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Genevieve
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I've come to realize that I am a prefectionist and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. I want it to stop. How does one cultivate a new habit? Somehow "just letting it go" isn't working. It's starting to affect my friendships and also my time with my children. How does one's will become stronger than one's flesh? It has been mentioned that perhaps I should not stay home. It pains me so because we truly believe that we are able to provide a better education for my children. But if I spend so much time seeking perfection than spending time with the kids, perhaps it is indeed better for them to be elsewhere.
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Genevieve
The Good Within
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Meredith
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Are you seeking it in ALL aspects of your life, or just the home educating portion?? I know for me experience in the passing years has helped me to "ease up" on myself and my dc in terms of what's reality and what's not as it relates to wanting to be perfect. I will be praying for you and hope maybe some others will chime in on what works for them. Blessings!
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Meredith
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MicheleQ
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Genevieve,
We ARE called to perfection but true perfection is that of conforming our hearts, minds and wills to God's.
I don't know the specifics of your situation but generally speaking "perfectionism" has to do with pride.
You need to look at the things that are causing you so much frustration and ask yourself WHY it matters so much. What's the goal?
Frankly I don't see how you're not staying home would be better. I can only see it adding to your stress.
How do we cultivate a new habit? By practice. By doing the thing over and over again until it becomes second nature - a habit.
How does one's will become stronger than one's flesh? By choosing it to be. It is an "act of the will".
And all of that can only be accomplished through prayer and communion with Our Lord.
St. Alphonsus de Liguori offers us these 50 Maxims for Attaining Perfection:
1. To desire ardently to increase in the love of Jesus Christ.
2. Often to make acts of love towards Jesus Christ. Immediately on waking, and before going to sleep, to make an act of love.; seeking always to unite your own will to the will of Jesus Christ.
3. Often to meditate on his Passion.
4. Always to ask Jesus Christ for his love.
5. To communicate often, and many times in the day to make spiritual Communions.
6. Often to visit the Most Holy Sacrament.
7. Every morning to receive from the hands of Jesus Christ himself your own cross.
8. To desire Paradise and death, in order to be able to love Jesus Christ perfectly and for all eternity.
9. Often to speak of the love of Jesus Christ.
10. To accept contradictions for the sake of Jesus Christ.
11. To rejoice in the happiness of God.
12. To do that which is most pleasing to Jesus Christ, and not to refuse him anything that is agreeable to him.
13. To desire and to endeavor that all should love Jesus Christ.
14. To pray always for sinners and for the souls in purgatory.
15. To drive from your heart every affection that does not belong to Jesus Christ.
16. Always to have recourse to the most holy Mary, that she may obtain for us the love of Jesus Christ.
17. To honor Mary in order to please Jesus Christ.
18. To seek to please Jesus Christ in all your actions,
19. To offer yourself to Jesus Christ to suffer any pain for his love.
20 To be always determined to die rather than commit a willful venial sin.
27. To suffer crosses patiently, saying, "Thus it pleases Jesus Christ."
22. To renounce your own pleasures for the love of Jesus Christ.
23. To pray as much as possible.
24. To practice all the mortifications that obedience permits.
25. To do all your spiritual exercises as if it were for the last time.
26. To persevere in good works in the time of aridity.
27. Not to do nor yet to leave undone anything through human respect.
28. Not to complain in sickness.
29. To love solitude, to be able to converse alone with Jesus Christ.
30. To drive away melancholy [i.e. gloom].
37. Often to recommend yourself to those persons who love Jesus Christ.
32. In temptation, to have recourse to Jesus crucified, and to Mary in her sorrows.
33. To trust entirely in the Passion of Jesus Christ.
34. After committing a fault, not to be discouraged, but to repent and resolve to amend.
35. To do good to those who do evil.
36. To speak well of all, and to excuse the intention when you cannot defend the action.
37. To help your neighbor as much as you can.
38. Neither to say nor to do anything that might vex him. And if you have been wanting in charity, to ask his pardon and speak kindly to him.
39. Always to speak with mildness and in a low tone.
40. To offer to Jesus Christ all the contempt and persecution that you meet with.
41. To look upon [religious] Superiors as the representatives of Jesus Christ.
42. To obey without answering and without repugnance, and not to seek your own satisfaction in anything.
43. To like the lowest employment.
44. To like the poorest things.
45. Not to speak either good or evil of yourself.
46. To humble yourself even towards inferiors.
47. Not to excuse yourself when you are reproved.
48. Not to defend yourself when found fault with.
49. To be silent when you are disquieted [i.e. upset].
50. Always to renew your determination of becoming a saint, saying, "My Jesus, I desire to be all Yours, and You must be all mine."
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None of this is easy. I am most definitely not even close. I understand the struggle and will keep you in prayer as well.
God bless,
__________________
Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Willa
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Thanks Michele, I was looking for those maxims without even knowing what I was looking for 
I have a kind of closet perfectionism. What helps me most is "opening up" my life. Whenever I start feeling bedeviled by perfectionism I seem to instinctively add another challenge so I can't fool myself anymore that perfection is achievable. Homeschooling keeps me jumping and so does having a large crew of kids. I don't know if this would work for people who are born organized and with high energy -- those people might end up driving themselves into the ground -- but it seems to work for me.
So in other words, "letting go" doesn't work for me either but the 80/20 Pareto Principle -- get the 80 percent done and don't worry so much about the last 20 -- seems to work OK when I remind myself to do it that way.
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Willa
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Take Up and Read
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ALmom
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No, Willa, if we start running around and around - God finds a way of letting us fall on our faces and then our failures humble us - and after some kicking and screaming we eventually get pieces of the message  - but in that case, homeschooling is perfect - lots of opportunities that force themselves on you -the realization slaps you in the face - "I cannot do this by myself", "my dc seem to learn better the more I stay out of it". The failures according to my standards add up - but then we have done what we really had to do. Your children teach you a lot!!!
Sometimes it is because we care so much and the pressures from outside to "produce" the best possible kids (as if they were tomatoes!)and the overwhelming responsibilities hit us - but perfectionism tries to do it all by self, instead of realizing that really is impossible and God will tell us what to do and help us achieve what He really wants us to accomplish. It takes me being brought to a total sense of failure before I wake up - I'm a very stubborn soul and have been homeschooling for 17 years - and still battle perfectionism, though progress really happens - and most of it due to homeschooling (that is the one area we just knew God wanted us to do so we stubbornly persist even as I panic and look at what a dismal mess I can make - but the mess has been our blessing. Hope this is clear, it is beginning to sound sort of muddled  .
Thanks for the list, Michele - maybe now lessons will be learned a tad more efficiently.
Janet
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Genevieve
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Thank you all for your prayers. Somehow it helps to ease my mind that with you praying, this struggle is a struggle that can be more easily borne.
Meredith wrote:
| Are you seeking it in ALL aspects of your life, or just the home educating portion?? I know for me experience in the passing years has helped me to "ease up" on myself and my dc in terms of what's reality and what's not as it relates to wanting to be perfect. I will be praying for you and hope maybe some others will chime in on what works for them. Blessings! |
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Perfection is the root of the problem that can manifest into different forms. For me, it's a belief that there is such a thing as a perfect product, curriculum, lifestyle, philosophy or even a perfect set of friends. It is this quest for perfection that compels me to seek it but may not nesscessarily act towards it. Perfection has been compounded by me believing that homeschooling gives me a false sense of absolute control over my children's wellbeing and education.
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Genevieve
The Good Within
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Genevieve
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MicheleQ wrote:
I don't know the specifics of your situation but generally speaking "perfectionism" has to do with pride.
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I never considered this angle before but as I pulled out My Catholic Faith, it becomes obvious to me
"Pride is an inordinate love of one's own excellene, an excessive self-esteem."
I have to learn to accept my limitations and realize that perfection is obtainable in Him alone.
Thank you for including maxims. They are indeed very helpful.
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Genevieve
The Good Within
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Rachel May
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Genevieve wrote:
| "Pride is an inordinate love of one's own excellene, an excessive self-esteem." |
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This sounds just like what I was taught in public school in "Project Self Esteem".  Now I'm having to unlearn it.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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Marybeth
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Genevieve,
You always start the most thought provoking threads...thank you.
At our children's homeschool gym class the other day, the moms were discussing different things to do with your children. I started to feel very doubtful and negative about what I was doing with ds. I was very down so about our life, our homeschooling, his work, etc.
I am really learning not to compare me or him to anyone else. Trying to focus solely on what God wants from our family. Easier said than done. I certainly wasn't remembering this last Friday. I want it to become a habit in which I can listen to someon and not start to panic and compare. It will take time...I know...hopefully it will start kicking in soon!
A priest in confession once told me envy comes from wanting what we perceive as something perfect in someone else. We should ask God to bless what others have and we don't. I am not saying you envy just that this bit of priestly advice has helped me.
I wish I had more to offer but be assured of my prayers. I think you are a wonderful Mom. Your blog is a delight to read. Your boys are very precious and they don't expect perfection from you! They just want you there to watch them paint,to play, to read,listen and talk with them.
God bless,
Marybeth
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Nina Murphy
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Dear Genevieve,
I don't have much advice. It's already been given here *perfectly* . But I do have this: you are not alone. I struggle with this as well; not in all areas, but in frustration, like you, over the homeschooling and over the home environment not being how I think it ought to be/how I would be comfortable with it.
Also, we learn "habits" and thought patterns in our developmental years as impressionable sponges and values are modeled to us. Cut yourself some slack (of course, which I can't cut myself... ) if you grew up in a "perfect" home with quiet and order and little mess. We are doing something SO radically different and it's hard to rewire the brain to accept it at times. Takes lots of prayer and abandonment. I don't think I'll ever rest until Heaven...I'm one of those restless types, like St. Augustine (our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee...). Always wondering, always considering, always analyzing........we just SO need to mellow out  but it is easier said than done.
I wanted you to know I'm with you.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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cathhomeschool
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I am a perfectionist. I didn't grow up in a perfect house (but I did grow up in a very loving environment). My parents weren't perfectionists and didn't push me in that direction, and my perfectionism isn't any kind of reaction to the way I was brought up either. It's just the way I am and have always been. My sweet mother constantly tells me to *let go* (of the housework, the expectations, the *everything* ).
For me, the struggle with perfectionism has nothing to do with a particular aspect of my life or area (like homeschooling). It is who I am, and what I deem as "perfect" is the goal in every area. Now when I was younger and didn't have as much on my plate, it was easy. Everything could be near enough to "perfect" and I could still be nice and loving and have fun. Now it is a bit tougher as my energy is low and responsibilities are greater. I don't want to be this way. I don't have the extra energy to spin my wheels at it either! The one thing that has helped me to let go of it all and focus on true perfectionism (ie. being the person that God created me to be -- trying to walk the path that He set before me and asks me to walk) is to remember Love. God is all love. When I am focused on perfectionism, I am very 'hard.' "We will do it this way, things will be this way because it is perfect." I cannot be completely loving and be 'hard' at the same time. Christ loved and calls us to love, and if I am focused on having the perfect (in my eyes) house, school, friends, whatever, then I cannot love my children, family, friends, self, or God with my whole heart (or even most of it! ).
As Michele said, perfectionism is pride. It is (in my case) having the audacity to say, "I know what is best. I know what is ideal." Yet I am human. I will never know what is best for me or anyone else. The best I can hope for is to try in love to humbly follow God's prompting in my life while at the same time letting everyone else to do the same.
Genevieve wrote:
| How does one's will become stronger than one's flesh? It has been mentioned that perhaps I should not stay home. |
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If you are truly a perfectionist, whether or not you stay home with the kids will not make a bit of difference. (If you are trying to "save" them from your perfect self, give it up! They'll get you when they get home from school! And the perfect curriculum doesn't exist, because every child is unique, and creators of curriculum are human and limited.) How does my will become stronger than my flesh? Well, I don't think of it in those terms where perfectionism is concerned. I use my "will" too often in trying to attain that perfectionism. So I focus on letting go instead. I focus on loving God by being gentle and loving to my children and family and friends and self. (I fail miserably all too often too! I don't want you to think I'm "perfect" and have this whole thing figured out! )
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Nina Murphy
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I don't disagree that perfectionism is aligned with pride in the spiritual life, but there is another important facet to those who struggle with this: God-given temperament. Have you read Personality Plus by Florence Litauer (or The Temperament God Gave you by the Bennetts)? Litauer labels the 4 Temperaments as "Powerful"/"Popular"/"Perfect"/"Peaceful" and I really like this classification as most people can identify with these broad descriptions at a glance.
If temperament is God-given, then it has a purpose in our sanctification and the best we can do is try to recognize how He made us and what He is asking of us now--- within our limitations and gifts. Our part is identifying our strengths and weaknesses and then doing our best to modify them. But those who don't relate to the "perfectionism" inner drive, might have a hard time comprehending how distasteful and torturous this tendency can be.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Willa
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I think perfectionism can come from fear. Many of my perfectionist friends experienced instability in their lives, even if their homes were basically stable. One of my sons went through a perfectionist period -- partly because of temperament, I'm sure, but also partly because we went through a medical crisis with his little brother when he was at a pivotal age -- we had to move temporarily, he had to assume a lot of responsibility and there could be no predictability because the health situation was such a roller coaster.
I think the fear leads to trying to control the situation. ... .circle the wagons, line up all the ducks in a row, vacuum-seal the environment so there are no surprises. So if this seems like a possibility, perhaps the solution is to address the fear -- acknowledge it and deal with its manifestations.
One friend of mine, who had a perfectly horrendous childhood and survived admirably but with some battle scars, tries to discharge her perfectionism on trivial little things rather than control her family and lifestyle excessively. She is a perfectionist about her towel folding and bathroom hygiene and a few other things like that but tries to keep the manifestations from damaging her relationships with her husband and kids. She prays a lot and also acknowledges that these little excesses are control issues, so the people around her can give her some leeway.
My perfectionist son also has learned to choose his battles and turn his perfectionism towards minimizing his perfectionism, if you see what I mean. Spiritual direction seemed to help him a lot.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Willa
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And I agree with Nina that the world needs some perfectionists. I admire my son and my friends and their battle to manage their temperaments, but I also admire their commitment to thoroughness and excellence. I think the world needs a variety of types but the job is to modify the tendency (whatever it is) and bring it under God's control. This requires grace and discernment.
I agree with Janette that sending the kids away may not be a solution. I have a lot of character flaws and homeschooling has helped me confront my issues, plus my kids have hopefully learned by seeing me battle my flaws (as well as succumb to them, pick myself up and try again). I think -- I trust -- these can be good life lessons for everyone concerned.
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Willa
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Take Up and Read
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Taffy
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Willa,
I think you've hit the nail on the head here. My oldest really struggles with this - probably due to his autism. As you've described, I think it is an issue of having control and gaining stability in a world that to him is very confusing. And it probably explains a lot of my own issues as well.
Thanks.
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Susan
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Genevieve
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Thank you all for responding! This has weighed heavily on my heart. There is some relief to know that I am not alone and maybe some good can come out of this. Like Janette said, when I was younger, I could reach "perfection" but now with a family, less is in my control yet the responsbilities and stakes (at least it seems to me) higher. But it is indeed foolish thinking that I am the source of all perfected outcomes.
Thank you, Nina for pointing out the different tempermants. I had forgotten about that and will pull it out to read again.
It comforts me to hear your support to continue staying at home despite my faults. Willa, you hit the nail on the head. I have indeed become a better person because to be otherwise causes too much grief for my sons. A grief I cannot bear to see.
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Genevieve
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Servant2theKing
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Genevieve, of the lovely name, and the desire for Good Within...you have received so many pearls of wisdom here. I can only add that as life unfolds, the Lord truly guides us closer to spiritual perfection, and further from the desire for earthly perfection, but it can be a slow process for some of us...thanks be to God that He allows us an entire lifetime to journey to Him!
Michele, Thank you for St. Alphonsus Ligouri's Maxim's for Perfection...Genevieve, thank you for referring to "My Catholic Faith"...such gems help us so much on the Pathway to Heaven!
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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Elizabeth
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WJFR wrote:
I think perfectionism can come from fear. Many of my perfectionist friends experienced instability in their lives, even if their homes were basically stable. ....
I think the fear leads to trying to control the situation. ... .circle the wagons, line up all the ducks in a row, vacuum-seal the environment so there are no surprises. So if this seems like a possibility, perhaps the solution is to address the fear -- acknowledge it and deal with its manifestations.
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Bingo! I heartily concur. If fear is indeed the root of your perfectionism, be prepared to work hard towards letting go of that fear and trusting God. I can't recommend the writing of St. Therese more highly as your first step...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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momwise
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Well Genevieve, I'm not a perfectionist but I have enough problems to make up for it.
You might want to ask your dh to lay his hands on you and pray for you specifically for an outpouring of graces for this area. My dh has had a lot of grace in this area since I've begun laying hands on him.
Willa, maybe your friend could try this as well?
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Perfection
