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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Aug 10 2012 at 3:53pm | IP Logged
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Maybe it's just I'm finally comfortable with where I am in life right now (with little kids still running around), and not in need of validation from the outside world, but I want to gather my family and move to a place where I do not have to interact with the outside world unless I choose to do so. I just don't have the energy to make small talk in group settings anymore. I would prefer that I didn't have to socialize at all, except with family, but with the kids involved in activities there is always the inevitable picnic or party to attend. I've never been the butterfly in the room, but I always enjoyed gatherings just to observe the interactions. Now I can't even muster the energy to enjoy being a spectator!
Do others feel as anti-social as I do after 40?
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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stacykay
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Lara,
I laughed out loud at that! If that were a theme, it would have been mine all day, today (not that I haven't been thinking it before now, either!)
This morning, I was driving and thinking about time in groups, and the same desire you stated, gathering my family close. I had emailed a friend before I left home about wishing we had a desert nearby (ala monastic life like the desert Fathers,) and then I heard Paco Gavrilides talking with Peter Herbeck, on the radio, and he mentioned something about getting praying about time spent on pursuits not so much focused on God or family, and then!, I heard the saint story, St. John Chrysostom, who went out and spent time in a cave (we don't have any caves nearby, either.)
I just thought it was all so funny that my desire to sort of corral my family and hole up somewhere was sort of resonating in all I heard.
I, too, wonder if it is the age we are at, or what.
I haven't exactly given you any insight into this, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your lack of enthusiasm for the parties and gatherings.
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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stefoodie
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It's the age, but I think it's also what's happening in the world today.
I've never been much of a social person, and am very uncomfortable with small talk! I am however more comfortable around like-minded people (fellow Catholics, homeschoolers...). I don't really enjoy the kind of conversation that's typical at parties and gatherings -- weather, fashion, the latest movies, TV shows, how kids are driving parents crazy, that kind of thing. 
If I could take my family and go cocoon on a farm somewhere, with the occasional visitor/extended family, I'd be okay. Well, I'd like Internet access too, to keep in touch with loved ones far away, but for the most part that's all I'd need. It helps that hubby's the same way too -- we're happiest when we're just with family relaxing. Partying with people we hardly know is just WAY.TOO.MUCH.WORK. 
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stef
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Aagot
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| Posted: Aug 10 2012 at 7:29pm | IP Logged
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Count me in! I am looking for a deserted island or a forested getaway with a nice meadow in the middle and a babbling brook running through. Nice fertile ground to raise all our food and a good kitchen and storage. Hmmm, a log house with fireplace, okay, I had better stop.
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stacykay
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| Posted: Aug 10 2012 at 9:14pm | IP Logged
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Hey, I like the farm, island and forest get-away ideas much better than the desert or a cave!  
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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mom2mpr
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Just returned from the company picnic. I really did not want to go. I sometimes think I missed that calling to contemplative life. I did not belong but survived.
Now we are back in the country at home. Ahhhh.....
It is good to know it is part of the age.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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JennGM
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I am introverted naturally, but I'm now noticing that I just am not handling group activities very well. I kind of get blinders on and just cope, but I don't socialize well.
Now one on one, or small groups, I'm good. But I get easily overwhelmed if it's all new and strange and too much.
And it's not getting better; it's getting harder as I'm older.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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SallyT
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Wow, I could have written that, too. For me, I think a lot of it has been simple fatigue -- every time I was newly pregnant, for example, I found I was *just too tired* to go to parties or even chitchat over coffee after church. I'm an introvert, and in social situations I can just feel the energy draining out of me, even at the best of times. At times when my energy is compromised, even the thought of making that effort is crushing. Peri-menopause/menopause have been very like that -- like a first trimester that never ends, in terms of fatigue. Dietary changes, vitamins, sleep and exercise have helped a good deal, but in general I don't go looking for lots of social interaction, unless it's in my own house.
I think Stef is onto something -- you add the natural fatigue of middle age to the stress of conversation in a culture where fewer and fewer conversational topics *aren't* political minefields, and there's your reason to stay home and not talk to anybody.
And Anne, I have *so* often thought lately that I was really cut out to be a contemplative . . .
Sally
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Erin
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Well I'm an extrovert but I've also noticed a difference, I don't have the same need for friendship, and I'm less tolerant. In the past I've had some difficult personalities in my life, I'm now staking far healthier boundaries and consequently seeing less of the difficult personalities  I stand up for myself more which is healthy, still politely but firmly.
and yes, like Sally I lately think about being a contemplative.
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Erin
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stacykay
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| Posted: Aug 11 2012 at 12:37pm | IP Logged
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Going out on a limb here, but I was thinking about all this, this morning, and the thought came to me that, maybe this is a nesting time of sorts, for this age.
Spending less time with outside influences, maybe God is calling us to not just prepare our homes, like the nesting before babies, but to prepare our hearts and minds for the "later" years? To contemplate what we learned, thus far, in our lives, to spend more time in prayer, Scripture, and conversation with God. To, hopefully, emerge from this "time of our lives" with that wisdom associated with those older than us?
Just thinking out loud. Thought I would throw it out to you all and see what you think. 
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Aug 11 2012 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
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stacykay wrote:
Going out on a limb here, but I was thinking about all this, this morning, and the thought came to me that, maybe this is a nesting time of sorts, for this age.
Spending less time with outside influences, maybe God is calling us to not just prepare our homes, like the nesting before babies, but to prepare our hearts and minds for the "later" years? To contemplate what we learned, thus far, in our lives, to spend more time in prayer, Scripture, and conversation with God. To, hopefully, emerge from this "time of our lives" with that wisdom associated with those older than us?
Just thinking out loud. Thought I would throw it out to you all and see what you think.
In Christ,
Stacy in MI |
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That is a beautiful thought, Stacy, and much better than what I have been thinking: I'm just getting older and grumpier
I enjoy small groups and one on one, like Jenn mentioned. But sometimes I wonder where I fit in. I don't like the gym/babysitters/ American Idol/can't wait til the kids are back in school talk of the neighborhood moms, and yet.... some of the Catholic HS moms I know like to talk about how the priests we have aren't holy enough/they could never go to this or that church/etc.. Also not my bag.
I guess I need to find some local ladies who want to sit around and talk about booklists and decluttering Or better yet- talk about these things while walking so we can all lose five pounds
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Aug 16 2012 at 11:27am | IP Logged
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Sorry, I haven't had computer time to follow up on my post. I see I'm not alone in my need for privacy and quiet. I agree with you all! I just don't have time (nor inclination) to chit-chat about fluff i.e. media fodder, gossip about other people, etc.
stacykay wrote:
Spending less time with outside influences, maybe God is calling us to not just prepare our homes, like the nesting before babies, but to prepare our hearts and minds for the "later" years? To contemplate what we learned, thus far, in our lives, to spend more time in prayer, Scripture, and conversation with God. To, hopefully, emerge from this "time of our lives" with that wisdom associated with those older than us?
Just thinking out loud. Thought I would throw it out to you all and see what you think.
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I like this thought, Stacey! Yes, this is a nesting stage for our birth (by means of physical death) into God's love! Now that's something to contemplate!
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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mamaslearning
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SeaStar wrote:
I guess I need to find some local ladies who want to sit around and talk about booklists and decluttering Or better yet- talk about these things while walking so we can all lose five pounds |
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When you find this group, let me know! I'm willing to move!
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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Shari in NY
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So, are we anti-social because we homeschool or do we homeschool because we are anti-social??  Seriously, when I hit my 40's my older kids were in their teens and I found it much more interesting to talk with them than any small talk at the soccer picnic!! That said, I did (and do) endure the picnincs because my kids like to talk with people beside me!
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Aagot
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I don't think of it as anti-social. We have just lived long enough to realize that all of "that" (chit-chat superficial interaction etc.) really doesn't matter, make us happier,or better people. In sum, it ranks much lower than more important interactions.
As my friends overseas use to say, "It is not a matter of salvation"
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SeaStar
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Hmm... just think of it as decluttering your conversations
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Angie Mc
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Just a few years ago I would have agreed wholeheartedly!
But then something changed for me and for some time now I've been enjoying mingling, small talk, and simple encounters with others. Sometimes it takes energy but the rewards are great. I enjoy throwing parties and attending all sorts of places and events. I can small talk about so many things at this point of my life - chatting about baseball, dogs, beer, food, Olympics, endless really:)
It's pretty easy to isolate to the point of sadness, loneliness - not that its inevitable but there is a risk there. In my darkest times, often it was a simple smile or joke that lifted my spirits. I want to give some of that back!
A perfect example of how much I've come to value small courtesies is the time I spend on twitter. It's light, fun, easy and SURPRISE - full of neighbors to love! And I can do this type of loving at my own pace and time .
At this time, I belong to **NOOOO*** formal groups - HOORAY!!!! The days of moving and needing to make friends and needing to connect with other homeschoolers and...are done  . It is wonderful to be able to sit back and reap the rewards of years of hard relationship building work!
Tonight my kids are throwing an anniversary party for me and my handsome husband . Lots of people, food, drink, and 80s/90s music! Wooooohoooooooooooo!!!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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mamaslearning
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Angie, I think some of my lack of energy is mainly the ages of my children. They require so much of my energy daily (my youngest is almost weaned  ) that the thought of spending my precious free time in meaningless banter (not family or good friends, just the other stuff that goes with scouting and piano and other outside activities). The only time I can fully relax is when they are all asleep!
I hope to one day have the energy to expand my universe a bit more. Plus, I am planting seeds that will hopefully mature into those days of solid relationships. We have a move coming up soon, so hopefully I can then settle into a new life trajectory.
Happy Anniversary!
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
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margarita
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I'm just 39, but I've felt this way more and more the last few years. I have so many people in my family now, I don't have the time or energy that outside relationships require. And I'm finding I just don't need the interaction, most of the time. I've always been introverted and not great at small-talk, but now I simply avoid it altogether; I have realized that over the years these interactions have rarely benefitted me.
I feel mostly just like talking to God now, taking my problems, concerns, joys and needs to him. Not that I'm good at prayer, not at all! But I feel a drawing closer to him, rather than spreading my energy all around willy-nilly.
I'm not house bound or depressed or anything, but I'm choosing our social engagements verrrrry carefully these days, weighing the benefits vs. the costs.
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drmommy
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Wow, this is such an interesting thread. I do not go on the boards that much because of time constraints, but I went on today to maybe post a prayer concern. The prayer concern has very much to do with this subject. I feel like I just want to be with FAMILY lately. I really enjoy my children (20, 15, 2, 10) and my husband. I work outside the home, and I do not wish to socialize outside of work. The free time I have, I want to pray or go to Adoration. I do not like small talk either, and crave deep conversations. A few friends are pretty angry at me for not "going out to have fun" or to hang out with them. I have no need to, nor do I want to. It is so hard to maintain these friendships!
I can relate to the original post. I just want to get closer to our Lord, and crave more quiet time. Bridget
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: Lack of Social Tendencies
