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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 6:29am | IP Logged
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Since my baby (just turned 2) was born when I was 47, I know he is going to have to deal with me and dh in our old age. I didn't think much about that until recently. My mom has declined rapidly in physical and mental health in just 2 years. She has gone from strong, caring, "favorite fun grandma" status to elderly, feeble, frail, forgetful, grumpy grandma status. It hurts me terribly to see her this way and I don't understand how it all happened. I love her dearly and want to care for her in any way I can. She is staying here for about a month through the holidays.
So that's the background. Now for my plea for help. It's not going well. My kids are reacting to my stress with terrible behavior. They are hurting each other, being disrespectful to me, hiding in their rooms when they should be doing chores ...
Add to that the fact the dh has had to work late every night this week and he's going to be gone Saturday finishing up Christmas shopping for me. That is actually a sacrifice for him so I know he's doing it with good intentions but I would LOVE to leave the house for a few hours and go shopping right now - even though I hate crowded stores.
It's almost like we need to have the house blessed and dunk everyone in holy water! I did not dream it would be this way. To make matter worse, and maybe this is the cause of my stress, my mom thinks it's because we homeschool. UGH! That is not the homeschool picture I wanted to give her! It hurts terribly.
Okay, so that was my rant.  Sorry. I just wanted this to be such a warm experience for everyone involved. I envisioned happy children, working on their gifts for each other (we do a homemade gift exchange), decorating the tree, night time Christmas light drives ...
But instead I have this unpleasant situation that I don't seem to be able to get a grip on.
Help! Any suggestions?
A couple of positives before I go -
I took my mom to Mass on Sunday and she noticed the people going in and out of confession. She said she hasn't been in years and would love to go. So we're going to get there early next week so she can go.
I took her to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament on Tuesday. I felt such peace. I wish I could take her every day.
Finally, she laughed for the first time the other day over the antics of my 2 yo. Wow! That was such a relief. Just to see her laugh again. I got a glimmer of what I had hoped this whole thing would be like.
I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining about my mom. She has had a difficult life and now it's my turn to care for her. It's just throwing my house into turmoil and I really don't know what to do.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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stacykay
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 7:21am | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry that you are hitting these bumps in the road with integrating your mom into your already busy home life.
(Quick question- where will your mom be going after the month is up?)
Solutions? I don't know that these are all that helpful, but here are some random thoughts:
Could you gather all the dc together, tell them how hard it is for you to see your formerly active and fun-loving mom feeling the effects of age in this way? And that maybe they are sad for her, too? Ask them to help you brainstorm their ideas on how to help with grandma and make her happier, as it has to be so hard for her to experience weakness and forgetfulness. (ie. get them on the same team as you.) And ask them to help you, too, in maybe saying a prayer for you, and you are doing the same for them.
Could you talk to your mom and tell her that it hurts to hear her criticize your homeschool? Every child, homeschooled or not, is getting hyper at this time of year! It's Christmas!!! 
Is your mom able to play board games? Would she be able or willing to sit and play a game with them? Is there something else she could share with them? Life stories they could write down? What her life was like....what she remembers about.... that sort of thing.
Is she able to help with maybe rolling out dough or mixing up kitchen creations?
Is there an area of the house that you could set aside just for the kids to go when they need to be on their own, decompress  , relax without grandma looking over their shoulders? Or get out and play and run off lots of energy??
And is there an area of the house that your mom can escape to, maybe a place to sit and have tea and read the books you are finding for her?
This is such a busy time of year without many opportunities for downtime, but I urge you to take a few minutes to sit and relax!
Oh, music. Do you have music playing? I have discovered over the years, that saying that "music hath charms to soothe a savage beast" is so true!  (Whenever I am out with my boys and tempers start to flare, I switch on the classical station, and they settle right down!) Maybe having Christmas carols playing quietly in the background would have a calming effect?
I feel for you, Becky! A little story- One of my mom's best friends had both her mom and her m-i-l move in with her and her dh. After only a few weeks, she (my mom's friend) landed up at the doctors. The doctor called her dh and told him to get rid of the grandmas or he'd be losing his wife! Those women were feuding with each other, criticizing my mum's friend, rearranging every cupboard and closet in the house, moving furniture around! (they were little, too!), and causing general chaos, every single day.
I don't know that anything I've written is helpful, but I am praying for you! 
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 7:51am | IP Logged
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Dh's siblings/ILs have joked along with us of keeping a list of all the things we want to remember when we are old, but we decided that by the time we were old, we'd probably dismiss that stupid old list anyway
One SIL related how she remembers Dh's dad explicitly complaining about his own father--his complaints being of what is now his exact behavior!!!
I think that a great deal of the grumpiness of the old is simply being uncomfortable a lot of the time. I remember the times I've been in pain, and it is very hard to put forth the energy to be cheerful when so much energy is consumed by simply managing your pain.
Also, I recall that when my MIL first suffered severe vision loss, the visits those first two years were extremely difficult. She was very bitter about her reduced independence.
You say that your mother's health has declined rapidly and suddenly these past two years. Not knowing the details or extent to which she's been unable to continue in her past pursuits, I would suggest that she's having as hard a time dealing with her age and health as you are. I will say that my MIL has adjusted and isn't as emotionally challenging as she was, but my FIL still refuses to try hearing aides, though there are about a million people volunteering to pay for them  , and that is another huge challenge!!! All this to say, I think that your situation is pretty normal.
I will say that a month is a long time. We now have a rule that we only stay 5 nights when visiting family. We live far away, making the trip to either of our families only once a year, but while we used to think we needed to make the most of our time spent traveling, we've since decided that it is best to leave with both sides wishing for more than that one or two extra nights that make us all relieved the visit is over We also plan for errands and trips throughout to give both us and the parents/grandparents a break, even for just those 6 days!
Now, I realize your situation is very different, and you are committed to this extended time with good reason. It is challenging because is too short to go through the sort of adjustment that would happen if she moved in but long enough to create a lot of tension! However, it might be that you need to, if possible, schedule some breaks for both you and your mother. It sounds like that will be hard with your husband's long hours. Do you have an older friend without little ones who might be able to take your mother for an hour or so either to do some light shopping, visit a local museum or attraction, see a seasonal concert, or maybe just get some coffee and a pastry?
Of course, if you could manage a trip with the two of you, that could be nice as well, but I'm thinking about the possibility that she might like a break from you, too
Also, you might consider taking all the children out, which I KNOW is huge, but she might like some quiet time on her own, and you all might be refreshed from a chance to breath as well.
My heart is with you, Becky. I definitely see just how challenging this must be! It is your love for your mother that makes it all the harder!
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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stacykay
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 8:31am | IP Logged
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Oh, and one other thing I forgot- even in the best of circumstances and children. I have found that the older folks get (and no matter healthy and active or not), the more and more set-in-their-ways they become, and when grandchildren come visiting or visa versa, stress levels shoot through the roof! What Linday says about being between a short visit and a long-term move-in is so true!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 11:50am | IP Logged
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No solutions, but I will pray and pray some more. I imagine that even if you're mother was in top form it would still throw everyone off somewhat to have her with you for a while month, especially this time of year.
We also get the "it's because you homeschool" line for every little bump in the road. And at Thanksgiving I was treated to the horror with which some of my relatives view my homeschooling. 
Argh... just have to have a thick skin on that front. No one has perfect kids.
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 12:10pm | IP Logged
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Becky, wish I could give you a great BIG hug in person!
You will make it through these days!!!! If possible, pull dc aside and let them know how much you love them and that you understand how unsettling it is for everyone to see your mom, their grandma, the way she is now. Share with them that these are stressful times for you, and let them know you realize it's stressful for them as well. So many difficulties in life can be lessened or diffused by simply acknowledging and sharing them with one another! A good heart-to-heart can really help everyone regroup!
Perhaps you can enlist your children in finding ways to make things a little easier for the rest of the time your mother is with you! Children can help a great deal during such times and those efforts can actually plant seeds of charity and self-sacrifice in their souls for adult life! You might make a list of things that would lessen the load and ask them to volunteer for an area where they could make the best contribution: cooking, washing dishes, laundry, playing cards or games with grandma, doing a craft with grandma ~ even your youngest could ask grandma to read them a picture book!
If you aren't already doing so you might want to take B100 complex, which is helpful for stress. During similar times I make sure to take supplements to boost immunity: echinacea, astralugus, elderberry or probiotics are good. You may also find it helpful to include healthy snacks between meals ~ stabilizing blood sugars and moods for everyone: a handful of nuts, a piece of fruit, yogurt, string cheese, smoothies or cracker spread with nut butter or cheese are good pick-me-ups.
Last of all, but most of all, family prayertime, even if it's an extended grace before meals, can help remind everyone that God's grace is right there in the midst of all that you are doing with, and for, your mother. May our Lord bring your family even closer together during this time spent with your dear mother and grandmother.
(BTW, we've noticed weather and full moon having a definite impact on our household ~ it helps me make it through the day if I simply acknowledge such effects and remind myself that it's temporary and ride out the storm, literally!)
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Booksnbabes
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 12:16pm | IP Logged
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Becky, ! My kids get out-of-sorts from an afternoon at Grandma's, so an entire month of upset household routine/accommodating another...I can only imagine! Bless you for having her with you! It's a crazy time, there are many stressors in the house right now, and it's just going to take some time for everyone to adjust and come down from these adrenaline highs.
Two suggestions came to mind when reading your post.
The first is: have a quiet place for her. Does she have a space she can go to get away from everyone? To go from living alone to a household full of people has to be stressful, no matter how much the event might have been excitedly anticipated. Even if it is just the room in which she is staying, is there space for a comfy chair and a table for books or puzzles? Is there a radio or cd player so she can listen to whatever she chooses? I imagine down-time is going to be very important for her (and all of you!).
The second is: focus on what she CAN do now rather than focusing on all that has been lost, so to speak. Can she do puzzles? Play cards? Draw? Read? To be able to have everyone at the table, sharing crayons and paper could be a lot of fun! Encourage the kids to do this as well, coach them on it if need be. And it might be time to refocus on habit formation (and reformation) rather than trying to stick to the usual routine. Yes, it is a crazy time of year, but that doesn't mean they get to be selfish and disrespectful in their behavior. Maybe a "family meeting" as a heads-up that you will be focusing on appropriate behavior and coming down especially hard on inappropriate behavior would be in order?
Oh, one more just popped into my mind. Try to remember that it is your home, and she is a beloved and valued guest--but she is a guest. If there is something she is doing that is being particularly disruptive, share that with her in a calm, loving manner. She may not see the impact her visit is having on everyone because she isn't there to see the "normal" behavior. If she says something hurtful, address it lovingly. If there are comments about homeschooling, respond politely, but make it clear that those comments are hurtful and you would appreciate it if they stopped. Let her know that this isn't "normal" behavior, that everyone is adjusting to the season, dad working late, all the factors you mentioned that are contributing to craziness right now. She loves you, you love her, so make sure there is effective communication so that love can flow more freely. Ask her if there is anything in particular that she would like to see changed to make her stay a little less stressful--taking the kids out once in a while might make all the difference. Do you know her love language? Maybe make extra effort to speak it right now. If gifts, maybe flowers in her room or a nice lotion, if words, maybe notes in unexpected places letting her know how glad you are she is with you, even if things are crazy!
And please, do take time for yourself! If your stress is a primary contributor to the general madness, you need to work on reducing that or the problem WILL NOT go away. Take time away, if just a 5 minute walk. Is you mom capable of staying with the children, or are the older siblings capable of being responsible for the house for that short a time? Then just do it! And if the kids are crazy, send those guys outside!!! It will do wonders for their attitudes. If outside isn't possible, then put on crazy music and SCHEDULE some craziness to get the energy out. Make it clear that they can be as wild as they want (within appropriate boundaries--no breaking things, etc.) while the music is playing, but after the music stops in 15 minutes (or whatever time), it's back to proper indoor behavior and noise level. Have calm music to signal the transition and maybe go right into a read aloud time to aid the stopping of the antics. Have everyone dance--even grandma if she's up to participating. If she isn't, this would be a good time for that quiet place!
One note, you need to let go of the ideal you had in your head. That was your plan, and you need to get it out of the way so you can see God's plan. My plans (and those plans not being realized) are the surest way for me to be blinded to God's plan and His grace in the moment. (Did I mention I'm really horrible at this, even though I realize it needs to be done?  )
Kudos to you for ending your post with positives. Those are some really, really wonderful, exciting positives!!!  Hold on to those, let go of the ideal, roll with what you have.
May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference!
I don't know if any of this will help as I don't really know your family and I'm not there living it, but know you are all in my prayers!
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Wife to wonderful DH, mom to SIX beautiful gifts from God!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 12:46pm | IP Logged
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These wise words from so many wonderful ladies have me smiling and tearing up at the same time.
I have one thought to add from my experiences with my own beloved older family members.
Your mom may be cranky because she is worried. Worried a grandchild will fall and she will be unable to pick up that child because she is not strong enough. Worried that she will trip and fall in an unfamiliar place. Worried that she will really forget where she is. Worried that she will need emergency medical care far from home. Worried about getting into the shower or up the stairs or into a car that isn't hers. All those easy transitions to and from places and vehicles aren't so easy for our older family members.
I know my family members don't want to worry me with their worries...but those worries come out anyway, as complaints, or crankiness, or criticism (as in, "Why did you buy a two-story house, anyway?"). It's up to me to recognize those cues and pass info on to my children so they understand what is really going on.
It's hard, at least for me, to be the go-between. As an introvert, I would rather run and hide! My own parents set a beautiful example for me when they cared for my dying grandmother in our home, and I definitely want to honor that example - especially now, when I truly realize how very, very, very hard that months-long task was for them.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 21 2012 at 4:57am | IP Logged
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Thank you so much for this helpful discussion. I haven't had but a minute or two here and there to come on line, so I haven't responded. What a blessing it is to have people who understand! I love my mother dearly! The thought of her going to a nursing home just kills me. That is why she is staying here for a bit, to see what we would need to do to make this long term.
Yesterday was a better day because the kids seemes less hyper and more settled. I also lightened up a bit and tried to stop worrying about what my mom thinks of everything. Today might be a bit long since overnight 3 of the boys came down with a respiratory virus and I've been up since 3:30 taking kids outside or into steamy bathrooms to help them breathe. Maybe they will sleep a lot today though and that will give mom a break.
She keeps saying she wants to go to the mall... I'm not sure how that will work, but I know she misses Christmas shopping. (She's always been one of those "shop til you drop" kinda ladies! I'm the opposite, so keep the prayers coming! )
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Dec 21 2012 at 8:14am | IP Logged
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Becky,
I can't add much to the other wonderful advice about dealing with an aging parent.
My situation was somewhat different in that it was end of life care for my brother, who was, relatively speaking much younger at 34. Still...the same decline in spirit and cheerfulness occurred and I agree with Lindsay's observation that in putting forth so much energy to deal with their physical pain, the ability to filter almost anything is gone. They don't have energy for anything else - yet some snippets of memory remain of "this is how I used to be," or "I remember when I could do this..." pop in and I think make the suffering for them all the more painful. This is truly such a cross! This was hard on my children who were very used to an ebullient, energetic uncle...and it was hard for me to see, too! I can just imagine that there must be some common denominators y'all are experiencing with your mom in your home right now! Anyway, the reason I shared that was just to say that though it is a real cross, and has really caused an upheaval in your daily routines and order, the value of this time spent is great!
I love all the ideas shared to sit down with the kids. Be honest. Convey your unconditional love for them which provides security when (for the littles especially) their sense of security may be troubled because Grandma isn't the "same" as she used to be and they don't understand why.
I'd also probably relax a TON of my expectations and work on basics - dinner, laundry, reasonably clean home, and some downtime priorities for all! I love Stacy's suggestion of trying to carve out some special alone space for Grandma, and also the kids, and that brings me to my final suggestion:
Carve out a small corner of space (maybe a corner in your bedroom) for you!!! This space can be life saving! You don't have to envision spending hours there...but just imagine if you had a comfy chair, small side table, and basket of favorite prayer books arranged in a little corner. 15 minutes of prayer time for you ALONE! Then...if your budget allows, or if you can rob from somewhere else in the house...I might even try to arrange a little tv/flat screen and DVD selection of light movies that could provide a little refreshment to you ALONE. Your corner. A basket of special teas. A little container of special chocolates. NOTHING extravagant - just little things in a special corner so that you have a place to refresh and recollect in prayer and also through something light that lifts your spirits!
to you my friend! This is no easy walk! I'm praying for you as you seek to recover a little bit of order and routine for your home, and provide a little refreshment for your entire family! You are such a good daughter to honor your mother with such care and tender sensitivity, and a wonderful mother to seek to balance your unconditional love of your children and family with caring for your mom!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
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stacykay
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| Posted: Dec 26 2012 at 4:49pm | IP Logged
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Hi Becky,
I've been thinking of you and wondering how all is going. Prayers!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 27 2012 at 7:20am | IP Logged
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I found this on Pinterest this morning... It's a humbling reminder for me when these days get a little difficult ~
Letter from a Mother to a Daughter: “My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way… remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day… the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter.”
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Becky
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Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Dec 27 2012 at 7:25am | IP Logged
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Becky, that is so beautiful and thought-provoking. Still praying.
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 27 2012 at 7:48am | IP Logged
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Thank you for your concern Stacy.
A few things are working better, like sitting down with my little boys and reading them stories. It's something that I was putting off at first but now I just do it, as soon as they ask. I'm realizing it's a needed break for me too - just sitting and reading about Thomas the Tank Engine or whatever is a mini-break and nobody can expect anything else of me because I'm reading to my little guys!
I think I was expending all my emotional energy on mom, having nothing left for my kids, which made them insecure and so they acted out. I'm realizing it's okay to let mom occasionally wait a minute so I can provide for the needs of my children. (Example - our tv is downstairs. Mom can do stairs but needs help. Everytime she wanted to go down and watch tv I was dropping everything to take her down. Now I realize I can just say, "sure mom, have a seat and we can go down as soon as I tie this shoe, change this diaper, finish this story ..." And it's okay!
I'm also letting mom do more for herself. That's actually hard because I feel so much that I need to serve her all the time. DH reminds me that she lives alone and really can get her own coffee, butter her own bread ... It's actually better for me to let her do it as that reminds her she is capable of some of these things.
I strongly believe she needs to feel needed but I don't know how to help her with that. When I suggest things, she usually she says she can't. Maybe she's just afraid she can't. She tells me she can't fold laundry, I have no idea why. I've seen her do other things that seem far more difficult. Maybe I should ask her to try, but I don't know.
So anyway, we're working on it. I realize I need to guard my heart as she sometimes makes comments that sting. This is easier for me when I am spending the time in prayer that i need to be, which is another thing I was letting slide by.
Thank you so much, everyone, for the help. I was really struggling (and sometimes still am) but your helpful replies have been so encouraging and uplifting.
__________________
Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 27 2012 at 7:53am | IP Logged
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Thanks Servant! We must have been posting at the same time. Your prayers are so helpful. When I really think about all this I realize that some of my struggle is due to the fact that I am like my mom in many ways. I am afraid of what I will be like when I am older!
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Dealing with elderly parents.
