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Misty
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 10:37am | IP Logged
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I am feeling lost and alone right now in my marriage when it comes to our faith. I feel like God is left me to do this alone. Yet, I have cried out to him, "He is yours Lord there is nothing I can do for him, it's all up to you. I can not keep trying with him. I only need to work on me and the children. He is yours to have and I release all to you."
I have grown in leaps and bounds compared to my dh in the years (14) since we have married. He being not Catholic (Lutheran) came fully aware of my hearts desires.
After the economy went down so did his contentment and happiness.
He wants perfect children. To be seen and not heard. To just know what and when to do it. To behave at all times. I have failed to train my children to do this. And God has finally put it in my face. As of yesterday, that was the last time my dh will be attending church with me and our children. He is done, he will not sit in another service with our children. They wiggle, they ask questions (quietly but ask), and they have to go potty at least 2 times a month (on Sundays). My kids are 13yr - 20 months (and there is 7 kids in all). The 13 yr old is not and never the problem. The others all have there moments and the little ones are constant. I have always good plans to sit and work on sit time, blanket time, quiet voice, interrupting.. but life seems to take me from these things... this includes my dh calling from work to ask me to do something or needs to talk (self-employee) to relieve his tensions of the day.
So now he is done. On top of the kids our church is at least 2 if not 3 Sundays a month asking for a second collection. We are in no position to do this and it is constantly being pushed down our backs. My dh wants to just go to church, sit and listen, and leave feeling good. Not that he couldn't do enough.
All this to say please pray for me as I discern what and where to go. Do I seek a new parish (though I love this parish) while he is not with us and see if the grass would be greener else where? Do I just keep going to the parish I know and love (as do my kids)?
I will add he just stated that he is not going he can't tolerate the kids in church and will not be embarrassed again. I am free to do as I want and take the kids but he's done. So he is not asking me to not go there is no issues there.
Thanks for the prayers. Blessings Misty
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jawgee
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 10:48am | IP Logged
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Prayers, Misty. You and I have talked about this before. My heart is hurting for you.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
The Catholic Cup on Facebook
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joann10
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 10:51am | IP Logged
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I will be keeping you, your husband and children in my prayers....
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ladybugs
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 10:55am | IP Logged
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Dear Misty,
I am so sorry for the troubles you are experiencing. Although it is wonderful to take your kids to Mass, the experience is never not fraught with difficulty.
Regarding your husband wanting perfect children, it sounds like he is stressed out about other things and as a result of not being able to control those other things, he seeks to control the children. It does not sound as if your children are being terrible, it sounds as if they're being children. Sometimes, the times that we as parents are asked to serve, seem inconvenient, but how we respond to children - especially at Mass - is really important.
That being said, is there a really solid priest your husband could talk to about his expectation? Or an older gentleman from the Parish whom he respects?
Sometimes, just knowing you're not alone really helps. It seems to be a luxury for some today to be comforted this way.
I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds.
I shall keep you in my prayers.
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 11:09am | IP Logged
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Read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People"... I am not into self-help books but I am finding this secular book to apply greatly to the spiritual life in many ways. Its really, really good. Discouragement never comes from God... it is great for mismatched marriages too...
I used to belong to a parish that harped on money all the time too... it was a major turnoff. But if you are being fed and your children too, just try your best to overlook it. I once wrote a letter to my pastor about that. It didn't do much good except for me to realize that no priest LIKES asking for more money... Catholics are notoriously more stingy than our Protestant brethren and we live with the illusion that the Church just runs itself. We ARE the Church! And we need to buy into our community as much as we are able. That said, the issues I had at our last place were the manner in which we were guilted into donating and the seemingly frivolous things they wanted the money for. If there was another good parish option, I would have explored it... But there wasn't.
Anyway, you have my prayers today...
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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Misty
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 1:06pm | IP Logged
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Thanks everyone...
No my dh would never talk to anyone, our problems are ours you don't share with anyone. He dislikes when I speak about or to friends or the priest. To the point he has asked me point blank not to in certain areas.
ladybugs- you are so very on. I could have written that my self. He likes to control things and since the economy changed he has become a different person. he runs his own business and since things went down hill he has to sub-contract all his work out to stay doing what he likes. But guess what.. they are always messing things up, making it more difficult and paying him less but expecting more.
I spoke to our priest today about the money and he is happy I let him know. Also, I spoke of my dh not coming back (as this priest is a regular invite to our home 2 times a year), about the money, about other issues. He said to do as I have been and prayerfully discern if I need to change churches, or not. Other churches.. not many in my area as we live out in the country.
I will note that the money our church is asking for is not for silly things they are all well and good. If you had the extra to donate. But when things are tight even if you'd like to it's hard to hear it and say "no" again and again each week.
Thanks again. I appreciate your prayers.
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 1:24pm | IP Logged
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I will pray for you, too, Misty.
Many of my friends have been talking about this book
Thre Three Marks of Manhood
Would your husband read something like this? The reviews sound very good and everyone I know that has read it has loved it, both husbands and wives.
Does your parish offer childcare? That could be a temporary solution putting your younger children in for Mass while you work on behavior of your middles and then adding one child back at Mass at a time. Maybe if there was plan in place that you and your husband came up with together, he would be willing to give it another try.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Michaela
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 3:00pm | IP Logged
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In the past five month, my family has been through a challenging time as well. I understand a lot of what you're writing, Misty. I will pray for you. 
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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KackyK
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 3:07pm | IP Logged
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Can you split up during Mass? My older teen takes my four year off with her to sit somewhere else in the church where my 2yrold can't see them. This has helped a lot. Could your oldest take one to another part of church? If your dh would evr try it again, maybe he could go sit somewhere else too and have maybe the next two down from your oldest, then you'd be with those younger three. Our four yrold did much better removed from everyone else, we have eight kiddos. They even sat closer to the front. This allowed for them to see better and the 4 yrold liked it better.
My father was and is still like that, embarrassed by a lot. It's big pride and really there is nothing I think someone else can do to totally "fix" it, it is up to them.
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KackyK
Mom to 8 - 3 dd, 5ds & 4 babes in heaven
Beginning With the Assumption
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Kathryn
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
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Will pray for you and your family. KackyK's idea to switch up the children is a good idea. Which ones play off each other, irritate each other, encourage too much play time in church? Our church has a nursery and my kids have gone up until age 4-5. Betw. ages 4-5, they come to Mass sometimes. After that they sometimes go out during the children's liturgy. I know there are varying opinions on that but when you have 7 kids, I just don't see it as reasonable to do anything for an hour+ during Mass except "parent" the children and keep he quiet. It's really not fair to everyone else to have children getting up/down and moving about etc. My DH is like yours in that he gets very embarrassed when kids misbehave(sometimes for what I see as meaningless things) so we've done a combination of all these things (splitting up, nursery, children's liturgy). We also pack a bag with just a few things to keep little hands busy. Mind you NOT a lot but just 1-2 items and typically Mass related if possible.
I hope that helps on the getting DH to go back to Mass with you. I also agree that if the poor economy has affected his business, it's prob. affected his perception of control too and that does spill over into many areas of life. Getting him to go back to church with you, in my opinion, would be a top priority. So, if you can think of some of these options and present them to him, may be he'll try again.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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wifemommy
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Praying for you and dh St Monica is a great Saint for this. I spend a lot oftime reminding myself and dh this too shall pass. My older kids are great and remind me just by watching things will get better but oh my the 4 and 2 year old boys are such a trial   Annie
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Misty
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 6:43pm | IP Logged
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We in the past have discussed putting them in the nursery but our church is 40 min away and that means going to 930 mass. My dh likes and says if we go we go to 8 am (which is not a problem getting up and out so that is not the issue at all FYI). Then he still gets some down time at home in the afternoon evening.
We sit front and center at church. Splitting them up seems ok but if they don't respect the older ones it will not do much good and we have problems in this area as well. Splitting him up with a few kids would be even more humiliating to him. It's his way or no way for him.
My dh will not read a book. He says he doesn't need a book to tell him what or how to act. What or how to change. He is very prideful and thinks we are all very messed up and confused. Pride.. I never thought if it like that. Hmmm
I just want you to know your kind words have been a huge help for my day. Your suggestions will be there if he ever is willing to come back.
He even asked me via text before he came home... how are the kids behavior today. What can I say other than OK. We've talked about it today with the older ones. No more hiding.. hoping.. just laid out what was necessary about it to them. They need to understand IMO that he is not coming. We can work on things here and hopefully one day he will change his mind and try again.
Thanks everyone.. have to go for the night. I feel your presence with me today and appreciate it. Misty
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guitarnan
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| Posted: July 09 2012 at 9:03pm | IP Logged
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I am praying for you...and it seems that my prayers today for those 4Real intentions I didn't know about but that needed true divine intervention were for you! (I prayed today at the Shrine of the Canadian Martyrs...Sts. Isaac Jogues, Jean de Brebeuf, etc., and visited the gravesite of Sts. Jean de Brebeuf and Gabriel Lalemant. They have interceded for so many people in need of prayer - there's a pile of crutches, canes, etc. in the Shrine - and I feel confident they will intercede for you.)
It's difficult to cope with a tough economy when you are the breadwinner - I watched my own dad go through this during the aftermath of the Challenger disaster. His business was mainly in space instruments. It's not easy to know you're doing everything right and things still aren't working. I'm glad your husband has your loving support and your prayers during this tough time.
My prayers for you and your family continue...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mariB
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| Posted: July 10 2012 at 6:18am | IP Logged
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Praying for you and your family...
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marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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Booksnbabes
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| Posted: July 10 2012 at 8:22am | IP Logged
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Praying for you and your family.
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Wife to wonderful DH, mom to SIX beautiful gifts from God!
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Feeling lost and alone
