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kingvozzo
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| Posted: Aug 09 2006 at 9:07pm | IP Logged
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God has blessed us with another baby, and we're thrilled. I'm wondering when you all have shared with your other children that you're expecting? We've had 4 miscarriages between my first and second children, so we're a bit "gun-shy." We've not hesitated in sharing with our extended families, but are a bit wary of telling the children. I'm favoring telling them soon--they've been praying and praying for another baby, and I'd love for them to be able to continue to pray for their youngest sibling. But, God forbid something happens to this pregnancy...
My older children are 8 and 5, and I think that it would be okay.
What are your thoughts, veteran moms?
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Noreen
Wife to Ed
Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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Sarah in SC
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| Posted: Aug 09 2006 at 10:18pm | IP Logged
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Noreen,
I've had 9 miscarriages, the most recent at 19 1/2 weeks last summer. I have learned not to tell the children until we are VERY sure that the pregnancy is going to continue--in our case, after 11 weeks. We told our kiddos after 12 weeks this last time, and still we lost our boy. My oldest (then 8) was DEVASTATED. I wish I had never told him. It took him a good 6 months to be able to talk about it without crying.
It's JMHO, but I would wait, wait, wait. You could always begin praying specifically for "all the unborn" and they would still be praying for your baby.
I may be the minority in opinion, but I have found in our family that it's never easy, but easiER if they haven't totally invested in it, too.
I'll be praying for you and your sweet one. Someday I may be brave enough to try it again. We're still a bit gunshy here, but I'm finally feeling like it's a possibility again, and not a "never again."
God bless!
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Happy wife to Tom and mama to Mac, 12, Hannah, 8, Rosemary, 6, Luke, now 1! and the 9 little angels that Mary is rocking.....
"What good shall we then do with today?" --Benjamin Franklin
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Courtney
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| Posted: Aug 09 2006 at 10:46pm | IP Logged
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No words of wisdom, Noreen, but Congrats! and we'll be praying for you here!
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Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Leonie
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| Posted: Aug 09 2006 at 11:04pm | IP Logged
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Congratulations!
Because of numerous miscarriages, we have normally waited for 3/4 months before telling younger dc.Older ones have known and prayed from the start.
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Aug 09 2006 at 11:10pm | IP Logged
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Same here. The one time we told them too soon they were so very upset at the loss. I'd wait til I heard the heartbeat!
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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ladybugs
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| Posted: Aug 09 2006 at 11:29pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Congratulations, Noreen!
We will keep you in our prayers! 
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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Kathryn UK
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| Posted: Aug 10 2006 at 2:31am | IP Logged
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We told our daughters as soon as we knew ourselves, but also explained that there was a high risk that I would miscarry (because of age). They were 10 and 7 so old enough to understand this, and we didn't want them to get their hopes too high. I get very sick in the first trimester, and I think that would have worried them a lot if they hadn't known why.
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Kathryn
Dh Michael, Rachel(3/95) Hannah(8/98) Naomi(6/06)  (11/07)
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StephanieA
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We have always waited until the 5-6 month or so to tell everyone, including the kids. But our 8th pregnancy knocked me for such a loop that the kids had to know what the heck was going on. I was so sick that other worries were surfacing with the preteens and teens. The 2nd oldest (16) had somewhat guessed anyway. But the others were thinking the worst...as in cancer. (We have had cancer deaths lately in the family.) Six-8 months is such a long wait for little ones. My 6 year-old can hardly understand why the baby is taking SO long to "get out". And I'm not due until January!
Blessings,
Stephanie
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ALmom
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| Posted: Aug 10 2006 at 12:46pm | IP Logged
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We also have experienced a number of miscarriages (in the first trimester), but have always told our dc at a rather early point - for a number of reasons.
First, I do want the prayers for our specific baby. I also always ask for the blessing from our pastor since so many of our babies die before birth - and there is a blessing for the unborn baby. Our children are generally around for this - and I seek this out as soon as I know I am pregnant. I guess I see it as something I can do for the baby, even if I might be prevented from actually getting baptism.
The children are excited about the baby, but they know that I have had so many losses, that it is a long time before the baby is born and sometimes (lots of times) our babies die before they are born. I always am sure to remind them at the time I tell them that we don't know if our baby will make it to birth, but that we will pray and do all in our power to give this baby a good chance. If I start to show signs of miscarriage, I let them know that something may be going wrong. If I haven't told them yet, it generally comes out about the time I'm miscarrying because I have to rest, am very emotional, etc. and it is better for them to know than to guess at what is wrong with mom and come up with all kinds of scarey scenarios. I also prefer that they have time to celebrate life first. It is still their sibling and they deserve that time to celebrate life, however brief it may be for us.
At the death of the baby, we have always buried our baby in our backyard(often it was an empty sac, but whatever we had remaining from the baby, we treated with love and respect), and if I could, we did a conditional baptism and the dc then understood better why mom was absolutely on edge and so tired. They also had a chance to go out and buy plants to place over the grave - usually we get bleeding hearts as they grow rather well in the shade. With my miscarriages I experience huge emotional swings, and absolute exhaustion (being unable to lift my head off the pillow)so they would be pretty frightened if they didn't have the understanding of what was going on. My dc have been to lots of funerals, have seen many dead bodies at wakes, etc. and they grieve but are not unduly upset by any of this. (Actually, we have to stay at graveside and watch the graves be filled in with dirt and the flowers placed before my children are ready to leave the cemetery). I guess they are rather matter of fact about the whole thing - death is part of life and we trust that our babies (baptized or not) are in the hands of our merciful father and assume that he honored our prayers during pregnancy as intent to baptize and that they recieved a baptism of desire.
I also tell them early because, next to my dh, they should be the first to know and we generally cannot contain ourselves anyways. I guess I just can never let go of the hope that this time God will bring the baby to birth - and I am so careful that my routine changes significantly. I rest more, will not lift the younger dc, etc. that they would be confused if I didn't tell them what was going on. They also like to plan and prepare - making pictures for the new baby, etc. We discuss names and all of that, even though we know that we may never get to see this baby in this world - the dc usually begin this, we don't go out of our way to drum up excitement as we know the disappointment so often- but if children want to or bring up things we don't discourage it. If something happens, then these things can either be put together in a memory book or buried with the baby. We pray for our baby (as we are uncertain of baptism) and then at some point the children start asking for their siblings intercession. It becomes one continuum in the Communion of Saints. Now, I have never had a 2nd trimester of later death so I don't know how that would be or how the children would react - but at that point it would have been impossible to hide pregnancy from the children anyways. I am short so my belly grows out very, very quickly (before 12 weeks with my latest).
I guess we just so resent the medical/clinical approach to things and this is one other area that our family just takes it as part of family life. If I am crying, my children like to know why, but if I can matter of factly state that I am crying because I am sad because the baby died, they are so sweet. It is such a precious time, too, with little ones hugging my neck and kissing me and sharing together the sorrow is not nearly as bad for any of us. And it is OK for them too to tell me that they are sad because the baby isn't with us - and we cry again and hug each other and do what families do - share in the joys and sorrows of family life.
I know this is a very individual thing and only the parents can really determine what is best with regards to their own dc. I know a friend who chose not to tell any but her oldest, and kept the misscarriage from them. She was very hurt by those who judged her harshly - assuming that she had denied the life. This was certainly not the case and I ache for the extra pain this caused for this mother. She had her reasons and knew her children and circumstances best. She buried the baby and has always loved that baby - she simply didn't tell her other children. I think it is important to do whatever seems best for the whole family regardless of what is or is not done by those around you. (I know we are sometimes viewed as odd for taking our dc to wakes, etc - but I know for my dc, this is the only way they are able to achieve closure and heal and they have often been a source of comfort for grieving relatives. I know that they can handle life and death, that they grow in the process and we are all better for it. I know that my dc would be upset if they found out a baby died, and they hadn't been told or been a part. That is just the way we are).
If you want to tell the children, then don't be afraid to - but be realisitic asking for prayers,etc. and be prepared to include them in grieving if the baby does die - we always entrust our baby's to the Blessed Mother at death and ask her to hold the baby we cannot hold - to kiss it, sing to it, rock it. The dc seem fine with the image of their sibling well cared for by the heavenly mother whom they also love. If you just feel that it is best to wait, then do not worry or feel guilty about that either. Pray and speak with your dh and then make the best decision you can and don't second guess it later! Just my 2 cents.
Janet
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Dawnie
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| Posted: Aug 10 2006 at 5:42pm | IP Logged
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Noreen,
Just wanted to share my congratulations with you! I don't have anything to add to the wonderful advice/thoughts already posted, but you and your family are in my prayers!
Dawn
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Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: Aug 11 2006 at 8:41am | IP Logged
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Thanks to you all for the food for thought and promises of prayers. They are greatly appreciated!
I think that dh and I will wait a bit, at least till after my first ob appt.
Thanks again!
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Noreen
Wife to Ed
Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: Aug 17 2006 at 11:59pm | IP Logged
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A bit late, but wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS, too, Noreen! We'll be praying!
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Topic: sharing pregnancy with other children
