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Topic: Discipline/Parenting books - hits baby

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Genevieve
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Posted: April 28 2005 at 11:53am \| IP Logged

My oldest is 2.5yr and we are starting to get issues. He's not mean spirited but I can't get him to understand it's not alright to hit his baby brother's head. Sometimes Christian and Baby Blaise actually thinks it's funny until he gets too rough. There are other examples of behaviour which I would like to change but don't know how. Christian seems to want to test his boundaries a lot. *sigh* I grew up in a very strict family and currently know only one method of dealing with this behaviour, which is to use fear tactics and physical discipline. I currently am trying to be gentle yet firm but maybe I'm going about this the wrong way; Christian is still testing. I could go on and on but I think this is probably my biggest parenting issue.

Can someone give me any advice or perhaps recommend a book to read? I feel like I finally got a good handle during the first few years but looks like Christian threw another "curve ball" at me

Genevieve

julia s.
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Posted: April 28 2005 at 12:58pm \| IP Logged

I don't know I might be harder than some on this board but I use timeouts as a punishment if all else fails. Or I take away a privledge. Make sure he understands what his alternatives are to hitting the baby. Show him the right way to touch. If he's doing it to get a reaction out of you or to get your attention you might want to address that by being calm and simply redirect his attention. Let him know what he did is bad, but also give him another way of getting your attention. Play knock-knock jokes. This is interactive with you and he'll find it fun to come up with silly ones on his own to keep you laughing. Empathizing goes a long way.

Also, if he should start biting never say the word biting because that's just too loaded a word -- simply say don't put your mouth (or teeth) on your brother. Always when they do a wrong behavior for the first time make sure they understand it's wrong. Sometimes it just never occurs to them that hitting and biting is bad behavior.

Also try to keep them separate for a day just to try and establish new routines. Sometimes that stimulus response mode we all can get into has to be broken and a new routine established.

Just some thoughts. I hope it works out. I've got to run.

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Courtney
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Posted: April 28 2005 at 1:18pm \| IP Logged

I have used a book called Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Charles Fay. I took a class when my youngest was about 9mths old. It is all about natural consequences given with love. The belief is that punishment doesn't work but learning by natural consequences does. I have found it to be very effective with my children. For example, if your child hits the baby, he can no longer be with the baby (for so many minutes). I agree with Julie on time out. My ds really disliked being put away from everyone. This too can be a natural consequence. If you hit someone, they won't want to play with you -- since the baby can't get up and walk away, your son must be taken away from the baby.

Another point made in Love and Logic is stating things in the positive such as, "I'll be happy to play with you when your hands are to yourself." Or as I have had to use many times lately, "I'll talk to you when your voice is as calm as mine." Of course, I have to remember to keep my voice calm!

Good luck!

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Courtney in Texas
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,Christopher 4/00

and Connor 11/11

Genevieve
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Posted: April 28 2005 at 10:44pm \| IP Logged

Okay... I tried the time-out today and well.... it worked kinda. He cried for the entire one minute and was quite hysterical at the end of it.

Then he was scared to come near the baby.

Courtney: So is Love and Logic like giving a positive/loving consequence to positive behaviour?

Thank you for your suggestions; I'm going to try a few of the other ones.

Genevieve

mary
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Posted: April 28 2005 at 10:54pm \| IP Logged

Love and Logic is an awesome book. Greg and Lisa Popcak also wrote a wonderful book called Parenting with Grace. I have read MANY parenting books and those are probably the two from which I gleaned the most/best parenting skills.

I wonder if your ds has a baby of his own? Each of my boys (they are both big brothers) have their own doll baby. When there were babies in our home, my sons both nursed their own babies and emulated my behavior.

julia s.
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Posted: April 29 2005 at 8:42am \| IP Logged

Genevieve wrote:

Okay... I tried the time-out today and well.... it worked kinda. He cried for the entire one minute and was quite hysterical at the end of it.

Then he was scared to come near the baby.

Courtney: So is Love and Logic like giving a positive/loving consequence to positive behaviour?

Thank you for your suggestions; I'm going to try a few of the other ones.

Genevieve

Sorry Genevieve. I didn't mean to make it worse. My youngest doesn't need much of a reaction out of me to get the message that something is wrong. And I couldn't do timeouts until he was close to four because just simply saying that I was not happy with what he did (in a nice voice too) caused him to have a complete break down. (I only started the timeouts because he has a bad temper and tends to scream stomp and hit when he's mad he needed a place to cool down).
If he's afraid of the baby maybe after a day just show him fun ways to play with the baby or just play alone with him and let him know your still buddies. It's ok if he doesn't like the baby now. My oldest didn't like his brother when he was a baby, but now even with almost four years separating them now they are best
friends.

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julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1

Genevieve
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Posted: April 30 2005 at 8:44am \| IP Logged

Julia,

that's okay... parenting is about experimenting. Christian is back to his oldself with the baby. I'm going to try the doll idea....he always did like big bear

genevieve

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