| Author | |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: Jan 23 2013 at 9:02pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
So, knowing we have a varying array of temperments, I'm curious how you handle not only your own anger and frustration, but also with your children? I will admit to being more prone to anger and frustration than say my DH and also not in controlling my letting others know when I am angry and frustrated.  I just don't get how some things DON'T irritate my DH and they do me...and many more things DO irritate me than him. Personality difference perhaps but then it seems like such a cross to be so cross (no pun intended...that just came out).
2 of my DC also seem more prone to things getting under their skin and displaying that anger/frustration in inappropriate ways but honestly that sets me off also and since I deal with it myself, I'm at a loss as to how to address this issue in a more calm, loving way.
I know some of the typical walk away, take some breaths, count to 10 but that really isn't helping "in the moment". Honestly, I'd like to prevent so many "in the moment" times of anger/frustration as opposed to always reacting to it. Any advice?
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Jan 23 2013 at 9:29pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Have you tried closing your eyes? This helps me to cut down the on the fuel that feeds my angst at the moment. I'm better able to take a breath and talk calmly if I'm not LOOKING AT THE DOMINO EFFECT OF IMPROPER BEHAVIORS that can overwhelm me. Yes, everyone in my family knows that when I close my eyes I'm about to lose my top!
I close my eyes a lot at Mass too. Helps me focus  .
Does anyone else close their eyes?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
3ringcircus
Forum Pro
Joined: Dec 15 2011
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 420
|
| Posted: Jan 23 2013 at 10:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My anger gets the best of me at certain times of the month. And, I have a health condition which worsens w/ stress, esp. anger. Not a good combination. I also have a child who gets right into the heart of things when I am angry about anything. He does super-annoying things exactly when I am near the boiling point about something else. And, of course, it sends me over the edge and causes me to vent my frustration at him.
For the first time very recently, when I gave a time out to a child I took the time out, too. I took the extra minute to offer up my complete exasperation, and of course, I got the inspiration I needed to get through to him. It was a very novel and rewarding experience.
I still don't know what I'm going to do w/ the other one who interferes and amplifies the situation. He's very persistent about getting into the thick of it right when I'm trying to dial myself down.
__________________
Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
3ringcircus
Forum Pro
Joined: Dec 15 2011
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 420
|
| Posted: Jan 23 2013 at 10:30pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wish I could close my ears. I am very sensitive to auditory stimuli, and it has a direct link to my emotions.
__________________
Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Jan 23 2013 at 10:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
3ringcircus wrote:
| I wish I could close my ears. I am very sensitive to auditory stimuli, and it has a direct link to my emotions. |
|
|
Sometimes I cover my ears!
Now that my children are older, we definitely take family time-outs. Everyone stops! It's a family discipline & habit. Anyone can call a time-out. We use the classic perpendicular hands as our sign.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Becky Parker
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 23 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2582
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 4:32am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Great ideas! I would never have thought to close my eyes (I'm very visual), take a time out with my child or the family time outs. Around here, with all these boys the family time outs are probably exactly what we need. My anger usually peaks when there is chaos all around me. I usually find the culprit or the one who's feeding the craziness the most and yell at him  , which I know is not effective. I'm going to try the family time out next.
Christine, is your child that interferes and amplifies the situation just insecure? I have a very hyper 9yo and when I get angry or even start yelling he can't handle it. Instead of being obedient or even just getting quiet when I am angry, he reacts completely opposite. I used to think he was just trying to make the situation worse but when I stopped to really think about this child and what makes him tick I realized it's almost scary to him when I get angry (and I'm really not that scary of a person!  ) and he doesn't know how to act, so he acts out. It helps me deal with him in these situations. I actually feel compassion for him instead of anger and it helps him to calm down.
__________________
Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
3ringcircus
Forum Pro
Joined: Dec 15 2011
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 420
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 8:37am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Becky Parker wrote:
Christine, is your child that interferes and amplifies the situation just insecure? I have a very hyper 9yo and when I get angry or even start yelling he can't handle it. Instead of being obedient or even just getting quiet when I am angry, he reacts completely opposite. I used to think he was just trying to make the situation worse but when I stopped to really think about this child and what makes him tick I realized it's almost scary to him when I get angry (and I'm really not that scary of a person! ) and he doesn't know how to act, so he acts out. It helps me deal with him in these situations. I actually feel compassion for him instead of anger and it helps him to calm down. |
|
|
Yes, I think insecure might cover it. I just realized the whole thing a few months ago. It wasn't a coincidence that he did ridiculous stuff when I was mad. He was doing that stuff because I was mad. At 5yrs, he might be old enough that I can stop him before I get to the breaking point. Not sure, though. Once he gets chastised for something, he completely crumbles and demands my full attention.
To get back to the OP, I think the anger comes from that lack of time to process and move forward. The chaos of however many kids having needs and acting inappropriately all at once is too much to process. I can see how closing ones eyes and/or demanding a T-O would give back that time.
So maybe it needs to be more pre-emptive as much as possible?
__________________
Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 8:54am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Lots of great ideas. I just wanted to point out that, while you may indeed have a shorter fuse than your dh, it mig also be that you are with the kids more without a break. I know that when my dh is home for a longer break from work, he gets testier regarding all the little irritating behaviors from the boys than he usually is.
All the coping mechanisms mentioned would still apply. I just think that sometimes mom's fuse isn't always shorter so much as it has been spent during the hours dad wasn't around
Obviously, the opposite can sometimes be true, too, that one is irritated by children because they are not accustomed to them. I just find that in my own case, I was always a super patient person before I had kids Temperamentally, I am more patient than dh, but practically, I don't lose my temper with them less than dh because I am with them 24/7.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 9:39am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I second what Lindsay said!
My dh is not with the kids all day, every day- so his kid fuse is a lot longer when he gets home.
I am persistent by temperament, and the hardest thing for me is the constant interruption. You know- how it might take you an hour to fold a load of laundry because you keep getting interrupted? How you can never get any one thing done in one fell swoop? That definitely shortens my fuse.
Sometimes I think: I just want to eat my lunch in peace. Wah!!
But watching the third episode of Downton Abby on Sunday brought me up short. Robert was in a perpetual snit and scowling all the time at everyone.
And, to my horror, I thought: "That is what I must look like half the time!" 
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 7:29pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have tried all the coping mechanisms including giving myself a time-out. I don't think I've tried closing my eyes and covering my ears though. Maybe I'll try that! I suppose it's really on a much deeper level. I have always been high-strung, tempermental, efficient, quick to get things done and known to "argue with a brick wall" kind of person.
SeaStar wrote:
But watching the third episode of Downton Abby on Sunday brought me up short. Robert was in a perpetual snit and scowling all the time at everyone.
And, to my horror, I thought: "That is what I must look like half the time!" |
|
|
I do believe this is me or at least that's how I feel!
Yesterday, I went over to Angie Mc's blog post she mentioned in Wed. shout out called Happiness Rejectors and then from there went to the post about temperments:
Temperments
I've read some of these type of things before but I guess never really dwelled on them or gave it much more than a passing thought when it was just me. But now with 4 kids (and DH) who obviously think and react and behave (SHOCKINGLY ) different than me I decided to read up on it some more.
I've always just wondered how some people could let things roll off their back, not lose their cool, stay calm amidst chaos. I did a lot of reading on that site and others last night and one thing that would help (I believe) is spending more time at Mass and at confession. I think both allow me to bring myself down "off my high horse" and humbly realize that and think more about what's going on with the others around me instead of being so darn mad that nothing is going my way and in my time. I'll admit that the passionate personality (as mentioned in that site and others) has its place and without it there is a lot I prob. couldn't do. But I'm trying to find a way to rein in the negative aspects of being so passionate about *everything*!.
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 8:05pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My experience since I can tune out a LOT of stuff coming at me aurally.. is that noise is the one thing that drives others nuts at my house. Small house, many people.. lots of noise generated.. and yep I just let it all roll off.. but I see how it affects others. I'd seriously try things to help there. Including covering your ears for a break at need.. but also do you have a quiet time every day that you've trained your children to actually be quiet during?
I do know that when I'm stressed some noises can make it worse.. when I would travel alone with small children I would carry a pair of earplugs in my bag that I could reach while driving. A baby crying while I HAVE to drive until I can get to a decent place to stop could drive me over the edge.. I knew I couldn't handle it well.. so I kept earplugs with me for the rare time that I'd get a baby crying and couldn't stop to "fix it" fairlyl quickly. At least with them in I could concentrate on driving safely so that I'd have a chance to find a place to stop and take care of baby.
But noise also builds. If you're dealing with a level of noise that creates some stress.. then add in a additional stresser (especially if it's also noisey) and you will be more likely to have a short fuse.
It also helps a lot if I have ways that I can escape. And sometimes that means just stepping outside the door no matter how cold it is.. so give my ears a rest before things get so stressful that I blow up.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 10:02pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes, the noise does bother me greatly. I might need to find some ear plugs for sure. Never ever thought about getting those and esp. in the car and I can't tell you how many times that noise level sends me into a tailspin. Seems like such an easy thing so why didn't I ever think of that?
I need to learn to walk away more. I tend to engage more than I should to set things right, RIGHT THEN instead of letting the emotions die down. Those are def. 2 practical things to help me in the day-to-day.
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2013 at 10:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
JodieLyn wrote:
| but also do you have a quiet time every day that you've trained your children to actually be quiet during? |
|
|
I honestly don't. The 2 I need the biggest break from are also the 2 most highly charged and it's always taken so much to get them quiet consistently and regularly. Plus, I (like most everyone here) feel like I have sooo much to do, that there is no downtime available. So if I can get one quiet, I usu. then move right into work with the other (while toddler is napping). Now that the 2 yr old is climbing out of her crib though I've been having to lay down with her till she falls asleep and that's usu. only 10-20 min tops but I've usu. been falling asleep. Ahhh...bliss! Reminds of the the nursing days when you're forced to stop and be still and be silent (well, sometimes) with your own thoughts. But when I do need a break from them all, I usu. resort to tv or send them outside if it's nice but then that usu. ends up in me having to referee something or other. I've really tried that quiet time but I've just never been able to be consistent about it.
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kitty witty
Forum Newbie
Joined: July 22 2012
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12
|
| Posted: Jan 25 2013 at 8:47pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
D has a much shorter fuse than I. But I think it's less of what I can handle than how I handle it. I tend to bottle it up and break down at the last straw. Luckily I've trained myself to tune things out (two ear surgeries helped!) and to take it outside. I go out and do something. Walk, pull weeds, move bricks, whatever I have to do. Even with the kids tagging along, just getting outside helps. I would suggest trying out that one (or more!) comfort that can help you redirect your anger. Vacuuming with headphones on also really helps. ;)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
Forum Locked) 
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Dealing with Anger
