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anniemm
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Hi Ladies. I hate to come here and ask for prayers for myself, but as I have found myself in a state of hysterical tears all day long, some prayers for me would in fact benefit my whole family.
I found out yesterday that I am expecting baby #4. I had a miscarriage about 5 weeks ago, so this totally took me by surprise - I didn't know it could happen so soon. I also have 3 other children who are 4 and under. I'm 25 years old and have been married for 5 years.
I really hesitate coming here, because I am not nearly as holy as many of you and I cling to much selfishness that, if I think rationally, is exactly what is causing my own heartache.
My issue is that I just feel like I need a break. I need someone to tell me that things are going to get better, and mean it, as far as having only small children. Much to my discontent, everytime I reacted like I have this time, with a lot of anxiety.
I shouldn't complain because I have relatively easy pregnancies. But I gain so much weight and I feel so gross. I know that I struggle with vanity, but when it comes down to it I can't help but feel so disgusting. At the end I ALWAYS get comments about how insanely huge I am and that is so painful for me.
Our entire marriage, I have been pregnant or nursing. I just feel so overwhelmed. My 4 year old will be Kindergarten age in the Fall when this baby is due, and we hoped to homeschool...but I just don't think I can do it.
I am so encouraged by all of you and the real life struggles that you endure with such grace and faithfulness. I hope I can be like that...but right now, I just really need prayers that I can make the first small step in that direction. Am I going to have babies every 1 1/2 - 2 years for the next 23 years??? That thought is so hard! In my heart, I want to be open to life, my actions are open to life, but am I really??
I don't know...thank you for the encouragement. It's been really hard the last 24 hours to trust in God's will.
__________________
Andrea
__________
Wife to Charlie (03)
Mama to four little girls (04), (05), (07), (09),& my 1st little guy 11/11
www.hiswillmypeace.com
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hylabrook1
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No answers, Andrea, but praying to our Blessed Mother for your needs.
Peace,
Nancy
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ladybugs
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Hugs, Andrea...
I understand your concerns and stresses very well although, I married later than you. But...I ended up with 4 children 3 and under when my 4th was born.
After my 4th child, whom we almost lost, I developed a raging case of PPD - raging. And then, we began an almost 10 year cycle of job and $ instability. We have always been open, but I have been scared, terrified, anxious at the thought of another baby - very often.
Now, I am almost 41 and I look back and realize that I have most likely had several miscarriages.
What I am trying to say is, live for today as you only have today. Your fertility is strong now, but it may not always be so - try not to borrow trouble.
Deep breath and just take the next step!
I will keep you in my prayers. You have been given a great gift though it doesn't feel like it. But remember, feelings are fleeting! (Not that they don't matter), but you know what I mean.
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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LeeAnn
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Andrea, you are definitely in the toughest stage of motherhood, as far as physical demands go, I think. Having all your children under 7 or so is really tough and I remember feeling the same way a few years ago. I only have four and they are more like 2-4 years apart, but it does get better. When your oldest is more self-reliant and helpful to you, it will make a huge difference.
Regarding homeschooling, maybe it is what you are called to and maybe not, but I wouldn't put yourself under so much pressure to hs if it is making you anxious. My current kindergartener only rarely spends more than 30 or 45 minutes a day doing school work. I think we put a lot of high expectations on our first homeschooling experience! I started out trying the Well-Trained Mind curriculum with my oldest--very time intensive--that lasted only a month or two!
As for having a dozen children or more at your current rate :) we just never know what the future holds. Your current pregnancy could be your last. God giveth, and God taketh away, right? Mainly I think we need to hold on to the idea that God gives us the grace sufficient for our current situation, but only when we get there, not before. I don't have the patience to deal with eight children, personally, but were I to suddenly become the mother of surprise quadruplets bringing my number of children to 8, I have faith that God will equip me for the task.
Also, if more children right away is really a hardship, look into NFP or if you've already studied NFP, review the more conservative rules for abstinence. There are a host of other practical things you should ask yourself as well--what is it right now that makes parenting difficult? What can others help you with? How can your husband help? (Is he aware of your unhappiness?) How can you simplify things like cooking, cleaning or other tasks to give you less stress? And so on.
Mainly, don't live in fear of what MIGHT be. Try and focus on the now. Plan prudently but don't live fearfully.
It seems like you know your own weaknesses pretty well. Keep praying for help in dealing with your negative view of your pregnant self (talk with your husband about this too, how he can help build you up with compliments), your fearfulness and your other worries.
I'm sure there are other moms with many more children on this board much more qualified to encourage you, and hopefully they will. 
__________________
my four children are 17, 15, 11 & 8 - all now attend public school - we read many 4Real recommended books at home
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Helen
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I'll pray for you Andrea!
Don't worry about the homeschooling part yet. There's plenty of time for that.
I didn't have a lot of young children at the beginning of my marriage but my adopted children came (seemingly) all at once. The breviary prayers helped me very much. I just prayed one day at a time.
On busy days now, I use
Pray Station Portable
May the Lord reward you!
__________________
Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Angie Mc
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I am praying for you, Andrea, and all of your babies and their dad. Your "yes" will bring great blessings. Praying you also find peace in the midst of your very full walk with our Lord. May Mary comfort you always.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
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nissag
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Andrea,
I haven't had the same experience that you have had. My babes are fairly spaced out - every two years mostly - with two large gaps. I've had to struggle with chronic illness into the bargain, so I think I get a feel for juggling. I'll have 3 under 3 when this babe arrives, but I have two teens and a preteen who can help.
Being open to life is a journey in itself. Holiness is a process... You're well on your way.
Do you have family nearby? A mom's group? A homeschool co-op? You'll find so much support there. Better still if you can find Catholic groups because they often organize First Friday Mass get-togethers, prayer meetings, faith study, park days, etc. It helps SO much to have other moms IRL to lean on. Many times they have teen daughters or sons (brought up in the faith) that can come and help during the day, or baby sit while you and your husband and nursling take a break.
Ask your deacon (of you have one), Church secretary or DRE for referrals. They should be able to point you in a direction if you are unsure. Also check out Michelle G's website for a homeschool group near you.
Congratulations on your wee one. I think many of us have experienced that feeling of overwhelm at one time or another concerning the arrival of a new child. Just know that God knows what He's doing and that Mary will show you how to surrender to His will.
Many prayers ascending for you!
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
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Ruth
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I'm praying for you!!!
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Ruth
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doris
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Praying for you, Andrea. Go easy on yourself.
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Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
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aussieannie
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Andrea, you have been give such lovely advice and support, I will be praying for you that this anguish will pass and be replaced with peace and strength.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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mary theresa
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I'm praying for you Andrea!
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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Booksnbabes
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Praying for you, and understanding your feelings completely!  May the Holy Spirit grant you peace and may you be able to focus on today and not what the future might hold
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Wife to wonderful DH, mom to SIX beautiful gifts from God!
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marihalojen
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I sent you a PM and will be praying!
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joann10
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You have received a lot of wonderful advice. I will be keeping you in my prayers....
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missionfamily
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Andrea--I know it can feel so overwhelming. I'll be praying your find some comfort and peace...lean on your Heavenly MOther and take it one day at a time...you CAN do this...HIs grace is sufficient.
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Colleen
dh Greg
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dawn2006
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Being open to life is a journey in itself. Holiness is a process... You're well on your way.
I have felt all those things you are feeling. (just so you know you're not alone).
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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Mary K
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praying for you.
mary-ny
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monique
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My heart goes out to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Monique
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Raising Saints
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Bella
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I have a friend IRL, who has nine dc under 13. I remember her saying, that she takes it one day at a time. Looking at the big picture CAN be overwhelming-leave it to God.
No,don't think about hsing. In most states, you don't have to begin Kinder until 6 or 7.
Many hugs to you, and many prayers for you. I will pray for St. Teresa of Avila to intercede for you. You are young and strong,and God will give you the grace you need.
This is an amazing board-so much great advice! There are so many Moms who are in your shoes.... those,who are lurking-thinking and feeling the same way you are. Just by asking for prayers, you are helping yourself,your family,and many others,too!!
Be gentle on yourself. 
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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mariB
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Sending prayers and hugs...I have in the past cried at every pregnancy and have felt the way you have. (I get really sick and depressed for the first 5 months of my pregnancies.) Know that you are not alone. I will keep you in my daily prayers.
Praying "Jesus, I trust in you." may bring you comfort. The ladies here always give such good advice. Just to let you know...I, too, don't feel as holy as the ladies here...and many times not holy at all. That's when I lay at Jesus' feet in prayer.
Some day you will look back and realize that you were on a journey to holiness and all your little ones will be teenagers and will help you! I can't tell you how much our once little boys help me now! Their help has been invaluable. Hang in there!
Re: homeschooling...maybe just read, play, and count things for the five year old (That's what we do.)
Love and
marianne
__________________
marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Difficult being Open to Life
