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Barb.b
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| Posted: Oct 11 2012 at 10:47am | IP Logged
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So, DD will be confirmed NEXT year - 10th grade here. Anyway - it has been bothering me that I know they expect all teens getting confirmed to go to co-ed retreat. Any of you gals here been able to get your teens out of this and if so how. I know you are all most likely in a different diocese but your experience may help me. I also know - this is a year away - but it has been bothering me greatly! If my church says dd HAS to go to the retreat - I won't have her get confirmed - which is tragic really!
Hoping for some hope that I will be able to get her out of this. And why oh why do SOOOO many catholic churches think they can have co-ed retreats or that they are even helpful! From what I hear from teens who have gone they are stupid. OH - not to mention - why would I send my teen on the retreat with adult counselors I don't know. Backround check and safety class - really don't ensure teens are safe!!
Barb
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Oct 11 2012 at 11:27am | IP Logged
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Oh - one more thing I don't like is my dd would be on a retreat with ALL the kids being confirmed. That means (with a large parish like mine) with not only luke warm teens but teens who do all sorts of immoral things! You know : drink, drugs, se%. . .
Barb
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 11 2012 at 11:33am | IP Logged
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I don't know about getting her out of it.. but as an alternate you might see about being able to attend yourself as a chaporone or such?
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Barb.b
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Well, I'm a single parent and wouldn't be able to do that with a 9yr old son. I think I just might have to be one of those annoying parents. So far I will first ask what the alternate activity is if a teen can't/won't go. Second (when they say there is no alternate activity) I will say that we refuse to attend but will do everything else (confession, meet with pastor, and the silly volunteer stuff - I just call it silly because one teen my oldest knew volunteered at the local animal shelter and it counted towards the volunteer requirement of confirmation). If that doesn't work I make appointment to talk with the pastor then try to talk with someone on the diosese level. I just can't believe I'm the only one in the Fort Worth Diocese that won't let a teen daughter go on a TWO NIGHT OVERNIGHT COED retreat weekend!
UGH. I love my faith - but sometimes the catholic church can be clueless!
Barb
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MaryM
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In our diocese we have this paragraph in the Pastoral Handbook. This is what parents use to exclude their students from this type of retreat, as more can't be required of the confirmandi than the Church (canon law) requires. How receptive an individual parish/pastor/DRE is this varies among the parishes.
Quote:
5.3.2. Catechesis for Confirmation Pastors, catechists, and parents are to be careful that more is not required of confirmands for the reception of this sacrament than that which is required by the Church. Confirmation is
not to be used as a means to maintain an individual's attendance in religious education programs.
5.3.2.1. Parishes are to make suitable provision for the catechesis of the parents of those to be confirmed.
5.3.2.2. The Rite of Confirmation should be an integral part of the catechetical process. Those to be confirmed should be familiar with the gestures and prayers of the Rite. |
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Mary M. in Denver
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Mackfam
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We don't have this issue in our parish, but a friend has faced it successfully with several of her children and their solution has been to work closely with the pastor and the DRE. Rather than going in armed for a battle, they begin communicating together early and often so that this isn't an issue that blindsides the DRE/Pastor, nor is it the first time both parties have met. When the time for the retreat comes up, rather than asking for an alternative, they simply suggest an alternative that meets the parish requirements for a confirmation retreat while kindly explaining their parental concerns about a co-ed retreat. Before the meeting they research wonderful retreat centers in the local area (although I should mention that they are willing to drive some distance to make this happen) and this has always been acceptable to this family's parish as an alternative to the planned co-ed retreat.
While I do understand the angst a parent would have over this issue I think it's important not to characterize the Catholic Church as clueless in this matter - the co-ed retreat is not something universally required by the Church in order to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation; this is something set in place by individual parishes. I do think there are reasonable options to explore here - you may just have to do a little legwork.
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MaryM
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Jen has added very good suggestions regarding the tone in which these matters are approached and how it is taken by the parish/DRE/Pastor. 
I also suggest this article by Ed Peters - Preparing Children for the Sacraments: Some Controversies and Suggestions as he covers the canon law requirements.
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Mary M. in Denver
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Barb.b
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Thanks for the suggestions. I will research more on what the requirements of the Catholic Church as a whole are so I can use the arguement that a church can't ask more then that. As far as alternatives - I won't research alternative retreats. I just don't thinks sending a 15 year old girl overnight on a retreat appropriate. But I will research alternatives like: weekly adoration. . . as alternatives. No - I don't want to sound like I am going in for battle. But parishes around here are so into their retreats - they think they are great and have no clue what kids go off and do in the middle of the night (I have an older son who attented RCIA and knows some who went on retreats - so I am not assuming here). What bothers me is - my dd spiritually is more then ready for the sacrament. I am praying and hoping that she will be able to be excused from this co-ed overnight (2 nights!) retreat.
Barb
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guitarnan
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I was very concerned about retreats for my children...and they both LOVED their experiences. The retreats were well chaperoned and very spiritual in orientation.
I did ask one of the older teens on my dd's retreat if he would be her go-to person if something went haywire; with his parents' consent, he agreed, and that helped set our minds at ease a bit.
You can't do anything about the other teens on the retreat, but I would suggest you find out exactly what happens on the retreat and what the arrangements are for chaperonage, sleeping spaces, etc., just in case your pastor insists that your daughter attend.
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Barb.b
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Nancy, From what I can tell - alot of good feel Kumbaya campfire type stuff. Fluff in other words.
The pastor can insist - but he can't force us. If they don't budge I will just have to do more research in what parish will - forth worth or dallas diocese.
Barb
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guitarnan
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It might be a bit more complicated than that, but I won't argue the point. I'm not in your diocese. In mine, all parishes require some type of retreat experience for Confirmation, although there have been day-retreat options available sometimes, in different years at different parishes. Perhaps you might want to research that type of alternative (no overnight).
I know that my teens had issues with certain aspects of our Confirmation program (students who didn't know basic prayers, for example, and organizational situations that were imposed from outside the classroom), but they both really, really wanted to receive this important sacrament and obtain the graces it provides.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Barb.b
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I get what you are saying Nancy. What age do your kids receive the sacrament? My issue is here it is at 10th grade. . . . really a much different group of kids then at 8th grade when many diocese have confirmation. With me it is a safety issue - it is just not smart no matter what to have co-ed retreat for 2 days. DD is used to kids not knowing basic aspect of thier faith. Yes, it is a wonderful sacrament - but nothing is worth risking potential problems with other teens who may take advantage. . . well, really they are there from Friday night till sunday afternoon. I know for a fact kids slip off into the woods and . . . .(fill in the blank - can't say it here!). No way my dd is going to be in that situation!
Barb
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guitarnan
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Our parish does it in 9th grade, although some 10th graders are permitted to join the program depending on individual circumstances.
I would never jeopardize my daughter's safety, either...believe me! It is unfortunate that things have happened in the past at your parish's retreats and no teens or parents have complained to your pastor or DRE. I'll be praying that things will change.
Were I in your shoes, I'd carefully organize my thoughts and concerns and try to be as calm and non-confrontational as possible, as one of the other members suggested earlier in this thread. I've been a DRE, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and it's hard to cope with angry parents, but easy to work with caring, calm parents. Perhaps you'll be able to effect a change or two...like persuading your parish to consider a day-long retreat option, or another retreat alternative...that will help other families, too.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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AmandaV
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I am not in this situation yet, Barb, but I can understand your concern. There were kids who got kicked out of our confirmation retreat (11th grade) for drinking, and there was lots of opportunity for bad behavior. The chaperones, leaders, and youth director were all well meaning, and I had some good experiences, but I'm not sure there was anything that couldn't have been accomplished during a day retreat.
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mom2mpr
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Is there any chance she could just go for the day and skip the overnight part? I also suggest developing a working relationship with your DRE and try to help at other confirmation events as you can. It helps.
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kristinannie
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We are doing a co-ed overnight retreat with our confirmation class. It is not mandatory though. We go to a State Park and the girls and boys are in different cabins that are not close together. We are also separating the genders a lot to be able to have discussions. I think it really depends on the situation. On my Confirmation retreat there was a lot of hooking up which disturbed me. That will not happen this year with the retreat we are holding though!
Could you go as a chaperone? I am bringing parent chaperones on our retreat.
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guitarnan
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Barb, you can probably volunteer for some Confirmation activities and bring your son along. I used to bring my daughter to all the things I did for my son - Confirmation, Boy Scouts, everything - and everyone was fine with it. (They are almost 6 years apart in age.)
I realize that can't work for the retreat itself, but perhaps it could for other classes/activities/service events.
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Topic: confirmation retreats
