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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 21 2006 at 4:39pm | IP Logged
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I've read in many of your posts that you minimize an awful lot of discipline issues by keeping your children close by and involved in what you are doing. 
I noticed recently from your sig. line that oldest is near the same age as mine. I was just wondering if he's still right next to you a lot of the time or if you have other strategies that are working to draw him into the heart of the family?
I'm struggling to find ways to keep mine engaged and happy alongside his siblings, especially since my next three are girls...
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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Bridget
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Keeping my children close has been one of my biggest goals in the last couple of years.
We all have our discipline challenges with certain children. Keeping them close just allows you to give direction and instruction BEFORE a bad behavior escalates or becomes a habit.
My older children certainly do not need this anymore, but we are so used to being together that it is second nature to us now.
My 13 year old is getting more independent and does not like being lumped in with the other children. He is not right near me all day. But because of the habits we developed earlier, he comes to me for conversation or advice often. He also has an 11 year old brother and they are good friends.
I mostly treat him as an equal at this point. When we do any group activities he is participating, but also setting an example and helping with the younger kids some.
He hates singing as a family, but will participate politely. We are going to switch this to evenings when dad is home.
His dad's example and participation in family activities has been crucial.
It's a tough age. They want to be men and they won't learn how from us moms.
They do need to break away a little. At the same time they need to be a good sport and be a gentleman for the sake of the family, and for their own character development.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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StephanieA
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<<<They do need to break away a little. At the same time they need to be a good sport and be a gentleman for the sake of the family, and for their own character development. [/QUOTE]>>>>
We have done a lot of homeschooling "together" in the last 14 years. My oldest 3 are boys and all have "broke" away at different ages. The oldest STILL (he's 19) enjoys read alouds and will linger sometimes after evening prayer if we are reading something "interesting"....at least for a few minutes. I think it has a calming effect on him. Once the 16 year old son hit highschool, he didn't have the patience with all the interuptions. He really wanted to be "on his own" completely. I saw this in his personality, and it was better for family dynamics to let him work independently from the younger kids. The 14 year old son would love to be included in everything, but I have had to say, "Go do your work." It is much more fun to be included in all the other children's activities with Mom than studying algebra and science on his own. Again this is his personality...very social and so much a people-person.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 22 2006 at 2:52pm | IP Logged
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Bridget wrote:
I mostly treat him as an equal at this point. |
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Wow. I'm impressed. My ds, at 13, is certainly a responsible kid, but he's nowhere near ready for this. I'm not just continuing to form good habits. I'm also dealing with some weeds that have snuck in and need to be yanked, but I realize that if I pull too hard, its going to break the good flowers surrounding, kwim?
I don't have a boy close to his age...the gap between my first and second is where I had two miscarriages, and my second is a girl. They play board games together sometimes, but aren't really at an age to be bosom buddies.
Do your children have much in the way of outside activities?
Bridget wrote:
When we do any group activities he is participating, but also setting an example and helping with the younger kids some.
He hates singing as a family, but will participate politely. We are going to switch this to evenings when dad is home.
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Hmmmmmm...I think I might need to focus on him setting a good example. He doesn't always "participate politely".
Bridget wrote:
| His dad's example and participation in family activities has been crucial. |
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Good point. Does your dh help with school, or is he involved in other ways?
Bridget wrote:
| It's a tough age. They want to be men and they won't learn how from us moms. |
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Sigh...its just not the same when they were all little. Sometimes I think I am in mourning, a little bit, for the days when they were all lower elementary. Its hard for me to balance and allow manhood to flower when I am very obviously not the best role model for manhood! 
I'm sorry for being so nosey. I am wishing very much I could be a fly on the wall these days. I feel entirely inadequate for the job ahead of me.
Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Bookswithtea
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StephanieA wrote:
Once the 16 year old son hit highschool, he didn't have the patience with all the interuptions. He really wanted to be "on his own" completely. I saw this in his personality, and it was better for family dynamics to let him work independently from the younger kids. |
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What did you do with him with schoolwork since he wanted to be so independent? Did you have other things that your family did together to keep him connected in other ways?
I've been thinking lately that instead of schoolwork, maybe dh and I need to find more ways to find other activities that draw us all together.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Bridget
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| Posted: Oct 22 2006 at 4:01pm | IP Logged
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Bookswithtea wrote:
Bridget wrote:
I mostly treat him as an equal at this point. |
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Wow. I'm impressed. My ds, at 13, is certainly a responsible kid, but he's nowhere near ready for this. |
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I guess equal isn't the best term. We still give him direction but allow him many decisions on his own. i cannot remember the last time he lost privileges for disobedience or disrespect.
We were talking about this after reading your post last night. We don't know if we are doing something right, or just got lucky with this kid, or what. Other than a slight hormonal blip earlier this year he has been a dream son. I always thought I was a 'little kid' mom but I am loving this stage. Maybe the other shoe has not dropped yet. 
The boys do have outside activities. They have such a need for action and competition. We are so blessed to have a homeschooling sports organization here. The boys and girls sports are separate and the coaches are these awesome hs'ing dads who I am glad to have as examples for my boys.
We have informal flag football in our yard with boys and dads this fall. There is a club for Catholic hs'ing boys and dads that meets to work on virtue training and play sports. (They meet in a gym.) My oldest goes to a weekly boys formation group with an order of priests and they always play soccer or basketball as part of their afternoon with the priests and brothers.
We have sought out, or organized boy activities, ideally that include their dad.
My DH is not involved with their daily schoolwork but has taken an active interest in the decisions about schooling and is very involved in the outside activities. He IS interested in doing our group Bible history and family singing with us.
I have also made a point to collect movies and books that feature heroic men of high virtue. I discuss the virtues and vices we see in men of fiction and in real life with them.
In the end, dad has the most influence though.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Oct 23 2006 at 6:31am | IP Logged
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Quote:
| In the end, dad has the most influence though |
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I am very intently following this thread. My oldest is 11, and sounds alot like your son Bridget. By God's grace alone, not my doing. I just don't know how to 'balance' his boyhood and impending manhood, you know. I'm clueless in this area.
Unfortunetly, dad is gone alot b/c of work. That leaves me with the minute by minute each day.
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StephanieA
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<<<What did you do with him with schoolwork since he wanted to be so independent? >>>
Stephen is a junior in high school. We do literature and poetry analysis together, sometimes with the help of a study guide especially if I haven't had the time to reread (or read) the book. This semester we have studied Dante's Inferno together and a Pat Buchanan book. I also make time to discuss his daily reading book at least once during the week. I also grade his English papers. We spend LOTS of time together here
His math, history, Spanish, and science is on his own. We discuss his religion: apologetics, saint bios, and spiritual and moral guidance books. This son works successfully independently, whereas my 14 year-old son needs much more grading and check-marking from me. But the 14 year-old is also more social and an absolute lovable teddy bear type of kid....always has hugs and compliments about supper, etc. for his mom 
The second son is much more quiet, interspective, and not so physically affectionate. I think he really needs some space from all the loudness and constant activity around here. Honestly as the oldest of 9 and my personality, I understand the need for some space and quiet too.
One thing that we have done to "keep the family together" for the pre-teens and teens is reading aloud short articles (current and otherwise) before or after nightly prayer. We tried this at the dinner table, but the little ones were too loud or interupted, and I needed to eat too So the little ones know when Mom is reading aloud after/or before prayer, silence is necessary. If the toddler is too loud, someone has to leave with him/her. The infant is nursed. But we read and discuss politics, religious issues, historical events, people, etc. Right now, I am reading aloud parts of Chesterton 101 and the "Gilbert Magazine". It gives me time to discuss/talk "adult" talk, and it helps form my teen's thinking. I need this probably more than they do since this is a good time for me think and reason too.
I read aloud books to the younger crowd during the day.
<<<I've been thinking lately that instead of schoolwork, maybe dh and I need to find more ways to find other activities that draw us all together. >>>
Absolutely! Teens, too, need a break from schoolwork. Their schoolwork is more intense and literally more work than grade school. But the younger teens always accompany us on family outings. The older ones do sometimes, but college work and jobs often separate us.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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StephanieA
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| Posted: Oct 23 2006 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
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An addendum....
This time of discussion at prayer time (although it is certainly not every night) has also been beneficial to my dh. While he is willing to help out, he rarely interjects academia into his activities with the kids or do we have much time to discuss current issues, ideas, etc. with each other. He will sit and listen and join in the discussion too. It has helped him in his faith journey as well as guiding him into right thinking also. He just doesn't have the time to go over these things with his work schedule, and I automatically encounter these subjects while homeschooling. We read everything from past Latin Mass magazine articles, newspapers, Teaching Company catalogs (where they print a complete lecture on a specific subject), books that I am reading - my time to narrate , Catholic periodicals and newspapers, etc.
The older boys will bring up topics from college or from NPR (the college radio station).
Overall it has worked pretty well, keeping the older ones connected with topics that need to come from me. Math, science, and languages can be covered by someone else until I have more time.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Bookswithtea
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Stephanie and Bridget, these are some neat ideas. Thank you for sharing how things are working in your home. I really appreciate it.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Bridget...a parenting question???
