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Anonymous
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My younger sister is 21. She's mostly a good kid, she was homeschooled the whole way, she generally has a good head on her shoulders... Until she's dating guys. Then she puts blinders on to everything except him. She's been dating a young man now for a year, he's okay, but there are issues. Most of all, he's very antagonistic towards the Faith, and he's not even baptized. So they won't receive the grace of the Sacrament unless something miraculous happens. The other major problem is that he is addicted to p***ography. Since they began dating, my sister seems to dress more flashily, wear tighter clothes, and tops that are rather revealing. She's thin, so not a lot on top, but a lot of skin is a lot of skin. And for her fiance, well, that doesn't help his problem. SO yesterday I talked, or tried to talk to her about dressing modestly, because the last time I saw her she was wearing shorty shorts and a tight, revealing tank top. She's completely not open. She says that she doesn't think any of it was immodest and that she won't change the way she dresses. I'm worried for her and my pride is hurt, I suppose  , because I thought she would at least be open to me. I'm asking prayers for us both, and if anyone has suggestions, I could use some fresh thoughts.
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Grace&Chaos
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Praying for you and your sister  .
Several years back now, while I was in the workforce, I had a chance to hire my baby sister (she had just graduated H.S.) Well, I had a similar talk with her, but I tried to make it more relevant to work environments. When I left because I was pregnant with my second, my boss (also a female) was kind enough to let her stay on. We were close so I asked if she could also please gently remind her of proper attire. She did and I think my sister got the point. She knows how I feel about modesty around us, she knows I'm modest, and she always makes an attempt to do so around us. She is young and still lives at home so I know that on non working time my mom does constantly complain that she doesn't think something is appropriate but I think it's just a sign of the times and her age (overall, she understands).
Maybe you can casually have someone else say something to her in a different setting. Or would she be open to say a gift from you like Beautiful Girlhood or something similar which talks about modesty.
Just some thoughts.
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Pilgrim
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I will be praying! This relationship sounds very much like what I got sucked into at a young age, looking for someone to love me and be special to, a young, smart, yet naive and innocent young girl, and I am scared for your sister. A guy like this can do much harm to a girl's heart and soul, for years. P**nography is sooooo terrible, it very much affects a person's soul and views on many areas of life, and with a guy how he views and treats a girl, very very much. Young, innocent, and looking for a relationship girls are blind and have no idea how their heart will be broken by this. P**n will affect how a girl dresses for her boyfriend, trying to keep his eyes on her. A guy hooked on this stuff is always looking around at other girls for the next "high" and a girl who is dating him is hurt by it, and tries to find out how to keep his eyes on her, and as she thinks, his heart on her, as that is what she wants, being a girl, is his heart. A girl when she's little comes out in a pretty dress and twirls in front of her Daddy, wanting to hear how pretty she is and that she is his princess, a girl grows up into a woman and she still "twirls" in a sense trying to dress in something pretty that will get a "Wow, you look great!" from her guy/husband. With a guy hooked on p**n though, you are always compared to hundreds of others he has stored in his memory, burned there, as God created this to happen. God created a guy for the image of his wife to burn in his mind, to create faithfulness, and a woman burns bonding moments of love with husband and children(through childbirth and nursing), to create faithfulness. These binds are created through the hormone oxytocin, which is released when a guy looks at a pretty woman and in the marital act for both, imprinting that person literally. So many ladies do not have any clue of this, and think that a guy's looking is okay or harmless, they do not realize that all those women are being burned in his mind. If you want to show this to your sister, please do. My heart breaks at the thought of any young lady, any woman having to go through what I did, and learn through heart break how awful it is to compete with every woman out there. Furthermore, P**nography addiction, or even occassional looking at it, if her loving heart defends him against the word addiction, (said with care not negativity), mixed with having no faith is a recipe for an awful marriage, and often violence goes along with the p**n and no Faith, too. Even in the best of marriages with Sacramental grace, things get hard, you hit bumps and having growing pains, but in a marriage like they would have, she is set up for deep heartache. I was that sweet young girl, smart, strong in my Faith, standing up for my Faith at work, never swearing, dressing normal/modest. I slowly was worn down by the world I was working in at a Fast Food restaraunt, a guy came along and flattered me, I got pulled in, and the heartache I went through will never fully leave me. Thank God, I got out, I did not marry him, yet the impact remains, 11 years later. I ended up pregnant, and that woke me up, the mother in me knew I did not want that life for a precious child. Funny how we will accept all manner of ill happening to ourselves, but when we become a parent, we become defensive, we grow up.
 I am ashamed of that past, I did return to the Faith fully that same year, and am stronger then ever, I do not like to share all this, I do not want others to think badly of me here, but if it would help bring a precious young lady back from the brink of such a relationship, I willingly tell it. I am praying fervently for your dear sister. PM me if you like.
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MaryM
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Offering prayers.
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Mary M. in Denver
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DominaCaeli
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Praying here too.
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Celeste
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stellamaris
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What a difficult and sorrowful situation for you and your family! I will be praying for your sister. I do not believe there is very much you can say at this point that you have not already said; her choices and their sad consequences will be her school of repentance. I doubt she will listen to correction from you. Thanks be to God that she had the background of Faith in her youth...that will always be there and, if she responds to the grace of her Baptism, will guide her to repentance and conversion.
Remember that the Holy Spirit is the One who convicts souls and draws them to repentance. Be faithful and constant in prayer for your sister. You might want to begin the Novena to the Holy Spirit in conjunction with Pentecost for her. You may have to pray for many years; perhaps that is why God granted her a sister like you.
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Caroline
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Pilgrim
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I know this is long, but I decided to post it in case it would be useful to anyone counseling young people in the choices and relationships they are considering.
Does she want to go through this the rest of her life, always trying to bring his eyes and mind and heart back to her, always competing with every other woman out there for his eyes and mind and heart? Does she want to raise children with someone who does not love God, and does not believe what she does down in her true heart(the truths she was taught and knew and loved as a young child and young lady), that may be swept aside sometimes, to not offend him. A girl in love, will wipe away many things, to please and try to be what the guy she is flattered by wants, is not offended by, but when she has her first child, everything begins to change. The mother who loves her child and wants to raise them good, loving God, and in a home without hurting relationships, wakes up to a hurting reality when she has chosen to be with, and even marry a guy who doesn’t love God, looks at p**n and every other woman around, and doesn’t care for raising children wholesomely, loving God, etc. Besides that, she will be the one who teaches good and right to the kids, while a guy, whose heart is not bonded through motherhood can without any regrets or care leave that to her, and selfishly go about his life, doing what he wants, and being a bad example to their precious children who she now loves and wants to raise with love and holiness. He won’t care, and she will be left to try to hold the family together, trying to teach the children right from wrong, while the Daddy they naturally love draws them away from all that, the children become confused and don’t know which path to choose, it is a lifetime of heartache, difficult, major(unnecessary) stress. And as she bears those children the struggle to keep his attentions, his eyes, will grow even harder, a guy who is involved with p**n puts unfair and hurtful expectations on a wife to look good, and as she grows from pregnancy and struggles to loose those baby pounds her heart will break with the unfair expectation to instantly be back to what her body was before. This is a life that she CAN prevent, now, before taking that step, before crossing that line of getting married, and bringing children into the picture.
She may feel or say there are no good guys out there, because every guy she knows acts like this, but this is NOT true. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband now who does not look around at other women, he is a normal guy who is tempted, but he loves me and God deeply, and fights every temptation faithfully. He loves me and our children, cares about their souls, and my heart, helps in the household, sacrifices many things, disciplines the children with care and concern, teaches them what is right, and gives them the best security loving me, honoring me, expecting respect from them, etc. There are good guys out there, maybe not in her work, church, etc., but there is a good and holy guy out there, if she will trust God and wait. Like my dh husband says, being lonely and single, is ALWAYS better than being in a miserable marriage. He knows, he suffered that himself. There were no guys in my area for me, dh and I met on Ave Maria Singles online. We lived almost 500 miles from each other, it wasn’t the easiest having a long distance dating, but it was far easier than the heartache we had both experienced 5 years before.
Don’t give up. Yes, she is alienating herself from you all, that is one of the danger signs of a bad relationship. When looking for dh, when life had turned around for me, one of the things I read, and it rang so true when I found him was, a good test of a relationship is whether it enriches you and draws you closer to God? She wants people to tell her they are happy, and just be silent about what they believe/feel about this guy, because she has convinced herself to stay in this relationship, and it upsets him if she brings up anything that is convicting of any wrong in his life, anything contrary to how he selfishly wants to live devoid of Godliness or any care for things outside his self-serving agenda. Guys nowadays like to live how they want, they don’t want to live for things honorable and holy.
I beg young ladies to think and see that dressing modestly, not frumpy, but not revealing the beauty that is for her future husbands eyes alone to enjoy, will attract the kind of guy that desires a good wife, a guy ready to be faithful. If a guy wants a girl to dress like your sister is his mind is not geared right, geared for faithfulness.
And to your sister, this all does not mean this man does not have good qualities, I’m sure he does have good things that have drawn her to him, most people do have SOME endearing qualities, however there is much there that WILL surely cause heartache in the years to come if she marries this man. Those are the difficult things she should examine in these days as she is considering a marriage to him, to stop and think years down the road, does she still want to be living the life she is now, watching the same TV shows and movies they watch now, having the children’s Daddy say the things he does now, having to deal with someone who either doesn’t care about Faith or even speaks against what she is trying to teach them. A young person overlooks these things and thinks they won’t be that bad to deal with, but try it day in and day out in the midst of ALL the other stresses of bearing, nursing, diapering, teaching and raising children, AND trying to be a good wife, and loose the baby fat, and feel you have to keep up with young perfect bodies around you, and keep a house clean, and worry about cars breaking down, stoves, dryers, etc, breaking, and the list of stresses in a normal and good marriage goes on. Even in that kind of a life of unity, trying to live for heaven, the stresses are enough, but in a life yoked to someone who does not live for those things life can be a great suffering and your heart and soul break with those sorrows and burdens. I hope maybe you can objectively let her read these things, and that maybe the sorrows and trials I experienced will somehow touch her. That is what really touched my heart. A dear lady I only knew a little at our new church at the time I was expecting my firstborn, and didn’t know what to do, as so many in the world were telling me to stay with him, a child needs their Daddy etc., told me of how her life was, and counseled me to really think, and that she wanted to help me not end up “stuck” in a marriage staying because divorce is not right, yet living a miserable life with someone so unequally yoked. I thank God for that day, and her caring insight., it helped me to have the strength to leave it all behind, and my life has changed so much over these years! Deo Gratias. God is good.
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Pilgrim
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And I absolutely second the Holy Spirit novena I cannot tell you how many times our familes have prayed this and seen such wondeful results. The first time my family prayed this was for me when I was in this situation and it worked miracles in my life!  and
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Pilgrim
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Sorry I don't mean to write too much, but one last thought for those young people who may have given too much of themselves away, and they think that no good or holy person would want them, so they stay in a bad relationship. It simply is not true. The real you inside, the person who desires goodness and holiness will return, if you return to God, you CAN be that person again. God forgives, and a future spouse will also, if you truly desire and live holiness. There are good guys/girls out there who will see you for who you are and love you for that. You can have a good life, a good marriage still with someone holy who lives for heaven! From one who's thought that (that no one good would want me for a spouse) and learned the Truth. God blessed me with a good and holy husband who loves me and lives for more than this world!
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JodieLyn
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Pilgram, thank you for sharing. I'm sure it will help someone. Sooner or later.
One thing to also consider.. sometimes the girl that wants to *help* this guy or *save* him.. will have a hard time realizing that she simply can't. That you can not change other people. And she may get defensive because if you tell her anything else she will feel like you're telling her that SHE can't do it, that SHE isn't good enough.. it's a matter of pride. And she might even think she's changing to keep him near so that she can change him.. when all that is happening is she is changing.
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Servant2theKing
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We are entrusting your dear sister and all your concerns for her to the Holy Spirit as we unite our prayers with all those praying the HS Novena in preparation for Pentecost. Our original copy is tattered and torn from the countless times we've prayed it, especially for our beloved daughter, Pilgrim. Our family has witnessed firsthand the truly miraculous transformation the Holy Spirit can bring about, especially when we humble ourselves before the Lord and turn all things over to Him in prayer. Do not be discouraged if your sister does not find her way right away ~ your prayers offered on her behalf will never be in vain ~ pray, hope and trust that oneday she will find her way back to all that is pure and good and holy! Don't give up on her ~ keep praying ~ especially when she cannot yet hear your words of concern. Those are the times we most need to let go and wait for the Lord speak to the hearts of our loved ones! Very often, God speaks through those who are not as close to the situation. Praying that He will send holy instruments your sister's way to help her rediscover His holy plan and purpose for her life. Praying also for the young man, who sounds even more lost and in need of prayer than your sister. Lastly, praying for your own peace of heart, mind and soul as you offer this situation in prayer before Almighty God.
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Aagot
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There was a speaker on Catholic Answers Live that talked about his own addiction to p**n and his ministry to help men out of it. If you go to catholic.com and search "Breaking free of p**n*graphy"' you will find his info. Maybe your sis would be willing to listen to his interview on podcast. It will open her eyes to what she is getting into, hopefully. Also, Matthew's web site would probably have numerous articles and advice.
Prayers for all concerned.
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Anonymous
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stellamaris wrote:
| I do not believe there is very much you can say at this point that you have not already said; her choices and their sad consequences will be her school of repentance. I doubt she will listen to correction from you. |
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I agree after our conversation last night. She's very certain that she has done nothing that needs correcting. It's hard, though, to sit back now and watch those choices make her unhappy, not just now, but possibly for the rest of her life.
To those who suggested the HS Novena, thank you! I looked it up, and began it today. I'm sure it's no coincidence that today is the first day after the feast of the Ascension, which I read is the day to begin the Novena.
Aagot, thank you. I found the talk, downloaded it, and I will give it to her.
God bless you ladies for your prayers and advice!
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mariB
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Praying...
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JaysFamily
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I'm sorry your sister is going through this. I can say from personal experience, that it can be overcome!
I had to have my heart broken before I learned my lesson about guys like that. My family did not like him and hinted as much. The problem is that none of my friends liked him, but none of them ever sat me down and told me so. I would listen to my friends, but not my family. 
When I came back into the Church, God clearly had a hand in everything, but he used my friends to plant the seeds. Most of these friends weren't even religious. The final seed was when a close friend won free tickets to The Passion. We went because, well, free wasn't a word that we ever turned down! That movie, and a wonderful priest that gave me an hour of his time every week brought me back into the Church. I admit that I wore a halter top with cleavage to my Confirmation at the Easter Vigil Mass.  Becoming more aware of how I dressed in public was something that came later on in my spiritual journey.
I suppose my advice is to let the modesty issue go for now. In the grand scheme of things, wearing a tank top and shorts in the summer isn't as big of a deal as not attending Mass, and committing your life to someone who is pulling you away from God. Just focus on loving her, setting a good example, invite her to Mass with you no matter how she's dressed, and encouraging her to keep those other contacts with the Church such as any old friends that are still faithful to all the Church teachings.
Pray for her. I know the prayers of St. Mary Euphrasia Pelletier were instrumental to my return to the Church after being pulled astray by a guy. I highly recommend asking for her intercession! Try to be very selective about the things that you "lecture" her on. Maybe focus more on her staying the in Church, and focus on her instead of being critical of him. Also remember that it will be the Holy Spirit that will guide her back more so than you. Just let Him use you as He sees fit, and don't take on the whole job of bringing her back to the Church yourself.
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Jaysfamily
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Nique
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Dear Pilgrim, thank you for your humbleness, your honesty and your heartfelt dedication in helping Anon's sister. It took alot of courage to share what you did. You are such a beautiful person. Know that you are loved here. What a wonderful husband you have. How very blessed he is too.
Jaysfamily, how good of you to share what you have learned, through your own experience. Thank you for having such a loving heart
Dear Anonymous, I am going to pray the Holy Spirit Novena for your sister
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Ruth
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Many prayers for your sister.
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Ruth
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Carole N.
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Pilgrim, thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes courage and you are certainly showing compassion by sharing. And thank you also to Jaysfamily for sharing your experience as well.
I pray for your sister and for all the youth who are affected by the secular society we live in. It has become increasingly harder as parents to fight the battle without being ridiculed or accused of being old fashioned.
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stefoodie
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Praying here and thanks for everyone who shared their thoughts. Our young people need so many prayers!
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Younger sister's modesty, engagement
