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TradCathMom
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What little things do you do to be more loving and gentle with your children, yet still remain firm and strong in authority (vs the buddy ol' pal)?
Julie
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Martha
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they each have their own "day". this has done wonder to end many rguements and let them feel "noticed" and special.
Ever day on the calendar is someone's day. On their day:
they get the last cookie in the box
they get to pick the video
they get to pick the story
they go with dad to the grocery store
they get to sit next to mom
and so forth... basicly all those little things are theirs for their day.
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amyable
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Martha wrote:
they each have their own "day". this has done wonder to end many rguements and let them feel "noticed" and special.
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We do the same thing, and have started to add "helper" into that, as in: the child of the day will be the first I call (within reason) to watch the baby when I need to use the bathroom, help me transfer laundry, help me scrub potatoes, etc.
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alicegunther
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TradCathMom wrote:
| What little things do you do to be more loving and gentle with your children, yet still remain firm and strong in authority (vs the buddy ol' pal)? |
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I constantly remember how fleeting these years are. Sometimes, I'll look at a group of them playing and imagine myself watching a home movie of this scene many years from now. Wouldn't I want to run over and kiss each and every one without a harsh word ever spoken? Keeping this in mind helps me to remember to be gentle and kind to them at all times (well, most of the time).
Another thing I have done is experiment with the effect of tone of voice. If I bark out an order, the children are generally slow about carrying it out. If I make the same request in a gentle voice, looking the child in the eye with a bright, expectant expression, the order is more often carried out with a spring in the step.
If one of the children is dawdling or whining over an assignment, I usually say, "Honey, I understand that this is difficult, but I know you can do it and do it well. Let's see what you can complete in ten minutes." This works wonders because it gives a boost in confidence, shows the child that there is an end in sight, and removes the urge to dawdle.
I am also maniacal about training my children to speak to me in a respectful tone. If one of them sounds even slightly fresh in a response to me, I will always say (evenly), "Excuse me, please remember that you are speaking to your mother. Now I would like to hear what you just said in the proper tone." They are fairly well trained in this at this point, but it takes patience and consistency to establish.
These are just random thoughts on your question, and I am not entirely sure this is what you are looking for. With so many personalities in our homes, training, discipline, and gentleness are a full time job.
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LML22
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ONe thing I try to do is to smile at my children and look them in the eye. A smile can do wonders. I also do things with them. Not entertain them but include them in everything, smiling and talking all the while. I also do the fun, play things but it is always done after school and house work and they know those things are most important. Keep them close and enjoy talking with them.
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TradCathMom
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Thanks for your thoughts! I was trying to think of a few positive things to work on for Advent for better character building in myself!
(BTW, Alice, I loved your idea of the Advent cubes, we have been working on making them and it's been so much fun! We ended up mod podging paper squares with symbols and bible verses, sacrifices etc... to each side of the cubes, we also added some for the 12 days of Christmas.)
Julie
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Marybeth
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One thing that helps us is using a timer...for clean up, schoolwork, cleaning..it helps ds and I know at this point we will stop and then spend time together. I think they get frustrated by being put off..I don't mean you do this Julie. Just throwing out what I have observed in my own home.
One social worker speaking at our local Moms group stated that by physical contact (putting your arm around the child's shoulder,touching the top of their head,rubbing the back) can really calm both of you down and then you can gently lead and instruct.
Marybeth
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Martha
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OH! Along the lines of what Marybeth said..
I try to make a conscience effort to touch my older children. (which in our sick society sounds nasty to write  ) Once they are past the cuddley toddlers age, it's easy to not touch much, but it really effects the emotions. I have found that a tousled head, the shoulder squeeze, a quick hug makes a tremendous and instant impact.
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alicegunther wrote:
Another thing I have done is experiment with the effect of tone of voice. If I bark out an order, the children are generally slow about carrying it out. If I make the same request in a gentle voice, looking the child in the eye with a bright, expectant expression, the order is more often carried out with a spring in the step.
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I notice the same thing, and in fact, my almost-grown-up daughter has told me it has made a big difference to her through the years that I try hard to use a gentle, respectful voice. I notice that my children have acquired a habit of gentling their own voices when talking to their siblings (I'm not saying we do this perfectly, just in case you ever visit my house!) But the effort has been productive.
One related aspect is that my children know that when I AM using a more hurried or ordering voice, that it is serious! Either I am stressed or the situation calls for the more strict tone. They hop; but it works because it is unusual.
I use our Helper of the Week rotation as a chance to connect a bit with that child as well as ask for their help. It is a discipline for me since I hate to ask for help! But it has made a difference to them -- they know they are needed and the Helper rotation gives them a break from the routine jobs around here.
I am reading the Fundamentals of Homeschooling book that someone recommended and one thing she mentions is "protecting play time". Since then I have been trying to "protect our together time". Part of this is getting the work out of the way early in the day so I can be more of a mom in the afternoon with a clear conscience, knowing we are up to speed on chores and basic academics.
It is a neat thread idea. I certainly find myself balancing often.
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TradCathMom
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I love my timers! I have found as flylady would say "You can do anything in 15 minutes". I've been a little lax with my timers lately so I'll have to start that again!
Thanks again for all the great ideas! I love this forum, wish I had more time to kinda live here! 
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A little along the lines of what Alice said, but I sometimes think of things in terms of how they will relate them to others when they are older. How do I WANT them to speak of their upbringing?
One practical thing that helps me is to be more deliberate in my words and actions. If not, my mouth goes WAY faster than my discernment, and I end up loosing it. I also try to say "I love you" to the child in my head before I speak to him/her. Kind of like Jesus did to the rich young many who asked him what he had to do to follow Him. First Jesus looked at him and LOVED him, before He told him what He knew the man did not want to hear.
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Rebecca
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I struggle daily with speaking kindly, not because I feel anger towards my kids but because my own family spoke very bluntly, (eg. "Stop talking", "Chew with your mouth closed", "Wash your face", etc.) not necessarily in a rude tone but without any softening language. I try to remind myself not to be so businesslike and to use words that show the love that is in my heart for my children.
Another thing that has helped me is that when someone asks for something, I first say (inaudibly, to myself) "Yes, Baby Jesus". This helps me to soften my tone and speak to them kindly. The funny thing is that my older kids have caught me saying this out loud to the baby a few times. They think it is funny but it really helps me to be kind.
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Rebecca
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I guess I missed the authority part of your post. The kids and I do have a playful relationship. We sing and dance and play games together but they also know that I am their mom and that I am responsible for them. They also understand that God wants them to obey their parents. I try to follow St. John Bosco's ideals of being playful and spending much time in recreation with the children so as to earn their respect without having to demand it.
On occasion, I will do something similar to what Alice mentioned and remind them who they are talking to if they have gotten snippy or whiny. I am a big fan of "Do-Overs". If I do not like the tone or words they are using, I have them say it again until their tone is satisfactory (not whiny or rude). I also use this approach with faulty body language. For example, my 6 year old sometimes sighs and stomps his feet while walking away when I ask him to do something "completely unreasonable" like clean his room . I call him back and ask him to walk away politely. He usually catches on and realizes that he might as well change his tune or else he will "doing it over" all day long.
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alicegunther
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Rebecca wrote:
| Another thing that has helped me is that when someone asks for something, I first say (inaudibly, to myself) "Yes, Baby Jesus". This helps me to soften my tone and speak to them kindly. |
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Wow, Rebecca, that is one of the best ideas I have heard in a long time!
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MarieC
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These are such great ideas. I needed to read a post like this. We don't have a very good routine and as a result I'm often flying by the seat of my pants which usually results in stress and short-temperedness on my part. I've been working on this area and these ideas are great.
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TradCathMom
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MarieC wrote:
These are such great ideas. I needed to read a post like this. We don't have a very good routine and as a result I'm often flying by the seat of my pants which usually results in stress and short-temperedness on my part. I've been working on this area and these ideas are great.
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Hi Marie! Might I suggest what has helped me immensely? I am not a born organized person and I thought I went into this baby-thing thinking I was organized because my boxes of cereal were in size order. Well, God has a sense of humor and I had 8 babies in 11 years of marriage (the cereal boxes are no longer in descending order ) On top of born disorganized I have a very hot temper.
The first thing I did was organize my prayer life. I had a prayer life but it was always a scramble. So I set up our prayers which oddly seems to be around meals . Morning prayers before Breakfast, Mid-day prayers around lunch, evening prayers after supper. And then some in between (beginning of school, end of school or whatever) This helped alot.
Then it was setting up a routine to keep the chaos in a practical order and the home joyful. I'm the person St. Therese the Little Flower talks about who gets annoyed with those little things that are SO irritating. The rosary beads clinking on the pew or whatever.
We ended up building a house so we designed it so that it was easy to maintain on the main floor (no running around in a mad scramble if someone says they are stopping in). For me this means no clutter as *I* can't maintain clutter. I have not acheived "elegant simplicity" yet but I think my eyes are almost seeing it For me I needed to start with lots of empty space. Completely clear counters, clear coffee and end tables.
So our messy areas are the office and the school and toys. So we put those up in a huge loft. Stuff on the floor of the loft is not visible as a general rule to any place on the main floor. My BIG goal is to have those areas organized and pleasing to the eye (most esp my eye ) We're getting there.
For me it really helped me to keep a notebook, I struggled with feeling a sense of accomplishment (other than daily diapers and meals!) Each day I would pick a few extra things to just accomplish... this was for Lent one year. This helped me get stuff done and do a few extra things. Now my older ones can be very helpful!
I loved the reminder about "Yes Baby Jesus" so that is going to be my Advent "thing". It is easy to just say "no" I grew up with "No, that's not necessary". (nothing was necessary )
Another thing I've had to do is let go of my ideas. For example, we are doing Alice's Advent cubes (visit the O Nigh Divine blog) and my tendency is to want to do them *my* way so that they are more beautiful than say what the children might do (which is a funny thing as I don't even have a touch of beauty for such things) But instead we are doing them together. And it's been alot of fun. It's easier to maintain order this way and the older ones can help the little ones and it's ok if some of the drawings got a little smeared or something. Just like a choir, not everyone can sing beautifully but the voices blend and when the love of God is the main reason we do the things we do, the beauty shines out.
Those things have helped me. I still have a long ways to go in many (ok all!) areas but some things really help.
Oh and another thing that has *really* helped is this forum and Magnum Opus list. There are so many wonderful ladies who are so gentle and loving and faith-filled and I don't have that kind of support in daily life, it's very alone. So it helps to have *real* friends, on the same road, experiencing similar things but doing all for the Greater Honor and Glory of God.
Just a few thoughts.
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Cay Gibson
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I was reading this thread and it got me wondering about how you all handle your children when they get hurt.
Not so much the legitimate hurts which I believe we all respond to quickly and compassionately so I'm not referring to those times but the times they have been rough-housing and you have repeatedly said, "Let's settle it down a bit. Someone is going to get hurt."
And someone does get hurt. And it's always the same child. And it's always loud and vocal. No matter how many times you've told them to "settle down".
Do you frantically rush to aid them? (I did this with my oldest and I'm afraid he grew up with a fear of all things medical . Now it has produced a very cautious child---which is good in a way---but one who has to put on an overtly brave front.)
Do you kiss each and every booboo every single time??? I guess we should but I'm afraid the children see my exasperation when I have repeatedly told them not to stand on the bouncey ball and they still attempt to try their balancing act each and every day.
I have wondered if the loud, vocal crying and whining is a sign for more attention. I've used Sally Clarkson's approach with my middle child with much success.  But I was also raised that whining and complaining and attention-getting for tiny hurts did not get me anything. In fact, that type attitude was not tolerated at all. I find myself using the same approach with my children but, I find, it is too harsh and I'd like to change it. I remember what I felt was the cold-shoulder when I desperately wanted the attention and, I guess, was going about it in the wrong manner. But I was young at the time. I prefer Clarkson's approach but it doesn't seem to be working on my fourth child. I suspect that perhaps the loudness and vocalness comes during the times they need more attention versus none.
What do you all think? How do you handle this? How do you handle it with gentleness?
I mean, when the gentleness isn't working, what do you do?
I thought of starting a new thread for "kissing their booboos" cause I didn't want to hijack Julie's thread but then I thought this too falls under *the little things* that we do for love of our children and to correct attitudes and practice discipline of self.
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stefoodie
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I love the "I love you" and "Yes, baby Jesus" ideas!
Like Rebecca, I grew up with blunt language, so speaking to my kids in hushed tones is really foreign to me and something I've had to learn by observing other moms (Angie and Mary Ann (momtomany) are two great examples I look up to!).
In our household growing up there were two extremes -- either the maids did the work and so we grew up not having overcome the habit of laziness and just left the work to others, or when rooms got messy, etc., we got yelled at a lot -- it's been passed on through the generations, my grandmother was generally regarded as a shrill, angry woman (we all loved her to death, and she was in fact very gentle and quiet in old age, but when she was raising her household of 10 kids!....) .... so it's been a real struggle for me. I've toned down some over the years, especially after exposure to the women here and your examples, but I hope to take this Advent season to improve more. Those two suggestions seem very helpful indeed!
Julie, your post really spoke to me -- a lot of what you said ring true for me as well. Thank you.
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MarieC
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Julie,
So much of your post spoke to me...thank you for sharing your ideas. I'm printing it out to look over more thoughtfully.
TradCathMom wrote:
| The first thing I did was organize my prayer life. I had a prayer life but it was always a scramble. |
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I have just begun to try to do this and what a difference it has made. Your words are so encouraging to me.
Have a wonderful day!
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Willa
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Cay,
I grew up in a family where my mom didn't like kids to make a big deal about "owies". It didn't really hurt me much in the long run; she has saidn now that I'm a mom and can understand, that she often felt very ambivalent because she wanted to sympathize, but didn't want to teach us to be crybabies. This is still my default mode: "oh, come on, don't make such a big deal about it,"
But I've seen other moms -- and nurses at the hospital -- use the other approach with great success. They don't transfer worry to the child or be overly solicitous about the hurt, or give the child an excuse to have a meltdown -- but they give the child quite a bit of warm attention. "where does it hurt?" "Oh, I see" "well, can you move it?" "how does it feel now?" and so on, basically validating the hurt rather than dismissing it, but in a firm positive way. It's hard to explain, but it seems to work. Part of it is slowing down the pace and helping the child to take a pit stop and refresh himself, evaluate his own state of mind rather than take on someone else's (denial of pain or intense reflection of pain which increases it). The child usually ends up wanting to move on and you support the decision, but don't move him on before he's ready. Oh, it's frustrating trying to write it out, especially in a hurry! -- but again, it doesn't seem to breed over-caution -- it seems to let the kid deal with his trauma and then move on with life in a good way.
My older kids will often try to rush my "crybaby" or dismiss his hurt -- "Oh, that didn't hurt, you're making a big deal over nothing" and that seems to just lock him into increased expression "I'll show YOU -- it really IS a big deal." So I'm not sure if dismissing the pain really works for those kids who DO experience a lot of pain mixed with frustration and annoyance during those scuffles of life.
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Willa
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: The little things
