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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Sept 09 2006 at 9:27am | IP Logged
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Can we talk about this AGAIN?! Dh and I are at a crossroads trying to decide what to do with our teens and internet/IM/email.
We run XP so everyone has their own account and the teens have their own internet/email at this point. We run cybersitter and it is doing a good job filtering right now. EXCEPT, I found yesterday a file in 15yo ds account that step by step showed how to disable CS and also to delete logs. sigh. This file was created in March and we have had a couple occassions with this ds where he was in trouble for talking to someone online we didn't know or trust (most likely the person who gave him this info). We tried restrictions from this person and then eventually told him ABSOLUTELY no contact with him and I set CS to filter him, all his names that I knew and websites. I really don't know FOR SURE if ds is using this info anymore, but I have to assume he is because his logs are often blank and someohow on his acct he can get past some of the other security features of CS.
Anyway, like we talked of before, this really puts division between Alex and I. Since dh does not use the computer at all, Alex sees any restrictions as from ME alone. He does not trust me, due to CS and it's logging feature and b/c I have looked for and found things on his account and in his room.
Fourteen yo ds has just gotten into this IMing and internet. He spends his internet time looking up stuff about paintball guns. But he's been chatting with some local kids and although it hasn't been BAD these kids definately have more focus on girl/boy rleationships than I would like. And the saddest thing I found out this week is that a hs girl in our group has been sending emails with surveys and such and I read a couple after an alert by another Mom and was disgusted. My 14yo doesn't need to read 44 ways to make your woman happy?! I did send this girl an email and told her not to EVER send things to my ds like this. sigh. double sigh. I feel like my 14yo ds has been having his innocence chipped away piece by piece.
The 17yo chats a bit and gets online to look at guitar sites, music and such but our filters frustrate him so he really doesn't spend much time anymore.
I get online EVERY morning with my coffee. ;)
Dh has asked about gettting rid of the internet completely. He sees it as a burden and a full time job for me. I'm not sure this is the answer. Or do we get rid of IM, have everyone on one acct?
Anyone feel like talking about this AGAIN?! ;) Sharing what you do? Setting me straight?  Praying for wisdom, strength, discernment, you name it...
Theresia
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Willa
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| Posted: Sept 09 2006 at 7:27pm | IP Logged
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I am praying, Theresia.
What Jane said in her post in the last thread really rang with me. I would hate to police my kids usage with all those cybernannies et al -- for some kids, particularly the kids who needed the supervision most, it would feel like a challenge and I wouldn't want to go there. I'd rather just dump the internet if there was a problem; maybe temporarily and then see how it goes from there.
No real wisdom, but I thought I'd bump the thread up anyway so maybe someone else can say something. I have a perpetual novena going for all our kids on this board.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Sept 09 2006 at 8:58pm | IP Logged
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I would so totally not let my kid on the computer at all if I ever found any evidence that he was tampering with a filter. That right there is evidence that he is blatantly doing something he knows is against your will. Dangerous territory there.
Sounds like your 17 yo is fine, but the others would be off. And I would not give up the internet. Why should you and your older son be punished for the younger dc indiscretion? Just make the computer hands off for the 2 youngers. If you have to, take the power cord off when you leave.
I know it will be hard and you will catch alot of flack, but this is serious stuff, here. Sometimes you gotta be the bad guy, as you know.
Be strong, we are praying for you!
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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Mrs.K
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| Posted: Sept 09 2006 at 11:22pm | IP Logged
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If your dh is suggesting that you get rid of the internet altogether than it seems like you already have your answer. Your children will then clearly see that the restriction is not solely your idea. It will be a sacrifice for you, perhaps even a great sacrifice for you, but what a witness for your children that you are willing to sacrifice in order to submit to your husband's wishes and to protect their purity and their souls. It is also a good example of 'cutting off' whatever is causing us to sin, however difficult it may seem at first. You can of course offer up the sacrifice for your family's sake. In your previous post you seemed to be looking for strong leadership from your husband and it seems like he's now providing it, you just have to follow his cues.
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Erin
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| Posted: Sept 10 2006 at 6:48am | IP Logged
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I don't have children at quite this stage yet however I have discussed this whole issue with a dear friend at length many times as many of our young hs are involved in MSMing etc and issues do come up. In fact at the moment I am dealing with this issue as I am hs my 14yrold sister and she is into MSM etc.
The conslusion that my friend has pointed out is that our children do live in a technological world and we have to equip them with right judgement, discernement and behaviour in these areas, this is our job like it or not. The same as we have to teach them correct choices in music, books, movies etc. Reluctant as I am to accept it I see it as very sound advice. It means that at times I have to take a deep breath and ask myself is it really important to make an issue over or not. However I would certainly consider your ds wilful hacking at filters an issue to make a fuss over.
No solutions for you  just commiserations. Tonight I was looking over lil,sis shoulder and I have to say I really don;t like a lot of the tone that they use when MSM, am I a fuddy duddy at 34? I think I am! It is like these really nice kids have to prove how trendy they are in their talk on the MSM. And a lot of the talk is inappropriate. I'm learning alot though, I believe I'll restrict my dc to emailing it seems to have a different tone. So having said I've accepted my friend's opinion I don't know if I really have. 
I don't see why you have to miss out on the support of the internet nor your oldest son though. And really ds14 shouldn't be punished for another's behaviour just monitor that girl and if it continues you can block her. I'm sounding disjointed as baby is crying and I must be off. 
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: Sept 10 2006 at 1:25pm | IP Logged
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Theresia,
What we do here in a situation like this is very simple. All forms of media are a privilege. Anyone who abuses that privilege loses it. For how long depends on the individual case. With the computers they are all password protected and only dh and I know the password. If they want to get on they have to ask and then one of us has to type in the password. Yes it's a bit of a pain but it shows them that we are serious about the limits we have set and we don't have to worry about what goes on without our knowledge. If I'm too busy to log them on and Dad isn't home - that's too bad, they have to wait. They know better than to complain or whine about it because that will just mean they don't get to do it at all. If I found any child tampered with a filter (and we do have them) they would be offline indefinitely. I know this may sound harsh but it's doesn't have to be done in a mean spirited way. We set limits and enforce them because we love our children and are looking out for their welfare. (I know you do this for the same reason of course!) They know this too because we tell them so. Keeping a calm and kind voice while making corrections goes a long way towards them being more receptive to it. Mind you I don't always manage that but I do try and keep my temper out of it.
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| I get online EVERY morning with my coffee. ;) |
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So do I (except it's tea for me) and I see nothing wrong with that. Granted I have a business to run and am often checking for e-mails related to that but the key is for them to see you using the internet responsibly.
You can get rid of the internet (and I DO think you need to consider your dh's opinion in this if he truly is serious about it) but it's only going to to be a bandaid on the real issues and because this is your child and you know him better than anyone I'm not going to speculate on what those might be. Maybe he needs more to do - more hobbies, interests, chores, time with you and/or dh, whatever.
Hang in there. I have found 14 can be a rough age with boys. Then again my current 14 yr. old has been a real gem lately - give or take. 
God bless,
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Michele Quigley
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Taffy
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Theresia
FWIW, I would recommend against getting rid of the internet in your home. At home, at least you can be around to glance over their shoulder when they're online to ensure they aren't at any questionable sites. And, as Michelle mentioned, you can put password protection on your computer to prevent anyone from using it without clearing things through you or your dh.
I would not allow the children their own account - let them use yours or your dh's. It's easier to monitor their use that way.
I don't know much about how IM works. However, from what you and others have said here, it seems prudent to get rid of it.
I'm not sure about your location, but around here internet access is free at the public library. I've used it on occassion (they have high-speed ) and there are almost always teens and pre-teens using them and I don't think that you'd approve of a lot of the sites they've accessed. I'm thinking that by banning internet use at home, your children will simply use it elsewhere and you won't be able to guide them on appropriate use. Whether we like it or not, the internet is here to stay so we must prepare our children to use it properly.
My oldest is only 9 so take my advice with a grain of salt. My hope is to have the computer in the kitchen or family area where there is a lot of traffic so that whoever is online isn't "alone". It should be easier to keep tabs on things this way, I hope.
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Sept 12 2006 at 7:49am | IP Logged
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Thanks everyone for your replies, suggestions and prayers. It helped me just to write down some of that but your perspective is always a big help.
For now I've just password protected sneaky ds acct. We've talked about all this and he insists that he didn't tamper and that that file was from long ago and he forgot all about it. He does need to use the internet for emailing his TA through MODG so he's been on and monitored. He deleted all his email acct, which is fine with me and starting fresh. I made it VERY clear that I'll read EVERYTHING from the HS gal who was sending garbage. But I'm sure he's wise enough just to delete asap. (By the way this gal did tell my 15yo ds that I sent the email and that she had 'no idea' what I was even talking about -doesn't make me feel any better, also the fact that I read a post from her about wanting to asking my 14yo ds on a DATE. OH MY!!!!!!!! Fortunately she lives about 30 mins away and rarely comes to hs functions. Need to talk more to 14yo, I guess)
Anyway, no earthshattering decisions have been made. I'm just more aware and strongly considering dumping the IM except for necessary times (i.e. Can I get on to see if ... is on so I can see if they can go to the fair tomorrow).
out of time.... 
Theresia
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Computer/internet AGAIN. sigh.
