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LisaR
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 2:31pm | IP Logged
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I feel so weak and selfish asking for prayers but I am at the end of my rope.
We are really struggling financially (nothing new) but it has worn me out after 14 years. The clincher was meeting with the orthodontist about ds Thomas, age 6 1/2 about a profound underbite. His two adult teeth are only halfway in so far and already one is chipped and the other cracked due to his bite. We are looking at 6,800 and no insurance. I have spent hours on the phone with State of Illinois (we do qualify for State aid) to find out that Il. is the worst state for dental coverage. He would have to have a cleft palate or hole in the palate or jaw to get help.
My parents moved in behind us last year- while I was coming off of bedrest. My mom esp. is very needy and is calling me 6-11 times a day. Our school is really suffering. I feel obligated to always "be there" for her- hoping selfishly that maybe she will offer to help us financially. She told me the other day that they do not believe that helping us would be good because it would "take away the suffering God wants for us."
The are in the process of building a very expensive home and she needs me everyday to help with choosing custon Amish crafted floors, $6,000 imported ranges and so on.
It is so hard!
we have 4 family weddings going on within 9 months of eachother. Both dh's side and my side are angry with us becuase we cannot afford to do everything they want us to. They are angry that we will not be attending the oceanside Hawaii wedding between two Catholics already married to others. I know this is contributing to our mental and financial stress!
I just want to take our immediate family and run away for awhile- but we can't afford it- LOL!! 
I feel horribly for feeling this anger towards my parents, it has been building since I was an 11 y/o and had to start paying my own school tuition and working on a farm double shifts. They were very wealthy but wanted to teach me the value of work, I guess. I feel like I had to grow up way to fast and have always been so responsible. On a good day I can feel proud that dh and I have never had debt besides student loan, and we have done everything with absolutely no help from our families.
I have spoken with counselors and priests about this over the years. Half suggest getting it all out on the table so to speak and the other half say let it go.
My mom will get the kids excited about a trip or outing, sending brochures home for them to look at. I have told her that we cannot afford these trips but would gladly go if they wanted to pay. and then she will say something to the kids like- "well sorry for getting your hopes up - your mom doesn't want to go!"
I hope this does not sound whiney. I am really just begging for your prayers for this family dynamic and that I will be able to let go of my anger.
any advise or suggestions would be welcome. I DO love my parents!
thank you all so much love,
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Rebecca
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 2:54pm | IP Logged
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Oh Lisa, I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. (Wish I could give you a big hug!)
While no one can control what your parents do with their money, it sounds unfair for her to introduce trip/vacation ideas to the kids when you have made it clear that they are not in your budget right now.
Is it possible to set some boundaries such as telling her that you will call her at a certain time each day when you are able to talk with her about her home choices? The interruptions must be difficult to deal with if they are constant. Maybe if your mom knows that you can talk at a certain time EACH day for say, 1/2 hour, she will get out of the habit of calling for the slightest thing.
I know that I have taught myself not to answer the phone if I do not have time to talk. Usualy I shut the ringer off until I am free, that way it is not reminding me that someone is calling over and over again.
I will be praying for your family's finances, for patience with your mom and peace for you.
God Bless,
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saintanneshs
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Oh, Lisa, I will pray for you and your family! What a difficult time this is for you! I'll pray for your guidance and for shared wisdom from those who've been through this kind of thing before. If you do decide to lay it all out there, be prepared for shock and temporary rejection from your parents. They might not understand why you feel the way you do and may even refuse to accept it, but that doesn't mean you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Just remember, you aren't alone and if God and your dh are behind you, you'll have everything you need. Plus, you can always come here for support and prayers...hang in there!! 
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Kristine
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JSchaaf
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Oh, Lisa.
I wish I had good words of advice for you. Your family is in our prayers.
Jennifer
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amyable
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(((((hugs)))) Lisa! I am so sorry for the stress right now. I will offer my family stress up for yours, and you will all be in our prayers!!
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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LisaR
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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I think I am also feeling so burned out because I am now working 4-6 nights a week. I really do not know how long I can keep it up. We are so grateful for the extra income- but at the same time we do not want to become dependant on me working. I just can't be present to everyone's needs right now. Most likely burnout is helping to bring anger and old resentments to the surface- but if I try to be rational and take a step back from the situation- I still honestly am scratching my head at their logic and lifestyle choices... I suppose my kids might feel this way about me- I hope not though!
When I try to set boundaries with the phone (I have no problems doing this with any other call- btw) I just end up with 4 or more lengthy messages on the machine- or she shows up at my door- 
I also wanted to let everyone know that although I do not post often - I remember all of your prayer requests in my prayers.
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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jackiemomof7
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
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Lisa,
Do you have a dental school close by? I have a friend who had dd who really needed their teeth worked on because of this type of problem and she was a single mom who did not have dental insurance but a dental school about 45 minutes away was her answer for well below 1/2 the cost.
And I totally understand about your mom calling everyday. My mom has done this for 3 years. Long story but know you will be in my prayers, it is so hard not to answer the call and so hard to answer  .
Peace of Christ,
__________________
Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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LisaR
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 3:48pm | IP Logged
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we do have dental insurance, just not orthodontic coverage. Thomas really needs a skilled orthodontist. we also do qualify for the IL State dental clinic if we can't pay the co- pays at our family dentist. IL State did a search for me and could not come up with a single ortho that would even accept IL State aid within a 150 mi radius anyway. But believe me- I would drive 3 hrs if we could get his jaw taken care of!
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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stefoodie
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oh lisa, i feel for you. we went through a bunch of parent problems (my MIL) that just got resolved last year. your mom really needs to back off esp. with these vacations. i know that's hard given that you love her and all, but she really needs to know what her boundaries are.
my hubby had to do this with his mom, but we -- as a couple and as a family -- are now so much healthier mentally and emotionally because of this. when parent interference goes unchecked it could also affect your marriage adversely; this was what was happening to us 4 years ago, and we let it go on for 3 years!!!
good thing our marriage has survived intact and stronger than ever.
sending you hugs and prayers,
stef
ps PM or e-mail me if you need to.
pps the dental school suggestion is a great one. i used to work at one while in college, and the professors/dentists that supervised the students were first-rate, esp. the orthodontic cases, which sometimes the 3 orthodontists on staff ended up working with on a close basis. but a lot of happy kids emerged from the treatment -- i bet their parents too, since they only had a minimal co-pay!
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stef
mom to five
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Diane
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Oh Lisa, you are carrying so much on your shoulders right now---please know that you will be in my prayers. I will pray that you are able to turn your cares over to the Lord and that He will guide you on your path and carry your burdens for you.
You are not weak and selfish to ask us for prayers but very wise in your humility, for we are part of a family and here to lift each other up.
__________________
Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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esperanza
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Lisa,
Sorry to hear about your family troubles..sometimes it is so difficult to be the heart of our families.
"Look around us and get distressed; look within and get depressed; look to Jesus and be at rest"
...simple, but a comfort when I remember just to seek the kingdom.
I can relate...it sounds like you and your dh are united..what a big plus in such a trial.
God Bless you and yours
Praying and offering some recent trials for you
__________________
In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 5:22pm | IP Logged
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Lisa,
More prayers from me. I agree with everyone who's suggested you stick to your guns and only answer the phone when you have said you'll be available.
I'm another one who had to finally learn to set limits with my family members. It was the hardest thing I ever did (fortunately we found good, Catholic counseling and that really helped). But...once you do it and stick to it, you can see results very quickly. If you don't answer the phone (pull the plug out of the wall if you have to!), they'll eventually get the idea. Also, if you leave (physically) all discussions of unaffordable events, they will get the message. It will be hard, I know, but you will feel so much more in control of your family's destiny.
You're not whining or weak. You're being attacked from the outside and it is more than OK to look for help from your Catholic homeschooling sisters. You're putting God and family first (before material things or selfishness) and that's more than many people have the nerve and determination to do. I think you're very strong, personally.
Please know I'll be praying for you!
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Jen L.
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The suggestions above about boundaries make me think of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. You should be able to get it at the library.
I am praying for you, your family, and your parents.
__________________
Jen
dh Klete,ds (8/95),dd (12/97), dd (11/00), and ^2^ in heaven
"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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LisaR
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 9:28pm | IP Logged
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ah yes the Boundaries Books! I know them well! I have suggested them to many others and have gleaned quite a bit from them. My mom is actually the one who originally introduced me to them. A counselor said she thought mom threw the baby out with the bathwater in her efforts to not be a "helicopter" parent!! 
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 5:32am | IP Logged
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Lisa,
You're in my prayers!
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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momwise
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Lisa,
We have used the dental school in CO with excellent results. I will pray daily for many graces for you but also for some relief from your suffering.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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kristina
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Dear Lisa,
Sounds like you are very charitable to your mother.
You have my prayers for your intentions.
Blessings,
__________________
kristina
yesterthoughts
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LisaR
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 9:36pm | IP Logged
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thank you everyone for your kind words and most importantly your prayers.
1. To clarify, our Dental clinic here does NOT have orthodonic care. ds Thomas needs ortho care. Even if the clinic did have care- it appears as if the State of Illinois is at the bottom of the states for what they would cover. Thomas would have to have a hole in jaw or cleft palate. So, dental clinic is out.
Dh might call all the orthos in the area and see if they would take us on at 70% of the charge and we could pay about 100.00 a month. That is all we can come up with.
2. Are parents of Adult children obligated in any way to help their grown children IF they are financially able? It seems most people I know have received help from their parents- in the form of college help, down payment on a home, a used car, paying for school for the grandkids, buying clothes for grandkids and so on.
I do not see this as "enabling" in a co-dependant way- but apparently my mom does.
I'd love to find a quote or something that would refute her arguement that she "does not want to take away the suffering God Wills for us" by financially helping us in any way. this is what burns me and my pride wants to prove her wrong somehow
dh left for a 4 day retreat- yeah! his first ever in over 24 hrs as he normally works weekends. We are prayerfully considering a talk with my parents when he returns . God Bless all of you. There are so many huge and much greater sufferings in this 4reallearning forum, and I am praying! love,
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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kristina
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LisaR wrote:
2. Are parents of Adult children obligated in any way to help their grown children IF they are financially able? It seems most people I know have received help from their parents- in the form of college help, down payment on a home, a used car, paying for school for the grandkids, buying clothes for grandkids and so on.
I do not see this as "enabling" in a co-dependant way- but apparently my mom does.
I'd love to find a quote or something that would refute her arguement that she "does not want to take away the suffering God Wills for us" by financially helping us in any way. this is what burns me and my pride wants to prove her wrong somehow
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Taken from the New American Bible
1 Timothy 5:8
And whoever does not provide for relatives and especially family members has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Praying for you, Lisa!
Blessings,
__________________
kristina
yesterthoughts
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kristina
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LisaR wrote:
.
My parents moved in behind us last year- while I was coming off of bedrest. My mom esp. is very needy and is calling me 6-11 times a day. Our school is really suffering. "
The are in the process of building a very expensive home and she needs me everyday to help with choosing custon Amish crafted floors, $6,000 imported ranges and so on.
It is so hard! |
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Dear Lisa,
You have been on my heart all day. My last post was serious, but I have a silly comment on your quote:
Tell your mom that you have recently begun to charge for Design Consulting and your fee is $6800 so you can pay for your son's orthodontics. Then add a fee for the private tutoring your children will need since she is demanding your consulting skills during your teaching time. Since you now have a career in Home Design, you can lose your night job, right...
In all seriousness, though, I pray that this all gets sorted out soon for you!
God's Peace to you and yours,
__________________
kristina
yesterthoughts
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: family trials
