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Mary G
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... because we've learned from past mistakes, or because our fertility is wearing down and we know we only have so many chances left, or do we just love having babies?
I ask as I turned 45 last September, I have 5 wonderful children (+ 3 steps and 5 step-grandchildren) and yet I'd love to have another baby for ALL three reasons.
1. I think I'd be a better mom now that I was back when my 17 yos was born -- I worked full time, had him and his sister in daycare, etc. etc. I was a product of the 80s! I think if I had it to do over again, I would NEVER put a child in "real" school but keep them home at least until high school when they would help determine that decision.
2. My waning fertility has me realizing how dumb I was not to have a child every year if possible -- I wish the younger ones could understand the importance of children and how wonderfully they fill your life! I know that time is slipping away and I'd love to have just one more!
3. I see so many older folks at Church who had maybe one child (if that) and now have NO ONE who will take care of them because they taught their kid(s) to be self-absorbed! What a waste. Children not only keep you young now, but a large family teaches inter-dependence and cooperation, and large families help each other out now and later when the parents are older and the kids are grown. My mom lives with us, but she could just as easily gone to pretty much any of my siblings as we all love her and WANT to take care of her as she grows old.
So which is it for you?
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MaryG
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Anneof 5
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I am so glad to see this forum. I am in my late forties and think my baby days are most likely over. I am OK with that. (Never thought I would say that.) The past couple of years I no longer feel the strong desire to have a baby. I have always loved babies since I was a little girl. I had 3 birthchildren, 3 miscarriages, and 2 adopted children. We adopted babies when I was 42 and 44. They have been a joy and a handful all at once! Perimenopause has been really difficult for me and the past two years have made it clear to me that I have all I can handle at this point in my life. Some of us are very blessed to continue having children over 40 and many of us are not. We have always been open to life but it did not manifest in a large family and I think God knew what He was doing. I would just like to hold a baby now and again and look forward to having grandchildren in the future.
Anne
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Paula in MN
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Mary, I turned 45 in November, so you and I are on the same page, so to speak.
I would have another child IN A MINUTE if I could. However, due to severe physical problems, I had to have a hysterectomy after my 4yo was born.
I know that I am a very different mom with my 7yo and my 4yo than I was with my 23yo. With her, I worked full time + some. She was in daycare and then in school and I made sure she was in dance and gymnastics and girl scouts...she was as busy as I was. If I could change it I would. Now I homeschool my 2 youngest and I am not missing out on anything with them. And my oldest and I have discussed this -- she has assured me that we didn't miss out on any time together. But I know different.
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 Paula
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Cheryl M.
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I am 45 and will be 46 in May. It doesn't look like we'll have anymore simply because it's been so long since we've conceived, but if God planted a little baby I would be overjoyed! I too, would be a different mother now, than when my oldest was born 18 years ago. And yet, at this point I feel much peace and contentment with the beautiful children I've been given, so that if I don't have another...it is ok.
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teachingmom
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I can't say that I'm pining after another baby right now (since my baby is only 4 months old!) but I will say that having a baby at 42 has made me appreciate this precious baby in a way that I haven't before. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and all of mine have been a joy - not even one fussy one amongst them.
Maybe it's knowing that this baby could be my last that makes me savor every moment more. I am able to slow down and really look at my baby in a way that I don't think I did as much with the others. I find myself holding her more, simply looking at her more, enjoying nursing her more, wanting to hold onto the moments like her first smile, her first laugh, etc., etc. I think being an older mother is making me a better mother . . . and not just because I have lots of experience at this.
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Mary G
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teachingmom wrote:
Maybe it's knowing that this baby could be my last that makes me savor every moment more. I am able to slow down and really look at my baby in a way that I don't think I did as much with the others. I find myself holding her more, simply looking at her more, enjoying nursing her more, wanting to hold onto the moments like her first smile, her first laugh, etc., etc. I think being an older mother is making me a better mother . . . and not just because I have lots of experience at this. |
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I agree whole-heartedly Irene! With my younger ones I have FINALLY (emoticon needed with getting whacked upside the head) realized the priorities and that no matter how much kids HAVE, it is no substitute for having a mom home with them, living/loving/learning, day after day and really experiencing everything with them till they're of an age to go a bit more and more on their own. And this applies whether you homeschool or not -- if my kids are in "real" school, I still have to spend as much time with them as possible because "all of a sudden" they're 17 and getting ready to go off to college..... 
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Essy
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Well...my oldest is only 4 and a half (LOL) and my baby is 3 and half. They came to me in God's good timing and in God's way (miracle of adoption)...with the second one being a total 'surprise'...so...if He has any more 'surprises' for me, I'll gladly accept them.
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ALmom
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I'm almost 47 - and I'm not sure why I have such a strong desire but I just have not come to terms yet with maybe approaching the end of fertility. We've begged for every child - the just one more, but then wanting just one more... I love babies, always wanted to be a mom and have always been at home with dc and homeschooled, so while I am relaxed more, I'm not sure I'm all that different as a mom. It is just the wonder of watching these personalities develop and then blossom and go branch into different paths, interests, talents ... My dh and I were at church listening to an appeal for Marriage Encounter and wondering why it just didn't appeal to us (not to say there is anything wrong with it or that ME is really what the talk seemed to imply) but it seemed like all the focus was on "feeling good and having teenage gaga feelings" and emphasizing how dc can distract you from each other (almost like they prevent you from keeping those gaga feelings going) and dh and I just looked at each other and our dc and know our love was so real that here are the results - thanks be to God and our relationship is so much more than holding hands and having starry eyes. Our children bring us together, not apart!
I will say one thing that has occured to me is that the baby has always been a bit spoiled until we suddenly wake up around age 2 and remember that we are supposed to train this guy (well not quite that bad but I'm sure you know what I mean) and it was always when the next dc was born that the child gently dethroned themselves a bit. We always have a king/queen uncrowning party at age 2 - but it really isn't until the next baby that they are really dethroned so to speak. Now our first and second had 4 years between them (miscarriages in between so many)so that is not a problem - but it took me a while to realize that we have a 4 yo and there may not be another to dethrone him - and we all dote on him and it just seems like it would be good for him to have a little brother or sister - plus it just makes my heart sing when I see this rough and tumble guy (he just about bowls me over with his hugs) suddenly become so gentle with his small cousin.
It also doesn't hurt that I always feel so good in pregnancy (actually better than I do at any other time in my life) and labor and delivery have always been relatively easy and complication free to this point. Also dh keeps talking about one more and our standard joke is that God always says yes to him - so hoping this is one more time that this proves true.
I also know I've gone through this struggle before with every pregnancy - the feeling of wanting to tell God what to do, followed by intense sorrow - up and down everytime not pregnant - then finally some peace and then as if God is trying to teach this stubborn woman something like by the way, I'm God and am still in charge here, He gives us the baby we were begging for. He must know I never seem satisfied because I'm always back begging and going through the same roller coaster. You'd think I'd learn a bit! I'm beginning to realize that if God's answer is No, then he will give the peace of heart that goes with that.
I am normally an extremely emotional person - but dc keep me grounded and we laugh at my foibles in a kind hearted, respectful way. When I go looking for a missing item - the kids will ask, "Oh mom are you looking for that cherry piece again?" and we all laugh at our inside joke. I'm too stubborn to have learned anything any other way than through these beautiful children and my dh who always seems so humble, calm and patient. God is so good!
Janet
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Paula in MN
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Janet you have written a beautiful post!
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Joann in AL
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Well, we'd like to have another. But we've lost the last four, so we'll see what God has in Mind.
For lots of reasons.
Janet, I loved your post! 
So, instead of tyoing my own really long post, can I just say, "Yeah most of Janet said!"? 
Only, I'm NOT that emotional a person and so the Lord has used my children to help me be more affectionate and loving. And because He knew that it would take a super-sized family to rid me of super-sized selfishness. 
I think I was a better mom to my older kids. There were a lot of very high-stress situations in our family from about 2001 till, ummm, last summer.  It was difficult to get the older teens ready for college, the middle schoolers through middle school and pay very good attention to the three younger ones.
They seem to ahve weaterhed the storms OK. We have some stuff with the middle little (confused?) but I have noticed that these things are resolving as the stress level goes down. And as he matures.
Joann
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Tifflynene
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Hi There-
I am so thankful to find this forum topic! I just turned 40 last October and I'm sort of "feeling it"! I have had people ask me if my 2 year old is my grandchild. My oldest is only 13 so I am not a grandma yet!
Quite honestly I am feeling like a scared little child because, though my dh and I are are committed to being open to life, I feel like I am maxed out. With age I find that I have MUCH less patience when I am lacking sleep and less patience in general! I have also felt my body changing and fell many more achy joints, etc. these last few years....
But just hearing about many of you that are still bearing little ones in your forties is very inspiring. I was whining to Chari that you don't often hear about Catholic women over 40's and their struggles or strengths with this issue.
I have even attended Women Of Grace Conferences and went away asking...Why aren't there Catholic Homeschooling Mom's of multiple children up there talking to us? hee hee
Please help! I am praying that Mother Mary give me strength to surrender and trust Her beloved Son.
Tiffany
Mother of 4 living blessings
ds (Age 13); ds (age 7); dd (age 4); ds (age 2)
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stacykay
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I will be 44 in March and have noticed, for the past year or so, changes in my cycles. My youngest ds will be 3 in June. I am soooo grateful to have him. Like you all have mentioned, I am drinking up every bit of his sweetness I can.
Janet, I need to pray for that peace of heart.
I vacillate between melancholy and contentment as far as the desire for another goes. With so many around me having their sweet blessings (I know at least 15 who have either just had a baby, or are having one, with my sil being the latest to the list,) I do get the desire to have and hold a precious newborn. I pray I don't wind up a weepy mess, especially when I get to hold the newest niece or nephew.
I am blessed beyond belief with my 6 dss. And I need to keep my focus there. And I don't know that I could handle a little one as well, at this point. My last pregnancy, I suddenly felt, physically, a bit *old*  . So, I know God knows best, and I will leave it to Him. Isn't it incredibly wonderful, knowing He is there, and in charge?
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Mary G
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stacykay wrote:
So, I know God knows best, and I will leave it to Him. Isn't it incredibly wonderful, knowing He is there, and in charge?
God Bless,
Stacy in MI |
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Definitely!
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gracie4309
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Stacy said: I will be 44 in March and have noticed, for the past year or so, changes in my cycles.
I can really relate, Stacy. I really didn't think my cycles would stop so early, but I'm 42 and have only had about two normal cycles in the last 3-4 yrs. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's age or stress (we went through many changes in that time, not the least of which was starting homeschooling). At any rate, there have been several months when I thought I may be expecting, but wasn't. Wish I had back the money I spent on pregnancy tests  . I do really miss having a small baby, but like several people have said, know I don't have the energy I had a few years ago. Anyway, I'll be satisfied whether God decides to give us any more or not.
Grace (mom to Nick-16, Mary-13, Sam-8, Paul-5, and Patrick-5)
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stacykay
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gracie4309 wrote:
.....At any rate, there have been several months when I thought I may be expecting, but wasn't. Wish I had back the money I spent on pregnancy tests .......
Grace (mom to Nick-16, Mary-13, Sam-8, Paul-5, and Patrick-5) |
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I don't even want to guess how much I've spent!
I don't have any daughters, but I am hoping I can do the "aging"  thing gracefully enough. My boys and I have been talking about our *lights* since Candlemas. I want to be a "good" light. 
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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St. Ann
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I just spent 7Euros last night, just to be disappointed this morning. I went back to bed and honestly prayed a prayer of thanksgiving, albeit through tears. The Lord is and has been so good to me/us. For some reason I truly thought...this time, this time...my breasts have that feeling(slightly) and that tugging feeling in the lower abdomen(again slight).
I continue to pray for another child - even at 44.
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Paula in MN
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Oh Stephanie, I'm truly sorry. I'm praying for you right now.
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Paula
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Chari
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teachingmom wrote:
I can't say that I'm pining after another baby right now (since my baby is only 4 months old!) but I will say that having a baby at 42 has made me appreciate this precious baby in a way that I haven't before. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and all of mine have been a joy - not even one fussy one amongst them.
Maybe it's knowing that this baby could be my last that makes me savor every moment more. I am able to slow down and really look at my baby in a way that I don't think I did as much with the others. I find myself holding her more, simply looking at her more, enjoying nursing her more, wanting to hold onto the moments like her first smile, her first laugh, etc., etc. I think being an older mother is making me a better mother . . . and not just because I have lots of experience at this. |
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WOW, Irene........all of these years I have thought you were much younger than me........and here you are the same age as me! Funny, where do these little ideas come from....
Anyway.....I know EXACTLY how you feel.............I was ONLY  37yrs when my last was born........and I can tell you the babymoon lasted just about 5 yrs! I just SOAKED it all up! Just in case.........and so far, it is a good thing!
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Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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Chari
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Tifflynene wrote:
Hi There-
I am so thankful to find this forum topic! I just turned 40 last October and I'm sort of "feeling it"! I have had people ask me if my 2 year old is my grandchild. My oldest is only 13 so I am not a grandma yet!
But just hearing about many of you that are still bearing little ones in your forties is very inspiring. I was whining to Chari that you don't often hear about Catholic women over 40's and their struggles or strengths with this issue.
Please help! I am praying that Mother Mary give me strength to surrender and trust Her beloved Son.
Tiffany
Mother of 4 living blessings
ds (Age 13); ds (age 7); dd (age 4); ds (age 2) |
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Tiffany, you were NOT whining! You were only commiserating, sharing......you are welcome anytime....but, now you know why I invited you here.....you are SO not alone!
and as for being your wee fella's grandma........WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD ANYONE ASK YOU THAT???? You do not even look like a grandma! I just wonder why no one has asked me that yet In fact, though I am sure you must have mentioned to me your age last summer.........I would NEVER have remembered you so close to me age.....
I am glad you are here, too. I think this is just where God wanted you to be!  Me, too!
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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dsauclair
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It's almost a relief to find this group of 40-somethings still hoping for another (or more!) little ones. I'm Diane from VA, turning 42 this year. But I married late (31) and only completed a pregnancy at age 36. So I now have a 5-year old and a 3-year old. Hardly any experience, not to mention, wisdom.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can completely understand Grace and Stephanie, as I also feel overwhelmed with disappointment almost monthly. But with the help of my confessor, I am learning to let go and to trust that the number of children we have is the number that God had planned for us, for now.
And to all you 'grandmas' of your little ones, I remember a comment this guy at a Metro elevator made to me (I've always had salt-and-pepper hair even in my 30s) -- "How lucky for these kids to have such an active grandma!" I am sure that was a compliment!
I am so glad to be here with all of you.
Diane
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: So, do we want to have another ... (
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