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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Dec 18 2006 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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My oldest dd and I went last-minute shopping today.
She told me that she heard on the radio recently that there is a larger trend of people spending the holidays with friends rather than family because family is spread out so far apart.
The traditional Holiday time with family is becoming a thing of the past. It makes me sad.  Being a very traditional person, at first I was sobered by the thought. Then I realized how common it is really. It's been happening in my own household the past couple of years.
In addition to my family, my parents and brother, my grandmother, and my godmother; we have many who aren't bioligical relatives.
We'll have my best friend and her family because their family lives out-of-town and they can't afford to go every holiday. Their ds also has a friend from England who will join us.
We'll also have my oldest ds's girlfriend's parents because they do Christmas Eve as a family with their two grown sons and are left with just their unmarried dd on Christmas Day.
Right now I'm blessed that my dc are still with me during the holidays.
Yet I think of the day some of them might move. I guess, in the mist of the sadness, I'd be very thankful they had good friends who would invite them to join their family for the holidays.
I'm all for inviting outsiders' inside our home during the holidays.
How many of you do this?
What I'm questioning is---due to our society's changing values, broadening worldvision, and ease of transportation---if the trend towards friends vs. family is changing due to individual preference.
I hate to say it but it seems people get along better with their friends than with their own families.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
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Michaela
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| Posted: Dec 18 2006 at 6:09pm | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
How many of you do this?
What I'm questioning is---due to our society's changing values, broadening worldvision, and ease of transportation---if the trend towards friends vs. family is changing due to individual preference. |
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Being a military family, we experienced being away from family...and witnessed many who were alone during the holidays. When we weren't going home for the holidays (DH couldn't get enough time off sometimes) we would invite single soldiers over.
This year will just  be my family of five, my mom & her man friend, my two brothers, and their daughters. A total of 11 that I know of. VERY VERY small. Mom usually has anywhere from 20-30 people at her home, but this year she's in a condo and because I don't know when baby is coming I didn't want to create problems if she comes just before or on Christmas.
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| I hate to say it but it seems people get along better with their friends than with their own families. |
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 I have to agree with this. It seems more stressful to get together with my family and all that comes with it. My family is different than what I choose for friendships. There is so much drama that you can't just walk away, but have to deal with because they are family.
My brother who says antiCatholic remarks about worshipping Mary & getting my DH to say the "sinners prayer" --- my mother's manfriend who is JW who comments negatively when he comes to my house that I have idols & worship my crucifix.  My 8yo neice who tells my children her mother is planning to marry another women that lives in her home. Issues I would never have to put up from friends. We can pick our friends, but not family. I love my family, but it makes holidays....fake.
I've mentioned before my biggest prayer is for my family, my children to WANT to be with us. That we create a home life they enjoy & miss when gone.
As you mentioned, it also makes me sad to think they may grow up and rather stay away than be with us.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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LisaD
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| Posted: Dec 18 2006 at 6:13pm | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
I hate to say it but it seems people get along better with their friends than with their own families.
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This is true. The past couple of years we've been joined on Christmas day by a good friend, her dh and their four children. My friend is estranged from her family, and she and her family are as close as relatives to us. My parents also join us on Christmas, and they seem to love being around all the children.
My sibling and family and dh's family live too far away to spend Christmas with, and we don't like to travel away from home at Christmastime, anyway.
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Mama to dd(99), ds(01), ds(03) and ds(06)
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Martha
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| Posted: Dec 18 2006 at 6:15pm | IP Logged
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well, here's my experience....
my family is not christian or christian in name only. so they are out.
my dh is an only child and his parents get "stressed" aroung so many kids and don't want to do christmas with us. they will be spending christmas with her brother. which I suppose I have nothing against, it just boggles my mind that a mother wouldn't insist on spending christmas with her only son and his children??
I think many people are choosing friends in an effort to make families they may not have biologicly.
ETA: Let us not forget, the Holy Family spent that first christmas away from family and strangers too.
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Martha
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Dec 18 2006 at 6:22pm | IP Logged
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This is our first COMPLETE family reunion in 5 years (for Christmas, that is -- we were together last year for my youngest brother's wedding) -- so we're celebrating that, hubby's birthday, our anniversary, youngest dd's 5th birthday, AND my mom's birthday, with a party for 50 people who are non-family, but have become family in the short time we've been back in Cincinnati. i'm hoping having our friends over and my family seeing them will entice my parents and brother to move to Cincinnati sometime soon (one brother is already here living with us). they're all practicing Catholics, except for one family who we're hoping will convert sometime soon. Since we can't spend time with family most of the year, I'm just grateful that we have non-family with whom to celebrate our birthdays, etc. the rest of the year. But we're VERY picky about who we invite. If there aren't people around whom we genuinely enjoy having (and not fear that they're a bad influence on the kids) we won't have anyone over and just have a quiet Christmas by ourselves.
One very wise dad, my best friend's, INSISTED that his kids stay within 30 miles of them, even when they're married and have kids. So when one sister moved to NC (from NJ), the other families moved there too, including the parents. We're trying to brainwash our children to think this way as well, but we're giving them up to 2 hours away, so it's at least drivable. I can't imagine spending our retirement years traveling from one child to the other, which is how a lot of my parents' friends qand friends' parents are now spending theirs.
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stef
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JennGM
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I am blessed coming from a large family that everyone's morals and beliefs are the same. So family gatherings aren't stressful in that sense. Sometimes it is straining just having everyone together with different parenting skills, different personalities, etc. We're high spirited, loud, opinionated...we love each other, but sometimes everything isn't Hallmark perfect.
Our big problem now that everyone is married is getting together for Christmas. Our traditions changed about 8 years ago -- Dad and Mom got too tired to do midnight Mass AND open gifts. Since then my mother is struggling to find the perfect solution. I'm afraid there isn't. We just can't match all in-laws' traditions to find all the family to come together. This has been major friction every year now....my mother won't just announce when dinner will be and say "Ya'll come if you can." She's just too darn nice and wants to please everyone.
But we do have nice family Christmases. And because we enjoy our family times together, we have made a point if we know of anyone/friends who don't have a place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas (and Easter) to come to our house. We always have room for more. This year is no exception, as we are inviting a couple to join us.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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guitarnan
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Our situation is similar to Michaela's. We're military...we have been blessed with some wonderful friendships that began at our first duty station, 20+ years ago, and we share lots of holiday traditions with these friends. My family (and dh's) all live on the west coast, and we generally can't get leave to go that far during Christmas. (I keep hoping we can work things out, but I hate to go for less than 2 weeks. It's just too hard to see all the grandparents.)
What we've done, over time, is bring all our family and friends together at family celebrations (First Communion, military promotions, etc.), and now all our friends know our immediate family members, dd's godparents, etc. This Christmas we will be with two friends from our first duty station, one of whom will bring his mom (now a friend; she has spent time at our home when we lived in Italy), the parents of dd's godparents (amazingly, dd's godfather's uncle was my f-i-l's "firstie" at the Naval Academy...so we are actually connected to their family via the military!), and, hopefully, our choir director from (yes!) the first duty station's chapel. We may be able to host a high school friend of mine, too. No, they're not my parents (Dad visits tomorrow...thanks, Uncle Sam!), but we have shared so many, many joys and sorrows with these lifetime friends that they truly ARE my family members.
My own family, back in Calif., all started out Catholic, but many members have found themselves on other paths. We still have a great time when we get together, and it's wonderful to be able to get back there to share in family celebrations with them.
I must confess that I dread the idea of Christmas out west. It's really a logistical thing. I think all the relatives would parcel out our time there (to the minute) and we would not be able to plan the trip we want our family to have. That, plus the hassle of dragging all of our holiday traditions and packages out west, has kept me home at Christmas time. (Plus...I worked at an airport for two years...you couldn't PAY me to fly on Thanksgiving weekend, and Christmas isn't far behind...I know what it's really like!)
This year I was very glad to invite dd's "great-godparents" because after I called them I discovered they were going to be all alone for Christmas. How sad. One son (my dd's godfather) is in Korea and the other is several states away. At our place, they'll be well-fed, at least...hopefully they will have fun, too!
I do think that one comes to realize, as time goes on, that the chances to share family celebrations together aren't infinite. We will all come to that time when beloved family members aren't there with us. It's impossible for me to get to Calif. for all holidays, but it becomes more important each year for me to get there at least once...kids in tow...when you live far from grandparents, you have to make an extra effort to bring the grandkids to them.
Last thought...sometimes it's our friends who really need us during the holidays. In this era of broken families, many single parents are alone on Christmas, without their beloved children, because the ex has them. Our military friends might be alone because their active duty spouses have deployed. Our neighbors might be alone because their only child moved to Texas.
In my mind it's not a preference thing...it's reaching out to those we know, those who are in need...because, in the end, we are all connected. It's all personal. (If I ever wrote an essay for NPR's "This I Believe," that would be my topic...everyone is connected to everyone else on earth. It goes way beyond Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.)
Great topic. Very close to my heart. 
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Katie
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stefoodie wrote:
| One very wise dad, my best friend's, INSISTED that his kids stay within 30 miles of them, even when they're married and have kids. So when one sister moved to NC (from NJ), the other families moved there too, including the parents. We're trying to brainwash our children to think this way as well, but we're giving them up to 2 hours away, so it's at least drivable. I can't imagine spending our retirement years traveling from one child to the other, which is how a lot of my parents' friends qand friends' parents are now spending theirs. |
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Just goes to show how different families are. My Dad can't wait to find out where we're moving next so he and my Step-Mum can start planning their trip! They love visiting us and staying in the cheap hotel (our house!). Of course they miss us and the kids, but they know this is our life and try and embrace it and make the most of it. He just wants my siblings to spread out across the world so he can globe trot his retirement away!
We'll have a houseful of Peace Corps volunters again. It's always fun.
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Mother of 5 in South America. No 6 due in April.
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almamater
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We are rarely able to get together with our extended family for Christmas because not only do we live far away, but my husband is a church musician, so we are committed to be here for major religious holidays. My parents will usually visit, though, and my parents in law visit about every other year. I miss the big Christmas gatherings and am very grateful for our many friends.
More sad though: My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this next spring. I was assuming that we would be planning a big party (like the one we'd had for my grandparents). Nope. My parents don't want one. My brother was willing to plan it if they wanated it, though he told me 50th parties are kind of old fashioned and people don't really do those anymore. He also said that the younger generations don't really attend those anymore, or certainly wouldn't travel at all or plan around much to get to one. Well, maybe that is because staying married for fifty years is kind of old fashioned and maybe that is because people don't honor and celebrate couples enough who are married for fifty years...you know, like, with a party!!
Also, I was told when suggesting that I wanted to pick up a piece of locally made jewelry for someone, "that with all of the choices available these days, people really want to pick out their own jewelry and such. You really can't expect to buy a gift like that for someone and think that they are going to like it!?!?!" Well, if that's the case, I give up!! Good grief.
Sorry for the vent.
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mommy of ds(11),dd(8),dd(6), dd(3),& ds (6/08)
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kingvozzo
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almamater wrote:
More sad though: My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this next spring. I was assuming that we would be planning a big party (like the one we'd had for my grandparents). Nope. My parents don't want one. My brother was willing to plan it if they wanated it, though he told me 50th parties are kind of old fashioned and people don't really do those anymore. He also said that the younger generations don't really attend those anymore, or certainly wouldn't travel at all or plan around much to get to one. Well, maybe that is because staying married for fifty years is kind of old fashioned and maybe that is because people don't honor and celebrate couples enough who are married for fifty years...you know, like, with a party!!
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My parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary this past March. There are aspects of their marriage I don't admire, but they have always been committed to staying married (which is saying a lot these days!). We wanted to have a party for them, and knew they were a bit reluctant, particularly my father. They did "allow" us to give them a party, which turned out to be truly wonderful, and they were so touched to see who turned out to help them celebrate. We began with a wonderful Mass, in the same chapel in which they were married, celebrated by the priest who celebrated their wedding. Relatives turned out from all over the country, and they are still talking about how wonderful it was. I think my father thought it would be a torture to be the center of attention like that (and he's a very gregarious person--just doesn't like the spotlight), but he loved it.
All this to say, maybe your parents think it would be too burdensome for their children to have a party for them, and they're trying to spare you?
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Noreen
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~Rachel~
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| Posted: Dec 19 2006 at 12:44pm | IP Logged
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Well... we normall have my deceased MIL's best friend and her DH over... and this year we will have their son too. All of DH's family is dead and all mine is back home in England.
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~Rachel~
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Out-of-Family Guests
