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SeaStar
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| Posted: Dec 19 2006 at 9:01pm | IP Logged
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For the past year I have been trying to live more simply- declutter, buy less, give things away on Freecycle or to Goodwill.
But one thing has me stumped- unwanted gifts. I know that all gifts are just that- gifts, given in love (usually), and I should be grateful. But being grateful and accepting instead of honest means that the clutter keeps rolling in. So I have tried to be honest but kind with my immediate family about gift giving. It is not going well- I just feel mean and ungrateful. A few examples:
I recently told dh that the new bath towels he bought for our anniversary in navy blue and rust were very thoughtful of him but: don't match *anything* in the bathroom, aren't really needed, and I don't like or want them. He was so disappointed. I felt- still feel- like dirt. He returned them.
For my birthday my mom bought me some kind of fancy springform cheesecake pan that I will never use. She told me about the pan about a month before my birthday, and I distinctly remember telling her: wow, sounds like a nice pan, but that is something I would never use. So imagine my surprise when, on my birthday- there it was. My mom said instantly, "You don't like it." And I said, "I'll never use it. Why did you buy this for me? We talked about it!" I was so upset I almost cried. I felt so mean and so mad about being stuck with this $60 useless-to- me pan that can't be returned. I felt worse about making her upset.
Then my husband surprised me with a new vacuum cleaner. I had been telling him I wanted one that was self-propelled ( I have biceps tendonitis and my shoulder really aches after pushing our heavy vacuum). The one he bought was not self-propelled. I tried it and did not like it at all. He said, "If you really don't like it I'll return it." I hesitated, but then said, "OK. I really don't like this vacuum." Again- totally hurt his feelings. Again- I feel like Scrooge and Ms. Ungrateful 2006.
But I am so tired of all the unwanted things that people buy or give to me. I feel like I am talking and no one is listening. I feel like my only recourse is to dig my heels in and try to stand firm against it. Same for the kids- I finally flat out told my mother that no more dolls or cars/trucks are allowed into my house. We are so overrun with them it's obscene.
But then I feel terrible- their joy is in giving. Is it wrong to be honest like this with close family? Now Christmas is coming, and I'd rather have my mother send $60 to Food For the Poor than spend it on another baking pan for me. I guess I need to pray about this more... tonight I am still feeling terrible about the towel fiasco. But I did learn that dh really wants new towels; he thinks the ones we've been using since we got married are too skimpy. So I am on the hunt for bath "sheets".
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Rebecca
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| Posted: Dec 19 2006 at 10:10pm | IP Logged
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Dear Melinda,
It is so hard to know what to say when you receive something that you do not need or want. The reminder I give myself when this happens is "In all things, Charity." That is to say that we would never want to purposely offend someone over something that they offered in love, with good intentions, out of the kindness of their heart. To receive an unwanted gift graciously is difficult. The gift is so much less important than the love and thought behind it. I suppose, in the case of the pan, you could sell it on ebay and donate the money to "Food for the Poor" yourself.
I wish I had some practical advice for you but I am only beginning to control my impulsive tongue and learning not to hurt people's feelings. I have one very distinct memory from when I was about 20 years old and visiting my grandmother for Christmas. She had bought me a beautiful coffee table book about the Holy Land, which I already owned. I opened it up and blurted out, "I already have this book Grandma". The look of sadness on her face is etched in my mind to this day. She passed away a few years ago and I consider that remark, now unable to be taken back, one of my biggest regrets in my adult life.
Now If I ever receive something I dislike or already have, I thank the giver and let them know that they are so kind to have thought of me, went out and shopped for me and wrapped up the gift. That does not mean that I always keep all that I am given. Sometimes I pass a gift on to someone who would want it or donate it if I really cannot use it. It is difficult in the case of a spouse or someone who comes by your home often. In the case of a spouse, I would not get rid of the gift but would use it and offer up as a sacrifice (that it is not exactly what I wanted), in an effort to save them the pain/hurt feelings.
Just my $.02. I will look forward to other's responses on this thread also.
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Dec 19 2006 at 10:45pm | IP Logged
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My husband got to the point where he said, "Buy yourself something and I'll wrap it!"  Now we'll go out together to shop. I have an advocate, as well. My daughter follows me around when we shop and whenever I say, "Ooooh, I like that. Isn't it nice?" She'll pinpoint what it is I like and then snag her dad and let him know. Both my husband and myself have given each other things that we won't use. We're frank with each other when this occurs. But the longer we are married, the less this happens.
However, I must tell you ... this is the reason that I don't do gift exchanges with my extended family. We have lived so far away from everyone for so long that I don't hardly even know my nieces and nephews (many of whom are now in their teens, which is another reason for not exchanging gifts  ). Even my brothers and sisters have changed quite a bit over the years. We, of course, stayed the same all these years. I have to chuckle when the godparents (brothers and sisters) send my kids things that we just don't value or flat out don't allow. For instance, my sister gave a paint-by-number SpongeBob thing to my 7 yob. My son had it for possibly a week (because half the time he had it, she was there with us). Then it ... uh ... disappeared! Interesting, isn't it, how values of siblings change over time?
I actually recommended that instead of an exchange, we give the money we would've spent on each other to the poor. My family booed this, saying that it was fun to exchange gifts. Hmmm...where are their priorities?
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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Mrs.K
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| Posted: Dec 19 2006 at 11:11pm | IP Logged
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This is a difficult issue that I can relate to all too well! As Rebecca wisely said, charity is key. It is not the gift you have to look at but the person behind it. Your mother's and your husband's feelings are far more important than towels or a pan or your decluttering agenda. Just put yourself entirely in their shoes - the effort they made to go out and buy the gift, wrap it and give it to you. Think of their great expectation and anticipation in pleasing you with the gift. No one buys you things to annoy you even though it may feel like it - they are trying their best to delight you and show their love. It is really hard. In the case of your dh, you should really make the extra effort to lovingly accept what he gives you. You of course can't undo the past, but you can learn from it and ask for the grace not to make the same mistake again. It is important for your marriage to accept his provision for your family, even if it doesn't match or is not exactly what you would have chosen. Eventually he might stop buying you anything, feeling like he can't please you. Husband's need to feel appreciated and respected for their decisions. Maybe you could learn to make cheesecake in your new pan, or a chocolate torte! Paul said to give thanks in all circumstances. It's not easy, but it really does make for a happy heart.  
I will say a prayer for you to lovingly use your springform pan and you can say a prayer for me that I will lovingly tolerate the porcelain doll my mother gave my dd..... 
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alicegunther
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| Posted: Dec 19 2006 at 11:17pm | IP Logged
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Lissa has written a very useful series on the Lilting House called Best Gifts for Homeschoolers. You will find many wonderful suggestions for your mother and husband, including family memberships to local museum!
My inlaws make Christmas a breeze for us by giving a very generous financial gift to each child ($50 per kid), asking each of the parents to purchase the gifts to be opened Christmas Day. It is so wonderful to be able to get each of my children exactly what I know they will want (and what I do not mind living with). With seven children, their generosity gives me $350, which is almost more than I can spend. This year, we are hoping to use some of the money toward family memberships and some of the other fun things Lissa suggests.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Dec 20 2006 at 8:07am | IP Logged
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Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I know in my heart that it is the giving thought that is important, not the gift itself. I just get so frustrated when I am receiving things I don't want even *after* having discussed them with the giver. With my dd's food allergies, it may be years before a cheesecake is ever made at my house. I feel like I am speaking into a void.
I will refer to the Best Gifts For Homeschoolers list and make notes... and keep praying...
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Jeanna
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| Posted: Dec 21 2006 at 11:46am | IP Logged
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I am thankful for this thread. It gives me a lot of insight into gift giving, and my dh in particular. This is something dh and I have discussed at great length in the past. He has made some points that make sense to me, although I can't say I totally embrace his way of thinking.
He thinks gifts should be given very thoughtfully so that you don't give someone something they don't like and will clutter up their life. The result is that he hardly ever buys gifts for anyone, and rarely appreciates gifts given to him.
He doesn't like the idea of giving money or giftcards because the thoughtfulness is not there. He also pointed out that if I give my sister $20 for Christmas and she gives me $20 for Christmas then it's just an excuse to go out and spend $ on ourselves.
He doesn't like the idea of having a wish list also because that takes out the thoughtfulness of the gift. He will consult others as to what someone might like though.
On my side of the family godparents give gifts to their godchildren and we also draw names and do a gift exchange. My mom, aunt, and I act as consultants for what our children might like. Dh and I are not in the gift exchange since we have kids.
On dh's side of the family they used to draw names, but stopped. The grandparents give small gifts to their children/spouse and grandchildren.
I like to send a little something to everyone if I can think of something I think they would like. We live far from family and I think it helps to keep in contact with them (especially the children) if we send gifts. There's something about the tangibility of a gift that makes us present in spirit more. I don't know if that makes sense, I am having trouble fittint the words to my point of view. For example, the aunts and uncles who I rarely saw, but remember well from the few times we met in my childnood and feel sort of close to were the ones who sent a birthday card with $1 in it or a little gift that kids my age were interested in.
For Christmas I try to give a family gift such as a CD or book all the kids will enjoy or this year I sent Clarisa's cookies (which I learned about in another thread)to dh's brother's family.
I really like the idea of giving a donation in your name to an organization or enrollment in masses for a year. Especially for adults who are harder to shop for and don't get the same "thrill" from unwrapping gifts as the kids to.
Sorry this has gotten so long, I didn't mean to go off on my own little tangent.
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Jeanna
Mommy of 7 arrows.....
dd11; dd9; ds7; dd6; dd6; dd4; ds3
"There is only one tragedy in the end, not to have been a saint."
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mary theresa
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| Posted: Dec 21 2006 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
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Melinda,
I understand where you are coming from -- in general anyway . When something is really important to you and you feel like no one sees how much it matters to you, it's so frustrating. I know how this is, except my problem is I can't bring myself to say anything because I'm afraid of hurting others feelings, then I just hold my frustration in and that's not good either.
I hate getting my feelings hurt and remember hurtful things FOREVER much as I try to forget them and go on,  so, consequently I am always worried about others feelings. But (and not in any way to disagree with what others said!) I think that it is possible to cater too much to others feelings. I know that perfectly charitable, kind, yet firm "this is where I stand" talks from others have hurt me where I know that my hurt is what needs to be fixed and NOT what they said. Sometimes hurt feelings can be self-indulgent or self-pitying and we can't always tiptoe around. Sorry -- not sure if I'm being clear! Please don't think I'm saying that your husband or your mother are self-pitying! I'm just making the point that while being considerate and kind is important, it is not always the most important thing.
Anyways, I don't know if I am helping at all, but I guess I am trying to say that kind and charitable honesty is underrated sometimes. When something is really important to us, and swallowing it just makes us angry, then it is okay to say "I'm so sorry if this hurts your feelings and I really appreciate that you ... , but this is how I feel when you ... and I just wanted to get this off my chest and let you know." You could phrase it like "yeah, I know this is weird, but it's just this thing of mine -- will you be so good as to understand?" As an example, this works with me talking to my husband about PLEASE not leaving clothing all over the bathroom floor!
So, all in all, I think you should keep up your honesty. If clutter and unwanted stuff make you so frustrated, you should be honest about it -- especially with your husband.
A quote I thought of in reference to this whole honesty thing:
St. Theresa of the Little Flower said, (I'm sure so kindly and with a smile ), "If I'm not loved, that's just too bad! I tell the whole truth and if anyone doesn't wish to know the truth let them not come looking for me!"
God bless! And good luck!
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Sarah in SC
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| Posted: Dec 21 2006 at 2:42pm | IP Logged
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SeaStar wrote:
| With my dd's food allergies, it may be years before a cheesecake is ever made at my house. |
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Perhaps you could make one for someone else--your mother?--and give it as a gift. Maybe it would help show your Mom that you're using the gift she gave you to give back to her.
Just a thought.
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Happy wife to Tom and mama to Mac, 12, Hannah, 8, Rosemary, 6, Luke, now 1! and the 9 little angels that Mary is rocking.....
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almamater
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| Posted: Dec 21 2006 at 10:16pm | IP Logged
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This is a topic that has been in the air around our house as well. I had fallen into the trap, with other relatives, of being rather particular about what gifts will be acceptable to us. Yet, the possibilities here are that we become ungrateful and perhaps prideful.
Recently my mother called to tell me there was a gift on the way and I should open it right away. She could hardly wait for me to get it; her excitement was bursting through the phone lines. I opened the package and found a lovely holiday sweater. Lovely, but not really my style at all. At first I thought I would never wear it because I couldn't feel comfortable in such a flashy item of clothing. But, I realized how ungrateful I was being and wore that sweater to Mass the next Sunday. I just thought of her arms wrapped lovingly around me when I wore it, I thought of how she so thoughtfully selected it for me and how happy it made her to have me wear it and enjoy it. I say that because with all of those fond thoughts in mind, I genuinely did enjoy wearing it.
If I received an item that I needed but that didn't quite fit the bill (the vacuum mentioned, for example), I would probably thank the giver for his thoughtfulness and ask if perhaps we could exchange it for something that had the preferred feature.
Keep in mind, too, that we are modeling the art of receiving gifts to our children. I certainly wouldn't like my children telling someone that they didn't like or want the gift that was given to them. We receive graciously and work with it from there.
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~jennifer in tx
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Erin
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Melinda
could you give your mum an ideas list of things that you DO need or would like, Ie. a book list A really tricky situation. Sometimes it can be done with tact sometimes its harder. I guess in my town most things come from the one shop that will refund without dockets so just quietly exchange when I can
I was caught out the other day when my mum asked where was .....? that she had given the dc a few years back I played innocent but dc blew it by announcing 'mum said it was clutter and threw it out' Dd moans" I really liked it, mean mum"  Total hoax dd never even thought about it after I tossed it.
It is a hard situation requiring balance. Good luck.
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Mrs.K
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| Posted: Dec 21 2006 at 11:27pm | IP Logged
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Just wanted to thank you, Jennifer, for sharing that beautiful sweater story! God blessed your efforts to be charitable, and feelings of genuine enjoyment followed. It does help to think of how happy you can make the other person just by using and appreciating their gifts.
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Katie
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| Posted: Dec 22 2006 at 12:00am | IP Logged
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Dear Melinda,
Reading this whole thread has given me much to think about. My dh has given me some doozies over the years, and don't get me started on my in-laws! This year I received two packs of cheap, cheap washcloths. I'll be using them for the baby's bum. At least I can actually use this year's present.
I love to buy presents and try to be thoughtful. It's frustrating when I receive something I can't use or don't need or is five sizes too big or whatever. Sometimes living along way away has it's benefits!! Whenever I get something unwanted, though, I always try to act as pleased as I can. I try and think how pleased I am with my childrens' homemade monstrosities. I love them and I'm genuinely happy to receive them. I try to muster up the same spirit when receiving all gifts.
Having said all that, though, I do think that in terms of your husband and the bath towels/vacuum situation I would have said something. I wouldn't do it right away though. First I'd express delight in the new towels or the new appliance, and then I would, after a few days, ask if it would be really offensive if I exchanged for a different color, please, pretty please? Well, I suppose we could repaint and retile the bathroom, but I was thinking that maybe some sage green and white towels would look great and would save us all that hassle...... I think there is a way to be grateful for a gift and still express that there is a valid reason why something really similar but a little different would be even more wonderful. It's all in the tact and the charm. I don't know your dh, of course, but I know that I could pull this off at my house with no hurt feelings.
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
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Mother of 5 in South America. No 6 due in April.
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teachingmom
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| Posted: Dec 22 2006 at 12:34am | IP Logged
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Erin wrote:
| I was caught out the other day when my mum asked where was .....? that she had given the dc a few years back I played innocent but dc blew it by announcing 'mum said it was clutter and threw it out' Dd moans" I really liked it, mean mum" Total hoax dd never even thought about it after I tossed it. |
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That's hysterical, Erin!
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Cheryl
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When I receive gifts from my Mom or my Dad or other relatives I act happy and grateful, even if I'm not. If I can't use something I'll get rid of it. I don't think they need to know. I received a CD I already had from my father and he even asked me if I had it and I said no. Isn't that lying? I felt so uncomfortable being dishonest. I brought it to a store and exchanged it for another.
My dh is different, I think, because we live together. I can't imagine being dishonest with him. When we were first married he bought me a necklace that cost a lot for us back then. He asked if I liked it and told me if I didn't that he'd return it. So I returned it. I never wear jewelry except for my wedding rings. If I acted happy about it I may have received jewelry every holiday. I think it's important that I be myself in my marriage. Maybe I'm way off base here, but I think getting so upset about someone not liking a gift you give them is emotionally immature. If my dh wanted to return something I gave him I wouldn't be hurt. I'd rather find out I was wrong bout what he likes and know him better. Am I rationalizing here?
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Dec 22 2006 at 5:32am | IP Logged
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OK. I think there is a way to be honest and charitable at the same time. It is *not* charitable (ie: loving) to be dishonest with someone because you're afraid you'll hurt their feelings. I certainly do *not* want to teach my children that it's OK to lie in order to appease someone else's ego, even if it's only at first. Maybe I am brutal, with no tact or charm, but I believe we'll want our children to be straightforward with us when they grow up, don't you agree?
I *do* think it is acceptable to let a child delight in a gift that someone has given them for a time and then declutter, as Erin put it. Only maybe we shouldn't tell our families in exactly those words. What I might have done, what I *have* actually done in the past, is talk with the child who enjoyed the gift in a direction that teaches her discernment. What is really good that's out there in this world? Is this necessary for our happiness?
And then there's this scenario. I was always against barbie being in the house. My mom and my sister sent barbies to my first daughter for her 5th birthday. After seeing how delighted she was, not only could I not be gracious, but I couldn't declutter them. With dd having another sister who is now 5, I *still* can't declutter them. I have tamed them down when they seem to overrun our house, but I can't completely get rid of them. Some battles aren't worth fighting.
My mom and dad, bless them, are sensitive to our differences. They send us money for ourselves and the kids. The kids received books this year (yes, we peeked) in addition. They are delighted with what they received.
God bless your day!
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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SeaStar
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Lots of food for thought here...
I feel like I want to continue to be honest with my close family, but yes, perhaps I could soften my initial reaction. In the case of the vacuum, I felt I had to speak up because it was expensive and, if we were going to spend the money, I wanted to have one I could use without causing my arm to hurt more.
I long ago asked dh to stop sending me expensive flower bouquets for my birthday, etc. We had a bad string of luck with delivered flowers dying within a day or two, and I told dh I would rather spend $60-80 on something we could all enjoy or that would last a little longer. At first he was taken aback (what girl doesn't love flowers?), but now he sends me an edible fruit bouquet, which we all love and can enjoy. That opened the door for me to be more honest as far as gifts, but maybe I have taken it to an extreme. I am not ungrateful for the thoughtfulness behind the gifts.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Help- I am Scrooge!
