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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: Oct 23 2006 at 4:35pm | IP Logged
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I have been finding myself in conversations where people are wanting to tell me about their decisions to go on birth control. Maybe because I'm pregnant???  Anyway, it was only a little over one year ago that my husband finally understood why I didn't want to use birth control and why we shouldn't. I didn't understand until about two years ago (we're a little slow).  These women are not Catholic. I don't say anything. I don't agree with them, but I walk away thinking, "Should I have said something? Was that an opportunity to be a fisher of men? What should I have said?" It's a very uncomfortable subject for me, especially since I just strated putting my trust in God on this subject two years ago.
Any words of wisdom???
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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ladybugs
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Jennifer,
I frequently get this as well and I often have the same response as you.
I don't know if people feel like telling me because it's heavy on their heart?
I don't have much advice. I kind of take it on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes, I have said, depending on how receptive I can perceive the audience, I mention the reason the Church teaches what She teaches and why I believe it...
I don't know if that helps. I'm interested in how others handle this...
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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Patty LeVasseur
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Jennifer,
This is a tough one. I would guess that the reason these woman are having these discussions with you would be because you are pregnant and you already have (the standard ) two children. It can make people uncomfortable and feel they have to justify what they are doing. So my guess would be that these women are already a little defensive and so I would think you would want to tread lightly. I think maybe rather than talking about the evils of birth control, you might be better able to reach them by talking about how wonderful children are. If you make a comment about how excited you are to have baby number three, it might plant a seed in their minds that babies are a good thing. And it might start a discussion that can lead to you explaining your "new discovery" about birth control.
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Patty
mom to four blessings
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Betsy
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+JMJ+
I couldn't agree more with Patty!
However, when I do talk about ABC with people I usually focus on the health aspects of it. Health is a common ground for everyone...we all know what it means to be sick. SO, I stick with that rather than religion or morals.
Learn some "health facts" to interject if possible in your next conversation. I think it's a very powerful seed to get people thinking that maybe they don't have the whole truth on this matter.
Betsy
P.S. One thing that I use is from Janet Smith's Contraception: Why Not? I might say something like; do you know that at one point in time they were developing a male pill? But, they stopped after one male has some slight adverse reactions. BUT, they continued on the woman’s pill even though some women died!
Or, did you know that 500 woman a year die from being on the pill. I can't believe that doctors don't tell woman that.
Okay, you get the picture.
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Michaela
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Betsy wrote:
Or, did you know that 500 woman a year die from being on the pill.
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A little rabbit trail...After reading your reply, I googled "How many woman die from the birth control pill?"
Top hits were all Margaret Sanger the hero for contributing to the invention of the BCP, saving women from having to die while giving birth to ## of children or abortions.
Also, a twisting of scripture:
"The oldest forms of birth control, with origins in the Bible, were the withdrawal and rhythm methods."
With no mention of what happened to Onan.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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teachingmyown
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I think the health aspect is a good one. I usually throw in something about the blessings of children and about God's plan being better than mine.
When someone talks about sterilization, a good comment to make is "Oh, I am so sorry for you." or "That is so sad." Really makes them think!
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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St. Ann
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Both my brother and bil got vasect. in this last year (4 & 5 children respectively) and their wives spoke openly about it to me, which made me believe that they really didn't know that it is against Church teaching. They all grew up in the Church, but unfortunately there was not much 'Catholic culture' to be found in the home.
I also did not respond. What could I say?
A little story.
While pregnant with dd4, a kindergarten mom made some snide remark to me about having 'too' many kids...A few months later I noticed that she too was pregnant with her 3rd and she avoided me like the pest. I later heard her say that she was using an IUD! Praise God that the child survived! And she loves that child of course.
Stephanie in Germany
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Betsy
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Yes, I have had MANY conversations about people who have just had or are contemplating vasectomies. I always appeal on the health issue on this one too! Here is a great website-Don't Fix It to help get “sound bits” to plant seeds. (THIS IS NOT TO BE LOOKED AT WITH LITTLES AROUND)
I usually talk about how after you have the procedure is complete the sp**m are still being produced and need somewhere to go…then I go into the research that point health issues faced with this.
Betsy
P.S. Isn’t it amazing how people can say the Church has no business in our bedrooms, but everyone feels the need to share with you their methods of limiting births. Unfortunately I can tell you almost all of these practices of my neighbors or acquaintance! Certainly I am NOT looking for this information
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PDyer
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My brother and sil announced this weekend they are expecting their third child. I was excited, of course, and mentioned the pregnancy to another family member who responded, "Don't they know what causes that?"
I was dumbfounded. I have two children so I haven't had that comment made to me directly, so I stumbled a bit responding to him. All I could think to say was I'm quite sure they know what causes that and they are thrilled and I would be thrilled to have the gift of another child. More conversation ensued which can be summarized that he didn't agree, especially with the idea that *I* would be open to having another child. The conversation left me with a terrible pit in my stomach.
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Jenn Sal
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I want to thank everyone for sharing your stories and information. I am much more comfortable focusing on the health issue side of it.
We have two children. My husbands family was so surprised when we had an early miscarriage last December and then announced we were pregnant a few months later. The average is two on his side. We are the "odd" ones. But I do find it interetesting that his mother is the oldest of four with the youngest born when the mother was 41. His father comes from a family of five. When I ask them why they had two children it is all because of financial reasons. Sad.
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Jennifer, Texas
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hylabrook1
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When I hear people say the Church needs to stay out of their bedrooms, it seems like a major contradiction. Isn't God/our Faith, etc. supposed to be "life-giving"? It makes you wonder how they describe "life".
It's such a *partial* way to look at life -- I will be life-giving here and here, but not there. Also, that whole question/comment about "don't you know what's causing it" ARHG!!! Is that supposed to be *cute* or something? I have heard it toooo many times, as I'm sure many of you have as well. Some perverse streak in me has been known to reply, "Of course; why do you think it keeps happening?", but then I guess I'm not being any better than those who make the first comment...
Just needing to vent...
Peace,
Nancy
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Maddie
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hylabrook1 wrote:
Some perverse streak in me has been known to reply, "Of course; why do you think it keeps happening?", but then I guess I'm not being any better than those who make the first comment...
Just needing to vent...
Peace,
Nancy |
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Love it! My VERY mischievous girlfirend when asked "Are you pregnant AGAIN? (#8)" by a horrified acquaintance, she replied "YYEEESSS, YOU'VE seen my husband!" said while fanning herself melodramatically. 
My take on this question was the same as above, why do these people think we WANT to know that private info about them? For crying out loud, service tech's who come to my home and see our brood immediately give me the details on their contraception...blah. I usually respond with, "Oh! You don't want more children? How sad!" Not exactly tactful but I feel attacked sometimes for my "choice", and it ticks me off when they discuss not wanting more children in front of my children. How tactful is that?
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Lisbet
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OOOO, my perverse streak has tempted me to answer the "don't you know what causes that?" question with "Um, no, would you mind explaining it to me, and slowely please, I want to make sure I get it all".
My husband, on the other hand, has replied to those annoying comments with some doozies!
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Jeanna
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Thanks so much for this thread! I have been struggling with this same issue. It has been very helpful to read all the replies. I have thought about keeping a journal to write down every good reply I hear and studying it so that they are always on the tip of my tongue. So far I haven't gotten too many nasty remarks though. People often assume my first 2 girls are twins (18 months apart) especially since I have 5 month twin girls. I'm considering getting the Before You Even Ask T-shirt, but I'm not sure I'd want my kids to read it.
God Bless,
Jeanna
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momwats8
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I must say that it puzzles me that my s*x life is open to public discussion just because I have lots of children. I do not ask them and I do not want to know and yet everyone feels free to delve into what I do and do not do. I have learned from others painful experiences - those who have only a few children - that we never know what is going on and so we shouldn't judge or ask. Yet all the time I get lots of comments and explnations about why they can't, wont' ,don't etc. Or why I shouldn't. It is sometimes frustrating. I guess it is just another cross we must bear.
I have to say that we have thought of a few good replies ourselves because we have heard it all from You must be soo patient, and I can hardly handle my two let alone 8, to Don't you have a t.v? and do you kow what causes that ? ....I am sure you have heard them too. My favorite is -Oh - You certainly have your hands full. I reply with - better full than empty. That usually leavs them quiet.
Thanks ladies for being open to life and to God in your homes.
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Mary- Wife to Mike and Mother to Austin(92), Mikey(95), R.J.(97), Benedict(98), Kolbe(00), Ignatius(02), Christian(03), Margaret(05),&4 angels in heaven
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Jeanna
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momwats8 wrote:
My favorite is -Oh - You certainly have your hands full. I reply with - better full than empty. That usually leavs them quiet.
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I love it! I hear that the most and never know what to say other then to agree with them, but that leaves me feeling like I've failed to share the joys of being a mom.
God Bless,
Jeanna
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Lisbet
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Jeanna, A friend of mine bought me that T-shirt a few years ago, and I do wear it once in awhile. My kids get a kick out of it actually. They hear it all the time too, and the older they get, the more intersting our discussions after such encounters get. Once though, I was wearing it and I went into the grocery store alone. (dh was in the van with the kiddos) I must have looked like a real weirdo with no kids with me! (about as bad as wearing a sling into the store w/o a baby in it, then deciding you can use it to carry a few gallons of milk... )
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
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Michaela
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I always wonder how families with many children handle all the attention. DH & I are open to how ever many God is willing to bless us with. We "only" have three and wonder what comments will come when this child is born.
I make a conscious effort not to say anything because as mentioned I don't know circumstances that lead to a family's size. I know plenty of woman who long for another.
While leaving church this past Sunday, my boys were running to our car, my mom made the comment "Better you than me." I just smiled without a reply. She later made the comment she never thought I'd have any children let alone going on #4....my children corrected her saying this baby is #5..we have one waiting for us in heaven.  Little does she understand (she knows) that we aren't having anything done permanent. (Everyone thinks since I'm having a c-section it's the perfect time to get my tubes tied.)
My DH is the youngest of 8 children. He was talking to his mom about how we are looking for a house and it should have 4 bedrooms. She wanted to know why we would consider more children...she must have said more because DH said what do you want us to abort the baby?! 
No, her answer was put it up for adoption. ?????????
We've been married 18+ years....the only people on both sides. Most have babies by different daddies or different mommas and never get married.
When you're pregnant you are really "in someone's face" when it comes to your choice. Life is precious. People need to justify why they are doing what they're doing, even if you never asked.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Jenn Sal
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Ohhh, I am getting so much support here, I thank you all!
The other thing that comes to my mind while people are telling me about their bc are those who would love to have more, but can't. 
It's just a very tough subject to face. But, now I can think of all of you wonderful women while I'm standing there and not feel alone!
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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momwats8
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Jenn - good point about people saying they wish they had more. I never hear anyone say I had just enough or I had too many. I hear a lot of people say they wish they had more. It is truly sad.
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Mary- Wife to Mike and Mother to Austin(92), Mikey(95), R.J.(97), Benedict(98), Kolbe(00), Ignatius(02), Christian(03), Margaret(05),&4 angels in heaven
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Discussion about birth control
