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graciefaith
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Is your Dh a leader when it comes to your religious life? Does he lead the family Rosary for example?
I ask because my dh is not like this. It was I who insisted on praying the rosary each night as a family. It is still I who remembers each night as well. It's usually me who leads the Rosary unless i prompt him to and sometimes he doesnt want to. I'm the one who thinks of different ways to incorporate our Faith while he just agrees with me. I'm the one who prompts him to go to mass with us on the days he is off. I'm also the one who tries to get to mass early so we can do a few prayers before it starts. What im saying is, im the leader, not him. Is this normal? I've been praying for him to become more of a leader in this area of our lives. I know it's all in God's timing though.
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Bridget
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Mine is now. He wasn't always.
About the first ten years of marriage he was so busy with grad school, two jobs, his own interests that the children and I were more of a sideline. He loved us dearly, he just wasn't 'there'.
Since he wasn't leading us, I did, or tried. As the oldest in my family, I have a natural tendency towards bossiness, but thats not true leadership.
I decided it probably wasn't the best approach. I began praying for Fr. Hardon's intercession first. then I began backing off. Thats the tricky part because we do have an obligation to teach our children the faith. In my head i figured I could take control back if he didn't step up. But I knew he wouldn't step up if I was doing it.
I would ask him things like 'would you like to do the rosary after dinner or before bed?' Then I would let it go. Sometimes we just didn't pray it that night. But more and more he would initiate it.
I would thank him, simply and sincerely, for every little step he took. I really was grateful. Often his attempts did not look like I wanted them to look, but I tried to set aside my expectations and be open to what leadeship looked like for him. I worked extra hard on being cheerful and not criticizing, or asking him to lead.
I praised him in this area to the children. I made sure that THEY saw that I saw him as the leader.
We had other families over in which the dad was clearly the leader. Families that we naturally enjoyed, but it was a bonus that the dad was a good example. Inevitably the moms were a good example to me also.
I don't know if I am saying this well. (I'm kind of rushing, I need to start school work with the kids.) It's all part of a bigger picture. Most men want to lead but won't if they don't think the respect is there. If his wife is already leading he usually figures the respect isn't there so he won't try.
Pray and be cheerful and loving.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Maddie
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I don't have much to offer, just encouragement as I have been there up until recently. Out of our 17 years of marriage, this is the first year my dh has really stepped up to the plate as far as leadership goes. He was always supportive, but I was the reluctant leader. I prayed to St. Joseph constantly and asked St. Joseph to be the spiritual head of our family until my husband was able to do so.
In my experience, I think my husband wanted to lead but was clueless as to how. He and I were raised in basically pagan homes where it was NEVER demonstrated. There are some great fatherhood books and tapes by Steve Wood that helped my husband, but utimately it was the prayers. I should say, I wasn't the long-suffering patient wife either. We fought about it, I cried about it and there were times I wish I had married a "holier" husband like so and so had. But, this is the dear man our Lord wanted me to strive for holiness with.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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Rebecca
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I think many husbands are overwhelmed by their wife's faith and do not attempt to "keep up with it" or contribute in any way as a leader if their wife's faith is considerably stronger and more "outspoken".
I find it helpful to sit back and be quiet, rather than suggesting spiritual things for him to do. I used to do the latter and he grew resentful and uninterested. I feel that I was getting in the way of the Holy Spirit by constantly suggesting/nagging him about his faith. He is his own person that God loves very much and while I want to encourage him in his faith, I do not want to control it.
While we do not say a nightly family Rosary, we do have periods of the year where we do nightly devotions (Advent, Lent, etc.). The children and I pray together in the morning, at lunch and before bed. My husband has led our family some of the special prayertimes on his own. I did not ask him to and he might have balked if I had suggested it.
I think it is best, oftentimes, to step out of the way so they can step forward. I used to always remind my family to say grace before meals. When I did not do so one evening at dinner, he led it himself. The more I let go, the more he steps in. That, ultimately, is what I want, but it is hard to trust and step outside of my pride to do so.
In my opinion, praying for our husbands is the most important and effective way for us to encourage them in their faith.
God Bless,
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rose gardens
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| Posted: Aug 23 2006 at 10:51am | IP Logged
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graciefaith wrote:
| Is your Dh a leader when it comes to your religious life?...I ask because my dh is not like this. ... What im saying is, im the leader, not him. Is this normal? I've been praying for him to become more of a leader in this area of our lives. |
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I would say that my husband is the religious leader, but I would add that it comes with much encouragement from me and sometimes it means that I have to get out of the way so he can lead. When he's at work I lead most of the prayers with the children, but when he's home I let him lead. Even something as simple as our family meal prayer, I don't begin to make the sign of the cross until he starts it. I want to pray the Angelus at meal times, which he agreed to add at Lent, but Lent's long gone so if he doesn't pray it I let it go. We don't pray a whole family rosary, but the children and I say a decade while my husband's at work. Hmm, now that I wrote that I have an idea of what to ask for next Advent--I'll suggest the family rosary and see what he thinks.
It sounds like you have wonderful standards that you wish to pass along to your children, but you admit that you are the leader while you say you want him to lead. Its hard to have two "heads". Unless he's missing Sundays or holy days of obligation you might let him decide if the family will go to Mass on his days off and what prayers the family will pray together as a group. Out of earshot from the children, you can gentle let him know your desires for family prayers, but if you really want him to be the spiritual leader then you can't be it.
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Cay Gibson
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Bridget wrote:
| As the oldest in my family, I have a natural tendency towards bossiness, but thats not true leadership. |
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 Bridget, this surprised me. I've always thought of you as the sweetest, most mild-mannered woman on the face of any MG or eloop I was on. And I strive to be more like you.
Having come from a childhood with a "bossy" older brother and seeing my girls live under an older brother who has tough expectations for them to live up to, I know how overpowering "olders" can be. This revelation blew me away.
Bridget wrote:
| I praised him in this area to the children. I made sure that THEY saw that I saw him as the leader. |
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Great advice, Bridget. This one is so important. It's been tough in our home because both my dh and I are the babies in the family. Neither one of us likes confrontation...he more so than I. So I am usually the one who takes the leash by the hand and leads the way. Becoming a mother brought out the Mama Bear-syndrome in me.
My dh has gotten so much better at spiritual leadership with age and since he began making a yearly retreat. At family gatherings, if his oldest brother isn't there (ironic, huh? ) or any of the Protestant uncles (who are wonderful prayer warrior, btw), my dh usually leads the prayer before meals. It makes me proud that he feels comfortable enough to prayer before a crowd. And, of course, the children see this as a model.
Bridget wrote:
I don't know if I am saying this well. (I'm kind of rushing, ... Most men want to lead but won't if they don't think the respect is there. If his wife is already leading he usually figures the respect isn't there so he won't try.
Pray and be cheerful and loving.
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Perfectly said. 
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Mrs.K
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It has been said that all's it takes to make a leader is a follower. 
Bridget and the others have given you great advice. She said, "Most men want to lead but won't if they don't think the respect is there." They also don't want to feel judged or criticized or analyzed or compared etc.etc.. Be truly thankful for the husband God has given to your family. Try to remain quiet and thankful and content and cheerful, and pray. Easier said than done, of course, but that's what grace is for...
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Dawnie
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Just wanted to share this quote from Casti Connubii, which is an encyclical on Christian Marriage by Pope Pius the XI:
In the section on "Love of Husband and Wife," Pope Pius the XI writes:
"Again, this subjection of wife to husband in its degree and manner may vary according to the different condition of persons, place and time. In fact, if the husband neglect his duty, it falls to the wife to take his place in directing the family. But the structure of the family and its fundamental law, established and confirmed by God, must always and everywhere be maintained intact." [emphasis mine]
Dawn
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Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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graciefaith
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Thank you ladies so much!! I try very hard not to nag him and most of the time i dont. He just happily follows me. I know that our family rosary is important to him and if i attempted to put the kids to bed without doing it, he would suggest it immediately. I think i will ask him tomorrow what time he wants to pray and if he doesnt initiate it at that time, i will start putting the girls to bed. We usually do family prayer right before bedtime for them.
He loves going to Mass. He loves our Priest and loves to hear his homilies but it's getting there thats a problem for him. He's such a homebody. He'd stay home all the time, if he could. Next week i'll leave the choice to him.
He works 12hr shifts but has a 3-2-2-3 schedule which means he basically works 2wks a month and so 6mths a year.
He is a leader, when he wants to be. I think i take on too much that role though in other areas of our lives. I really need to pray that God help me let go and let him take the lead. Thank you again ladies for the advice and the support!!
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aussieannie
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I think in general, it has become lost art.  It is very hard to have a proper concept of what it is really like because so many people have not seen it demonstrated in their childhood - the place where we learn the most. The culture glorifys the opposite in a feminist world and it is so hard not to be effected in so many ways that are subliminal.
Whilst this has not been my personal experience, I tend to think in a world where women suffer so much abuse of one kind or another, the element of control in a relationship is important to them, so that they do not allow themselves feel vunerable in any way. So in a world where abuse esculates, this imbalance continues to dominate. We really are fighting the culture on so many fundamental levels.
This is where Steve Wood has done so much to restore the most important aspect of family life - fatherly headship. I remember Fr Pacwa saying once, that a Jewish study into the Holocost was done, to find out why non Jewish people would risk their lives to help and protect Jewish people. The interesting discovery was a proper fatherly headship in those families willing to help (you only have to think of Corrie Ten Boom to see that it existed powerfully there) - wow! - what a finding!
Bridget has hit the nail on the head about praying for the reluctant father, it is an area we have full rights to exert as much time and effort to this cause as we want - we are not stepping on any God-given roles to do it - and of course, prayer is the number one solution anyway! Otherwise, how can women not designed by God to lead the family, possibly hope to gain anything of value by trying to demonstrate it to the husband? Her godly example in leading a virtuous life is her best tangible effort to those she loves. It is not that she cannot initiate things either, but as soon as it becomes an issue of, "I'll call the shots around here", that trouble starts. 
I have a very religious husband who wants the daily rosary and daily Mass but he too, has a more relaxed attitude in leadership, I feel due to his father being this way. I, on the other hand, am the oldest child (my dh the youngest)  (interestingly enough Cay, people say, "If Anne is upset, then it must be something really serious! - Nothing ruffles her!" but I am still intense person in my own way. - I think I can relate to you Bridget! )
I have learnt the hard way that it does NOT work to let that imbalance stay in place - it is still a work in progress, but life has become much more blissful when I realised that there were things that were not my God-given domain and that it would continue to effect the family adversely for me to stay there.
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a culture can break down, but the rebuilding is always ten times as slow! It is hard to completely transform your nature developed so young, (not that you cannot be successful but temptations lurk to pull you back into your old comfort zone, that makes it a stuggle, even if others cannot see that stuggle  ) but hopefully the daughters will build further from what they have witnessed and on, God-willing, it goes.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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Bridget
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A funny little aside about having a strong leader husband.
I have had a difficult few days and last night I was anxious for the kids to go to bed so I could have a chance to catch my breath and pull myself together.
Well Kevin decided it was a good night for teaching sacred scripture during the rosary. He is a bright man and knows his stuff. But he also has a lot of Asbergers traits. He will start talking to the kids and the fact that they are melting into little puddles, leaving to go to the bathroom, and unraveling my couches, comletely escapes his notice. He JUST KEEPS GOING.
By the fourth decade I must have looked pretty distressed, I didn't MEAN to. He did see me and grinned sheepishly. "That was enough for tonight, huh?"
He wants to be a deacon some day. I told him only if I can sit in the front pew and have a little sign I can flip up when he has preached long enough.
Heaven help me, I have three children just like him.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Elena
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Dawnie wrote:
Just wanted to share this quote from Casti Connubii, which is an encyclical on Christian Marriage by Pope Pius the XI:
In the section on "Love of Husband and Wife," Pope Pius the XI writes:
"Again, this subjection of wife to husband in its degree and manner may vary according to the different condition of persons, place and time. In fact, if the husband neglect his duty, it falls to the wife to take his place in directing the family. But the structure of the family and its fundamental law, established and confirmed by God, must always and everywhere be maintained intact." [emphasis mine]
Dawn |
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Great quote and so true. My husband is very willing but he needs direction on what to do and when to do it I am happy to provide that!
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: is your DH a leader?
