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Molly Smith
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| Posted: June 16 2006 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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My husband's brother and his wife just lost their first baby to a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. They have struggled with fertility issues for years and were obviously so excited to be pregnant. They'd even seen the heartbeat on an ultrasound. This is the the same sister-in-law (Joan) who just lost her 23 year old brother to cancer last month. Dh's sister visited Joan yesterday and said she has totally lost the faith and hasn't been to Mass since her brother's funeral. Dh's brother doesn't go to church anyway, so their faith is out of the picture at the moment. Joan is about as mad at God as she can possibly be.
Here's part of an email she sent me today:
"I am just feeling so depressed. I just keep thinking-- how can all this bad stuff have happened in just 2 months?? How much can 1 person be expected to handle…
I don’t know what to cry about first each day---- my problems or my brother… I came back to work today just to get out of the house and keep me busy."
My other SIL said Joan doesn't want to hear anything about faith, but she did email this to me. I'm assuming these are rhetorical questions, but I have an opportunity to respond in faith and I don't want to blow it. She sent the email from work and is leaving now to go out of town for the weekend. I would love to have something in her email when she gets back.
Please advise on any words of wisdom, literature, etc. that you think would help. Thanks so much!!
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Molly Smith in VA
Mom to seven beautiful children, ages 1-14
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JennGM
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| Posted: June 16 2006 at 2:27pm | IP Logged
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The poor dear! That is a heavy load to carry. I'm just so  about the loss of her baby.
I'm not good at consolation or saying the right things about the faith in times like this. I guess it's because I can't understand the ONLY consolation to me IS my faith. I KNOW I will be reunited in heaven with that child. I KNOW that God sent me this cross but also that he does give the grace to handle it. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt -- crying and even yelling at God (St. Teresa did it) is permissable and part of the process. Turning away from Him makes it harder to handle for me.
But that's just my first thoughts. Did you see This thread? The link has some things to say or not say to those who have suffered a loss.
I know there are other holier ladies that have words of wisdom.
What helped me in my loss is to name the baby and visualize that baby in heaven. I talk to the child. I do not watching the process thinking the baby would be 1 year old, 2 year old, I'd be potty training now....but thinking of him/her as an adult, fully grown, looking down at his parents with love. He's now in a place where he's watching out for us. I don't need to worry about his soul, or schooling, or career, or training him in the virtues. He's got It all -- and now he can share the joy and wisdom and look out for us.
I'll be praying for your brother and sil. And for the Holy Spirit to give you the words.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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MichelleW
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| Posted: June 16 2006 at 3:13pm | IP Logged
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After our third miscarriage I was so numb and angry, and I guess bitter. I couldn't pray. It was several weeks of feeling completely disconnected from God, and angry at Him, before one day I told Him how angry I was. I railed and ranted and suddenly I realized that He knew all this. That He knew everything about me and none of my feelings were news to Him. There was such security in that. In that moment He turned my anger to sorrow. In my anger I had distanced myself from Him, but in my sorrow we reconnected and I was able to allow Him to comfort me.
Another time, when my infant son was in the hospital close to death, I cried out to God and in my prayer I asked Him, "How Lord can I lose my child? This pain of separation is too big for me. Can you understand God? Have you ever had to give up a child?" And in a flash I knew, not just remembered, but KNEW He surely did understand and cried with me.
In the Bible over and over again we see stories of people experiencing loss. NOT ONE of them includes God saying, "Get over it, everybody experiences tragedy and loss." NEVER does God rush those feelings. On the road to Emmaus, when Jesus' friends are mourning his recent horrific death, He walks beside them. BESIDE them. Until they are ready to come to the table and eat with Him. He doesn't rush them, doesn't reveal Himself too soon. He knows breaking bread with Him will fill them with hope, but He waits until they are ready and in the meantime He walks beside them. In the story of Elijah, when he was so exhausted God fed him and cared for him for 40 days and nights. God told him to rest and eat. When Elijah finally spoke to God, His truly loving Father, and complained that he was completely alone, God gently revealed to him that he was surely not alone. That many others were faithful and had experienced hardships. And then after the gentle reminder, he continued to care for Elijah's physical needs. Only when Elijah was ready did God gently send him back out. When Mary and Martha lost their brother Lazarus, Jesus wept. He knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but I believe he wept with Mary and Martha because He knew the depth of their feeling of loss. He didn't tell them to stop crying. He cried WITH them.
I'll be praying as well. And I wanted to thank you for your desire to reach out and love your sil. Any sincere expression of compassion is a comfort.
Michelle
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JennGM
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| Posted: June 16 2006 at 9:08pm | IP Logged
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Michelle, Beautiful post. Thank you so much.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Molly Smith
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| Posted: June 17 2006 at 4:42am | IP Logged
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Yes, Michelle, thank you for sharing your story. I'll have to tuck it away for a future time when Joan may be ready to hear it. Jenn, thanks for the link--it is helpful, and provided another link that is also helpful. The "what to say" and "what not to say" in that other link was invaluable and I think will help me come up with something appropriate and still keep our Catholic faith in the picture.
And Jenn, when you said that your only consolation IS your faith--that's exactly what I wish Joan felt. She told my other SIL that God and faith are fine when things are great, but not so great when things are bad. It was so backwards to my other SIL, but there was no convincing Joan so she didn't push it.
Thank you for your help!
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Molly Smith in VA
Mom to seven beautiful children, ages 1-14
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mary
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| Posted: June 18 2006 at 1:27am | IP Logged
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Molly Smith wrote:
And Jenn, when you said that your only consolation IS your faith--that's exactly what I wish Joan felt. She told my other SIL that God and faith are fine when things are great, but not so great when things are bad. It was so backwards to my other SIL, but there was no convincing Joan so she didn't push it.
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i do really understand what she meant by this. when my sister died of cancer, i really struggled. i think when you beg for a miracle (ask and you shall receive), when you believe that god can give you a miracle if you but ask and then you don't get it, it's a mighty blow to faith. it was easy for me to have faith when it wasn't tested. but to have faith and have still lost what i pleaded for was hard. what helped me to find peace was time and a good priest. it's really difficult to embrace suffering. i'm sorry for your sister's losses - i hope she is able to work through her feelings in time. peace to your family.
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Please help me respond to this
