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monica4patience
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| Posted: Feb 25 2014 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
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The last 2 summers DS14 has played football. This requires that he attend daily practices starting in August.
Last summer we were offered a seasonal site at our favorite campground. We have a trailer on the site. The boys (14 and 21) love to go to the campground. The have a lot of good friends; know most of the adults; help the owners of the campground with tasks. DH and I have made lots of friends also. The majority of the families are Catholic or Christian Reformed; a very safe place for the kids to play.
The issue is that if DS14 plays football for the team that his buddy plays for, he will be required to practice starting in July. I do not want to give up my summer. I love to just lay around and read, play games, visit with friends, walk, play with the dogs; of course, that's after I've done my 20 minutes of trailer cleaning!
If he plays for this team, we will not be able to go to the campground, except maybe on the weekend, when it is more crowded. I had a hard enough time the last 2 years giving up August camping for football.
So am I being selfish? Should his desire/need to play for this team override my desire for a long summer spent at the campground? FYI, he has a chance to play on a Christian homeschool high school team this fall. Don't know their summer practice schedule.
Thanks for any advice you can give.
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~Monica (58)
DH(62), married 34 yrs.
DD23, DS21, DS13 (all adoptees)
New to homeschooling 11/12.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 25 2014 at 2:59pm | IP Logged
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I can't tell you if you're being selfish or not.
I can tell you that I refuse to have kids involved in winter sports because we do spring and summer sports and between the weather that makes travel bad and needing something of a break.. I just don't go there. But neither do I have any kids that really want to do those sports.. they're into lacrosse and swimming.
I don't see anything wrong with setting limits to what he's doing.. you know.. you can join this team or that one that has a reasonable lead time for practice.. but that one interferes too much with family time and time off from everything.
Perfectly reasonable.
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millermom1110
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| Posted: Feb 25 2014 at 7:48pm | IP Logged
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I had parents who let me run rampant with dance lessons and dance competitions that we really didn't have the means for. In retrospect, I wish they'd pulled back the reigns more. My desire to take every dance class possible and attend every competition within a 3 hour drive ultimately meant we never took a family vacation together. We didn't have time and the money was all gone after dance expenses. Well, I use that term "together" loosely. My parents were divorced when I was 4, so it would have been either with my mom and sister OR with my dad and sister.
My point is that I wish family closeness were more of a priority. So, from my experiences, I don't think it's selfish at all. Those family memories created on your trips together are going to be priceless. My personal opinion, and it's okay if others don't agree, is that those memories are far more important and valuable. And a side effect is that you'll get to enjoy the things that you look forward to as well. 
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Feb 25 2014 at 9:24pm | IP Logged
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We look at this question from another, long-term perspective, as our daughter is planning to continue dancing competitively for a while, perform for a longer time and then certify as a teacher and a competition judge. She doesn't want to major in dance in college, but definitely wants to earn money teaching and adjudicating. (She gives lessons now, too.)
So, for us, it's a bit different. We have to work many things around her dance schedule, including family trips, but we do our best to maximize family time under those conditions (given, too, that our son is in college hundreds of miles away and is on a university schedule). We extend dance trips if they take us to somewhere interesting - we were in New Orleans a couple of years ago, for example. (Tip: The French Quarter was a bit too adult  for the young teen dancers...but the Aquarium and The National WWII Museum were great!)
We don't look at this as an investment in her future, exactly, but we recognize that she has long-term plans that require a specific level of support now and that could provide her with job opportunities both now and later. We're willing to make some sacrifices on her behalf, and when we do take family trips, we work with her dance teachers to make sure everyone's on the same wavelength.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Feb 26 2014 at 8:20am | IP Logged
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All these things become more of a delicate balance as kids get older and move toward more independence and activities that could conceivably extend into their college or adult lives. We've worked around theater and youth orchestra in the past; currently we have a teenaged son who's a triathloner, with big races in the summer that went on the calendar around Christmastime as dates to negotiate around.
I think Nancy's point about how an activity is going to figure into a child's future is a good one. My triathloning son began running and competing as a way of possibly preparing to apply to one of the service academies -- while this is not as much on his radar as it was a couple of years ago, it's still a possibility, and if he does go that route, he will need at least the equivalent of lettering in a sport as part of his application. So, that's important enough to us that we do plan our summers to accommodate at least *some* of the big races -- that, and the fact that these are important goals for him, and we're not willing to write off that importance for him (even though, left to our own druthers, we would not be spending Saturday mornings at various racecourses).
The commitment for an independent runner isn't quite the same as for someone playing a team sport, however -- my husband played football through high school (until he blew out his knee as a junior), and he remembers well those long summer practice days! It's definitely a major and inflexible commitment for the player and the family.
I think my approach would be for both parents to sit down with said son and talk about things on the table for the summer: the family's desire for a summer at the campground vs. his desire to play football. Is there a way to negotiate some kind of compromise, so that it's not all a win/lose proposition, with one side coming out without anything that they wanted?
For example, is Dad working during the weeks at all? (I know in some summer situations, Dad works all week and joins the family at the weekend, but I don't know if that's your scenario). Can son stay home with Dad, go to practice, and join you at weekends? That might be one possible kind of compromise.
OR, is the family willing to go camping in June but come back for football, and find other activities and getaways from home for the rest of the summer? Would being home enable other kids also to do activities that they might otherwise have missed (giving you a break at home?) Sounds like that would be the biggest, hardest sacrifice for the rest of the family, but would it be even on the table, as a gesture of support for this son's endeavors?
OR, is there another sport that interests this son that would not require all the summer practice? So, if he gave up football, what might he look forward to doing in its place? I think if I were asking a teenager to sacrifice something really important to him, I would have an attractive alternative in hand to put on the table when I proposed the sacrifice. A teenager might really justifiably be resentful about having something he loves effectively taken away from him -- I'm not sure I'd *want* to spend a summer in a campground with that person! With younger kids I have no problem making unilateral decisions like that, but from middle school up I think it's important to acknowledge that what's important to that child really is important and worth weighing in the balance.
On the one hand, sacrificing for the sake of family unity is an important lesson in values and priorities. On the other hand, knowing that the family as a whole will pitch in, sacrifice, and be behind any one member when something important is at stake is another, possibly equally valuable lesson in family unity. I think you have to weigh which alternative is going to be ultimately better for *all* the family, including that one child, and which alternative is going to give *everyone* a happier, more peaceful summer.
So, those are my thoughts . . . :)
Sally
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Feb 26 2014 at 8:52am | IP Logged
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What is the advantage to the July team? Is it simply that his best buddy is there? Or are there other opportunities it affords?
I can wrap my head around the sport itself being important to your son for all the reasons the ladies here have shared, but I'm not convinced that you should be asked to sacrifice your family's summer camping that you love just so he can play with a particular friend.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Feb 26 2014 at 8:54am | IP Logged
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These are all excellent thoughts.
I don't think it is selfish at all to want to enjoy your family time. You only are together as a family for a short time.
As Sally and Nancy said, putting it on the scale of importance is key.
One blog I enjoy reading is the Maxwell Family blog, Titus 2.
They have eight kids, almost all grown up now, and long ago they decided that they were very serious indeed about putting God first and then family next. This led them to pull their boys from Little League Baseball- it was taking up so much time that the family could rarely eat together, and their boys were starting to value the opinions and ideas of the coaches and other players more than their dad's.
Pulling their boys out put the dad and family back as first priority, This has led to many great things for this family.
Admittedly this is an extreme example, which has turned out very well for them, and I'm not saying it is the right answer for you or anyone else. But I like this story and the example it gives.
Sometimes I think we get pushed around by different things- especially sports- and/or what society dictates is important.
What is most important for your family? What is God's will for your son?
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Feb 26 2014 at 9:06am | IP Logged
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Quote:
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This is so, so true. In a couple of years my younger child will be in college, and we'll be dealing with yet another schedule we cannot control. 
In our family, we have a rule...If Mom can't manage the driving schedule on her own, no new activities may be added (even though we have carpools) unless another activity is given up. This is a "time budget," in reality, because everyone needs to learn to manage time as well as money. My children gave up all team sports to take up archery because both archery and baseball were on Saturdays, and the Mom Has to Drive It rule applied.
It's not selfish to want the best for your entire family or to want to stay sane in the face of a very long sports season. You've received some great advice so far...I'm looking forward to reading more.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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monica4patience
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| Posted: March 04 2014 at 11:59am | IP Logged
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Sorry I'm so late in responding. Wow, this topic really struck some nerves. It's quite interesting how many different takes there on this.
FYI: Dad works during the week; comes out for weekends. We are sometimes home for some of the mid-week.
We have two at home: DS14: the one who wants to play football; and DS21: with special needs, who (on over-hearing the discussion)wants to stay home and do martial arts.
Both boys have asked to stay home and mom can go to campground. While that sounds like a delightful luxury to me...the two cannot stay home together without supervision. I have been the only stay-at-home mom among their friends, so it is our home that they congregate at. We have a home rule that they are not allowed to play outside or visit friends without adults supervising if they are staying home alone. They forget how lonely it is; and they spend the time playing video games and watching TV.
DS14 is very athletic; depending on how he matures, he may in fact play in college.
All this football stuff starting in July with this team my be a mute point. He is now asking to return to school and would therefore play sports at the HS level.
Ah...life is ever-changing. Just trying to keep up!
~Monica
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~Monica (58)
DH(62), married 34 yrs.
DD23, DS21, DS13 (all adoptees)
New to homeschooling 11/12.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Summer Vacation: Am I being selfish?
