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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Dec 20 2007 at 9:35am | IP Logged
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I wasn't sure where to post this but decided it was related to living in our domestic church and being Christ-minded. 
I'm afraid our checkbook looks pretty messy this time of year (I have confessed this to my dh  ) and I'm resolving to buckle down tight in Jan. and Feb.
I've spoken to two friends who are praying and worried over the various stresses their husbands are under. So I've committed this week to praying for all our husbands who...without their commitment to carrying their personal crosses...we would not have the privilege of being able to stay home and serve our families.
This past summer when my dh had to make a huge job change decision, I was talking to my aunt and, in the middle of our conversation, she shook her head and said, "What a huge decision to make knowing he is the lone provider of a large family. And three teenagers all at once! What a burden!"
I was left speechless and, in my lame way, gave her a half-smile and shut-up. I was proud of my husband that he had such a decision to make. She degraded that pride into a burden. Once again I was humbled.
But, my point is, our husband's are under a lot of pressure to provide for us and the world, at large, looks at it as a burden and they do not see how we are contributing in any way.
I've been reading up on St. Benedict a lot lately and recently ordered The Holy Way: Practices for a Simple LIfe by Paula Huston to try focusing on unnecessary spending. Not sure it's Catholic but the description struck a needed cord.
A new year is fixing to start.
What ways can we simplify our spending habits?
What ways can we show our dh's our appreciation?
What ways can we make our dh's trials less burdensome?
One thing I've tried doing is taking special notice of responding cheerfully to my dh's requests. Earlier this week dh asked if I could bake a Louisiana Rice Cake for him to bring to work sometimes this week. I said "Sure!" Only my pea-size brain forgot about it. He called yesterday and asked about it. I said, "I'll have it baked and ready for you tomorrow."...only to remember at midnight I had forgotten again. So I went into the dark pantry only to discover I had used the chocolate cake mix for the birthday party...
I apologized this morning and he was very kind and loving and told me not to worry about it...no big deal. But I told him I'd have it for him tomorrow. Only we have a huge afternoon, evening planned. It'll be another late night. I would be baking it now but I need the pudding cake mix to make it as moist as possible and I can't leave the house at the moment because I'm waiting for a child to get dropped off before leaving.
Such a small thing...and I can't seem to carry it out. 
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Maria B.
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Cay, my thoughts are on the same page. This time of year is very stressful for my husband. I have tried ways to lighten that burden by making homemade goodies and gifts for our family, friends and his staff at the office. This morning he left with 20 Christmas bags of cookies and treats for his staff.
Sometimes I think we unintentionally forget how great the financial stress can be for our husbands.
You have given me the incentive/reminder to offer this last week of Advent for my husband. Thank you!
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stacykay
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Thank you, Cay. The whole idea of how hard my dh works and how to help has been lurking in the back of my mind, but, just lurking.
My dh's busiest time of year begins in Jan. I think the best gift I can give him is to brainstorm AND IMPLEMENT ideas for lessening his load and making home joyful and serene when he comes in late at night.
Making special treats for him to take to work is a good idea. This is an area I have been sadly forgetting.
I am going to think about this and make a commitment, that I hope I don't flounder in!, to be better at helping him in his work for us.
Thank YOU!!!!!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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MarilynW
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What a wonderful thread Cay - thank you. My dh has been such a support through the last few months of being unwell - he works long and stressful hours but always comes home ready to play with the kids, take them out, run errands for me, help with the housework etc. I feel I have been a bit miserable and not a great support to him. I had been thinking of planning out his lunches and treats for January, having the house calm and clean and serene when he is home - and trying to focus more on him and his needs.
The cutting down on spending is such a good idea too - we are on a very tight budget and I need to get back to planning and budgeting and simplifying - the finance management is my department - but I know it is a big concern to my dh.
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hylabrook1
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Amen!
Peace,
Nancy
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nissag
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Boy, Cay... This is a subject right up my street. I feel so strongly that wise stewardship of our our treasure is the surest way to thank our husband's and God for all that we have been blessed with - and all his hard work.
Writing down each and everything we spend on makes us more conscious of what we're spending. That's why I included an old-fashioned ledger in the Home Management Book. Writing out lists of projects and upcoming expenses also helps so much. It also forces us to be conscious of how much we are *planning* to spend. We can let those lists sit for a while and look at them again to see if there is anything unnecessary. If there are needs, can we make or barter for those things?
This is a year-round activity, but is often especially important this time of year. We have got ourselves into the groove of planning very early for handmade gift supplies really early - like in June or July. We rarely buy gifts anymore. We do buy little things for the stockings, and things that we can't make like snowshoes or musical instruments.
And St. Benedict, as you might know, is my patron. In fact, I'm going to be giving talks on how to implement Benedictine Spirituality into family life in conjunction with Dignity of Women, a Vatican initiative to help women in their married vocations in a time of rampant consumerism.
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Waverley
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Thank you, thank you, thank you Cay!!
This time of year it is easy for me to think only about what I have to do to get all the Christmas things accomplished. What a wonderful reminder to me to stop and focus on what all dh is doing to get the Christmas things accomplished!!
Waverley
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stefoodie
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Thank you so much for this thread, Cay! The same things have been on my mind lately (funny how that works!).
Some concrete things on my list for the coming year to help dh with finances:
- plan out cooking and baking way ahead of time to eliminate last minute dashes to the store (saves time, stress, and money) -- I was able to put this into practice this Advent but I really need to do it year round to make a difference. This also helps me use up what I have (I've been saying this for the longest time but haven't really been practicing it).
- go back to paying attention to sales and discounts instead of buying-by-need. We thought buying-by-need would help curtail our spending but instead there was always an unplanned-for need that needed to bought immediately. Anticipation of future needs is so key.
- I think getting to a point midway between two extremes (not anticipating needs vs. hoarding) would be a good goal to shoot for.
- Also a definition of what NEED really is. In terms of homeschooling, I often think of everything as a NEED because it's been so drilled into me (us?) that the children's education is high on the priority list; but I'm looking at our shelves and our day-to-day routine, and the past few months when I've been selling a lot of stuff I realized how much we've accumulated that we don't really use/need. Already there are some things I've sold that had me almost in tears when I got rid of them, but truth be told we don't miss them. Which convinces me that I was wrong to purchase so much in the first place.
Re doing things for the dh: this Advent my resolution was to pack him a healthy lunch every day in his bento box. This means getting up early (5-ish) to make sure everything is ready. Food is one of the main ways I serve my dh -- he's got allergies plus we've got other health concerns like not wanting to use the microwave; he can't bring sandwiches to work because he's allergic to wheat. And I want him to have a hot lunch everyday. The bento box really helps me to focus on how healthy I'm feeding him -- it's got 4 compartments so I make sure he's got a yummy, colorful meal (green veggie, orange veggie, fruit, whole grains, protein, hot soup, etc.). and because it's insulated he doesn't have to heat it up. I hope to keep up the practice from now on (so far I've only failed to get up one morning this Advent season). Oh yeah, and I make sure his vitamins are well-supplied.
Loving the thread so far and looking forward to other ideas on how to take care of our dh's at Christmastime (and always)!
Oh, and just remembered -- I just found out something about dh last night -- he doesn't like partying at Christmas! This after 18 years of marriage and ALWAYS partying with family and/or friends. He actually wants us to be home, JUST US, on Christmas at midnight and Christmas day. I don't know if this is a change or if it's been there all along but this is the first year he's let me know. so I'm trying to get this submissive thing together and accept it, and find the blessing in it.
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8kids4me
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Thank you Cay! This has been on my mind a lot lately as well. My dh works two jobs, by day an engineer at the big yellow film factory. The major stress there is that....everyone is going digital and dh is still making film emulsion. Will he make to retirement in two years? The second job is bike builder at THE big box toy store. He has been coming home after 2 am from that job then going to the first job at 7:30. I have been trying to make sure he has supper in between jobs, brush off the car if it needs it, etc. I am so grateful for his hard work to support us. He feels bad about my shopping at Salvation Army, but I tell him we are happy to find such bargains! I know things will settle down a bit in January when no one is buying toys for their children, meanwhile I have been trying to find ways to be the helper I should be.
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Ruth
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Ditto, Cay!!!
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Ruth
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cvbmom
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Nissa,
Do you have any sample pages from your book? I am interested in hearing more about the Benedictine Spirituality and the family as well. Do you have any posts or writings about it? Thanks!
God bless,
Christine
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nissag
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I just posted a couple of sample pages on my blog.
I'm going to be recording the talks and making them available on CD. I think I'd like to break them up and podcast them as well. Perhaps a live call-in? Then y'all could ask questions.
Blessings,
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Nissa
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Cindy Mac
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With the new year, new house, new budget quickly arriving, I've been thinking about this very subject.
I actually had this discussion with Elizabeth last year about cheerfully supporting our husbands' needs. And I don't know if she will post it here or not, but she wrote about this very subject on her blog today.
Thanks for the reminder that I need to prayerfully remember my vocation to make my home and homelife peaceful and stress-free for my dh.
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DominaCaeli
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stefoodie wrote:
| He actually wants us to be home, JUST US, on Christmas at midnight and Christmas day. I don't know if this is a change or if it's been there all along but this is the first year he's let me know. so I'm trying to get this submissive thing together and accept it, and find the blessing in it. |
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Stef, this is me this year too! My husband has decided that we will be staying home this year for Christmas Eve and Day. I am ashamed to say I fought him on it for a bit but I am now determined to be cheerful. I know he is right on this--our families are not very religious, and by staying home we can begin to create some religious traditions for our children.
Speaking of traditions, that is how I am trying to serve my husband this Christmas--by pulling together the celebrations for our domestic church this season. We haven't been married all that long, and don't have many decorations yet, so I am making some as a surprise. I did something similar on Easter--after my husband went to bed on the Vigil, I decorated the altar and dining table with the Easter decorations I had made. I'm planning to do the same on Christmas Eve. Since the children aren't really old enough yet to "get" Christmas, it's nice to have someone to surprise!
It's also very important to him that we celebrate in a traditional way, so we're fasting this week according to the traditional rubrics. And although I'm itching to play our Christmas CD's, he would like to save them until Christmas Eve, so that is what we'll be doing. Honestly, these aren't things I would do if I were celebrating on my own. But my husband's preferences have shown themselves truly to be the will of God for me this Advent--I can feel the Lord at work in our home life.
I'm with you, though, Cay--it's the little things that so often trip me up. Sewing up a special garland for the altar? No problem. Sweeping the floors? Whoops! 
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Celeste
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Dec 21 2007 at 8:44am | IP Logged
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Seems as though all of us have a patent on this seasonal concern. I've often found it eerily surreal how often someone will post what exactly is on my mind at that very day in time. I guess our lives, while so different, are so very similar .
We'll have to remember next year that the week before Christmas calls us all to "active spouse-duty alert". 
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Dec 21 2007 at 10:11am | IP Logged
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CAy did you get that cake made Great thread 
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Cay Gibson
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chicken lady wrote:
| CAy did you get that cake made |
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No.
After six consecutive days of having to visit your friendly supermarket I was so blessed to not go to the store yesterday.
On the way home from the nursing home Christmas party last night we were exhausted.  I asked dh to zip into the store parking lot and I'd pick-up the needed ingredients. He told me not to worry about it...workers had been bringing food all week long and they had too much to eat anyway.
And, me (always wanting to please), promised him I'd make it next week for him to bring for New Year's. I'm figuring no one will bring food next week. Of course, they might not be hungry for anything either.  They'll probably all be on diets.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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~Rachel~
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Oh Cay... I can so sympathise... sometimes we really want to please our very hard working hubbies... and often they really just appreciate the thought and suggestions
Maybe you can do something a little different... like provide lunch one day... loads of sandwiches for everyone, a couple of bowls of chips and some salsa. Not a cake... but not something they feel they have to avoid otherwise!
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Servant2theKing
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Cay, you may be interested in another source of Benedictine wisdom for your husband..."Listen My Son, St. Benedict for Fathers", by Dwight Longenecker. Thank you for starting this thread. This time of year has always been difficult for my husband and I, due to anniversaries of past trials. Your thoughts in this realm have helped me refocus my heart, mind and soul on what I need to do, in the here and now, to encourage and uphold my beloved husband! Thank you for redeeming this season for us!
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missionfamily
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What a great thread...and how nice for women to honoring their hard working husbands together in our world where it is all too often male-bashing that gets all the attention. Since St. Benedict also made his presence so strongly felt here, I'm going to try to find a good prayer to him for our husbands that maybe we could all pray together for the until the New Year. I'll post it on the prayer board and let you all know. I have been asking prayers for my dh who finds himself in a stressfull situation right now too. I want to do whatever I can to bring joy and comfort to his life right now. Prayer is the best way that I know how.
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Colleen
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Husbands at Christmastime
