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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Feb 13 2013 at 10:10am | IP Logged
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So, my 9yo girl was a bit down today and tearing up, so we started on a long conversation about what is bothering her. Here's some of the list:
She's upset that her brother (6yo) gets more school breaks than her.
She doesn't like to do things that are too hard.
We do too much school (honestly, it's only an hour or two a day).
We do too many things outside the house (two library programs in one week, which when asked she really enjoys but doesn't want to do any other school after the library programs).
She doesn't want to be the oldest.
She doesn't want to grow up.
She wants to do no math or Latin.
She wants to take classes like dance, gymnastics or play sports.
She wants to read more of her own books (fluffy books).
She doesn't see the need for math facts.
So basically, she's having a bad day. I do see some things we can change and we talked about dropping some of the busywork and do more of the things she likes (learning about states). Latin and math are nonnegotiable for me, but I'll try to find a way to make them more interesting. We also don't spend a ton of time on them anyway, but they are the hardest of her subjects and she does not like to tackle anything that is or appears to be difficult.
I see some of this as wanting to have input, which I totally want to an extent, so we came up with some plans to change school a bit. I also don't know how to retain parental authority while allowing self-direction. What guidelines can I use to allow her flexibility within a set of rules? I want to help her grow into independence, but don't want her to think that just anything goes. KWIM?
We did have a busy week last week and then this week, which is very unusual for us. She complained about doing the library programs today, but had a wonderful time while there (her Daddy even took them to one) and when asked, does not want to stop going to these programs. They are usually only three times in a month.
As for the fun stuff. I just can't afford to have her play soccer or take dance. It's so expensive. We do piano at $10 a week right now because I think it's important to learn piano, at least a little bit. I think we will stop that next month and maybe apply that to something else, but it's still so expensive. Gymnastics is $90 a month not counting the leotards and any other stuff they do. Dance is too pricey because of the outfits and performances. Soccer is over $100 for 8 weeks of games, 1x a week. Her friend plays basketball, but that is also $100 and we just can't afford all these extras. The three friends she spends time with all have lost of extra things going on, and she gets a bit down when she doesn't get to do anything. It breaks my heart!  I wish I could give her the world, but economies don't allow that right now. We are still trying to sell the house and downsize a bit so that we have extra funds available for at least one extra activity for each child, but that will take a long time.
Plus, I'm not sure if I want to be out of the house as much as sports require!
I don't know how I feel, but I'm certainly crying! I sure wish this was easier!
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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dinasiano
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| Posted: Feb 13 2013 at 10:36am | IP Logged
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Lara,
I'm sure you know this already, but no matter how much we give our kids or how many activities they do or don't do, there will always be days like this. My daughter dances and has a few friends that she sees on a regular basis, but we still have the same type of exchanges. She is eight. She isn't the oldest but she started telling me she didn't want to grow up after the birth of her sister. She wants to be my baby. She's the 5th of 7. So you see, kids are kids 
I hate that feeling of failing that comes when we can't give them everything. But that is a gift in itself, if that makes sense.
Dina
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amyable
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I don't have any great advice, other than that I have found that 9yo girls are totally irrational.  9 was a *hard* age for my girls, and I've heard the same from others. They are all of a sudden aware that they are no longer "little kids" and it can be scary...they are also hormonal. I would do what YOU want and YOU can (you are the mom/boss/leader along with your husband) as far as homeschooling/activities go -- calmly stating "this is the way it is, and I love you". Love on her in other ways, whatever works for her. For one of mine it was talking/listening to her, for another it is TONS of physical affection, etc. My girls wanted to know that *I* was still in control, that *I* was rational, and that I loved them ... and then let them have their hissy fits, 'cause they are scared and hormonal. 
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mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
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Erin
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| Posted: Feb 13 2013 at 1:58pm | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
| I don't have any great advice, other than that I have found that 9yo girls are totally irrational. 9 was a *hard* age for my girls, and I've heard the same from others. |
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Very true!!
And whilst some of her wishes you can change (and this way she knows she has been heard), some was just her having a pity party. I know with my girls, once they start, they just come up with more.
Regards being the oldest, I recall having a pity party for my oldest years back, "Oh life is so much harder for her, am I asking too much etc etc" when a friend shared something and I had one of those light bulb moments that resonated for years since. "God chose for your daughter to be the oldest, He chose her birth order". So profound for me.
mamaslearning wrote:
| We do piano at $10 a week right now because I think it's important to learn piano, at least a little bit. I think we will stop that next month and maybe apply that to something else, but it's still so expensive. |
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Believe me here in Australia that is soooo cheap!!!! My son's music lessons are $30/half hour and we think our dd's cheap at $20/half hour!!
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Feb 13 2013 at 2:19pm | IP Logged
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Yes, our piano lessons are cheap! A local homeschool boy does them at his house.
I've talked to my husband and I think I understand where some of this is coming from. She went with him last night to pick up a son at our local Parish and there were basketballs games in the gym. I'm sure the sight of "school fun and oneness" was very enticing and left her feeling a bit left out.
I sent them out while it was snowing today, and that seems to have brightened spirits a bit. Plus, we talked and she is going to stop piano lessons (she's been taking them for just about a year now) and try out ice skating. Lessons start next week (if we get in) and it is just a couple dollars more than piano! Yippee! She is super excited.
After reading responses, it does appear that she's just scared right now. She's gaining independence, but yet very afraid to grow up so I need to be strong for her and just let her vent sometimes. I'm glad she opened up and I hope this continues through these tumultuous growing up years.
Oh, and I think the thought of moving is adding some stress as well. Don't know why I didn't think about that one! 
Plus, she is a routine type of gal, so getting back to a normal routine during Lent should help.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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SallyT
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Yes, I'm there right now. Nine for girls is kind of an "injustice-a-day-club" age, and it is hard. I also find that if I get sucked into responding too much as though the current injustice is, objectively, an actual injustice, then the goalposts get changed -- oh, no, I'm not upset about *that,* I'm upset about this other thing! My 9-year-old daughter has a laundry list of grievances that basically come up in rotation any time she's in a bad mood (yes to hormonal! I remember this stage in my older daughter, too . . . ), and while some of them are not irrational -- like wishing for violin lessons when there isn't a teacher close by -- I can't wave a wand and grant them right now. I also can't magically make art-lesson day and Irish-dance-lesson day not be the same day and time so that she can't do both. I can't make her not be the youngest. I can't take her out to buy new shoes the minute she thinks she needs them, even if it's at 8:00 on Sunday morning. Bad mom! Neglectful mom!
It is so hard to remain calm, rational, and loving on days when this kind of thing comes up -- easier to express sympathy for things like (in my daughter's case) not wanting to be the youngest, not wanting to grow up, not wanting her brother to mess with her stuff, etc., than to deal with my own feelings of being blamed when "I want art lessons but you won't make it happen" is the line. *sigh* I wish I could say that I always respond like Wonder Mother, Queen of Charity, but I really don't. I could use prayers myself in that department, actually.
I do think, however, that while this is an age of honest high-need stuff, because of all the things that Amy mentions, it's also quite an age of -- for girls -- the heady sense of having power over other people via emotional manipulation. Girl friendships tend to operate this way a lot at this age, and daughter-mother relationships do, too. In my own daughter I see someone approaching adolescence, probably a lot faster than I'd like, if my older daughter's experience is any indication (getting your period at 10 < ideal), who senses on some probably less than conscious level that things are shifting and that she doesn't really have a safe, settled, little-kid life any more, full of omniscient and totally trustworthy adults.
Pushing my buttons about the ways that a) her life stinks and b) a lot of it is my fault because she doesn't have x, y, or z,, is her way of testing boundaries and trying to exert some power over me, because she's figured out intuitively by now that I'm not the all-powerful person she thought I was when she was smaller (actually, I'm not sure this child has ever labored under the illusion that I was all-powerful . . . but I think at one time I was more all-powerful, on a relative scale, than I am now). So she's trying to see just how powerful I actually am compared to her, and how powerful she might possibly be in relation to me. I don't think any of this is really conscious or deliberate on her part, by the way -- it's just kind of how the dynamics are, as I read them.
Anyway. I don't think you need to feel like a terrible mother, though I can certainly understand feeling that way after one of these conversations. It's very, very easy to get drawn into that 9yo-girl poor-me narrative, and very, very hard to maintain an objective distance while being sympathetic to what are certainly real feelings. As my husband likes to say, however, feelings aren't reality. Reality is reality. And reality is, for example, in my house, that art lessons and Irish dance happen at the same time, and we can't do both. Sorry. In your house, it may be that evenings are for family, not for sports practice. Sorry. That's just how it is.
Meanwhile, there may be ways to compromise on at least something she wants to do. Do you have a local YMCA? They often offer dance as well as sports, and even the non-member fees for activities are far cheaper than tuition for, say, a dance studio, or fees for a competitive soccer team. Might you ask around to see if there's anyone teaching ballet or some other dance on a free-lance basis, using a church space, for example? We do Irish dance, for example, because our DRE teaches it on a non-competitive basis for a suggested donation of $5/child/class, at our church. (still a drag that it coincides with art lessons, which are the one other thing my daughter would want to do, but these art lessons were really pricey by comparison, so I'm not too sad myself).
I think at this age it's normal to want to do EVERYTHING, especially if other girls do it; it's normal to be both introspective and kind of fault-finding about her own life; it's normal, though not really acceptable behavior, to blame Mom, explicitly or implicitly, for whatever she feels is wrong or lacking; it's normal to be kind of button-pushing, and to be pretty good at it. If there's a silver lining to the difficulties of this age, I think it's that being good at button-pushing is probably a function of a good, close, loving relationship -- to push your buttons, she has to know you pretty well! The challenge is to remain clear about what is and isn't possible, what is and isn't reality, what is and isn't objectively your fault or even within the purview of being a good and loving mother, and to refuse, calmly and lovingly, to buy into some other version of things.
And, as Amy wisely says, the other challenge is to look for ways to love on her when this conversation isn't going on. It is a stage, and it will pass. I'll pray for you -- please pray for me, too!
Sally
PS: Cross-posting with several people while writing this tome, I see! And I see that you've found one workable compromise -- that's great!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2013 at 2:39pm | IP Logged
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I find this can be helpful for me too.
Quote:
Parents will remind themselves that it is certainly less serious to deny their children certain comforts or material advantages than to deprive them of the presence of brothers and sisters.
- Pope John Paul II in his homily on Oct. 7, 1979 |
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Aagot
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Hee,hee. Well, I am laying on my bed checking the forums and listening to my 10 yr old dd say, "i hate school! Why do you make me do this stuff! It is soooooooo hard! Where do I write this, what do I do?" (of course all of that has been explained ad nauseum) then in frustration she throws herself back against the wall and hurts her head. What does she say then? "you are so mean!"
of course I am because then I tell her that she will not play any games today unless it is done and if she drags this delaying out any longer she will be doing school on Saturday too. Sometimes, I don't think we are asking too much of our kids but really too little. They have too much free time to plan how miserable they are!
In the time it took to finish this, she is now quietly working. Go figure!
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JodieLyn
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Being a "mean mom" is ok. Besides when those boys get taller than you and snicker at you and say "I'm taller" you can just grin back and say "I'm meaner" 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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3ringcircus
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Any local YMCA/YWCA around that offers different sports or dance classes? Those are less expensive than the typical clubs and studios. Also, our city has local rec. centers that offer sports leagues that are very inexpensive. The nice thing about those two options is that it's very little pressure. If the family just can't get there for whatever reason, nobody is going to get bent out of shape about it, and you don't waste a lot of $.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
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Kristie 4
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Nine year old girls  That was a very hard year!
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Erin
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SallyT wrote:
| Yes, I'm there right now. Nine for girls is kind of an "injustice-a-day-club" age, and it is hard. I also find that if I get sucked into responding too much as though the current injustice is, objectively, an actual injustice, then the goalposts get changed -- oh, no, I'm not upset about *that,* I'm upset about this other thing! My 9-year-old daughter has a laundry list of grievances that basically come up in rotation any time she's in a bad mood (yes to hormonal! I remember this stage in my older daughter, too . . . ), |
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Oh I'm laughing now, you've just jolted a memory.
When 2nd dd was 9, one day she was running away, her life was horrible and she was setting out through the bush to find a new family. I tried to disengage and calmly said, "well what will you eat?" (there is a well known ad here in Aust. - little boy is about to run away but his mum recommends he eats his Uncle Toby's oats (porridge) first, he never leaves ).
In high drama she answered, "bugs! I'll be like Bear Grylls and eat bugs"
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Aagot
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Yummy, bugs would sure make me follow through too funny
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SallyT
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Ha! We have many, many "I'm running away to find a NICE family" days around here.
Sally
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CrunchyMom
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So many great replies. I don't have a 9 year old girl, but I have a 9 year old boy, and one thing I have noticed about this age is that they're just figuring out your "mama guilt" buttons and are pretty adept at pushing them
Not to dismiss the real feelings they have, but I think sometimes it is a result of their realization that they have the power to hurt us!
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Mimip
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Yep, 10 year old girl here that could belong in the "injustice-a-day" club as well.
My biggest frustration is when she asks my opinion, doesn't like the one I give and then blames me for having to make a choice at all. Of course that was what she wanted to start with: the ability to choose.
Ahhhhh, the realities of mothering the pre pubescent girl!
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Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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Kristie 4
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Oh, 9 year old boys are good at the mama guilt buttons- especially the youngest!
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SallyT
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Too true. My boys in this age range have tended to be very, very moody and irascible, melting down in rages over tiny things which to them become huge and all-encompassing, and it's easy to get sucked into that kind of injustice club, too. This conversation has been a helpful reminder to me that parenting is so much about keeping a balanced perspective, which I as the emotive and impulsive parent tend not to be good at. The husbandly long work days start to feel *really* long on this end sometimes!
Sally
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tradmom
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I am glad I read this post because I'm glad I am not the only one with a 9 year old daughter that acts the same way! What a relief. Some days I wonder what happened to my sweet girl!
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10 Bright Stars
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Well, for starters, you should take comfort in the fact that she trusted you enough to dump all of that in your lap! That is a good sign!  So, what to do from here? Well, here would be my two cents. We are called to live the life that God has called US to live, not someone else's life. The other child whose parents CAN afford ballet, piano, dance; that is their life, and that is what THEY are called to live. We do not have the money for those things, so what is God calling US to do? For starters, try to focus her on the blessings in her life. Not in a lecture way, but in little "here and there" ways. Example: "WOW! Isn't it awesome that you have the time to bake homemade bread when you want to? (or whatever she is into. My daughter watches cooking shows and then trys her hand at the recipes. She has learned a lot, and we praise her for it. Also, she is super crafty. She honestly thinks up SOME sort of craft each and every day to do. Today, she is making a clothes closet from an American Girl doll box (My Mom gave her the doll for Christmas.) She looked under doll stuff on pinterest and has been at it all afternoon. She crochets. She has started doing "preschool" with her 2 and 3 year old brother. Is she "special". No, but we praise her for her gifts and talents, and focus her energy!! Your daughter may be bored, and be falling into the temptation to "covet her neighbors goods." See it as that...a possible entry into a temptation to sin or wish she could do this or that...not saying she is...I mean, I am not there and am not talking bad about your precious little lady!, my point is...see it from a non-mother guilt perspective!! Get that TOTALLY out of the way. If your best friend came over with a new car, a ring her husband gave her "just because", and excitedly told you about the new kitchen she was getting...you'd be a little ticked off, right?  So, she is possibly just feeling the natural emotion of envy, but you, as mother, MUST STEER HER FROM THIS DANGEROUS EMOTION! This is something that she must learn to deal with, since, we ALL feel this way all the time. Just pull up another homeschool mom's blog, and you are bound to feel a little "less than". She is just feeling this way too. Also, she may just be feeling "left out". The friends are doing dance and she cannot. What is she missing? That is what she is feeling. Perfectly natural, but she needs to be LED as to how to DEAL with these new, grown-up emotions, BY MOM. You don't have to feel guilty for not being able to afford lessons. You have given EVERYTHING for your daughter. Dance is something extra that you DO NOT have to feel guilty about not being able to afford. Maybe try to think if she is feeling left out? Then, come up with something she can do with the friends she wants to see, at home. Maybe plan for a spring tea? Or, an outing to the park she invites them to, and she makes the sandwiches and snacks to bring and plays hostess. Then praise her for how well she organized it and pulled it off. "Everyone looked like they had a great time!" This will show her that there are OTHER ways to interact with friends. If she honestly just wants to dance etc., then tell her if it is God's will that she dance, He will somehow provide! Maybe there is a family friend or a person you know who could give her some pointers on the side, and how about "screened" lessons on YOUtube? My daughter learned to crochet this way!!!! Nice to be able to rewind!!! So, time to steer her mentally out of mucky mental thinking! She needs some encouragement, and for you to gently guide her to a place where she feels appreciated, secure ,stimulated etc. She is probably just growing emotionally, and having the blues.
When it comes to "not wanting to learn math." Well, tell her that a lot of folks don't like math, but it is a tool that will help her later in life. I hate math too, and always really struggled with it! Do you plan on sending her to college? If not, then maybe focus on "real life" math. Or, break it into smaller, more "pleasant" bite-sized segments. Again, she just feels "dumb" when she does math...I did!, and it is also hard and requires patient diligence. All good virtues for real life. So, not negotiable. Have sympathy, but require the work. The world will NOT make the concessions for her that we as mothers want to and do for our children. It will eat them alive!!! So, we must prepare them for it!
She can read her own fluffy books at bedtime. Send her to bed early. She sounds like she needs more sleep! Seriously!! All of my kids have gone through this stage. They are getting new hormones, and they need to sleep!!! Wi/win for everyone! She will be better rested, be able to read, and you will have a happy kid to live with!
Being the oldest: God has placed her in a privaledged place. She had you both all to herself. The other kids had to always share you and your husand with her. She has a special place in your heart, and always will. (So true, right? ) God has entrusted her to be an example of leadership to her brothers and sisters. Something she should take very seriously. Give examples of the gifts of being a first-born from the Bible.
Not liking to "do hard things". Again, virtue training. She has to learn to do hard things because life IS hard. Mom and Dad love her, but they won't always be there. Again, she needs successes. I feel this way sometimes. Is she a perfectionist? A tendency in first-borns. (I am one.) And, sometimes, the thought of trying and failing is just too much. Try to set up situations where she can have sucess and gain confidence. Also, require things of her. She has to complete certain chores, help with dinner, fold laundry etc. And, hold her accountable for school work. Let some things slide that aren't as necc. and are more of "mommy wishes" (the Latin). She can do it, but don't "hold the line" of perfection as much.
Anyway, dinner is ready! Must run! So, put the mommy guilt away! It is a tool of the devil to confuse us moms! Think about the situation as an outsider, and THEN what would you do? Then, mix in mommy love, and tweak the plan for your daughter. She just needs help getting down the stream. She is just stuck on a branch so to speak in the stream of life. Also, check for signs of being self-absorbed. (Only going on what you have said, and with 10 kids, I see a lot of it, and we all suffer from it ourselves.) Set up situations for her to serve and get outside of her own head. Helping a sibling can be a great way! Or, making cookies for the family.
And, of course, pray for her! I am sure you already do!!
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Feeling like a horrible mom after talk
