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Lisbet
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 1:34pm | IP Logged
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That's what I said to someone at the market this morning. It's a beautiful spring day here in Ohio, we were all giddy to go to the fruit and veggie market for picinic fixings, fresh veggies and juicy fruits. The kids were so well behaved and helpful, we were having a great time.
Then, a woman in line at the deli counter turns to me and says (while baby is on my back snuggly sleeping, oldest is pushing todder in the cart, oldest daughter is placing our order, the rest are just gabbing and laughing having a grand time...) "I'm glad it's you and not me, I have two and they drive me crazy."
My reply was "I am so sorry to hear that." The older kids gave me a real confused look. A lady beside her laughed and nodded, laughed, and agreed with her.
I don't get it. It's one thing to feel that way, but then to say it, outloud, in front of children. I feel so sad for people who really feel that way.
How do you deal with it when you get those off remarks at times when it seems like you could soar from the joy you get from your children?? I was just dumbfounded. We were minding our own business, having a great time, enjoying our lovely day. I don't get it.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Bridget
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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Lisbet wrote:
| "I'm glad it's you and not me, I have two and they drive me crazy." |
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I always have a hard time not saying, "If you would do a better job raising them you would enjoy it more."
Fortunately, my guardian angel claps his hand over my mouth.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Martha
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 1:58pm | IP Logged
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Bridget wrote:
Lisbet wrote:
| "I'm glad it's you and not me, I have two and they drive me crazy." |
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I always have a hard time not saying, "If you would do a better job raising them you would enjoy it more."
Fortunately, my guardian angel claps his hand over my mouth. |
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 Aint' that sorta the truth?! I say sorta because, well, I know my kids can be bratty, but I also know they don't get away with it for long! 
To the end of my days, I will never forget 2 particuliar incidents.
1 was during my 6th pregnancy and 2nd attempt to complete RCIA before getting pregnant (obviously I failed as I was pregnant  ) I was discussing my situation with the priest. One of the other ladies with her grown dd and her little dgd were sitting with us at the table when I told the priest I was pregnant. The lady said right in front of her dd and dgd, "OMG! I think I'd shoot myself in the head before I'd ever have had another!" I felt so terrible for her family. And poor Fr. M. just had a look of dumb-founded horrible sadness on his face. I just look at her dgd and dd and said, "They don't seem so bad to me. Thanks to God, they seem to be fairly decent people." 
2nd was the mother of a 12-ish yr old son at a toy store not long after the birth of #7. She asked me the usual Q and A, then said, "Well you're a better person than me! I believe there's good reason some animals eat their young!" 
I can't stand it when they speak like this in front of MY dc, but to speak about ones own children like this?! I don't care what anyone says, it's not funny just because it's said with a smile and followed with a off-handed, "but they know I love them!" 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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joann10
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[QUOTE=Lisbet] "I'm glad it's you and not me, I have two and they drive me crazy."
My immediate thought was that I would have said,"I'm glad it's me also."
When people sarcastically say 'God Bless You' to us when we are all together, I have told the kids to tell the person that we hope God blesses them also. 
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Maryan
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Lisa,
That seems like a good reply. It boggles my mind too -- how somone can say something negative about kids in front of kids!
Sadly, there are so many people who really don't think children are blessings...
But what a beautiful picture of fun family life you are going to get items for a picnic!! 
__________________
Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
A Lee in the Woudes
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KC in TX
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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I don't have answer for you, but the picture you painted was so beautiful of you and your kiddoes getting supplies to go on a family picnic. How fun!!!
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Elizabeth
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With that particular comment, my dh has been known to answer, "I'm glad it's not you, either." I can't quite bring myself to say that but I have said, "I'm glad it's me; I love this life."
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Ruth
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Elizabeth wrote:
| "I'm glad it's not you, either." |
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That's exactly what I have chosen to say. My husband doesn't think I should, though.
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Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
Loreto Rosaries
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10 Bright Stars
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Lisa,
I am sorry to hear that the ladies almost spoiled your fun afternoon. I am sure you were a beautiful site to most of the people there though.  I think sometimes women say that when they are older because maybe they have been through difficult teenage years or had difficulties with their older children, and for some reason have a negative reaction to all children. And, some children these days aren't well-behaved, so maybe they are reacting to those types of kids thinking that you would have your hands full if they were like them. In otherwords, they bring their baggage from previous situations to the table.
Also, I think sometimes we make other women feel guilty that they willfully chose to stop having children. (Not women who cannot have children through no fault of their own obviously.) So, I would just feel sorry for their genuine ignorance of your blessing. You had a joy filled day, and I wouldn't let people's comments get you down in the least. I try to smile and give a cheery answer, as if I am clueless to their comments. "Oh yes, they are such a joy to us! We just love it." People often say in a sarcastic way, as someone else mentioned, "God bless you dear", but I always say, "Thank you!" with a big smile even though I know they meant it differently by their tone. Recently, I confessed holding a grudge against a family member concerning how she/they all make me feel "different and strange" because I don't dress "cool" like I used to or hold the same wordly values they do etc. The priest just laughed and said, "Never feel strange. You are the blessed one and FERTILE one!" I thought that was nice to say, and it is true. We live in an upside down world. I often think about how heaven sees me at those moments, and it gives me strength when I feel "strange" or singled out as such. I was thinking the other day that IF I get the courage, the next time one of my family members/(or a stranger) brings our family size up, I will say that I figure that you can go two routes in life...amassing wealth, status and comfort here, OR I can store up my treasure for my eternal future in Heaven where I will have a full quiver of children to enjoy for all eternity. Then, I wonder what they will say to that!!!
I wish I could have gone to the market with all the kids!!! What fun!!!
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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esperanza
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 5:22pm | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| but I have said, "I'm glad it's me; I love this life." |
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May I use this?
I like it!
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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teachingmyown
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I like to tell people who can't handle their one or two, "That's because you don't have enough! You need to have more, they keep each other busy!" Of course, most just answer that they couldn't do it, but there are some who say I am probably right. Maybe I have planted a seed or two along the way.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Cay Gibson
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I agree with you, Lisa. I've always thought that was the rudest most insulting thing in the world for people to say and can't understand why they do it.
Perhaps I'm not the most approachable person.  I haven't often had this said to my face.
My problem lately has been two family b-day parties AND a recent BBQ with friends where they began talking about how many children so-and-so has or that so-and-so is pregnant again and isn't that a shame and they're denying their children so much in life and it would drive them crazy to have that many and on and one and on...
I usually tell them that I was so selfish and impatient when I was younger that God had to send me five of these little rascals to teach me patience and to be less selfish.
For some reason, calling them "these little rascals" is something people can relate to. It usually brings a peal of laughter and an understanding nod. Remember also, this is usually infront of family. I don;t recall trying it on the everyday stranger.
Also, I've only gotten comfortable in the past five or so years with speaking up. I use to just sit and let it seethe inside of me. Once one hits 40 you realize seething is a lot of wasted time and energy.
I also usually end with saying how I always wanted a large family and we're very happy with the blessings God has sent to us.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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juststartn
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SeventhHeaven wrote:
Lisa,
I am sorry to hear that the ladies almost spoiled your fun afternoon. I am sure you were a beautiful site to most of the people there though. I think sometimes women say that when they are older because maybe they have been through difficult teenage years or had difficulties with their older children, and for some reason have a negative reaction to all children. And, some children these days aren't well-behaved, so maybe they are reacting to those types of kids thinking that you would have your hands full if they were like them. In otherwords, they bring their baggage from previous situations to the table.
Also, I think sometimes we make other women feel guilty that they willfully chose to stop having children. (Not women who cannot have children through no fault of their own obviously.) So, I would just feel sorry for their genuine ignorance of your blessing. You had a joy filled day, and I wouldn't let people's comments get you down in the least. I try to smile and give a cheery answer, as if I am clueless to their comments. "Oh yes, they are such a joy to us! We just love it." People often say in a sarcastic way, as someone else mentioned, "God bless you dear", but I always say, "Thank you!" with a big smile even though I know they meant it differently by their tone. Recently, I confessed holding a grudge against a family member concerning how she/they all make me feel "different and strange" because I don't dress "cool" like I used to or hold the same wordly values they do etc. The priest just laughed and said, "Never feel strange. You are the blessed one and FERTILE one!" I thought that was nice to say, and it is true. We live in an upside down world. I often think about how heaven sees me at those moments, and it gives me strength when I feel "strange" or singled out as such. I was thinking the other day that IF I get the courage, the next time one of my family members/(or a stranger) brings our family size up, I will say that I figure that you can go two routes in life...amassing wealth, status and comfort here, OR I can store up my treasure for my eternal future in Heaven where I will have a full quiver of children to enjoy for all eternity. Then, I wonder what they will say to that!!!
I wish I could have gone to the market with all the kids!!! What fun!!! |
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Kim, you mean I am not the only one made to feel strange, freakish, and inadequate by family? Seriously, I rarely get to talk to Catholics who hold the "open to life" views, not to mention the way I prefer to dress, etc...well, it's hard to find likeminded folks IRL period, much less in NC (there's less than 5% of the population as Catholic).
I keep telling myself that fertility is really a blessing from God...I mean, in spite of my health issues (I was dx'd with PCOS just before I conceived this time, and it's a total fluke of a pregnancy all around)....and that I should pray and feel sorry for those who don't understand what a gift that they are denigrating, refusing, and outright abhorring...
It's really really sad....
I never wanted to be the old lady who wondered what life would have been like if only I had had that one more dc....my DH is the 11th of 13. And while I don't have his mom to ask, and most of his dsiblings are not practicing the faith anymore, well, it's a witness....
And both of his parents have been gone for almost 20yrs now (long before we met/married).
Sometimes, though, it is the unspoken words--our actions--that do the seed planting. Simply by showing that it can and IS done...and done joyfully, with a full heart...THAT is a witness far too many people don't get to see.
Its hard for me to keep that in focus some days (for me, at least), like today....but it is impotant to try.
((HUGS))
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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aussieannie
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I greatly sympathize Lisa, I am starting to find similar comments made, a trial...I relate completely to Cay's comment:
Cay Gibson wrote:
| Also, I've only gotten comfortable in the past five or so years with speaking up. I use to just sit and let it seethe inside of me. Once one hits 40 you realize seething is a lot of wasted time and energy. |
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Recently I have an uncle whom I love dearly, who is getting very nervous about the prospect of me being pregnant again....I don't really know why for he is one of seven...and he loves each one of his siblings deeply...it seems such a schizophrenic approach to it all, in his situation.
This uncle came over a few months ago and we were showing him our new dining table that can now fit 8 comfortably. He said, "Gee, you have one space left." Dh said, "Yes, room for one more!" A few days later an aunty from the other side of my family (not related to this particular uncle) said to me on the phone that my uncle had been visiting her and that he was concerned that we might be thinking about having another baby. "What do you think of it?" he demanded! Can you believe it???
I was sick a few weeks ago with a tummy bug and he rang to see if he could come around to use the computer and the first thing he said when he heard I was nauseated, even though I described quite clearly it was but stated, "Your not pregnant are you?" I love this man dearly but quite truthfully, what cheek?
I have come to the firm determination recently  to say the following, if I come across any more statements....
"It is such a shame that my children are SUCH an affront to this contracepting world!!!" 
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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mairejam5
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I love all the answers given here. :)
I just wanted to add that my usual answer to comments similar to this is (with my biggest, brightest, most encouraging smile), "Oh, but one and two is the hardest. After that it gets a lot easier!" No one has ventured more after that. Usually I get either an uncertain and sometimes slightly chastised-looking, "really?" or else a thoughtful and sometimes even hopeful, "Really?" from some younger moms who have only one or two. :) Then again, it could be my 6' presence and direct look that makes them back down more than anything else. :)
Maire
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aussieannie
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And isn't just the truth Maire? I struggled more with two children than I do with five, my oldest could not even get me a nappy for the baby when there were only two.
Times when I feel everything is overwhelming me, prayer, the generous prayers and sacrifices of others ususally changes the whole situation around in time and I then wonder how I could have found it so hard AND that something beautiful has come from the trial..
It is the beauty of LOVE  ....real love finds a way and it triumphs more fully because of the adversity it faced along the way and conquered. The love of God, the love within the family and the love for those who support and pray with us and for us.
They just don't know what they are missing when they put those 'barriers' up and say "enough!!"
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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Angel
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mairejam5 wrote:
I love all the answers given here. :)
I just wanted to add that my usual answer to comments similar to this is (with my biggest, brightest, most encouraging smile), "Oh, but one and two is the hardest. After that it gets a lot easier!" |
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When I can actually think of something to say -- instead of just sort of standing there looking bewildered -- this is usually what I say. I have a hard time thinking on my feet, though. Or I'll say something like, "Well, it can be hard, but it's also a lot of fun!"
I don't know why perfect strangers think they can come up to you if you have a lot of kids and start making comments about your lifestyle. I would never think of walking up to somebody with 2 kids and saying, "Oh my! You only have 2 kids? Did you choose to only have 2 kids or were you infertile? How selfish you must be!"
People just don't think about what they're saying sometimes, and this is what I tell my kids. They don't *mean* to be mean or hurtful, but they just don't think about what effect their words have on other people. I do think that it's also true that when some mothers see us out with all our kids, it does make them feel a little guilty... or criticized or inadequate, in the same way that some people seem to feel criticized or inadequate by the mere presence of someone who is homeschooling.
I think the correct way to handle these comments is to err on the side of mercy and compassion... but sometimes I'm just not sure what an appropriate merciful, compassionate response would be!
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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MarilynW
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Angel wrote:
[QUOTE=mairejam5] I love all the answers given here. :)
I don't know why perfect strangers think they can come up to you if you have a lot of kids and start making comments about your lifestyle. I would never think of walking up to somebody with 2 kids and saying, "Oh my! You only have 2 kids? Did you choose to only have 2 kids or were you infertile? How selfish you must be!"
--Angela
Three Plus Two |
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My sentiments exactly. This Lent has seen a plethora of similar comments for me - ranging from "Sorry you are having another" to " I don't know how you do it - I just want my life back" to - the real shocker(which I am finding very hard to forgive) when I was having some spotting and contractions "well it is not so bad if you lose this one - you have others" (no kidding - this is the only one I lost my rag for).
The lastest was at Sunday mass (went to the busy "school" mass - and people noticed my belly - I was astonished by one lady who said "... I told so and so that you were expecting and when she was surprised - I told her that you are part of a new group of Catholics who have large families and homeschool" - huh?
The funny thing is that even with the discomforts of this pregnancy I am so enjoying it and already thinking of the next - so now when people say "are you done" I say with great honesty and feeling - "absolutely not - we are already praying and hoping for another - and Abby wants twin girls..."
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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Lisbet
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I am really used to the comments, but sometimes, when we are so obliviously happy being in one anothers company, it really throws me for a loop, ya know.
Thanks for the advise given, I was just struck at this comment this time.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Becky Parker
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Just from a different angle, it is comments like these that make me sensitive to those I see with many children. I usually try to smile and say something like "you have a beautiful family!". This happened to me once in the grocery store. My kids had had a long day and were tired and for my 5yo that means "WILD". I was struggling to get through the long check out line and an elderly lady behind me said my children were "just beautiful". I almost started crying. But I remember that well and try to pass on the kind words, hoping to soothe some of the wounds from possible negative words.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: I am so sorry to hear that...
