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teachingmyown
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How do you all deal with your teens and all the free time of summer? Especially, when they have friends close by and want to hang out in the neighborhood?
Up until this summer, I have had control over who Charlie was with. He couldn't get anywhere without my driving him or someone else picking him up. This is the first summer that we have lived in a neighborhood in 6 years. There are teenagers in just about every house. It seems like most of the female teenagers are the ones with backyard pools!
He has already stated his intention to swim at these other houses, and to hang out with the neighborhood kids. He doesn't want to hang out here because of his younger siblings. And we don't have a real pool. The inflatable one just doesn't compete with the neighbors'.
I don't know how to limit the time away from home. I want him to have fun, childhood summers always meant the pool and friends to me, but I am worried about the bikini-clad girls and teenage male hormones. I haven't really gotten to know the girls or their mothers.
Anyone else have to deal with this? To make it worse, my husband will be gone most of the summer. 
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Leonie
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We do have a set of routines or pegs during the summers - so, really, all day is not free time. 
Things like morning chores, doing extra gardening or cooking together, games time with the youngest ( who loves every Saturday game time with his older brothers throughout the year).
Dad often has a chore list for older kids, too - to do along or with him if he is home.
We usually have some outings planned as a family or as mum and kids - places to go and visit, even the library, that sort of thing - and because we are relaxed homeschoolers we don't ever really have a school time - so, even in summer, there is school type stuff. I think your ds went to public school this year ( my memory is bad, forgive me  ) but, summer programmes are common here - and you can have your own with a reccommended reading list from Dad, etc.
My teens usually have part time jobs, too.
With all this, their free time has a limit, as does my free time and dh's free time - and I think this is a good thing. Very real life. 
I don't know if this is of any help - maybe others will chime in?
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Leonie in Sydney
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Lavenderfields
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Hi Molly,
Sorry you have to deal with this without your dh. My dh will be gone most of the summer as well. What helped with my two older ds' was a summer job. With a job, their free time was limited. I will pray for you this summer.
God Bless
Robynn in Lancaster, CA
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Cay Gibson
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Molly,
I feel for you having to deal with this...especially without dad at home. 
When we aren't away from home this summer, my teens will be working. That keeps them out of trouble.
Is there a farm nearby where he can go help bale hay? I'm serious! I've heard that does wonders for teenage boys.
Is work an option?
I do feel for you. It's easy for me to tell you what I've done in the past when I didn't want my dc always hanging out with the neighborhood children all summer, but then I didn't have a new baby and very young children at home with a teen to boot. My baby is 4 yrs old and Corey was 14 when she was born. By the time he started wanting to go places, we were more mobile. I took them to the movies, the park, out for ice cream. Each day we had an activity planned. My dc still fondly remember writing up lists of things they wanted to do over the summer.
Perhaps have him write you up a list of things he'd like to do, then sit down and discuss them with him. Explain why you don't want him at the neighbor's houses and pools all summer.
My first suggestion is for him to get some type of work. When Corey was in his early teens he had a lawn service going.
These boys have to be kept busy. There's just no way around it.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Elizabeth
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MOlly,
When I first read this a couple of days ago, my first thought was that he needs a job. Michael will be so busy with soccer and jobs, there will be little "hanging out" time. And then there is the understanding that this is not a boarding house and he has some responsibilities towards the family. Is Charlie driving? That changes lots of things. His chores then can become things like grocery shoping, taking the vehicles for safety inspections,running an occasional carpool. There's much freedom there, but also responsibility.And with driving, it is comletely appropriate to expect him to contribute to gas and auto insurance. Hence, the job. You want freedom? You have to work. Even if he's not yet driving, he can work to save for it. That said, I completely understand the challenge of doing this without Dad at home. Things change palpably in this house with my three big boys right about the time Mike's plane takes off.I have no advice there, only much empathy  .
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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StephanieA
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<to gas and auto insurance. Hence, the job. You want freedom? You have to work. Even if he's not yet driving, he can work to save for it. That said, I completely understand the challenge of doing this without Dad at home. Things change palpably in this house with my three big boys right about the time Mike's plane takes off.>
Lucky you, Elizabeth!
Unfortunately my husband is little help for various reasons, so most of this falls on me. The "hanging out" is bad news. My oldest son (18) is complaining that he has little time for anything this summer except work. He has a 40 hour job which I spent the spring finding for him because I KNEW it was in everyone's best interest. It was a God-send. Unfortunately none of my 3 oldest boys are motivated to do much without a huge push. I really don't get it  It is causing a lot of problems around here.
I would love to follow up on some of your comments you made about help around the house, but that really seems to be another topic. For what it's worth, a job of some kind would be most helpful. My 2 younger teens do mow a few lawns, but it doesn't keep them as busy as I would like. I am still looking for something else for them to do. If your son is anything like mine are, you have to push the job issue and then actually find something for them to do.....even if it is volunteer work at the hospital, church, etc. Of course, volunteer work won't mean money, but it may be too late to accumulate many lawns this year, but he could try.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Elizabeth
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StephanieA wrote:
If your son is anything like mine are, you have to push the job issue and then actually find something for them to do.....even if it is volunteer work at the hospital, church, etc. Of course, volunteer work won't mean money, but it may be too late to accumulate many lawns this year, but he could try.
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I haven't ever found ds-17 a job. He started refereeing when he was 13. Then, as he's gotten to know coaches in various capacities, they have hired him to train younger teams. He's also working as a a teen mentor for an abstinence program. Again, the job found him. Work ethic is talked to death around here, though. My 14 yo ds, who is a bit of a slacker academically, is already reffing as well. He's got his eyes on a new gym in town and sees all sorts of potential for coaching and refereeing there. We do encourage them to find work doing somehting they love; maybe that's the ticket. No one is allowed to sit around doing nothing for very long around here...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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StephanieA
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refereeing there. We do encourage them to find work doing somehting they love; maybe that's the ticket.
Elizabeth, this is true about doing what you love. When my boys were swimming competitively, they both were chosen as coaches/instructors for the summer only team. My oldest was complimented on his ability to teach so much that the city requested that he give lessons in the evenings for their swim program. I couldn't go to a meet and not hear rave reviews about Adam and his ability to teach the breast stroke and fly to the youngest of swimmers. My boys loved this work and were paid well. But both boys became so good at swimming that they were traveling to meets 3-4 states away. Adam had colleges looking at him. The expenses became crazy We took money out of our paltry savings for 6 months and then we knew we had to quit. Traveling and meet expenses were just too much (on top of the monthly swim team and coaches fees.)
Sports do offer huge part-time opportunities for good teen athletes, but leave that arena, and the opportunities for boys in the suburbs are much less.
The boys could have continued coaching, but it would have been a bitter pill for Adam to swallow - he wanted to continue swimming competitively so much he couldn't stand teaching it.
He grades city streets this summer and it is just less appealing than coaching a sport he loves. I had to "get him going" and help him get the job. It is not that he doesn't have a work ethic, so much as his choice was less appealing. Last spring he had 3 jobs: one as a math and ACT tutor, one on a walnut farm, and one working very part-time roofing/construction. He needs to keep himself busy.
I guess that was my point....that sometimes, even with a work ethic some of us have to go that extra step and do what we know will benefit the child AND the family, although I certainly wish it was a little easier on me.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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StephanieA
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Dear Molly,
I had another thought besides mowing lawns. Could Charlie clean houses? My older 2 boys went on a job-hunting spree several years back when they were not driving (they rode their bikes) and came up with 2 elderly women's houses that needed cleaning. They ran an ad in the church bullentin, literally walked house-to-house, and asked around. They offered to do the first cleaning free and if the person was satisfied, then they would charge after that.
Adam has kept one women's house still and Stephen has the other. I wouldn't say they LOVE it, but it is easy enough work. No teen peer pressure and I think the two women enjoy the company too.
My third son babysat for a short bit, but the person then asked for my daughter who had a better knack with younger kids. (About crushed 'ol Peter's self-esteem. Poor kid!) But that's an option. Our kids certainly have the experience for that job description.
Still thinking.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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teachingmyown
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Charlie will be 15 in a couple of weeks, so he is not driving yet. He does umpire a couple times a week when he is not playing baseball himself. He is also applying for a job cleaning 18-wheelers that a friend of his is already doing. Apparently, it is quite strenuous work, which will be good.
Even keeping him busy, there will still just be the issue of setting the firm limits and living with the headache of him not liking them. I know the key really is the firmness, which I am not always good at. I also am encouraging friends whose parents are just as unreasonable as I am!
Today, for instance, his coach and the coach's son came over to help me with a project that my dh didn't finish before he left. Then the boys wanted to go hang out at the house of a neighborhood girl they know from school. Fortunately, the other boy's parents also expressed discomfort in the boys going to a house where the level of supervision is unknown to us. So I wasn't the bad guy and the boys did not complain. They chose to go to the other boy's house instead where they could swim and hang out with his parents.
Cay, do you really do "something" everyday during the summer? I can't imagine being on the go constantly and it seems like most things cost at least some money, which is not readily available these days.
Elizabeth, I know what you mean about things changing as soon as the plane takes off! Court left Thursday, and that evening Charlie was informing me of the different houses he planned on hanging out at this weekend. All kids that I don't know and he had never even mentioned before. It was like he figured I just wouldn't have the energy to challenge him on it.
I guess underlying it all is the issue of trust, and unfortunately, we have been given cause to not always trust our son. But, short of tying him up, at some point we have to trust that he is where he said he would be and that he is honoring the values that we have tried to instill in him. And pray.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Leonie
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teachingmyown wrote:
Even keeping him busy, there will still just be the issue of setting the firm limits and living with the headache of him not liking them. I know the key really is the firmness, which I am not always good at. I also am encouraging friends whose parents are just as unreasonable as I am! |
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I do agree that firmness is the key - in love and with a smile. It can be wearying but it is probably the most important thing .
I don't mean to sound like a harsh mum but my 14 nearly 15 year old would not tell me where he is going - he would ask. I feel firm enough to say no and to give my reasons. Its not that I don't trust him, but I don't trust the situations and even though he is taller than me he is still a kid.
I will say a prayer for you as I know it is hard to be firm when dh is away - but stand strong - and plan some fun things at home! In the end, the energy spent here, even when energy is limited, WILL pay off.
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Leonie in Sydney
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teachingmyown
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Leonie wrote:
[QUOTE=teachingmyown]
I don't mean to sound like a harsh mum but my 14 nearly 15 year old would not tell me where he is going - he would ask. I feel firm enough to say no and to give my reasons. Its not that I don't trust him, but I don't trust the situations and even though he is taller than me he is still a kid. |
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Not harsh at all, Leonie. You are absolutely right, he is still the child, taller or not. I have pointed out to him that he needs to ask not tell. Unfortunately, it is something that needs repeating.
Do your kids accept the explanation about it being the situation that you don't trust? My son still views that as my not trusting him. In a way, he is right. There are certainly kids who could find themselves in tempting situations and make the right choices without fail. So, really, it still comes down to the kid. Do you know what I mean?
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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guitarnan
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Molly,
Both my kids are getting into the habit of "telling" instead of "asking." I broke down this week and ordered the book "Take Back Your Kids," after reading an interview with the author. I can't quite figure how they decided that "telling" was OK, but I know I need to have more steel and less waffle batter in my backbone or my summer will be miserable.
I'm a fast reader...hopefully the author will have a couple of hints in this area. He's Catholic and a crusader against allowing kids to feel "entitled" to do things. He's also starting a parents' group in Minnesota to protest Sunday kids' sports activities. I hope he's got some info on parent networking, because I move every 2 years and need better ways to work within groups established long before my arrival.
My dh is not around much (travel for the current Navy job AND the future one!), so we're in the same situation as your family. I'm trying to be stronger about things...I'll let you know what works.
Funny story...my son came home yesterday while I was at my daughter's baseball practice and left a note to tell me he was going to hit golf balls (here on base) with a friend. He put it under the phone, figuring I always check the phone first, but I didn't see it because...I was checking the phone for a message from him! Once I found him, we laughed because we both figured the best thing for him to do was to TAPE the message to the phone.
This is a very helpful thread. Thanks for bringing up this important topic.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Leonie
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teachingmyown wrote:
Do your kids accept the explanation about it being the situation that you don't trust? My son still views that as my not trusting him. In a way, he is right. There are certainly kids who could find themselves in tempting situations and make the right choices without fail. So, really, it still comes down to the kid. Do you know what I mean?
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Not always - esp not the son I mentioned above. He is SURE he always knows best.
But, with my dh often being away, I decided that I would be a strong person and ultimately tough - if, after I talk about it and give reasons, the son complains I kind of say "Tough. Suck it up. That's the way it is. Maybe I wouldn't even trust myself in some situations. Its what the Church calls possible occasions of sin "
I then try to follow up with a treat later at home - maybe a movie when youngers are in bed - and some chocolate or popcorn.
We did this recently with one of our older ds, who is a young adult ( 22). Dh and I know they make their own choices as young Catholic men, but felt that it would be remiss of us not to say we thought the occasion should be avoided.
It's a long road with teens and young adults - as much as I love them and they are fun there is still a huge learning curve for me - how do I parent these huge young men? 
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Leonie in Sydney
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Cay Gibson
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teachingmyown wrote:
Cay, do you really do "something" everyday during the summer? I can't imagine being on the go constantly and it seems like most things cost at least some money, which is not readily available these days. |
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Oh, goodness no!!!
I had to go back and read what I wrote. I didn't mean to imply that we were on the go "everyday".
The children made lists of what they wanted to do. I took the list and pared down all the replicas and made a master list of all the things we could do. The week was structured enough that if chores were done and they all behaved during the week, we'd go out and do one of those fun things...at least once a week.
During the week when we were home we did simple things...having friends over to play in the sprinkler and eat ice cream, having a bonfire and wienie roast one night...those come to mind.
Of course, for the most part, the children who love this idea are the younger ones. But my older ones still have fond memories of those lists and were reiminising the other day about those lists and the excitment that went with them. 
For an older child I'd have him choose something that he'd really like to do each week. If he does his chores and helps you around the house during the week, then he gets that end-of-the-week fun.
I really liked what Leonie wrote you last. Good advice. 
Another option I forgot to mention but have found extremely helpful with a teenage boy was giving him the workshop./ Do you have a shop or shed where he could do woodwork and construction of things? This has kept my oldest ds close to home and away from teen crowds that would otherwise influence him. He does sideline/odd jobs in the workshop and makes extra money this way.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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StephanieA
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<woodwork and construction of things? This has kept my oldest ds close to home and away from teen crowds that would otherwise influence him. He does sideline/odd jobs in the workshop and makes extra money this way.>
Another issue too, Molly, is as Willa alluded to on another related topic is temperament/personality. My oldest son is very social and talks a mile a minute, but he isn't AT ALL adventuresome. He is very happy staying at home for college, and even complains that he doesn't spend enough time here this summer because he now has a 40 hour job. Ummm....what exactly would YOU do here? I am thinking. He said he MAY think about going up to Six Flags with his cousin and a few friends later on in the summer, but then again, he may not. It is a long way from home (ummmm, 3 hours?) It was an off-comment, but the kid was serious 
My second son is more adventuresome but very quiet. So people almost think he is anti-social. So he hasn't clicked at all in a social group yet.
Then there's my next son who is up for every party, get together, friends over, social activity he can possible fit in a day. I will likely have more problems keeping him "in line" than I will have with the other 2.
However, my brother was also like this. EVERYONE loves TJ, type of thing. Mom and Dad put so many restrictions on him in high school that he became sullen and so unlike himself. He left for Franciscan University where he blossomed, graduated, and is now on their staff. Large groups of noisy people thrill this kid. I still don't think Mom completely understands this. He's 28 and loving life.
I think that to keep teens busy (but not crazily so) allows them not to grow inwardly or become sullen and self absorbed. But you have to have boundaries and they will have to respect and obey them. The trick is take their personality into consideration and to figure out what we consider really important and stick to it. (I am still figuring out what hills to die on and what to compromise on.)
Blessings,
Stephanie
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Teens and summer "freedom"
