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LucyP
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| Posted: Feb 11 2009 at 2:04pm | IP Logged
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My husband has told me I *must* go on a pesnal retreat next week. I feel ashamed that I am at breaking point and very weak and pathetic, as well as worried about all the practicalities of leaving dh with two needy, clingy, "difficult" children for two nights.
I can go to Walsingham and stay at the anglican shrine accomodation (the Catholic house is closed) and they are having a silent retreat for priests, so I am hoping it will be a time to look to God and have peace.
Any ideas for what I could/should do? I will be going to the shrine, and to Mass/Confession, and just spending time with Our Lady in prayer, but I've never done anything like this and don't really know how to get the most out of such an amazing opportunity.
Or advice on how to deal with the guilt and anxiety at leaving my family and home for what feels like selfish, weak reasons? Dh won't let me pull out but I feel so silly. I know it's been a very hard 18 months or so, but it seems so pathetic to be a breaking point.
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Maryan
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That's great Lucy!
I always like a bit of direction on retreat. You could use a spiritual book like:
Introduction to the Devout life by Francis de Sales
Something by Fr. Dubay
or Ignatian spiritual exercises
I don't have time for links, but I bet some other ladies have better ideas. I think it's great that you'll be able to take time to retreat.  And good for your dh to enable it. 
__________________
Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
A Lee in the Woudes
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Servant2theKing
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Lucy,
Know that when we seem to be at the breaking point, or at our very weakest, God often speaks to us the most! Trust Him, and our Lady, to guide this special time and to send you back to your family filled with grace and blessings for whatever the Lord has in store for you!
May this time be truly fruitful and grace-filled, bringing rest and balm to your mind and soul! Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in the days ahead.
May our Lady of Lourdes especially minister to your soul throughout your retreat.
BTW, if I were in your shoes I would go empty-handed and simply trust the Lord to provide whatever you need most right now!
Your husband loves you and your children very much to provide you with this blessed opportunity...surely God and His angels and Saints will watch over him and your children, while you are away.
__________________
All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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VeronicaB
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| Posted: Feb 11 2009 at 5:47pm | IP Logged
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I used to do a yearly retreat at uni, but I haven't made a proper retreat for 9 years or so now. Sounds like you do need the time away. It's amazing how husbands can surprise you with their ability taking care of children. Children often behave differently with dad. The change can be fun for them for a few days.
basic retreat material - rosary beads, stations of the Cross, Psalms, other parts of the bible too.
ask the priest in the confessional for a bit of direction too - took me ages to learn you can ask them questions.
I've been trying to get my husband to make a retreat - he's made a pilgrimage or two so far. The sitting still and clearing out the debris of all the stuff that worries you - it takes some courage to let go and reconnect with God. So easy to keep doing things. I'd like to know how it goes. Thinking about how to go on retreat myself. My youngest is still breastfeeding so that's my excuse, but even time away with just him at a conference I found really refreshing.
You're not being selfish - 'specially since your husband is telling you to go. We're all weak - St Paul says the same thing - its in knowing we are weak that we can let God take charge. Proud 'strong' types think they know better than God and kick against His plans. You're not pathetic - it takes guts to go on retreat. Jesus often went up a mountain to be alone and everyone needs the time to follow His example. Its a little known part of being Christian - meditation is not just for buddhists!
And I'll remember you in my prayers too, Lucy.
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Feb 13 2009 at 12:22am | IP Logged
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LucyP wrote:
| My husband has told me I *must* go on a pesnal retreat next week. |
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What a great guy!
My husband began sending me on a yearly Ignatian retreat the year his mother died and we began caring for his father who had Alzheimer's at the time.
LucyP wrote:
| I feel ashamed that I am at breaking point and very weak and pathetic, as well as worried about all the practicalities of leaving dh with two needy, clingy, "difficult" children for two nights. |
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Completely, totally normal.
LucyP wrote:
| I've never done anything like this and don't really know how to get the most out of such an amazing opportunity. |
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Don't worry. The blessed Mother will handle all of that. Trust her and she will see that you get the most out of this amazing opportunity. Just trust!
LucyP wrote:
| Or advice on how to deal with the guilt and anxiety at leaving my family and home for what feels like selfish, weak reasons? |
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Yes, I've been there. I wrote an article a couple years ago for Canticle on my first retreat experience.
Sharing some excerpts incase it's any help to you.
Warning: It's a "tad" lengthy so you might wish to print it out to read...while you're on retreat. 
Just remember one thing...
You are not selfish. You are called. And it is up to you to answer the call.
*****
Anxiety Before Retreat
I was the mom. I was the adult. I was the smile-bearer, the healer, the instructor, the counselor, the motivator. I was the heart of the home. I was supposed to be the model of Mary within the home.
What the children did not see, however, was that Mom’s well was running dry. I was pumped without reprieve, primed without oil, and sucked on without any replenishment. Luckily, my husband had seen this a year before and my friend had seen it also. She had often pleaded with me to go with her on a yearly retreat. I had shuffled my feet, mulled, hee-hawed about it, and fought the venerable mommy-separation anxiety which I knew would haunt me when retreat time came. Up until now I had always had a little one nursing. That was my ace card and I played it with a triumphant flourish. But not this year. My friend was my cheerleader and my husband guided my hand in filling out and sending off the registration form.
Three weeks later I received the confirmation card for the following October retreat. “I can always cancel,” I told myself as I stuck the card into my planner. It was a comforting thought incase...just incase...one of the children got sick or my son got in a car accident or my parents ended up in the hospital or my husband had to work that weekend or a hurricane blew through Louisiana and demolished our house.
The Anxiety Over Something Happening While You're On Retreat
(My youngest daughter did break her wrist while I was on retreat and ended up at the doctor's. Keep the faith though. Out of five years of making retreats, this is the only "incident" we have had.)
That afternoon my husband called me to let me know that she had fallen on it again while playing “let’s-ride-a-bucking-bronco-at-the-rodeo” with her godfather. What four-year-old can resist a horseback ride at a rodeo! The underside was swelling and bruising severely. She was no longer using the arm. My husband was calling to let me know he was bringing her to the pediatrician the next morning. I congratulated him on a good decision.
All I could do that night and all the next morning was pray. I could have worried about: (a) did he remember where the insurance card was? (b) would Annie be dramatized at the doctor's? (c) was she crying for me?
Oddly enough I didn't worry. I prayed, but never worried. I knew two things: she was in good, safe, loving hands and there was not a thing I could do. Her daddy was doing for her everything I would have done had I been there.
While making the Way of the Cross that day, it dawned on me why I resisted making this annual retreat. It's very simple.
I don't want anyone else taking up my crosses. I'm selfish to the point of cross-bearing. I happen to treasure the crosses of family worry and concern. Worries and anxieties paralyze me yet I don't want anyone shouldering my personal crosses for me.
"Thank you very kindly but that's my cross!"
I argue with myself that as long as I'm home, I can make the decisions, I can delegate if I have to, I can call the shots. I can drag my cross how I want and where I want. It's all in my hands.
Yet at retreat I had to surrender these crosses. They were sacrificially taken out of my hands and placed in the hands of those loved ones God has given to assist me through this life: my husband, my parents, my friends.
While making the Stations of the Cross, it was as though Christ literally thumped me on the head with one of my own crosses. I realized how blessed I am that God has given these loved ones to me to lighten the load of my crosses.
God has given me a spiritual husband who takes the reins out of my hands periodically and reminds me that it is not all about me. His delegation of sending me on these retreats is, in fact, for the care and well-being of our family.
I don't have to carry any of these crosses on my own fragile shoulders. There are several Simon of Cyrenes offering a helping hand…if only I will take it. Even Christ willingly accepted a helping hand in His time of need. Who am I to think I can carry a weighty cross without help?
I realized that, though the worries and anxieties I carry regarding my family's safety and well-being are a cross in and of themselves, God wishes I wouldn't hold onto them so fiercely. I realized it is a control issue and I don't like not being in control. I now see that the graces are not contained in a little bottle just for me. God wants me to share the wealth of His graces with others near and dear to me.
After my walk with Christ on the road to Calvary, I retreated to my room and called my husband on the little cell phone that was my modern day link to the outside world from this reverent, cloistered retreat house. He and Annie were enroute to pick-up her sister to go eat lunch at Burger King. He declared she was a "real trooper" at the doctor's office. And, yes, both bones at the wrist were broken.
It took me a moment to ingest the reality that her wrist was broken. It was such a simple activity, one she had done dozens of times before---if not hundreds. While sorting this information, I could hear Annie singing in the back seat of her daddy's truck. She was with her daddy, her savior, her hero. She was safe and all had been made right. God was in His heaven and all was well with the world.
Thoughts and Feelings After Retreat
I had fought against committing to this retreat. I felt I could give God my time and devotion in church and the adoration chapel. Yet even going to Mass on Sunday in a large family often dissolves in tears from the little ones, a disgruntled teenager, an aggravated father, and a discontented mother. I was not giving God my very best. In the end, I realized the retreat was not for me or for my family. It was for God. It was strictly between the two of us. It was a time to give my full attention and self to my Lord and Savior.
I began a prayer journal that I had wanted to begin for ever so long. Some of the things I went home with were:
* how to live in the world, but not be of this world
* the gift of self is the most precious gift of all
* continue on the same course ~ Phil. 3:16
* I need to put a skin on my prayers
* my children and others are doing the best they can at their age (when tempted to judge others)
* I am doing the best I can do (when tempted to judge myself or if feeling judged by others)
* whatever happens to us, we have a choice to be happy or miserable
* remain positive
* I am accountable only to God
When I returned home, a friend shared this quote with me: “I simply content to find myself always imperfect, and in this I find my joy.” ~ St.Therese of Lisieux
My children will learn that I am not always a cheerful smile-bearer, healer, instructor, counselor, or motivator. I am certainly not a perfect model of Mary within my home. I am full of imperfections and am only an empty shell of a human being. But, maybe...just maybe...if I allow God to fill up this empty shell with His graces, maybe there is hope that I’ll make a good Christian mother and my children will rise up and call me blessed. All things are possible with God.
I’d like to encourage all mothers of young children who are feeling frazzled and overwhelmed to pack up a bag and run away to the closest retreat center they can find. Locate a good retreat center that offers a silent retreat. It is not, as my younger son asked, a “quiet contest” for ladies. It is a joy-filled, spiritually fulfilling weekend that will replenish your well and refill your empty vessel. You owe this to yourself and your family. You owe it even more to your Lord and Savior.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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VeronicaB
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Thanks Cay! That article is great. I'm renewing my resolve to make a retreat, once my little one finishes nursing.
Veronica
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LucyP
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Thanks for all the ideas. But I'm not going.
DS aged 5 went into melt down at the idea, and today DH took both children grocery shopping, and the whole time DD (nearly 2) was asking for me and hugged me to death when she came home and found me still here.
Just not the right choice for me with my children at this time. 
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donnalynn
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Lucy -
Big hugs to you - I'm sorry this time won't work out but sometimes an idea needs a bit of time to become a reality.
I did want to share some thoughts - please don't take anything personally - I'm just sharing some observations I've made over the years - they may not apply at all to you.
I have always been a very attached parent - honestly I don't think my first child was left with anyone besides my dh until she was two. But I always had the utmost confidence in my husband to take care of *his* children.
From the time my children were very little dh had an interest in caring for them and I had the confidence that he could.
Over the years I have met many moms who say they just could never allow their husbands to take that kind of care of the children and here are my general observations of myself and other mothers.
Some mothers do not have confidence in their husbands to be fathers. Now this is tricky - in this instance I am talking about fathers who are willing and capable - but the mother is overly concerned about what the children will be fed or what they will where or what dh might do with the children. There are plenty of times I have come home and found children with clothes on backwards or inside out or the 6 year-old is wearing the clothes of the 4 year old. They've been fed things that they never get with me. They generally have some grand adventure and they do survive quite intact!
Some mothers do not have confidence in themselves - I have found if I am doubtful about a situation whether it was the weaning of nursing or leaving a child with Grandma...the children would pick up on that lack of confidence and make a row. But the more I am firm (not hard-hearted)in my decision that something is good and necessary the better able the children are to accept the decision. This is the area that I struggle with the most - I waver - and my children seem to pick up on this instantly.
Some mothers do not have confidence in their children. I have found children to be extremely resilient creatures. They rarely hold grudges or harbor feelings of ill will or past hurts. They are infinitely forgiving of our missteps. They heal fast!
There are times when it is apparent that it is the Dad who lacks confidence in his ability to care for children - especially young ones. But being that it is your dh who is urging you to take some time - this probably does not apply. This is a whole separate issue.
And of course there can be combinations - a deadly combination for me is my wavering and then a worry if a dc has been acting out too much lately or has the sniffles...then the thoughts creep in...well he'll really need *me* (this leads to that hint of a lack of confidence in Dad).
But for now maybe you need an alternative...a start..
Instead of a whole retreat - how about an hour in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament? How about a couple of hours at the library? How about Dad takes the children to visit Grandma or an Aunt or whatever...maybe start slow and get everyone's confidence level up!
My retreats are generally self made - dh usually takes the children away - whether for the day or an overnight or a whole weekend. I have time to clean (a favorite thing of mine to do when children aren't about), I can pray, get to confession, actually hear a whole Mass uninterrupted. I can plan lessons, read a book, watch a movie. I can do some sewing or knitting or whatever without having to put everything down every five minutes. I am grateful for my time alone - in my own house.
Cay - I loved you perspective as well - great article.
Lucy - I hope you do get some time - I am not a strong person - I get very overwhelmed easily - it does get easier as the children get older. Time for me to get back my energy and equilibrium are so important.
My prayers for you this weekend.
__________________
donnalynn
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Cay Gibson
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Lucy,
It's all good and it's all God's will.
When you finally do go, you will know that God has called you and it is His will for you to be there.
You (and your husband) are the only two who can truly decide the right timing. My "baby" was 2 months sly of turning 4 years old when I made my first retreat. So...there you go. 
Sometimes, when the children are little, it is more stressful to leave than to stay.
donnalynn wrote:
Instead of a whole retreat - how about an hour in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament? How about a couple of hours at the library?
My retreats are generally self made - dh usually takes the children away - whether for the day or an overnight or a whole weekend. |
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I really like the two ideas Donna gave. There are several "retreat at home" books out there but, my preference, is a book on a saint I admire or on his/her writings or a spiritual inspirational book.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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isjalu0826
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Can I say I'm jealous? God bless your husband for seeing the need and allowing you the time to take. That is wonderful and amazing....
I second the idea of leaning towards simplicity. Bring your bible, your rosary, and something to write in. Spend time in chapel and outdoors. Just be and talk to God. And SLEEP... Sleep is part of Retreat too 
I always bring a little set of paints and brush, in case I feel so inclined. Often I will just letter some words of a psalm or something. (Don't want to imply I spend time creating artistic masterpieces, ha ha!)
Enjoy.
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isjalu0826
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P.S. You mentioned feeling that it's pathetic to be at a breaking point... NO SIR. Mothering is one of the hardest jobs in the world. You know that. We all need time to calm ourselves. God is speaking thru your husband.
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SuzanneG
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I am able to go to an all-day retreat with the nuns at our S.O.L.T. parish on a Sat, and, then I'm going to spend the night and the next day at some friends of mine who are empty-nesters, and who have a BEAUTIFUL house with "guest quarters" in the mountains, about 30 minutes away. I've done this several times over the past 6 years or so....whenever it'll work in between nurslings....I took a 2-month-old once.
It's been about a year-and-a-half since the last time I went. Many times, my friends are not there....skiing or traveling the globe. But, sometimes they are there.....we catch up for 20 minutes and I may eat one meal with them, but then they basically just pretend I'm not there, and I just stay in my room, go hiking, take a bath, watch a movie, wander around the house staring at things .
The husband is a family-counselor-therapist, and actually CALLS ME sometimes to remind me that perhaps it's time for a retreat???? I think he worries about me.....and rightfully so....
I take a basket of books, rosary beads, my bible, journal. This is the first time I'm going during Lent.
My husband does great with the kids. They stay in the pj's all day and never sweep up the food on the floor....
I can't always say that I "want" to go. It's actually quite a lot of work and the aftermath ain't always pretty. Frankly, I'm the type of person who'd rather be "getting things done around the house...caught up, or occasionally getting ahead, and working on projects" But, it's better for my family if I get away occasionally and have some silence.
Anyone else have anything planned anytime soon?
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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StephanieA
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I have very dependent children also. While I have a super husband, he can't nurse our babies and I have been nursing for 21 years straight. YUP. You read that correctly
But I can sneak in Mass alone and Adoration time when the babies get to a certain age. I just have to make myself do it....in other words, prioritize it.
Just a thought....maybe you could do Mass alone for a week and stay a half-hour or so later to do some conversing with Jesus. The problem is when I am IN the home, I am on call....even while in the tub 
Blessings,
Stephanie
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Retreat ideas?
