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TryingMyBest
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| Posted: May 25 2013 at 9:08am | IP Logged
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I'm still working full time. The plan is for me to quit later in the summer.
Thursday morning, as DH and I were lying in bed before I got up to get in the shower, he admitted to me "I'm terrified." He said he didn't sleep all night because he was worrying about how we would have enough money to survive on his income. I admit it will be really tight and is only possible because we've been able to save some money on my salary. He's in a learning phase in his career now and we think he'll be able to earn more in a few years which will help a lot.
How do you ladies do this? Do you ever intend to go back to work at some point? Unfortunately I know that as soon as I walk away from this job, I'll never be able to come back at the same salary level.
Our situation might be a bit unusual since my salary is higher than DH's and when I include bonuses and stock options, last year I made about double what my husband made (my bonuses and stock options went into our savings).
Honestly I feel a little guilty expecting my DH to take on the whole financial load given that because of my experience and education I can make more money. I believe that it's best for a family to have a stay at home mother but it seems unfair that I get the chance to walk away from a stressful job and DH doesn't. Although I realize this is probably based on a feminism.
Jennifer
UPDATE - Thanks for the prayers and the advice, everyone. DH and I finally had a long conversation last night about all of the money issues. It was a very painful conversation for both of us.
First, the numbers were not good. In fact, as things stood last night, estimated expenses would slightly exceed DH's take home pay. Expenses were probably slightly overestimated since I was trying to be conservative. When going through the budget, I said that an extra $300 to $400 would make a huge difference. This morning my husband learned that we can refinance our house and our mortgage payment will decline by $350 per month. Weird coincidence. I'd been praying for a sign of what the right thing to do is and perhaps that's the sign? After this change, it would be tight but doable, I think.
I could tell DH was very upset last night. His face got red and he looked like his heart was racing. I think he feels really bad because he thinks this means he's not a good provider. He kept apologizing to me about it. I think it made him feel really bad about himself. I tried reassuring him. It's not his fault that the economy is messed up.
He told me that he's scared to death about this and that he's worried about his health. He thinks that if he's the sole provider, he will worry all of the time and won't be able to focus on his job and family. I think DH has a hard time stepping up to be an old fashioned father. He married me with the expectation that I would always work because I always intended to work. I'm the one switching up the rules on him.
We also discussed homeschooling for the first time. I told him what I wanted for DD and how I didn't see that any of the available options (very nice secular Montessori school, public school or nominally Catholic school adopting the Common Core) would give her that.
This is such a hard decision. We've decided to go ahead and enroll DD in the Montessori school with before/after care for next year since we're not ready to make a decision yet That gives us a few months to think everything through.
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herdingkittens
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We were in a similar situation when my oldest was a small baby. We went from my income and his part time income to just his 1st-year-teacher-in-a-rural-area-teeny-tiny-income. &nb sp; 
It was a HUGE mind shift, and we had very little. I remember our grocery budget (which included paper goods, soap, etc.) was $45/week. There was nothing extra to go around, no eating out, etc. and things were very tight. When we had 2 babies and one on the way, our Christmas budget was $13 - I was so thrilled to find a little play tent for exactly that amount at our little discount grocery store, and it was such a GREAT Christmas. We felt so blessed. Anyways, those years I would not trade for anything in the world. We learned SO much and it was a great way to grow together as a new family.
The main thing that kept us afloat and taught us so much about managing money well was Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Planner. We did not do the class, but just got the book and worked through it together. We still use many of his ideas today and they have saved us numerous times.
If you have not already gone through the numbers and really formed a good plan, I would do that now so you two can plan for the shift. Being prepared and realistic will bring peace and you'll know if it is feasible.
Praying for your family. 
__________________
my peeps: girl('02), boy('03), girl('05), twin boys ('07), boy ('11) and sweet baby boy ('13)
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JodieLyn
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There's 2 ways to have enough money.. 1) make money and 2)spend less money
It's a lot of work to spend less money. If you're working a full time job there's no way you could make sure of that as much as you think you might.
When you're at home, you can watch for and shop sales, you can make foods from scratch, you can find cheaper foods to prepare for your family. You can keep up on laundry and repairing of clothes and keep those lasting longer, or have time to hunt thrift shops or yard sales to find needed items, or to find the sales on new items. Make "stay-cations" for the family or plan local outings that you can take a picnic lunch along with you so that the only cost is getting there.
And lots of ways to help reduce the outflow. AND to keep everyone cheerful about making ends meet with the income your dh has. Sure he'll worry about it. It's his job. But your job is to support him, be his cheering section to be cheerful about it. If you act miserable about the lack of funds, he'll only feel more pressure to do something about it. Your attitude about the amount of funds coming in will make or break it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SeaStar
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| Posted: May 25 2013 at 2:34pm | IP Logged
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I recently read Homeschooling: One Family's Journey and found it very inspirational.
It is about a family with six kids who were determined to live on the dad's free lance writing salary so that the children could have the luxury of a mother at home..
I love that phrase- you are a luxury, a priceless gift for your children! Having you at home is so worth the sacrifices. 
I truly believe that if you do your best and turn this one over to God in prayer, He will provide for your family in ways you can't even imagine now.
Jodie has a lot of practical advice. There are many hidden costs in working. There are many ways to save at home. I remember reading great books like "your Money or Your Life" and "The Tightwad Gazette"
many years ago when I decided to stay home. Nowadays there are many
Frugal Mom blogs out there to turn to for ideas.
I will be praying for you
ETA: I found all the books mentioned at my library
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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verkom
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Also, if you live in or near a metro area, you can usually find excellent homeschool discounts for field trips, memberships, and purchases. This can really help with stay-cations. There are lots of things we wouldn't have done if we had had to pay full price for them!
My DH loved when we reached the point of bringing me home. One advantage was him not having to take unpaid days off when DS got sick in daycare (he had very limited PTO then, but I was the one who commuted). Another advantage was more flexibility in being able to go in early or stay late as needed. And, he thinks I save us a ton of $ by knowing where to shop for what - it's a lot more stops for me, but worth it to save the money. We also save a lot by no longer eating out or bringing home take-home, which we did far more often for lunch and dinner than I'd like to admit!
Before I quit working, I built up our HSA, paid off the vehicles, and built up our savings - enough to feel comfortable with the decision. We trimmed gift budgets, quit paying for haircuts for awhile, cut cable, eliminated the landline, etc to make it possible during some harsh years of no raises.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 25 2013 at 6:32pm | IP Logged
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It is definitely a load off both parents' minds to have one parent at home to deal with all the "home stuff," especially illnesses and doctors' appointments.
It was hard for me, at first, to scale my expectations down to our new income level, but when I figured out how much money I saved by shopping at thrift stores and consignment shops, I didn't mind any longer. I still do this, and I wear clothes from Chico's and Coldwater Creek that cost me about 30% of what those stores charge.
I have never fretted about driving old cars or fixing our house/cars ourselves. I grew up that way. You can make cars last a long time with proper maintenance, much of which is easy to do at home.
Look for homeschool days at museums and historic areas. Colonial Williamsburg offers great homeschool programs at super-low prices. You have to go in March (it's cold) but you save a ton. There are deals like this all over the country. The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore treats co-ops like school groups...kids are free...only adults pay, parking is free, you can bring your own lunch...You don't have to stay home if you are living on one income, if you look for deals like these and plan ahead.
One of the ways we've coped with the worries of one-income life is to remember what it was like in our two-income life. I remember doing our income taxes in the wee hours, staying up until 2:00 a. m. to pump breast milk, and lots of other stressful things. Yes, I do worry about money now and again (college tuition, ouch!) but we work together to get through the rough spots, and we've survived somehow.
The benefits of having one parent at home are enormous. What would we have done when my husband had knee surgery and had to go to physical therapy three days per week (with no mobility in his driving knee) if I had been working outside the home? By staying home and teaching our children at home, I was able to pull them away from bullying children and help them find the self-confidence that pushes bullies away.
I'm praying for your family as you prayerfully discern...we know how scary it all is, but it's also freeing.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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stacykay
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Since you will be relying on dh's income, could you just bank your wages (minus any of your work-related expenses that will go away when you leave your job) and live on dh's alone? It can give you an idea how things might go on one income.
Maybe sit down with dh after each month and evaluate how things are going. You are so wise to be sensitive to his concerns about providing for the family.
If you find things are just too tight, is there a part-time option for you that would make it doable?
I would also spend time in prayer about this.
I will pray for you!!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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SuzanneG
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JodieLyn wrote:
| And lots of ways to help reduce the outflow. AND to keep everyone cheerful about making ends meet with the income your dh has. Sure he'll worry about it. It's his job. But your job is to support him, be his cheering section to be cheerful about it. If you act miserable about the lack of funds, he'll only feel more pressure to do something about it. Your attitude about the amount of funds coming in will make or break it. |
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This is probably the most important! Make sure you have lowered YOUR expectations and spending habits and make sure that your expenditures are not going to add to his concerns. To the contrary....
Make a GAME out of "not spending" or "finding the best deal." Be cheerful about it and make jokes about it! Don't let yourself get down about "not having enough"....just always be positive with him.
If he confides in you that he's worried about XYZ, acknowledge his feelings, ask if he wants to brainstorm ideas/solutions, then just encourage him, say he's doing a good job and you're sure it'll all work out.
If he's visual and detail oriented, put out charts, type up goals, make a budget, meet with him on a monthly/weekly basis, etc.
If he's a big picture kind of guy, don't bore him with the details, just give him the bottom line and ask for help when YOU need ideas and solutions.
And, Jodie's point about you having more time to be creative about NOT SPENDING is very important. I NEVER could have spent almost-NOTHING when my first 3 were born, had I been working. As a SAHM, I had time to go through hand-me-downs, sew, cook, shop inexpensively, sign up for freebies on-line, and a million other things. You just can't possibly do those things when you're doing something else for 40 hours a week.
You are his cheerleader, secretary, and confidante! It will all be FINE!
Good, hard-working men with frugal SAHM wives???? A recipe for increased salary and financial security for SURE! 
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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herdingkittens
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SuzanneG wrote:
JodieLyn wrote:
| And lots of ways to help reduce the outflow. AND to keep everyone cheerful about making ends meet with the income your dh has. Sure he'll worry about it. It's his job. But your job is to support him, be his cheering section to be cheerful about it. If you act miserable about the lack of funds, he'll only feel more pressure to do something about it. Your attitude about the amount of funds coming in will make or break it. |
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This is probably the most important! Make sure you have lowered YOUR expectations and spending habits and make sure that your expenditures are not going to add to his concerns. To the contrary....
Make a GAME out of "not spending" or "finding the best deal." Be cheerful about it and make jokes about it! Don't let yourself get down about "not having enough"....just always be positive with him. |
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I could not agree more! Very wise advice from both of you ladies. When you have moments of not feeling like you are "contributing" to the home, Proverbs 31 is a great chapter to meditate on. I have a copy printed out and posted in the kitchen for inspiration. 
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my peeps: girl('02), boy('03), girl('05), twin boys ('07), boy ('11) and sweet baby boy ('13)
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CatholicMommy
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You've had GREAT advice. I have nothing new to add. Just reiterations - same thing I tell everyone, so if it doesn't apply to you, just skip that one ;)
--you both need to sit down together and go over the numbers so you can both realistically SEE what is going to happen. Fear of the unknown is paralyzing - and THAT is what is happening right now. Look at the true expenses to have you working. How much are you really keeping? (clothing, meals out or brought in, more expensive foods (when at home all day, you can chop up stuff in the morning and have it ready to toss in the oven at the right time versus paying 4 times as much for a freezer dinner; or once a month cooking, etc. )
--pray, pray, pray
--between now and the time you are done working, don't spend a penny of the income you bring in. Begin living on his income ONLY. The longer you do that the better - 1) your savings will be up 2) you'll have good habits established during a time of adjustment (when expenses will still be higher) and you have that back-up just in case
3) remember during this time that when you are home, you will indeed be able to stretch his money even further
--consider switching the savings (if you've not done this yet) to something that is harder to get to - not impossible, just hard. Keep a few months expenses on hand for TRUE emergency situations - easier to access; then the rest of the money harder to access so you are LESS tempted.
--Dave Ramsey. Enough said.
Larry Burkett if you can't find the Ramsey books you want from the library.
--PAY OFF DEBTS. This alone is HUGE. If you have no debt, it is SO much easier to trust in God when living from paycheck to paycheck. DEBT IS A BALL AND CHAIN. It is SLAVERY. (ask me how I know ;) ).
Get rid of it. FAST and HARD.
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Garden of Francis
HS Elementary Montessori Training
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CatholicMommy
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One more tip - once you are used to being at home and are sure you can add it in, you could also have some ideas in the back of your mind (developed through conversation with your husband) of things you could do from home. Sewing, child-care, free-lance work, etc. Sometimes just knowing you have some back-up plans BEFORE hitting the emergency funds (or the harder to access emergency funds) eases the mind and the soul, allowing more creative juices to flow, as well as peace. :)
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Leocea
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Living on one income is how we have spent most of the almost 21 years of our marriage.
I have done things very parttime, to help out a little, but not really since baby #4.
We have come to face our reality. We feel God calling us to do this, really hard! If not, it would not work.
We make a little over 50,000, and live mostly paycheck to paycheck. I will be honest, we struggle. We struggle a lot. Yet God continues to convict us in this area, and to be open to any life He chooses to send this way. :-)
It is the best decision we have ever made. My childrens' souls are at stake, and it is worth every minute. :-)
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Your sister in Christ,
Leocea, wife to Ken, mom to KC 22, Caitlin 17, Malea 13, Mary Catherine 10,Elina Rose,6,Andrew,3 and Lauren Celine,1. Angels 5/05, 5/08, 2/11 and Cameron 7/26/11.
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TryingMyBest
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Sorry for the venting but I'm sitting here tonight realizing that I am beyond furious at my DH. It hit me today when I got the school newsletter which had a section on fun things to do this summer. We might get to do a few of those things on a saturday between the grocery store and laundry and all of the rest of the stuff that I have to stuff into a weekend. But we won't make it to most of those things since DD will be at school and I'll be at work.
And tonight at DD's school picnic, I had to leave because I knew I was surrounded by a a bunch of SAHM. Not that I really know anything about them since my interaction at school consists of running in at the end of the day and getting DD and leaving right before it closes. No volunteering. No helping in the classroom and chatting with the other moms.
If my DH was unemployed or made next to nothing, I think I could be okay with this. And I'm not resenting him for not earning $200K a year. What is driving me crazy is that we could do this. It would be tight but it's doable. But we can't because my DH won't step up to the plate. And this isn't the first time he's been like this. I resent always having to be the one to make the decisions. I resent him not taking charge sometimes.
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Angie Mc
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Oh, honey, take a deep breath. And another one.
It's just money. It comes and goes.
But your relationships are invaluable.
Don't let resentment build. Focus on the good. Get back to loving.
Here's a tip. Our family believes we are entitled to nothing. Everything is a gift, something to be grateful for. It really does help me a lot.
No more resenting, OK? It gets you nowhere fast. Just do your best, a little bit at a time.
You've got this .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SeaStar
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Jennifer-
I can feel your frustration. You know that old saying- God is in the details?
God is here with you in all the frustrating details of this situation. He knows exactly what is going on and can work any situation for good.
At this point I would keep pouring out my frustration to the Lord in prayer.
You have already seen evidence that He is listening: the refinance on your home saving you the money you need. If it is truly His will for you to stay home, be assured He will bring it about!!
I saw a quote the other day that said: Even miracles sometimes need a little time.
Time, prayer- lots of deep breaths, as Angie said.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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TryingMyBest
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Thanks for listening, ladies. I'm less rage-y today. I think my going off the ledge yesterday makes me realize that I can't keep up with my life anymore. I work a demanding, stressful job and try to keep up the house, cook healthy meals and provide a good environment for DD. There are just not enough hours in the day for me to be the kind of worker I need to be and the kind of mother/wife I want to be. Something has got to give.
I'm very disappointed in DH that he can't see how close I am to the edge. But I know that's not entirely his fault because I've kept that to myself.
I've asked that he speak to our priest about this. I know it's hard for a man to understand what it means to be a traditional husband/father in the modern world.
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Aagot
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This is just a musing of mine and may not be practical at all. It sounds like both of you are stressed by your jobs. I don't know where you live and if you could consider moving. But have you thought of getting both of you off the treadmill and moving to a place that is less expensive but still has a good job market? What does your dh do?
Also, it may help if you write a letter to him telling him of your vision and dreams for motherhood, family life etc. Sometimes, they just don't get it until they see it in writing.
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guitarnan
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Jennifer, I've been in your shoes, except for the earning more than my husband part. I felt your same pull to be home with my children and your concern that you can't give 100% in both of the important spheres of your life, family and work. I feel your stress and your worry, and I understand your feelings.
But, as a trained accountant, I also understand your husband's worries. I have always paid our bills and done our taxes, and I know what it feels like to lie awake at night wondering what next month will look like. It's scary, in a deeply gut-wrenching way.
My husband and I did eventually find our way to me staying home, but in baby steps, and under circumstances you would only find in a military family situation, where moves, new jobs and changes are normal. And I've worked from home for most of that time, to help pay for new cars, extracurricular activities, unusual family expenses, etc. It's stressful, in a different kind of way. So is just being home with children. So is homeschooling. Our Lord promised us a place in Heaven if we followed Him, but he did not promise us that the path to Heaven would be easy.
In fact, there is no such thing as a stress-free life. Staying home with children is rewarding, for sure, but it is also very worrisome, for the very reasons you have articulated. It's hard to live on one income. Very hard.
Staying home with your child will not fix all your problems. If you are not telling your husband about your true concerns, staying home with your daughter will not help him understand those concerns any better. If your job is stressful, and you feel that you are not fulfilling your responsibilities at home, staying home won't fix that, either, unless you and your husband can work together to decide what a "good enough" home looks like and how to get to that "good enough" place.
My prayer for you tonight is that you will bring your thoughts, concerns and dreams directly to your husband, in a loving, open-minded way. A public forum (that anyone, member or not, can read) such as this one is not a substitute for listening to your husband's concerns and sharing your own with him, with the expectation that each of you will listen attentively to the other.
We are here to listen, and to offer our thoughts, and to pray for you and yours. We are honored to pray for you and your husband as you discern together God's will for your family.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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TryingMyBest
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| Posted: June 05 2013 at 8:29am | IP Logged
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Thanks everyone for listening to me. I'm trying to sort out how much of my desire to stay home is about DD and how much is about my stressful job.
DH and I haven't talked about this since last week. I can tell that he wants to avoid the subject.
I just got called this morning by a recruiter about a job that will allow me to work at home. I have to decide whether I want to move forward with interviewing. It's not fair to them to take the job and then quit to stay home with DD. But I know my DH wants me to look around for something different since he thinks a new job will solve this whole problem. Even if I'm working at home, we'll still need to send DD to school/extended care but it would make our lives a lot easier because there will be no commute. Although this job could require a fair amount of traveling. That's usually the trade-off with work at home positions, you have to travel more.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Living on One Income - Update
