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teachingmyown
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| Posted: May 08 2006 at 4:11pm | IP Logged
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How do you all deal with teasing in your homes? I am assuming that it happens in all large families to some degree. We have reached the boiling point here.
The main problem is my ds 14 teasing my ds8. Ds 8 responds just the way his brother wants, lots of screaming, throwing things, crying, etc. I often get more mad at him than the instigator. Ds 14 is extremely jealous of his little brother. He is convinced that my husband favors ds 8 and lets him get away with so much. I have tried to explain that as parents we are learning as we go and that the fact that his dad was harder on him at 8 has more to do with the learning process than favoritism.
I do feel, although I keep it to myself, is that he is right to a certain extent and his little brother does get away with alot. I don't even know where to start with that aspect of it, as my husband adamently denies this. Throw in the moodiness and defiance of a teenage boy and it can certainly look like one son is more loved than the other.
So, first of all, how do I deal with the immediate situation of the teasing and fighting?
Any suggestions for the hurt feelings that are causing this would be great too.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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stefoodie
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| Posted: May 08 2006 at 5:49pm | IP Logged
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molly, i don't have a lot of great words of wisdom for you because we're still dealing with it and haven't graduated:). teasing happens here at home too, usually between the boys (ages 7 and 9) and now the girl too (4, the 7-yo teases her when she gets bossy or acts bratty). we let it go on unless it's calling names or saying hurtful things, in which case we immediately put a stop to it. but some books that have helped us are "bringing up boys", "raising a son", "the power of a praying parent" and "the five love languages of children".
hope that helps,
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stef
mom to five
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Dawnie
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| Posted: May 08 2006 at 6:17pm | IP Logged
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Molly,
I know how frustrating teasing and fighting can be. My two oldest girls, ages 7 and 4 frequently argue. It seems like this happens most often when I am trying to get something else done, like cleaning up a huge mess in the kitchen or making dinner. Sometimes part of prevention, for me, is keeping them with me while I do the chores. It takes longer for me to complete, but at least there is peace.
My kids are a lot younger than yours, but this is what I do when they tease and fight. Usually, the 7yo is teasing the 4 yo. I remind her that she is to treat her sister as she herself would like to be treated. I usually give her a warning, and if the behavior continues, I put her in time out. Sometimes I have to go through this routine several times before she will stop pestering her sister. I also use time out for yelling. When the time out is over, I de-brief the child, going over what they did wrong, asking them to apologize to the wronged party (I also have the victim forgive the offender), and then we talk about what they could do different next time. It's a teaching opportunity. I don't know if time-out would be effective for you 14yo, but I'm sure you could think of other consequences for him that would be.
If things get really bad, I separate the children for 30 minutes by sending them to separate rooms. They are usually much calmer after the 30 minutes and play together better. I think at times, the children just need some "alone" time.
There are some things my DH does that I don't approve of either. We have very different parenting styles, and although I wish that we were of one mind in this area, I've recently come to the conclusion that I just have to accept the way he is and allow him to find his own way as a parent. If he does something that I think is really out of line, I try to only talk to him about it in private. If we still don't see eye-to-eye, I figure that I've done my best and then I pray for him. This has been (and continues to be) a mighty struggle for me, as I like to have everything "my way." St. Teresa of Avila says that one of the best ways to instill virtue in someone else is to practice it yourself with "great perfection". (you can read about this in Ch. 7 of The Way of Perfection) I have tended to want to treat my DH as another child, correcting him and trying to get him to change bad behavior. In my opinion (of course, I may be wrong!), striving to be a good example and prayer are the best courses to take when I'm unhappy with my spouse's behavior. After all, I don't really have any authority over him. I think there is a place for fraternal correction between spouses, but once I've (charitably) voiced my concerns, there isn't anything else I can do. I've found that when I think it's neccessary for me to point something out to him, the conversation goes better if I pray about it first and ask the Lord to help me find the right words.
I know that peace in my home is one of my greatest desires, and it's very upsetting for me when there is strife. Hang in there! I will pray today that the Lord helps you find a solution and blesses your home with peace.
Dawn
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5athome
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| Posted: May 08 2006 at 6:44pm | IP Logged
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Do you have a set of punishments or consequences for this that is not working?
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: May 10 2006 at 7:48pm | IP Logged
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Ugh...my 12 yr old boy loves to tease his sisters...primarily the 9 yr old. He does it for entertainment.  My husband's family calls it "recreational aggravation" and my husband is sometimes guilty of it, too.
I constantly try to stress to ds that he is to take his desires to tease and use them on his own buddies who think its funny and to leave his sisters alone. I've noticed that boys this age tease and razz each other constantly and they seem to think its hilarious, so I am trying to approach it from the "do it when its appropriate" angle rather than ban it completely. I have noticed that the more active ds is, the less likely he is to tease other family members, but he still does it more than I would like. He pushes on dh and I too, and just doesn't know where that line is between "funny" and "not so funny anymore." We are allowing that because the only way to learn that line is the hard way and I figure we are as good a set of people to practice on as any. 
We did come up with a family word that means, "STOP TEASING ME THIS INSTANT!!" Its "refuge" and I'd like to say that its working well, but my 9 yr old dd overused it and now ds kind of ignores it...sigh...I'm all ears for suggestions...
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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Christine
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| Posted: May 10 2006 at 8:24pm | IP Logged
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We have a couple of responses.
The first is to tell the child who is being teased to pray for her brother because he obviously needs the prayers. Our little boy doesn't like to hear this and stops teasing immediately.
When one of my daughters complains that their brother said such and such about them, I ask, "Well, is it true?" The answer is always, "No." I then say, "Well, if it's not true, then you don't need to worry about it." I follow, once again, with telling the child to say a prayer for their brother.
We have also explained, privately and repeatedly, to our children that all the teaser wants is a response and if they don't respond, the teasing will stop.
Come to think of it, there has not been any teasing in our house lately.
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Christine
Mommy to 4 girls, 5 boys, & 2 in God's care
Memories of a Catholic Wife and Mother
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: teasing
