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terayon_124
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Dear all,
I am really struggling at the moment but right in the thick of it I can't see my way clear. I have been married 15 years and have 7 dc [10 and under, and we homeschool] and so one of my chief difficulties is just being plain old tired all the time! My dh is a very introverted person at home, though when we are out he comes across as an extrovert. I of course knew this when I married him but as the years into our marriage have gone on and the number of children have increased it is becoming more of a difficulty. He has difficulty having conversation with me about disciplining the children, where we are heading/ goals as a family, our faith. I feel burdened with financial decisions, taking care of the house, the yard work. I have asked him to come to counselling but when we went, he just sat there and didn't participate, he won't go to individual counselling. I have tried talking to priests but this was hurtful to him when I talked to our parish priest the first time and so I have struggled to find another priest I can even see regularly who is within 30-40 mins of where we live.
When we got married, we were not really practicing our faith [ mainly due to poor catechesis not intentional]. My prayer life is suffering at the moment and I think I will always struggle with - I don't really know how to pray - sounds wierd, but I feel like since the dc came along I have been thrown in at the deep end with really getting to know and live my faith especially in regard to prayer.
He is a good provider for the family and with all I have said, he will help with things if I ask him directly but I am increasingly resentful because of the emotional disconnect. I have managed in the past to get away for an overnight stay on my own so I can just 'get some air'. I worry that we are setting a bad example of marriage for our children.
Okay - so my long winded vent is to get to this point:
Has anyone advice for me as to how to encourage my husband to be more responsive to me? I am clearly going about it wrong since when I try and discuss it with him he gets more distant and the wedge is growing all the time. I feel like I am invisible - with his distance, and my kids just being kids but the usual day to day drain on me that raising them takes.
If the 'answer' lies predominantly in prayer for him, for me, for our marriage etc, how do I have peace with that - how do I embrace this struggle? It is really hard to give up the hopes of the marriage we desired and hoped for when we first got married.
How do I take care of myself in all this so I don't make things worse - in amidst the day to day busyness, and HSing and exhaustion how do I keep perspective????
Thanks,
Rita
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Maddie
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I am so sorry for your struggles and pain, I am praying for you. Funny, as I was reading your story I thought of praying to St. Rita for you... 
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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RamFam
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Rita,
I am very new to the Catholic scene, the homeschooling scene, and being open to life, as well as marriage and mommyhood, so I have no profound wisdom, but I want you to know that I am praying for you. And yes, I think "the 'answer' lies predominately in prayer" in regards to most things. When I feel overwhelmed in all of this, I find Elizabeth Foss' words on burnout very helpful.
Sending prayers and {{{hugs}}} your way.
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Leah
RamFaminNOVA
Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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Angie Mc
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Rita
I'm praying that you find just the right mix of help to bring some relief. Counseling is just one option, one that most men do not feel called to or feel is helpful. Here are two topics, showing love and respect to your husband and the 30 day husband encouragement challenge that may give you ideas and hope!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
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Rebecca
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Cay Gibson
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Rita,
You are in my prayers.
For Catholic reference have you read The Secret Diary of Elisabeth LeSeur?
Different circumstances but it is a book that can help you in examining your own heart while praying for that of your husband's.
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Cay Gibson
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wife to Mark '86
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Rebecca
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Zeliemum
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praying
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Mother to seven with five in heaven...Spiritualmotherhood for Priests
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guitarnan
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Rita,
I, too, will ask St. Rita to pray for you. I don't have any concrete advice to offer, but I do know that you both face many challenge on a daily basis. It is so hard to be the sole provider, and equally hard to be everything else.
One thing I can promise...the ladies here can pray and pray and pray, and God listens. My life has been so, so enriched through their prayers. You have come to the right place. Answers will come...maybe in different ways...but God is listening to you and to the people here. He will answer, in His time.
You're not alone...we are praying for you!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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ladycarobe
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I will be praying for you, Rita.
I know your situation very well.
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best wishes,
Ladycarobe.
mom to dd6  , dd4  and dd2  and pregnant.
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Taffy
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Rita,
I think that Rebecca gave you very good advice. I'm going to add my two cents here too, for whatever it's worth...
When you talk to your husband about needing help, be very direct about what you'd like him to do. If you are needing to sleep, say so, and say that you need him to watch the children or take them out so that you can get some rest. If you're needing him to help out with yard work, say so and ask him if he could do some very specific jobs. We wives have a tendency to think that our husbands will know what needs to be done but their ideas of what's necessary are often very different from ours.
Also, when you ask him to do some chores, and he agrees to them, let him do them in his own time and in his own way. For instance, my dh likes to help out with laundry when I'm behind (don't ask how often this happens  ). He doesn't do it the way I'd always like it to be done, but he does it. So, I simply let it go. He hates to mow the lawn but will do it when I'm pregnant and I do it otherwise. Give and take.
The other thing I'd suggest is to find time on a regular basis to simply be with him - no expectations, just make yourself available. Many suggest a "date night". Dh and I rarely have one but we regularly make time to "chill out" together after the kids are in bed.
Praying for you...
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
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Ruth
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Dear Rita. I will be praying for you and your husband.
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Ruth
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My family blog
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crusermom
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Rita,
I am praying for you and your husband. My thought - do you do anything together as a couple? I know it is hard with so many little ones.
Mary
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Mary
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Tina
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Rita,
I think both Rebecca and Susan gave you great advice. And I think more ladies are going to benefit from this thread than will actually post.
My situation is different from yours, but the same in some ways. My husband is not Catholic, and that is just the beginning of some of the issues we face in our marriage. When we first were married, I thought I could change him. It was such a struggle all the time when he didn't act the way I thought he should, or do the things I saw other "great dads" doing.
I've come to realize that he is who he is and I can only change myself and how I react to him. It doesn't mean I have given up on him. I pray for his conversion every day. (Although I'm not an expert at prayer and just feel like I'm going through the motions half the time, so I can relate to you there, too.) But I find that we get along best when I am loving and supportive and show appreciation for the things he DOES do. And that sometimes has the effect of making him want to do more and be more open to me.
I will keep you in my prayers. I will ask St. Rita to pray for you, and St. Monica, too(she is who I often turn to).
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~Tina
mom of 3 girls and 1 little man
The Best of Times
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Rebecca
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Vanna
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I have been through some tough times with my husband also. About a year ago, I read a book called Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerich (not Catholic but Christian). It changed our lives. Truly. I know you probably don't have a lot of reading time but if you can please do read this book. It addresses exactly what you are talking about. My marriage was saved by this book.
I will pray for you and your family.
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Lara Sauer
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Dear Rita,
My husband and I have been married for 17 years, so we are only together slightly longer than you and your own husband, but I would like to offer a few suggestions, perhaps as a way to help you look at things from a different perspective. I apologize early on if this runs long!
First of all, despite their exterior appearance of physical strength, men are at their core very emotionally weak. (I think that exactly the opposite is true of women, that despite the external view of fragility, that we are interiorly very strong. I think this is one of our greatest areas of complementary...our husband's are strong where we are weak and vice versa.)
However, we humans are very visual people, and sometimes only see the surface and fail to see what lies underneath. However, this is where intimacy comes into play. It allows us to share in one another's vulnerabilities.
I would recommend that you start off at the beginning. Find some time where you can go and dig up some old photos of you and and your husband when you were dating. Look at the smile on your face. You were radiant...I am sure you were...we all have these pictures of young love. As a matter of fact, I suggest that you find your favorite picture of your husband, and cut it out in the shape of a heart and carry it somewhere near yours! Tuck it into your bra if you have to! It will be a constant reminder of what is at stake here.
Next, sit down and write a love letter to your husband...but don't give it to him...as this is a letter for you. You are going to teach yourself to see your husband again with the eyes with which you first saw him. In this letter, tell him why out of all the men on earth you chose him. Tell him he has gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair. Tell him that he looks really cute in a pair of blue jeans. Tell him how much you admire his muscles and his strength. Tell him how very much you appreciate his going to work every single day, rain or shine, almost always without complaint so that you you can be a mother and teacher to your children...I think you get the idea.
Once your letter is written, place it in your bible, or some other spriritual book that you are reading so that you can meditate not only on the lives of those who have gone before you, but also on the life that you have lived (and loved!) with your husband. When you turn your heart to prayer, ask the Lord to soften your heart to love him as the wife of his youth loved him! (She is there, buried a bit by some wounds, but she is there, and you will find her again.) Also, ask the Lord to help you to see your husband as the beautiful child of God that he is. God made him loveable.
Finally, find your favorite picture of yourself. (Sometimes I jokingly refer to these pictures as my "bait and switch" pictures...my husband thought he was getting a cute 20-something and instead wound up with an almost 40-something!!) Look at that face and remember all the little things that you used to do to get ready to go out with your husband...you used to care deeply about appearing your best for him. Why? Because you wanted him to love you. That is what you still want. For good or for evil, men are very visual creatures. Their response to us is driven by their eyes...do you have a ready smile for him when he comes through the door at night? Are you genuinely happy to see him, or are you just relieved that now you get to have a break from dealing with the kids? He will know the difference. Get into the habit of mentally preparing yourself for his arrival. Comb your hair, brush your teeth, put on a spritz of your favorite perfume and maybe some lipstick...and when your children ask you what you are doing, say you are so happy that daddy is coming home and you just want to look pretty for him. Ask them if they would like to help get the house ready for him to come home to...tidy up the living room, get out the newspaper...whatever. Do what you would have done to make him feel welcome when you were dating. The rules don't change just because you are married. The Lord made your husband the head, but he made you the heart.
Now, here is the clincher...do this AND EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN!!!!! Love is an act of the will. Each day you wake up, tell yourself that for better or worse, you are going to choose to love your husband...not the one that you dream of having, but the one that the Lord has placed in your home as its head. Treat him with the same admiration that you used to feel for him...many times emotions follow actions.
You will be in my prayers.
Christ's peace.
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You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
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10 Bright Stars
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Rita,
First, my sympathies since this job can be quite overwhelming at times!!  I often feel as if my husband is getting "the leftovers". One thing to think about it the fact that, being an isolated and lonely hs mom makes it quite easy for us to use our husbands as a dumping ground for our frustrations or as a sounding board for our ideas. I do this ALL the time!!! Anyway, I think men, as "fixers" by nature, can become very overwhelmed if we are negative all the time or asking them to be involved in the day to day operations of the homeschool. I have come to the conclusion, personally, that I think dads should be there to hold the line on discipline, to back you up and support you, but as far as day to day operations, we are sort of on our own. (In my opinion again. Everyone has their own circumstances.) I know a lot of husbands are actively involved in teaching, grading, shopping etc etc. but not all husbands can or should. (It would be too stressful for them with work etc.)
So, without knowing the exact details, I would take all the good advice everyone said above!! I learned a lot from all that. I would then decide that you are going to try to stop being negative around him (if you are) and actively be positive. This is very difficult. I have tried it!! It was then that I realized how much I tend to vent with him etc. I started thinking that he probably doesn't want to think I can't handle things when he leaves the house, since this may be the impression I am leaving him with. I just never noticed I was doing this since it had become a habit. Also, he told me once that he was talking to a guy at work about homeschooling and he told me what he told them "our" experience was. It was all the "bad" things I had dumped on him for the past gosh knows how many years. I have to admit his "version" was sort of shocking and slightly embarrasing to me (since these people homeschool and I go to church with them etc.) I asked him why he said this or that and he said, "Well it's the truth isn't it?" I said not the whole truth!! But, then I realized how often do I go up to him and say, "Wow! Mary really got that lesson today. Noah really enjoyed his class. Dave listened to me all day. Bobby is finished with his book and wants to start another one right away. The laundry is caught up, and I am so happy and you are such a great provider!! " He would probably fall over dead. So, make sure you aren't making the mistake I did. They can't read our minds or hearts, which may be FILLED with lovely and loving feelings, words etc. They can only HEAR our words which may be negative.
I remember a song I used to hear on a Christian radio station some time ago that said, "How many love songs never get song? How many loving words right on the tip of your tongue? Then something about words that are never said. I can't remember. But isn't it true? I am not saying YOU are doing this at all, but in reality, as my loving husband ALWAYS reminds me when I complain to him ABOUT him is that the only person I can control or change is myself. So, that is always a good place to start looking.
I loved the suggestions by Lara. What a great post!!!!! I look terrible around the house all the time and have let myself go in so many ways. (Overweight, no make-up, sloppy clothes) so that is such a nice suggestion. But even if we still do all that, the nicest things we can give our husbands when he comes home from work is probably, as mentioned, the accepting and adoring SMILE. I think I will try that today, but like you said Lara, expect nothing in return. 
Also, at home date nights are a great idea. We have one every Sat. night on our deck. He grills, we have a glass of wine and the kids have a kids dinner and a movie in the house. We are right here, it's "free" as far as the older kids helping watch the younger kids, and we have some time to connect and chat. I would organize that this Sat. for him and have the kids occupied. Even if it is only for a half hour or hour. It is worth the time and he will feel immportant and then just listen to him talk or tell him positive things about your life and week if he doesn't feel like talking.
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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Taffy
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This thread has been on my mind today...
Danielle Bean writes a lot of excellent posts on marriage but I think that this post, Your Turn: Handling Husbands will speak to you the most.
Lara Sauer wrote:
Now, here is the clincher...do this AND EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN!!!!! Love is an act of the will. Each day you wake up, tell yourself that for better or worse, you are going to choose to love your husband...not the one that you dream of having, but the one that the Lord has placed in your home as its head. Treat him with the same admiration that you used to feel for him...many times emotions follow actions. |
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I think that Lara gave you some EXCELLENT advice. It echoes many of my own thoughts. I just want to add something else that I do when I start feeling badly about my dh, and married life in general...
One thing, is that I will pray the Lord's Prayer. As I recite it, I think about what the prayer is actually saying. (The Catechism of the Catholic Church gives an excellent analysis of it if you have time to read it.)
Anyway, I always pause at the part where the prayer says, "And Forgive us Our Trespasses, as We Forgive Those Who Trespass against Us". I will think about all the times I have sinned. Generally, just thinking about my sins of the day will start making me feel humble. And I will remember how my dh loves me during those bad times anyway.
I remember how many times that my dh has probably been upset with me and let it go. I remember how many times he has done things without mentioning it. Many times, I won't have even noticed until days later.
I'll also remember that I can be a VERY tough person to live with at times. And I'll be grateful that my dh loves me anyway.
I hope this helps. As I mentioned before, I'll keep you in my prayers, many of us can understand where you are coming from.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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JenniferS
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Wow! What beautiful advice. I have gleaned much, so I am very thankful you posted, Rita. I really have none to add, but I will add my prayers.
Jen
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Marriage difficulties - long
