| Author | |
doris
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1103
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2007 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Here's my question. I like the idea of working on one habit at a time, natural consequences, etc. But how does it work in practice?
The habit I'm working on with my dc is doing what I ask straight away, not waiting to be asked 5 times. Just for things like getting shoes on to go out or whatever. Now the only natural consequence of them not doing it is that I get cross  .
I've talked to them about 'our new habit' and praise them to the skies when they do it -- for example, coming when they're called -- but when they're tired, I'm tired, or there's real time pressure, it just doesn't seem to work. Then, all that works is shouting. 
I'm slowly working through the Karen Andreola book and admit that I haven't read any CM directly, so maybe the answers are there. Maybe also I'm expecting too much of my dc given their ages (6, 4 and 2)? I'm also slightly halfhearted in that I don't want this to be boot camp where they're not allowed any autonomy or right to discussion. (I loathe all that 'first time obedience' stuff.) On the other hand, when we have to go out for an appointment, I don't want to ask each child 5 times to do each stage of the getting ready.
Any advice/opinions?
__________________
Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
Frabjous Days
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
doris
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1103
|
| Posted: Jan 10 2007 at 4:46pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Just bumping this up a busy board in the hopes that someone can help me out!
__________________
Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
Frabjous Days
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Erin
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 23 2005
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5814
|
| Posted: Jan 10 2007 at 4:57pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
For it to work you are going to need another consequence  I KNOW this from experience BTW I'm not too sure how much you should expect from the 2yr old.
Something that has also helped me is that I found that my dc respond best if I give them a warning, ie. in five minutes we are going to be getting ready so start to wind down what you are doing. If I leave everything till the last minute then I get stressed and start yelling 
__________________
Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amiefriedl
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 15 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 323
|
| Posted: Jan 10 2007 at 5:58pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Any time I feel I need a good parenting shot in the arm I listen/read some of Dr. Ray Guarendi's stuff. I have one of his talks on Cd and my kids run when they hear me listening to it! 
Other than that my best advice would be to INCREASE YOUR spiritual life. Become devoted to Mary, pray lots more, study about the guardian angels and how they can help you on a daily basis. The grace of your vocation will kick in like lightening and you'll find the words you need to get that good behaviour.
I have some more specific resources if you'd like to PM me. I gotta go finish fixing dinner....
__________________
In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SaraP
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 15 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 531
|
| Posted: Jan 10 2007 at 7:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Doris wrote:
| The habit I'm working on with my dc is doing what I ask straight away, not waiting to be asked 5 times. Just for things like getting shoes on to go out or whatever. Now the only natural consequence of them not doing it is that I get cross. |
|
|
I use a kitchen timer to play 'beat the buzzer' when I ask my kiddos to do something and the natural consequence of not doing it is usually that there 'isn't time' to do something fun that they knew was coming up shortly thereafter.
So, for example, when I ask them to get ready for bed I also set the timer for 10 or 15 minutes and tell them that in order to have time for a bedtime story they need to be ready before the timer goes off.
Or if we are getting ready to run errands and then go to the playground they need to use the bathroom and put their shoes on before the timer goes off or we 'won't have time' to go to the playground.
Obviously this won't work in every situation, but it does in many and it does help.
My 5yo manages to do what he needs to without a second reminder pretty much every time, my 4 year old needs some additional prodding about half the time and my 1yo doesn't have a clue yet.
__________________
Mama to six on earth, two in heaven and two waiting in Russia. Foxberry Farm Almanac
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rachel May
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 24 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2057
|
| Posted: Jan 11 2007 at 1:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
doris wrote:
(I loathe all that 'first time obedience' stuff.) On the other hand, when we have to go out for an appointment, I don't want to ask each child 5 times to do each stage of the getting ready.
Any advice/opinions? |
|
|
All right, you were upfront, so take all this with a grain of salt, but it's an idea.....
I train each one (starting at about 2) to be obedient the first time (don't give up on me yet!  ), and in this way.
1. I say, "Please go put your shoes on, we need to go to Mass."
2. When confronted by a blank stare (don't they always look at you like you are speaking Greek? ), I gently say, "Yes, Mommy, I will.", have him repeat it back to me, and turn his little body in the direction he needs to go.
3. When they don't make a move (I give them several seconds, but not minutes to obey), I give a spank on the leg (sorry it's not natural consequences).
4. Repeat.
Now, the fruit has been that now the kids know how to obey the first time. This has not stopped anyone questioning me about any given thing. Often I will respond, but when I need obedience NOW, I say, "Yes Mommy I will." They will repeat it (in a matching tone) and do what they need to do.
I'm more successful with natural consequences with things that directly effect their body, like eating too much when I've suggested they'v had enough.
I know it isn't what you're looking for, but I thought you might find a nugget to build on. That's what I do. 
__________________
Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rachel May
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 24 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2057
|
| Posted: Jan 11 2007 at 1:38pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Erin wrote:
Something that has also helped me is that I found that my dc respond best if I give them a warning, ie. in five minutes we are going to be getting ready so start to wind down what you are doing. If I leave everything till the last minute then I get stressed and start yelling |
|
|
Oh yeah, this is brilliant! We have to mentally transition before we physically transition.
And I forgot to say that I begin training around 2, but I don't really expect good obedience for a while.
__________________
Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ALmom
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3299
|
| Posted: Jan 11 2007 at 2:20pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Ditto the warning! But one way to set up natural consequence is to sometimes call them for something that they would love (a special treat) and then if they don't come when you call, you don't call a second time and enjoy the treat yourself. (They'll notice, don't worry). Of course you do want to be sensitive to the ages and abilities of your children and be sure they do hear you and have had some practice with being taught how important it is to come right away (drop a hint or two - you never know why someone is calling, it might be an emergency or it might be someone needing a hand or it might be to share a chocolate bar with you) I guess what I am saying, is be fair about it, give heads up about any new expectations, be sure they hear you and give plenty of time for them to respond before assuming they are ignoring the call. With the 2 yo you probably do have to still do everything along with them, but if you train the 6 yo, the others are likely to follow suit more quickly.
Another natural consequence for the dawdling and almost making you late for an appointment routine is to tell them very calmly and matter of factly, since they did not respond to you right away and you are now exhausted from running around, you will need a quiet time to regain your energy and so everyone will have to have a rest time as soon as you get home so you can rest. Now, if I do something like calling them at the last minute and expecting everyone to dash around like mad people, then obviously some of the problem is my fault and I will try to provide assistance more instead of requests - and even apologize to them for giving last minute notice, but I really need their help and right away obedience and we will plan something special for when we get back as a way of thanking them for working hard to help me in my mistake. (They are wonderful when I ask like this as I do aknowledge how hard it is to jump with no warning and show appreciation for the sacrifice they make for me). I guess what it means is set up positive and negative consequences so you are really treating them as little persons - not robots that jump when you say jump.
Another part of this is to make sure that they are actually hearing you when you call - and a 5 minute warning followed by a face to face request and having them repeat the request back to you so you know they heard it. Some children really are so intense in what they are doing, that they do not hear you.
Janet
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Habit Forming and discipline
