often on the foster parent boards. I pray things will go well with your adopting. It's an exciting opportunity for you all to adopt from your missionary friends. If you take a child in then it will be like you are missionaries too, right? Wonderful! Just know what you are in for and that will make the transition so much easier. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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Helen
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Elizabeth wrote:
| Christian's godmother and my dear friend Denise adopted an older child from Liberia. I'm hoping to persuade her to join the forum because she has a very positive story to tell. |
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This would be refreshing. I have yet to speak to anyone who has had a positive experience when adopting over the age of 5. Perhaps the happy ones don't need to talk.
So far, I've seen that an older child adoption will not bring a friend into the family. I think the safest way to look at this type of adoption is that it is a penance at best and martrydom at worst. One has to be prepared to have a child who will require constant supervision and a rigid schedule and who will not be able to simply "go with the flow."
We adopted a five year old.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Waverley
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I agree with BlessedBGod about not interrupting your birth order. We are foster parents and did A LOT of research into foster parenting/adoption before accepting our first placement. Almost every reliable resource we looked at as well as the recommendations of social workers and other foster parents was to not bring a child into your family that will interrupt your birth order. For that reason, we foster infants only (birth to 1 year). In addition, with older children coming in you need to worry about whether your own childern will be victimized by the older one. It is a sad fact but true.
Bless you for opening your heart to consider the possibility. Perhaps pre-school age child foster parenting would work for your family? We have adopted 2 of our foster children. We picked one child up from the hospital when she was 6 days old and the other child came to us at 3 months (after 2 month is the NICU and 1 month in an emergency shelter).
Good luck on your journey.
Waverley
wife to 1, mom to 5
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StacyLynn
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Waverly suggested:
Perhaps pre-school age child foster parenting would work for your family?
Waverly, we have been researching this option with Catholic Charities as an option.
Great advice ladies, I had not even thought to research attachment disorders.
Thank you,
StacyLynn
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Helen
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I've been feeling badly about my last post here. I'm afraid, I sounded too negative.
The Lord will never give anyone anything he can't handle. The Holy Spirit brings families together. I wouldn't change what we've gone through and I would do it all over again. It's just been *much* harder than I realized in the beginning. I read all about RAD before adopting and was pretty frightened by it but when I told my Franciscan brother he said, "Well, the good news Helen, there's no RAD in heaven." Both husband and wife need to be fully prepared and agree on the risks. The age of the other children is critical. They can be very, very hurt by the older adopted child. (Physically of course, but this is not always. But, I believe emotional suffering is nearly guaranteed.)
But, its not only RAD. It seems the older child adoptions require an army of specialists: neurologists, occupational, physical & speech therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, sensory integration, all sorts of processing problems and learning disibilities. (Significant learning issues) And this is when the report on the child says "Healthy Child"
So, good health insurance is very important. AS is DENTAL insurance! Our child's teeth weren't THAT bad but he still needed to be put under (with a specialist) and have his teeth worked on in an emergency.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Sharon B.
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We fostered children who were pre-school and subsequently adopted them. I was told our case was extreme, but it was certainly challenging. My sons were 3 1/2 and 2 when they arrived and the older one would act out horribly including physically upon himself. The younger one would have tantrums that would last 45 minutes to an hour at all hours of the day/night until he was 5 y/o. In the long run, it turned out just fine. Both are loving, charming, intelligent, productive young men and I am very proud of them. But it was not easy.
I also fostered infants for several years. Starting from infant has it's own negatives too. If you are going to foster, you need to prepare yourself that this perfect little infant that you have taken into your life and nurtured may be reunified with *less than perfect* parents. I found the reunification of the infants with their parents more difficult to except than older children that you could explain situations to. I still dream about them pulling out of my driveway crying inconsolably in the carseat wondering where this person (the social worker) was taking them to and why mommy wasn't coming. It was horrible. And then you never see them again and have to wonder what kind of little person they've become and in what kinds of situations they birthparents may be placing them. It's tough stuff. But on the upside, if you get to adopt these kids, they have no baggage. My youngest is just such a child and is as pure as the new fallen snow. She also was going to be reunified with her mother (a crack addict) 3x before they finally obtained permanent custody.
Would I change a thing? No way. I love each and every one and I have the most beautiful family. However, I would love to be blessed with more and cannot bring myself to volunteer to foster again. There are some situations in our life looming that may have us volunteering but until that time I am not jumping in.
I also would like to say that I feel a really huge sense of fulfillment in having raised my sons. They are exceptional teenagers. All four of the kids have had emotional issues, most in the distant past and not nearly as intense as some of the other stories above, but difficult nonetheless. I look at my teenagers now and I am so proud of the young men they have become. Would I feel the same amount of reward if we hadn't experienced such a challenging beginning??
I hope this helps.
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StacyLynn
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Beautifully written Sharon B.
You have given me a lot to think about and pray about. I have always known it would be difficult to have a child leave and return to their family, I appreciate your honesty.
StacyLynn
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Margaret
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I ache for the heartaches shared here, and for you especially now Carole. I am in the midst of trying to help my daughter now heal (as I have been for the past 5 1/2 years)--as Helen well knows from the many times that I have cried on her shoulder/e-mail/phone!! We think ??? that we have seen some progress in the last couple of months, but as those of you know with a child with RAD, we don't want to get our hopes up too high. Nothing big here, just small, very small glimpses of light. I ditto all of the above, however, I will have to say, my daughter is attached to me which is not the case of most RAD children. She just does not have a secure attachment. Therefore she wants me/but she doesn't. She wants me/but she wants to be mean to me. I do notice this changing with age, so it may get to the point where she doesn't want me at all. I said we have seen small glimpses of light. That has come with implementing the mothering techniques of Daniel Hughes in his bookBuilding the Bonds of Attachment, Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children I highly recommend this book. We have used many, many therapists, I would say the best in the country. We have traveled, had one travel to our home, and spent much money and heart to help this child. But using what is used in this book seems to be helping, where other things didn't seem to make any difference at all. We also are going to a Nancy Thomas camp in August. I am so praying that what we have done so far implementing Daniel Hughes techniques and going to this camp will heal our daughter, although I know much work is yet to come.
To get to what I really want to share with this post (other than recommending Daniel Hughes' book) is that this child has given me a love that I never would have known otherwise. I was blessed to have her placed in my arms at 13 1/2 months unlike older child adoptions. Even though I knew something wasn't right--right away, I still had the mother feeling of holding a baby in my arms. I have felt her pain, wept many (actually daily)tears with her, and cried with her for her past neglect. She still has physical scars to prove her infant pain, and of course the emotional scars. A mother can love a husband and her children with a special love, but this child has given me a love that is known for no other. Not better, just different (which I think only few are blessed to know-she is truly our spiritual gift). She has in a weird to the world way blessed our family. Our 2nd bio son will be a sophmore in college this fall and is not sure at all what he wants to major in. He has considered being an attachment therapist for no other reason than the love and compassion he has for his sister. This is ditto for all of us. (I guess another point--my bio children are all older, so we do not have to worry about her abusing our other children, except that we adopted another daughter after her, 2 years younger--and NO, I never take my eyes off of them!! She doesn't abuse her so much physically, but as Helen said, emotionally.) As much pain/dysfunction that she has caused our family (and in this way made us stronger), not one of us sees her this way. We all look at her with love and compassion (and believe me, she is mean, physically and emotionally to all of us). But to her, it is not mean; she is ill. I guess this is another point to my post. She has just as much human value in God's eyes as the 'perfect child'. She is a child of God and deserves just as much dignity as each one of us. If she gets to the point where we can't handle her, what can the 'state do that I can't do'? I can do what they can do except with love. (Carole, with your child running away--I am not sure. My daughter tells me at 6 that she is going to leave me/get away from me. So that may be in our future.)
Would we not get her if we knew what we know now? No way. We are all in love with her, suffered much--yes, see God's kingdom different--YES!, and we will never be the same! Praise be to God!
Love,
Margaret
I have posted on my blog several posts about her. I am quite blunt about the pain. However, I guess that it is a place that I can vent with people I do not know, as opposed to sharing with people in our very small hometown and are not prayer warriors that I know that you all are. Thank you I don't mean to post about the negative either--I think that it is quite clear the love that this child has given us and the love that we have for her.
www.typepad.tomargaret.com
In the Shade of the Old Oaks
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Helen
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Thanks Sharon and Margaret for your posts.
I've been thinking about Sharon's words for a few days. I believe greatness can come from such suffering. I do see greatness in my children and it is helpful to hear Sharon talk about the older children she has.
Thank you Margaret - it is a spiritual battle. And you're right. The love shared between the Rad child and the parent is different than my other children. Through all the pain, because of the pain, we've each made a tremendous committment to the other. We're still working it out, still standing by the other. I'm pretty sure he knows I will be there for him no matter what.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Sharon B.
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Margaret, I just want to highlight one point that you brought up. We don't always know why we experience the things we do. God has a plan and I believe in this so strongly. In your case, maybe it was to lead your older son to become an attachment counselor, and still other blessings that you haven't yet seen and may never connect with your RAD child. Case in point, my older sons have an older sister who was adopted by another family. Her experience has not been good and she plans to move away from them when she turns 18 even though she will still be a senior in high school. My sons sometimes question - why? I don't know right now. But I hope that someday -- maybe even 10-15 years from now -- I'll be able to say "ah, maybe that's why" God allowed her to have such a disappointing family life while her brothers and sister were adopted by us.
I hope in my first post I really expressed how rewarding the experience has been and how full my life is because of our adoptions. There is much to be gained despite the suffering. Especially when you're on the other side of it looking back. 
Sharon, mom to 4
http://sunflowerdays-sharon.blogspot.com/
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nissag
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My husband, Brian's cousin Lucy has adopted an older sibling group of 4 from Africa (not sure of the nation). They have 13 children altogether.
I pray that we will be able to do the same!
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Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: adopting older children
