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Nique
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Dear friends,
How do YOU forgive someone who hasn't asked for your forgiveness?
(And please know that I keep all of your intentions very close to my heart, in prayer).
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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stellamaris
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Ah, dear Nique,  !
Such a hard question, and a harder path to walk.
Here's what has helped me:
1. I remember and repeat to myself the words of St. Paul, "While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me." How many times have I offended our sweet Savior and did not even know it? For how much has He forgiven me? At what cost? It is so easy for me to say "Father, forgive me..." in Confession, but how hard for Jesus to obtain absolution for me! And for this person, too, who has offended me, Christ died. For His sake alone, I will forgive them.
2. The Act of Love has helped me, too. "Oh, my God, I love Thee above all things, with all my heart and soul. I love my neighbor as myself for love of Thee. I forgive all who have injured me and I ask pardon of all whom I have injured."
3. I refuse to rehearse the injury in my own mind. I don't repeat it over and over to others and I try not to dwell on it myself and "re-enact" the scene, if you know what I mean. Over time, it is amazing what you can actually forget.
4. I realize that forgiving someone does not mean I necessarily have to trust that person again or even have any kind of a close relationship with them. Sometimes a person's character is shown to be so questionable or difficult that it is best to be merely acquaintances in the future.
5. If it is someone very close to you, like a spouse or child, it will most likely be best if at some time you can discuss what happened. While it is possible to forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness, in a close relationship a distance is created that needs to be healed and I have found for myself that the only way to obtain that healing is if at some point you are able to discuss the problem and the other person realizes their offense. Sometimes, seeing it from their point of view makes me realize that I, too, have had a part in the problem and need to ask their forgiveness.
I hope anything from this post helps, Nique. I will be keeping you in prayer this evening and whenever the Lord brings you to my mind. Forgiveness is nothing more than a participation in His Cross.
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In Christ,
Caroline
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Chris V
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How beautifully said, Caroline!
You're in my heart and prayers, Nique
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Chris
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Nique
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Oh Caroline,
THANK YOU!
I am printing off what you wrote, so I can read it many times over.
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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cathhomeschool
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My prayers are with you, Nique.
For me, it all depends on how serious the offense and on who has done the offending.
Small things I try to let go by reminding myself of my own many shortcomings and on how I don't always even realize when I am wrong or have hurt someone. I remember that we are all broken. I remember how grateful I am that life is not fair (because if it were I, not Christ, would be paying for my sins).
Bigger things are harder. With family I use Caroline's approach (#5). With friends I have tried the same approach in combination with Caroline's #4.
I pray to St. Maria Goretti for her intercession in forgiving. (Wow! If only I could tell you how much her intercession has done! It is truly amazing!) I try to look at the other person as broken, handicapped -- someone who is hurting themselves and their relationship with God infinitely more than they are hurting me. I remember that no one wrongs anyone else "just to be mean." I think that we hurt each other in the process of trying to DO something for ourselves. I remember that God has forgiven me everything so how can I not forgive? And with all of this I remember that my forgiveness is in no way tied to the other person's asking for forgiveness. I forgive for *me* and my relationship with God. They need to ask forgiveness for themselves and their relationship with God. I can let it go without that, though. I can be free of the bond of not forgiving while at the same time forming a boundary (if necessary) if the other is not trustworthy. I can leave them in God's hands and pray for them daily so that God will work in their lives as He sees fit.
It is such a hard path! For me, often when I feel I've made so much progress, something will happen that shows me I'm really still at square one. But persevere in prayer and tell yourself and God that your DESIRE is to forgive and ask Him for the grace to forgive. And He will. In time. Just persevere.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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mariB
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Dear Nique praying for you in this situation. Love Caroline's #2 "Act of Love".
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marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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Nique
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Thank you Janette for your words of wisdom. I never thought to ask for St. Maria Goretti's help..I will!
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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Servant2theKing
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So many of the wise words shared here apply to situations in my own life when forgiveness was truly a struggle. One small thing that helped me was reading that St. Teresa of Avila prayed the portion of the Our Father, "Forgive us our trespasses, AS we forgive those who trespass against us.".....her emphasis on the word AS serves as a reminder that our Lord tells us that our sins will be forgiven according to how we have also forgiven others.
Devotion to Divine Mercy is also a helpful means of embracing forgiveness and mercy. In forgiving those who have wounded us, we might still bear scars, memories and woundedness....but, when we turn those into mercy, prayers and forgiveness for the one who has wounded us, or those we love, God can truly bring about remarkable healing!
St. Maria Goretti is such a wonderful saint to pray to for help in this area...thank you Janette for sharing that inspiration.
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Nique
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Servant,
Thank you for the good advice. I am going to start praying The Divine Mercy at 3pm everyday for this intention, and for all of you who have made the time to pray and help me with this question.
Thank you all
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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Fuzzy
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I am a very sensitive person, and have a really hard time NOT re-living or thinking about the hurt. I had an experience that was very disturbing and that person never asked for any kind of forgiveness. I was so upset and brought it to confession. Father told me that I have to forgive but forgive every time I think of the hurt. That really struck me and has done wonders in my thoughts and prayers process.
Prayers for you, Nique!
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Fuzzy
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kristinannie
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I have to tell you that forgiveness is the only way to make yourself right with God. I had a very bad situation happen to me when I was in law school. I thought I had gotten past it, but it kept popping up at unexpected times. I began to pray for the grace to forgive and one day, during mass, I was able to unconditionally forgive that person. I didn't call him (I don't even know where he is now). It was enough to completely forgive him in my heart. In fact, now I pray for him and pray that he hasn't hurt anyone else. Just know that God gives you the grace to forgive. It might take some time and some prayer, but it will happen!
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Nique
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Dearest Fuzzy and kristinannie, you have both given me much to pray about. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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Nique
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kristinannie wrote:
| I have to tell you that forgiveness is the only way to make yourself right with God. |
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I've been finding myself sad one minute, angry the next. And what you said makes SO MUCH sense. Only He can give me the peace I so desperately need right now. Making my world all right again, with Him.
Thank you kristinannie
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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kristinannie
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Nique, I am praying for you. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, especially when the person you are forgiving doesn't deserve it or hasn't asked for forgiveness. I can tell you though that forgiveness is a gift that God gives you. It isn't for the other person, it is for you. The man the hurt me didn't ask for forgiveness and probably doesn't want it. Me forgiving him didn't help him (although I am hoping that my prayers do help him). It did change my life though. It might take time (it took me almost 10 years), but when you really do reach that point, your life will change forever! I will pray for you as you go through this. God bless you!
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cathhomeschool
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Nique wrote:
| Only He can give me the peace I so desperately need right now. |
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That is such an important thought! We are all powerless. It is in letting go that God can work. In our weakness He is made strong. I beg Him to heal me, and I tell Him that I don't want to feel this way (hurt, sad, angry,...), and I tell Him that even though I *feel* hurt/sad/angry, my *will* is to completely forgive. Then all that is left is for me to trust in His timing and His Will. Sooner or later if I persevere in prayer, He will lift me and give me peace. I know this because it has happened to me in some situations, and I pray it happens in others. God will grant you peace too, Nique.
And I'm so glad that the Holy Spirit inspired me to mention St. Maria Goretti. My kids read about her but I hadn't heard her story until this fall. May her intercession bring as many blessings for you all as it has for me!
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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cathhomeschool
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Servant2theKing wrote:
| Devotion to Divine Mercy is also a helpful means of embracing forgiveness and mercy. |
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How true! Reading St. Faustina's diary, praying to the Divine Mercy, and meditating on His image has helped me so much.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Nique
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| Posted: Feb 17 2011 at 11:19pm | IP Logged
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First, thank you to all of you who have been helping me through this process of forgiveness. All of your prayers and words have been helping, trust me!
I wanted to share with you something profound my dh and I have been reading. The title of the book is "Appointment with God", the author is Father Michael Scanlan, T.O.R.
"In the last twenty-three years as a priest everytime someone has come to me and said, "I can't forgive someone," or "I can't stop resenting so and so," or "I can't get along with this person," my answer has always been the same, "Are you willing to pray for the person?"
"O yes, I'll pray for them."
"Well then, I'll tell you how to pray for them and you tell me if you are willing to pray the way I suggest."
"I then proceed to tell them how to pray. First of all, everyday, pray for the person before you pray for anyone else, saying, Oh God I ask you to bless _______ and pour out your Spirit upon her/him. Make her/him as holy and as happy as possible, even if that means she/he is holier and happier than I am.
I have challenged people for twenty-three years to pray this way and to come back to me and tell me the relationship has not been reconciled. My experience has been that if they come back and say they are still having difficulty with the relationship, then they have stopped praying. If you are willing to continue praying, then the situation will change. You can't invest priority prayertime day in and day out and not begin to experience change.
Either you change because of the incompatibility of your prayer and the way you feel, or the power of your prayer changes the relationship. This can happen because you, the other person, or both of you have responded to the grace of change."
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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cvbmom
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That's so helpful!
Thanks for sharing 
God bless,
Christine
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kristinannie
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Nique wrote:
First, thank you to all of you who have been helping me through this process of forgiveness. All of your prayers and words have been helping, trust me!
I wanted to share with you something profound my dh and I have been reading. The title of the book is "Appointment with God", the author is Father Michael Scanlan, T.O.R.
"In the last twenty-three years as a priest everytime someone has come to me and said, "I can't forgive someone," or "I can't stop resenting so and so," or "I can't get along with this person," my answer has always been the same, "Are you willing to pray for the person?"
"O yes, I'll pray for them."
"Well then, I'll tell you how to pray for them and you tell me if you are willing to pray the way I suggest."
"I then proceed to tell them how to pray. First of all, everyday, pray for the person before you pray for anyone else, saying, Oh God I ask you to bless _______ and pour out your Spirit upon her/him. Make her/him as holy and as happy as possible, even if that means she/he is holier and happier than I am.
I have challenged people for twenty-three years to pray this way and to come back to me and tell me the relationship has not been reconciled. My experience has been that if they come back and say they are still having difficulty with the relationship, then they have stopped praying. If you are willing to continue praying, then the situation will change. You can't invest priority prayertime day in and day out and not begin to experience change.
Either you change because of the incompatibility of your prayer and the way you feel, or the power of your prayer changes the relationship. This can happen because you, the other person, or both of you have responded to the grace of change." |
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That is so true! Thanks so much for sharing!
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Topic: Forgiveness
