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Cheryl
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| Posted: March 21 2007 at 3:54pm | IP Logged
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I've been having a hard time for awhile now with feeling too busy. I'm finding that I just can't keep up with the laundry, meals and dishes when I'm out of the house too much. Going out tires me out. Or maybe it's the staying up late and waking during the night and getting up early and going out that tires me out.
Let me be more specific. We go out on Wednesdays to dance, library and gym & swim. Three weeks ago I started to attend a homeschooling mom's bible study/playgroup, so I stopped attending the homeschooling activities we would go to on Fridays. Last week was my mom's birthday on tuesday so i went out for breakfast with her and my sister and all the kids, then I dropped my ds 6 at my friend's house for a playdate. I forgot to leave his carseat so I had to go pick him up too. She invited me for a visit and I stayed awhile. We didn't do school that day. Yesterday I drove an hour each way to visit a friend and help her with housework because she broke her ankle. We skipped school again. I tell myself that this is not the norm, but really, things are always coming up. I'm invited places regularly and I've been feeling confused about what's more important. I think maintaining the relationships I have with people should be more important, but I'm not happy when I'm tired and my house is a mess.
I'm thinking about this more today because last night our nephew invited us over for cake at 6:30 tonight for his birthday. I've been working on a bedtime routine here for about 10 days now which is from 7-8pm, baths, tidying up, storytime, etc. I told my dh I didn't want to go mainly because I don't want to come home tired and go through the rushed kids-melting-down bedtime (also today is Wednesday, which is already very busy.) He's said he's taking all four kids himself. I can just stay home and sleep or do housework. So here are my questions:
Do you do break your routines to go places?
I wonder if you have trouble making decisions like these... choosing between visiting people or sticking to your schedule?
Do you have any rules for yourself about how often you go out?
Do you having any tips for getting out with young children?
I keep saying I'm going to gather the library returns the day before, make everyone do their morning routines early in the morning, start getting into the car 30 minutes before we leave, and make checklists of what we need to bring to certain places, BUT I haven't done these things consistently. I'm finding that my dc cannot be rushed. So getting somewhere for a certain time has been stressing me out.
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Cheryl
Wife to Bob ('97)
Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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Marybeth
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| Posted: March 21 2007 at 4:24pm | IP Logged
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Sounds like you are tired today. I wonder if when your dh takes the kids for cake,you could spend tonight making those checklists. Could you post pictures on the checklists so the kids could help you gather what is needed?
We have a set library bin for all our books which helps cut down the hunting high and low for books before their due date. Also,I keep dvds and videos from the library in a certain section so those are easy to grab.
I tend to use Flylady's advice and lay out clothes,jackets,etc. the evening before...nothing says crabby Mom in this house like looking for Blue Knight materials the day of the event. AAAHHH!!!
We do break routine and at times it can stress me out...then I remember how often my sister's dc (in public school are off) and how much time they have for guest speakers and field trips. It helps put things in perspective for me.
I use to go out weekly and sometimes several times during the week. I cut way back on scheduling outings for myself b/c with formal schooling it just is too hard in the mornings. If I feel I need a break...I watch a dvd by myself or spend some time looking at blogs..this way I am home but having downtime.
I think our children learn valuable lessons by celebrating with family and helping friends who are hurt and need us. Don't let these days seem less important b/c you didn't do phonics or recite spelling words. You showed your children how loved Grandma is by doing something special. You showed your children how you take care of friends and act like Jesus by being caring and compassionate to those who need us. Those are the best lessons in life!!
Gosh,I don't mean to sound preachy...just wanted to say you are doing a great job with your children (I read your blog all the time) and maybe just some set routines for less stressful moments would help.
I am shutting up now!!!!
Mb
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Marybeth (Mb)
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JSchaaf
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| Posted: March 21 2007 at 4:29pm | IP Logged
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I can't wait to hear responses, Cheryl! I have this very same problem. Doing all the things you mentioned in your last paragraph does help, I have learned that. On Tuesday night, before you go to bed, make sure you have everything in the car for Wednesday. Library books, swim stuff, snacks, changes of clothing, anything you could possibly need. Then on Wednesday am you only need to worry about getting yourself and the kids ready.
Maybe keep Wednesday as your only going out day? I wouldn't say no to family events and things like helping a friend in need (cleaning the house for someone with a broken ankle is an act of service and love, and should count as school!!), but maybe start saying no to other spur of the moment invitations ("Hey, why don't you guys come over for lunch and to play today??")
Maybe choose every other Friday as your playdate/visiting day. This could be after the homeschool bible study or in place of it. That way only Wednesday and every other Fridays would be "out of the house" days.
To answer your specific questions:
Do you do break your routines to go places? Yes, much too often. I'm working on this. Unfortunately, I have a good friend who is all to willing to break her routines, too.
I wonder if you have trouble making decisions like these... choosing between visiting people or sticking to your schedule? Yes!!
Do you have any rules for yourself about how often you go out? No rules, but I definitely need some stricter guidelines!
Do you having any tips for getting out with young children? Just what I wrote above, get as much possible packed and ready the night before.
Jennifer
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: March 21 2007 at 5:06pm | IP Logged
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I stopped breaking routines regularly when my kids were about your age. Before that, there was so little hsing to do that we could get away with it. But now, no matter how much fun we have at whatever event or get together it is, its not worth the stress the next day.
I look at it this way. People would not expect me to take my children out of school (if they were in school) to do something. And if I am off school, so are they. I am so NOT 'school at home' but for the general population, I use the excuse, "I'm so sorry, we'd love to make it but we just can't do that on a school night'. And you know what? People usually understand.
My children thrive with regular routines, hard and fast bedtimes, meals and snacks on regular intervals (and so do dh and I). The other day I was going stir crazy and packed dinner (sandwiches) and the kids up in the afternoon for a trip to Whole Foods (an hour each way, for us) and then for the kids to spend their gift certificates from Christmas. We didn't get home till 8pm. No chores got done, and I had 3 children (the ones under 10) who were really miserable by the time we got home, even though at 5pm in the parking lot they were having fun. And everyone was tired the next day. 
For us, it takes a commitment and a routine for it to really work without being overwhelmed and stressed out. Its hard enough to cook and clean and do laundry for a large family WITHOUT homeschooling. Without routines, hsing and lots of activities will take me over the edge.
I do break schedules for emergencies, like your friend with the broken ankle. That's a lesson in charity, imho. I stopped doing women's bible studies etc about the same time I stopped breaking routines. I got ruthless about the question,
"What is GOOD in my life that is taking me away from what is BEST?"
Evening Bible studies just don't work for us with small children in the home, and honestly, morning ones don't work either once children are schooling regularly (3rd or 4th grade up, depending on the child).
I can't do last minute birthday get togethers, but we do make room for them when we know about them ahead of time. I will plan that schoolweek accordingly if I know about it.
Something will always come up if I let it. I even had to stop answering the phone in the mornings (and let me tell you, that was the hardest thing for me to give up!!!) 
Anyway, I do know families that thrive on the spontaneous and last minute schedules. Their kids are happy, healthy, and learning. But they homeschool very differently from my family. One of them is an unschooler and her priorities are handwriting, phonics/reading, bible, tons of field trips and nature study. She doesn't make a priority of history and doesn't plan on her children going beyond Alg. 1.
The other is a more traditional schooler. She tends to go gangbusters on one or two subjects at a time, complete a math program in 6 months but not touch another subject during that time. She spends 1 1/2 months in the spring prepping all her kids for standardized tests and as long as they are well above average, she doesn't really worry about the curriculum they didn't complete. She sees literature as a great bonus, but not as the meat and potatoes of homeschooling. She just focuses on math and phonics for the littler ones and their family is really into speech/debate, which I think she counts as most of their language arts. She buys Abeka, mostly.
I'm not passing judgment on either of these dear friends of mine. I love their kids, I love my mom friends. I'm just saying that their schedule works for them because Mom's priorities are really different from mine. I'm not an unschooler and history is the core of our program. I'm not at all into standardized testing (we don't do it at all) and don't use that as a gauge for how well my children are learning. So I need the extra time at home that they don't. Plus, I think these mom friends thrive on spontaneity, too, while I do not. "Know thyself" would apply very well for this subject. 
Anyway, this is just one perspective. I'm sure there are many ways to do it. This is just what works for us.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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theogles
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| Posted: March 21 2007 at 6:18pm | IP Logged
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Oh boy would I love to have the perfect answer for you But I too find myself often overwhelmed at our time spent out too. Although we just began hsing this year, I have always over-committed myself. And the problem is....it's all good stuff. However, what I have learned is that just because it is all good doesn't mean it is all good for YOUR family. No doubt relationships are more important than housework HOWEVER I honestly believe this is God's way of showing you that you need to re-evaluate your priorities (which you are doing by posting  ).
Do I break routines to go places? Unfortunately much too often. However, what I find is that when I honestly pray about doing something, God usually shows me that I DON'T need to do it. I also try to ask dh his opinion. Don't know anything about your dh but my dh is a pretty good judge of what needs to be done. So, for example, before taking on a bible study, I would discuss it with him....pros/cons, why I WANT to, how it would improve our family life, etc. And, you know what, if I decide to do something and it is NOT working then I have to learn to be a strong enough person to say "God has really shown me these past few weeks that I need to focus more on X so I am going to have to withdraw from this activity...hopefully in the future I will be able to return but for now this is not where God wants me." Not to say that your bible study is not for you but I had actually begun a bible study here in my home and after 5 years had to tell the ladies that I could no longer do it because that was not the direction God was leading me. Very heartbreaking for me but I truly believe I would have missed out on some wonderful opportunities that God gave me had I NOT listened and obeyed.
Do I have trouble choosing between visiting people and sticking to our schedule? Again a resounding YES but here is what I have found works for us....We have hs 4 days a week, one day a week is "activity" day. This is when we schedule field trips, activities, volunteer projects, and visiting. For us this has worked out to be Fridays HOWEVER, if something special comes up, like your mom's birthday, then we make that day "activity day," get all the running around done that we can and have school on Friday. This limits our "visiting time" but gives us the opportunity to be flexible. And just so you'll know, our Wednesdays are extremely hectic like yours but we still sneak school in that day too (most times it is not as intense as other days but we still try to get bible, math and literature in).
Do I have rules for myself on going out? Do you mean activities for me???? Getting out without the kids????  Do people do that????? Seriously, I would LOVE to have some me time for my stuff. I do get some time because I have a friend that I can trade off kids with so about once a month I get her kids and once a month she gets mine (but only on Fridays  ) But if you mean how do I make a decision on when we do things, like if a broken ankle qualifies?, again I go to prayer and take a look at what my family will gain from our time away. Will they learn to help others in time of need? Or will they see that mom puts others before her children? That is a question you need to ask yourself on a case by case basis. Most of the time I find that the other person can do without my help more than my children need to have a mom in a foul mood because of all the other things she is doing. (Not to say it is not important to help others, like someone else mentioned it is important for us to help others and show our children Jesus in that respect but we need to make sure that is what they are seeing).
My best tip for getting out with young children...don't Okay but then you'd be a complete basket case from that So as the others have mentioned, plan ahead as much as possible. Leave as much time as possible. I have 4 dc as well and although the oldest is now 12, a few short years ago, mine were almost identical in age to yours. I would give myself 30 minutes to be in the car, so if we needed to leave at 9:30, we would start getting it together at 9. Having a set time (30 minutes for us) made getting everything in the car much more manageable and cut down on the stress for ALL of us. And honestly, consolidating as much as possible really helped as well....drop dd off at dance and run as many errands as you can while you only have 3 instead of 4. I still do this as much as possible.
Okay, well, don't know that any of that will be of help but honestly, prayerful consideration of your daily plans and HONESTLY listening to that voice inside will really help you be successful in your scheduling.
In Christ,
Therese
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mary
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| Posted: March 21 2007 at 10:10pm | IP Logged
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raising my hand as another who can't seem to stay home. baseball practice on monday and thursday nights, piano lessons on tues, art class and tennis lessons on wednesday, hike at the nature center on thursday and then friday we meet with other hsers for field trips or get-togethers. that doesn't include grocery run, doctor appointments, dentist, library, haircuts, food coop, etc. it's exhausting some weeks.
my kids are younger like yours (8, 6, 3, and 9mo) so i'm still managing to keep up with school work when we are home, but i can feel the pinch. i'd love to stay home more, keep our house clean, be home to actually have tea time or play, but it's so hard for me to say no. here are my answers to your questions:
Do you do break your routines to go places? - my routine is to go places.
I wonder if you have trouble making decisions like these... choosing between visiting people or sticking to your schedule? - i pretty much choose visiting pple.
Do you have any rules for yourself about how often you go out? - i'm assuming you mean during the week. clearly i have no rules. i need some!
Do you having any tips for getting out with young children? - start early. one hour before i have to be there, i get them moving to be dressed and have whatever they need in the car. try to be 15 minutes early and you will likely be on time. barely. why it takes 15 minutes to get into the car and buckle up, i have no idea. pack snacks and a goody bag of things to amuse the baby or a game for lunch.
i like going out. i like being home. there must be a middle ground but i can't seem to quite find it.
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: March 22 2007 at 7:10am | IP Logged
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I don't really have much to add Cheryl. What I am striving for is what Books and Therese describe above. We try to reserve one day for our going out things and I don't even attempt school work on that day. I try to schedule appointments, nature hikes, field trips etc for then. I also try not to have to run any errands until after 3 each day. My first few years of homeschooling, we got into a rut of running out for this or that reason after lunch. We at least got school work in, but the house was always a mess.
The hardest thing for me was making the change. Each year, in the spring, my hs friends and I all get together to plan the coming year's events. Last year I felt bad because I kept saying "no, we wont be taking part in that". It was very hard. My df's all have different family dynamics and different goals for their homeschools so many of them have priorities that are different than mine. But that's okay. We still respect and love each other. And, even though it was initially hard to say no, the year has been more peaceful.
Also, when we have been following our routine for a while and something comes up like a special birthday or a friend in need, it is much easier to break our routine just for that purpose. If we haven't been following our routine it seems like everything that comes up is so stressful! Does that make any sense?
I think kid's temperments are important to consider too. My dd (8) LOVES the breaks in routine. My ds (6) goes bonkers if anything is out of order. He really needs to have his days go pretty much the same. So, I schedule a few things for dd (like her monthly Little Flowers meeting) and it's not too much trouble to drop her off or share rides with a friend.
What has been a big help for me is to remember that this is a season in our lives as homeschool moms. That season seems to be lasting longer than I expected since I am 43 and pregnant, but I trust that this is what God asks of me. On the days that following the routine is hard and I just want to go out for coffee with my friends, I keep in mind that this "season" wont last forever and eventually I'll be longing for the snuggle up read aloud time I now have with my littles.
I also know that for me, having a schedule on paper really does help. I resist following it terribly, even though I love writing it. Makes no sense I know. But even just the act of writing it helps me to see the flow of things. If I don't know what is happening on Thursday until Thursday morning, it is quite stressful for me. So, I try to look ahead to the coming week every Sunday and note, at least mentally, what I need to prepare for.
I'm rambling here I know. My 3yo is "braiding" my hair as I type! I am also trying to hurry since I have been on the computer way too long (again). I also realize I started this long-winded, rambling reply with "I don't have much to add Cherly"!!  Sorry about that. This is obviously something that has been an issue for me and I am striving to get to where God wants me! I will pray for you as I know it is quite frustrating at times!
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Bridget
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| Posted: March 22 2007 at 8:04am | IP Logged
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Cheryl wrote:
Do you have any rules for yourself about how often you go out?
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We just don't go out till later in the afternoon. People are quick to understand when you tell them you have to reserve your mornings for schooling.
The exceptions would be the VERY occasional field trip, usually dad stays home to take the olders, or if someone is in need of our help. Also, breakfast to celebrate mom/grandma's birthday. Husbands and grandparents always trump the rules. 
Our only extra curricular activities are athletics and music because I cannot provide these myself.
It can still get too busy but my 'rules' help eliminate indecision.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Cheryl
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| Posted: March 22 2007 at 3:15pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for all of your input. Last night when my family was at the last minute birthday party, I did laundry and picked up the house. It felt really good to get the schoolroom picked up so today we could start fresh. It also felt good to be alone and have some quiet time.
After thinking about this some more, I realize that I was out way more than usual the past two weeks, with and without the kids. I've also been getting up earlier to have time alone for prayer and meditation, but I haven't started going to bed earlier yet.
I think I often know intuitively when I don't want to do something. Then there's the challenge of trying not to feel bad about saying no. But other times I really wish I could do something... this is when I need to be really honest with myself and say, you can't do it right now.
Today school went really well and after lunch we set out to go to the Bible study/playgroup. I think we were all looking forward to it, so it was easier to get out of the house. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to pick up some munchkins and realized that I left my planner (which is like my purse) at home. Aaaargh! I need to make those checklists! You see, I got sidetracked and put my planner on the shoerack when I had to assist someone who just went potty....
Anyway, at the Bible study, my ds 8 kept on coming in to tell me things instead of staying upstairs with all of the other kids. Then he took my dd 1 in the dining room and was playing with her and she fell and got a huge lump on her poor little forehead. Then I heard that my ds 6 went across the busy street by himself. I didn't even know he was outside! So I left. I'll be praying about this one...
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Cheryl
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Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: March 23 2007 at 8:06pm | IP Logged
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Well, I too had to come to terms with the large family "isolation". After a certain point, it becomes too difficult to go out alone without your husband, at least for me. I know that there are families who do it fine with just mom at the helm, but I find it very stressful. I love going out and visiting, but I too found that nothing got done at home. We came home stressed, dinner was late, school didn't get done, and I felt as if I were a day to week behind even though I had only been gone for an afternoon or something! I DO think people see you as "free" since you are home.
I felt very isolated for quite some time, and maybe even a little sorry for myself that I was ALWAYS home except for Food Lion and church. Lately, it seems as if a lot of people are coming here to visit, and I thought that was God's way of helping me out. I don't have to leave the house. Folks can come here on Friday, (Hi Ruth!) for a visit, or Sunday etc. I don't have to interrupt school anymore.
We are not involved in ANY out of the house activities. (not even kids stuff) I just had twins a year ago, as I have mentioned. I think it was the severe sleep deprivation working in a strange way on me, but somehow, I managed to commit myself to an out of the house activity EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK AT CHURCH!!!!!! What was I thinking driving away each night for worthwhile causes, YES, but NOT my vocation? I was on another moms group and happened to write in about how stressed I felt etc, and one mom I knew called me out specifically concerning one apostolic organization that I was in that she had been involved in too that took a lot of time away from the family. She said that I had enough sacrifices at home, I didn't need to be leaving my home to go and find them. In otherwords, I would grow in holiness AT home, not outside of it!! A total revelation to me I must admit. I mean, I knew that motherhood and being a wife was my vocation, but I kept thinking I should be doing MORE to be a good Catholic or living my faith. I live my faith when I patiently change the 6th smelly diaper for the day of ONE twin!!! When I have dinner ready on time, my major thorn, I live my faith. When I have clean socks for my husband, and he doesn't have to search for a hairbrush, I live my faith. It is sort of akin to being in a monastary I think at times. Trying to be perfect when no one cares or notices except HIM. Some days, it seems useless like no one cares about the meal I cooked, and no one noticed that their sheets were clean, but GOD knows.
So, I think the advice to pray about it is the best first advice. Then, I would check your temperment. Perhaps you a social person by nature, which is great!!! But to start, maybe limit yourself to one or two activities, including the kid's activites, each week. Start with something defined like that so you can learn to say no, and then move on from that starting point. I noticed if you just make a break from everything at once, sort of an "epiphany moment" with yourself and everyone around you, it actually makes it easier. (Say, "We are taking a break from everything for awhile to spend time as a family." People never argue with that!! ) I could not say no for the longest time, but then as more and more children came, I thought, if I don't educate these kids, they will NEVER get an education!! So, I had to really change my own internal priorities and grow myself. (I am not saying this is what you are doing, just what my own personal growth and journey was. ) It isn't as bad as you think, staying home. God always seems to provide if we let Him, and He will help you with this too. I think all things in balance. If you would go crazy being pent up at home, then by all means GO OUT, BUT, if you do it in a planned and organized way, instead of here and there and whenever, it would really reduce your stress level, I think.
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: March 23 2007 at 10:25pm | IP Logged
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Kim, your post really blessed me tonight. Thank you for sharing.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Cheryl
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| Posted: March 25 2007 at 5:10pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for your post, Kim. I'm am going to pray on this and also try to get back to planning my weeks ahead of time.
__________________
Cheryl
Wife to Bob ('97)
Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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BrendaPeter
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Hopefully I can offer a helpful comment as I have found great solace in pondering the life of the Holy Family, which was essentially a "hidden" life. The vocation of woman, as Holy Mother Church teaches, is one focused on the "private" sphere (vs. men in the "public" sphere). I highly recommend reading JP II's encyclical "Mulieris Dignitatis" to understand our womanly role more fully.
I struggle with these same issues as well. We're home everyday but then there's the phone & computer which also steal time away from our motherly vocations. As always, prayer is the best place to start...
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Brenda (mom to 6)
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Jess
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 5:30pm | IP Logged
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We were dealing with this same thing, feeling like we were gone too much and not getting enough done at home. I decided to step back from some activities and it has definately helped. We too have Fridays as our activity day, even though we attend a Bible study on Wed mornings. I am considering stopping that too though because it seems to really mess up the whole rest of the day. We don't even leave the house on Tues and Thurs usually and I really try to keep it that way. I agree with everybody's thoughts about praying about your participation in different activities.
__________________
God bless,
Jess
+JMJ+
wife to dh('96)
mama to dd(13), dd(11), ds(9), dd(6), and dd (2), and baby girl born Sept 14!
star cottage
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Too busy?
