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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 3:15pm | IP Logged
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I don't know about some of you with teens, young s and grown children, but I spend countless hours mulling over what I could have/should have done differently with my eldest two, and now what I want to do with the youngers to ward off rebelliousness and loss of faith. Anyone want to share some wisdom you have gained for YOUR family - knowing that all of our families/personalities and situations are different?
I'll start...
1. would not allow headphones to be worn around the house in town or in the van.
2. would not have allowed the purchase of system without learning more about it's capabilities and setting down clear rules from the start. It was a whole new world for us and we were very ignorant about just how bad the could be, potential for long, unsupervised hours in bedrooms playing , etc.
3. would talk more and LISTEN more about important subjects such as chastity, prolife issues, and even current social problems such as , alcohol and smoking.
4. would be more open and up front with my intuitions, worries, etc. and not sneak behind their backs to gain the info.
5. somehow done more in the way of allowing for more freedom when they were younger - hard to explain but I think there were too many fearful 'no's' on my part.
Oh, and not to sound too negative  I'd love to hear what you wOULD do again or continue to do too. I'll have to save that for another post myself.
ok. duty calls. 8 children need me (whether they all know it or not  )
Theresia
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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I agree with all your ideas. I would add that I will talk more with my children about financial matters. I'm still a firm believer that they don't need to know all the details of our family finances, but my oldest daughter is terrible with money, and I never have been. I should have taught more on this, and I certainly will with my 2 youngest.
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 Paula
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Erin
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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Theresia
Thank yous so much for this discussion, it is one I agonise over and ponder so much.
Cathmomof8 wrote:
5. somehow done more in the way of allowing for more freedom when they were younger - hard to explain but I think there were too many fearful 'no's' on my part.
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I can't speak from experience of my own yet as my oldest is only 13(although I did have alot to do with younger siblings) but this is one area I have been very conscious of doing. Saying yes as often as possible as we have to say no alot too. I know exactly what you mean here.
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Willa
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Cathmomof8 wrote:
| 2. would not have allowed the purchase of system without learning more about it's capabilities and setting down clear rules from the start. It was a whole new world for us and we were very ignorant about just how bad the could be, potential for long, unsupervised hours in bedrooms playing , etc. |
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When you say system, do you mean game system or computer?
I suppose your point holds true for ANY new thing, actually. Cautions and guards are unfortunately called for in so many things nowadays.
That was a good list, Theresia. I especially liked the point about saying yes and the way you said it. It is a subtle point but important, I think.
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Angie Mc
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Somewhere along the line, our family labeled the need to "find a yes." As a busy mom it is just plain easier to say "no" (and no can be exactly what needs to be said) but sometimes I'm just not being connected enough to the person with the request. My older children will now respectfully prompt me, "Can we find a yes somehow?" This helps me to stop my knee-jerk reaction of "no." I'm amazed at how often I really can find a yes  .
Great list, Theresia. Thanks for sharing.
Love,
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alicegunther
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Theresia, I'll be taking your list to heart and thank you for writing it.
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guitarnan
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We've always resisted the TV in bedrooms thing (ours included). We want our TV time to be family time. So far we don't have a gaming system except for our computer...in plain sight near the TV viewing area.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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marihalojen
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Angie, I really like the 'find a yes' idea, thanks!
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Feb 14 2007 at 12:52pm | IP Logged
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Willa,
our second oldest bought a hand held system when he was 15yo. We'd never let the kids getvideo systems before - we just had the computer with the in our kitchen. We were going on a two week vacation, driving to Florida with 7 kids and when he asked if he could buy it for himself it seemed ok. We didn't know ahead of time about ratings or the extent of the filth out there - often veiled in seemingly harmless . We let too many into this house that were trash, and ds played them for countless hours in his room. It only encouraged him to spend more time alone in his room. When we learned more about the and came to our senses, it was painful to have to backtrack and take the away, and the harm had already been done. sigh. double sigh.
Had we researched ahead of time, made rules up front (i.e. no M rated duh!), limited play time, it would be much easier for all of us even now. Our 14yo and 12yo also have DS systems. We've at least not let them play garbage. But it has been another thing to have to monitor. Too many times I've found them playing their in their room when they should have been doing something else. And then it is a source of frustration and anger to have to take it away from them. There has got to be a better way. And I'm sure many families have systems that they use for good. I'd certainly be much more inclined to get a system to be used on our tv, in the living room.
But that brings another point. Part of the reason we let the teens take the tv into their room (we have one tv in the living room that only is used for DVD,video, has no television. And we have one tv that can float with a dvd/vcr player), is because they do watch movies that aren't appropriate for a 3yo to watch and we only have one living space downstairs. I'm not sure how to better manage that but I know that even the floating tv has been taken into bedrooms and used for movies that may not have been approved. With 8 kids, I just can't police everything, and dh will not consistently do it. It becomes a strain on our relationship.
Boy, that was a long-winded answer, and I really, really do need to get moving.
thanks for everyone's comments and I hope more will join in with some wisdom.
Theresia
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Leonie
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I don't know that I'd do anything differently - so many of our choices have been really dependant on our personalities.
One thing I'd like to have done is to move less - we have never had roots and this separation of some of us here and some interstate is diffcult. But my dh is in the military so the decisions to move weren't really mine. 
I also wish that I had been stronger in my Faith - I only converted when my oldest was 14.My kids are great - not perfect but cool. I do wonder, though, if they would be different if I was a better person - I remember my faults and my still stumbling around in the Faith.
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stacykay
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I think overall, I would only change a couple of things.
I would be outside, more, with dc.
First ds loved to read. When 2nd ds came along, he didn't want to sit and read, he wanted to be "playing" with older brother. I think, if I could go back, I would have just read anyways, while they were playing. It just didn't occur to me!  (I have incorporated more reading time with the rest!)
We only have one tv, but I think I would have been even more careful about tv and computer time, especially for myself. (Maybe weekends only.) I try to keep total screen times to 2 hours a day, but sometimes fail in that dept. 
I can't think of much more, I would have changed.
I am glad we have limited tv viewing and computer time as much as we have, cause I do know it is less than the average, which I guess isn't anything to be too proud about (or video game time.) Our oldest 2dss didn't have anything (video-game wise) until they were 9 or 10. Unfortunately, once they got PS2, that trickles down to the younger set.
We have been pretty strict on curfews/driving/parent's home at friends'/etc. I wouldn't change that.
My oldest is going to be 19 in April, and he is a great son and person. But we still have to wait to see how the rest fare. I would love to hear those who are now seeing grandchildren comment on what they think worked!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Willa
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Leonie wrote:
| I don't know that I'd do anything differently - so many of our choices have been really dependant on our personalities. |
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Like Leonie, most of the things I wish had been different were to do with logistics and character or temperament issues.
I have a fault of drifting off into my own little world. I am sure this is difficult for my family and friends. My French teacher used to say I was "dans la lune" For this reason I don't think my kids feel quite as grounded and secure as they would if their mom was more grounded.
The other thing would be the logistics of living way way out in the mountains, with one decrepit old car. It is difficult for us to get anywhere which means my children have a more difficult than usual time in practicing functioning out in the community. This makes their transition into adult life a bit more stressful than it has to be, I'd think.
My electronics issue is more low energy/laziness than anything else. It is tempting to me to let the kids stay on the computer/game system/video screen just so I can have some down time. We do limit it but things creep in around the corners so it takes a lot of energy; would probably be much easier just to not HAVE the things in the house. Except that I do think computer games and videos are good things if done in moderation.
Stacy is right that if we don't really have grown children it's hard to say convincingly what we did right. My oldest is 20 and he's a good kid and doing well so far, but he's in college -- not exactly in adult life yet. I still worry : ); DH says too much! My teens are good people, people we like to be around, but no doubt they will have some bumps on the road of life that we could have forestalled.
My parents have raised three children successfully in that none are criminals or atheists or deadbeats.
One thing they did right (besides pray) was often reflect with us on what THEY could have done differently and in general, discuss family history with us often as we went out into our adult lives. This gave me a feeling of continuity between my own childhood, and my parents', and the childhood I am giving my children.
They also tried to discuss the motives for their decisions with us often, especially as we became teens. For example, when my dad went back to being a general physician after being a medical director at an IHS hospital, he shared his ideals and his life planning strategies -- it meant so much to me.
Finally, they were good examples. They lived good lives themselves. They weren't perfect but I could see they were trying hard. That isn't everything but it's a lot.
I just want my kids to be saints... not canonized, just in heaven someday. I pray this every day. I pray for their future spouses or religious brothers/sisters. I pray for their peer group -- your children. I just pray Our Mother makes up for what's lacking in me. I pray! It's the only thing I'm doing that I'm SURE works!
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Willa
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What I would do differently...
