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DianaC
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I feel a little like Rip Van Winkle when it comes to food these days, or at the very least I must have missed a memo. When did bringing food to a gathering become so difficult?
At one gathering we were told "not to bring anything with artificial ingredients, no nuts, and one person is a vegan, so plan accordingly". None of our traditional recipes would fit all of those restrictions, so we just brought fruit. We were new to this group and enjoy preparing food for gatherings, so we scrutinized many recipes before deciding that fruit would be best. We were quite dismayed that many, many people decided to bring Lay's potato chips - as this met all of the requirements. Where is the fun in that? Whatever happened to bringing a dish and displaying a label that listed the ingredients? Then each person/family can decide which dishes would suit them. My family has issues with starches and nightshade vegetables, so we usually bring a meat/veggie dish. We try to bring dishes that will fit the season and have wide appeal.
This weekend, at a swim competition, there was a snow cone stand and my daughter asked to get a snow cone and I let her. One of her teammates lectured her that that is "very unhealthy and her mother would never let her have one". My daughter came and told me and seemed embarrassed. We chatted about the quality of her overall diet and she was fine. The teammate and several others on the team tend to bring whole foods type brands of snacks and drinks and make comments to those who don't. Interestingly, though, they are also all overweight. What is going on here? It feels like some sort of food elitism.
I just feel like one more fun, traditional aspect of gathering and socializing is becoming a source of division.
Are you experiencing this sort of thing? Or, might it be a regional thing?
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SeaStar
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Oh, goodness- that does sound terrible. Funny, too in a way... as in, what is happening to our world?
How about- thanks for bringing whatever you can to our gathering; your generosity is so appreciated?
Sheesh!
All I can say is that I feel your pain. I went to a baby shower recently, and the only food there was fruit and vegetables. No cake, cookies.... not even a pretzel. I don't know about you, but raw broccoli and carrot sticks alone don't seem to say "fun and festive" to me.
In addition, for this shower the guests were asked to bring several items besides a baby gift. We were given a list!  It seemed surreal...
when did parties get like this?
I say bring back the cake, and if you have special dietary needs (which I had with my dd for three years) cheerfully bring what works for you.
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SallyT
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I think you're right that it is a kind of food elitism. And it is antithetical to the nature of social gatherings around food that the food itself should become so burdened.
I tend to think that this is a kind of substitute morality -- as a culture, we've relativized all the big right/wrong issues and made it a transgression to comment on others' larger moral decisions, so now we're reduced to a morality of things like food, which is an absolute (even though there are a million different versions of that absoluteness, depending on what diet you espouse, so no matter what you do, you're bound to be wrong).
On a related note, I've had eco-minded relatives staying at my house watch me like a hawk to see what I put into the garbage and whether I was recycling the wine bottles (I was, actually). What they really don't like is our Catholicism, but the garbage they can comment on. I could spend hours thinking about the psychology of that, but as my confessor points out, it's really not good for my soul to spend its time that way.
It's also a little ironic that parents who would be horrified to think that their children, like themselves, were anything but compassionate, inclusive, tolerant souls have no problem talking openly and disparagingly about other people as "carnivores," for example.
Anyway, this whole "non-transcendant/materialist morality" thing is a pet peeve of mine, as you may have figured out by now, but it also fascinates me and is something I want to write about at some point. It becomes a standard of judgment for otherwise committedly "non-judgmental" people. Somehow it's a lot more warped and convoluted than the good old-fashioned mutually understood kinds of morality which many of the same people would reflexively resist as "repressive" or "narrow-minded" or whatever.
Anyway . . . no, I think it's a universal phenomenon in our culture, on every level. There's just less and less about our lives that's free of moral/political baggage, and I do think that these things are both divisive and a curtailment of human freedom and flourishing.
End of rant. 
Sally
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JodieLyn
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If I'm hosting I appreciate knowing dietary restrictions.. and I will usually try and have something that person can eat. AND it let's me tell them what they'll be able to have and they can plan what they want to bring around that. But I don't cater the whole gathering to a single guest or even whomever the party is for.
There is a big push in sports for healthy eating. But often that doesn't translate well. You get people that seem to think if it's good for you then you can eat it as much or whenever you want. And you'll see kids eating too much of good for you snacks or drinking tons of gatorade (keeps you hydrated right? not exactly) We push the good for you during sports stuff with our kids(especially drinking water).. and I hope they don't say things to other kids when off on their own.. but we also let them have treats at the end of the day or during a longer break or such.. so it's more about the food you use while doing the sport rather than a "you can't ever have..."
I guess "planning accordingly" shouldn't be planning to display a sign that says.. this has nuts and animal products and is generally bad for you but tastes great!" 
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JennGM
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It's not regional. It's rampant.
What Sally said. Amen.
And I'm like Jodie. I make sure a person's needs is taken care of, but I do not cater the whole menu to that person.
There is a difference between personal choices (like the food coloring, fried foods etc) and true personal allergies and health restrictions. There are true allergies that can't handle shellfish or peanuts or tree nuts even in the same room, so that is a legitimate concern to keep from the menu.
But personal choices like artificial colors, etc. Well, that's becoming preachy. To have mothers go into sermons about that...it's a little like telling another mother's child there is no Santa Claus. That's crossing the line majorly!
I have food restrictions and allergies in our family. I hate pot-luck because it means I need to bring something that I know he CAN eat. So usually it means bring a whole meal for him, and then something to share. I've been burned when I brought something safe for him and it was all eaten before he had a chance. I learned my lesson.
I do serve all allergy friendly food when it's HIS birthday, and he's hosting. I always bring food for him, and call ahead to see if there will be anything on the menu, and I'll reassure the hostess that I will bring something. When I was pregnant and on insulin, my baby shower had high protein food and things I could eat, but there were other foods served. I remember a baby shower I attended while I was pregnant that had nothing but starches and I ended up with very high sugar numbers and feeling quite sick. I tend to want to always serve a balance of fruit/veggie, protein, carbs, and sweets when I host.
I remember going to a picnic and we had no bowl to put the salsa, so my mother formed a little makeshift container out of aluminum foil. Someone was correcting her that cooking and using aluminum for food was harmful. My mother was sweet, but I was miffed. This person didn't offer any other substitute -- just preached!
One other personal note I have to share. I gave my talk at the Denver homeschool conference, and one of my points is that if you are doing cooking for the liturgical year, make it work for your family. We can't do all the fancy recipes because of allergies, but make it work for us.
BUT, we also have to make "bad" choices so that my son can have sweets or SOMETHING when he is out. We do some soy, and (don't choke) ARTIFICIAL coloring. Italian Ice and Skittles and other such stuff which are all chemicals, but won't make him have a anaphylactic reaction. He can't do chocolate unless it's a very special one. So someone might look askance on our food coloring. A mom in Denver totally identified with this -- yes, we have to weigh the bad and make choices that work for us.
So, lesson is keep your mouth shut. You don't know all the circumstances.
There is something so wrong that food and social gatherings has become isolating and restrictive and disunifying.
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JennGM
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BTW, go to Sally's blog for her cute post on Why She's not Mealblogging.
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DianaC
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I very much appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. I was hesitant to post this, because I thought perhaps I was missing some bigger point, but it appears that many are experiencing this same problem.
even though there are a million different versions of that absoluteness, depending on what diet you espouse, so no matter what you do, you're bound to be wrong
I really feel that this statement sums up my feelings on this! Well, my daughter and I really enjoy cooking and baking and serving. Let's hope we can get over hurt feelings (and not cause any!) and continue to enjoy planning and sharing special dishes at special gatherings.
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JennGM
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Great point, Diana! This is so different than teachings of the Faith. Food choices can't be absolute!
This is another example of relativism.
And a few things brought up at Sally's -- is this becoming a form of gluttony, thinking too much about what we eat?
And have you heard of the new eating disorder, orthorexia nervosa?
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DianaC
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I looked at the post from Sally's blog and read the essay that was linked - how funny!! 
I've never heard of orthorexia nervosa, but I just looked it up and it does seem like many of the people we've encountered recently could be candidates for this diagnosis. It's a bit sad, really.
Another aspect of these food issues is bringing a meal to a family going through an illness or enjoying the birth of a new baby. Increasingly, the restrictions are also becoming somewhat prohibitive.
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stacykay
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JennGM wrote:
| BTW, go to Sally's blog for her cute post on Why She's not Mealblogging. |
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Hahahaha! That link sure hit the nail on the head!
My 21yods has played sports, with incredible intensity, since he was "knee-high to a grasshopper." When he was in high school, I was reprimanded for sending cases of gatorade along with water to his lax game. Now, we had already had him in to the doc and met with a dietician, because he would become so tired and shaky during and after playing. They both told us he needed the electrolytes and that we should always make sure he has gatorade (or something similar) to drink. This ds is the healthiest young man! His diet is stellar, compared to everyone else in our family. He munches on broccoli, eats tons of vegs/fruits, healthy proteins, etc.  (Yay, I have at least one healthy eater, and #6 is also leaning toward healthy foods, just naturally.) (And yet, these two dss are also responsible for eating most of the fudge #4 ds brought home from Mackinac Island!  )
But I was still lectured about sending such an awful sugar-filled beverage. After that game, a blanket email was sent to all the parents, reminding them about "healthy choices" we needed to make in our future drink/snack offerings to the team.  From that point on, I just sent ds with his own private supply of gatorade.
Well, I hope your dd enjoyed that sno-cone! I am always amazed at what an interest people have in the lives of others!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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JodieLyn
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Oh gatorade isn't all bad.. it's good to use.. BUT only gatorade can be as bad as none.. my dh is a firefighter and they work very hard in very hot conditions.. 2 water to 1 gatorade (same measures) is what they use.
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JodieLyn
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My point wasn't to not use things that are good for you.. but rather that you can have too much of even good things.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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SallyT
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Well, I really don't mean to be preachy here! And my kids would be rolling their eyes at my contribution to this conversation, because at least in intense phases, I'm Total Health Food Mom, although part of the difficulty any more is that one person's health food is another person's poison. Read too many different healthy-food blogs, and pretty soon you really are convinced that you can't eat anything, and the kids are staring into the empty refrigerator and wailing because there aren't any snacks other than ice.
But the real problem is that things which don't, and shouldn't, have the same level of significance as religious principles *assume* the same level of significance as religious principles, often in the absence of real religious principles. It's like a vacuum in the soul that's going to get filled one way or another, and if you don't fill it with God, then you'll fill it with kale, apparently.
And again, it's not just food. It's being green. It's attachment parenting. It's . . . homeschooling, sometimes. It's any number of things (and these are ones I've actually seen assume this level of significance) which are **good on their own terms,** but were never meant to be systems of belief on which people base their identities. Yet somehow they do become something like belief systems, and you're either in or you're out, us or them. Add this to the grievance energy which animates our culture ("As a survivor of X/member of Y identity group, I have the right to be offended by the way you just drew breath . . . "), and what you have is not very heartening.
And the only antidote is our faith and the pursuit of holiness, particularly charity and humility.
Sally
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mom2mpr
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[QUOTE=JennGM]
I have food restrictions and allergies in our family. I hate pot-luck because it means I need to bring something that I know he CAN eat. So usually it means bring a whole meal for him, and then something to share. I've been burned when I brought something safe for him and it was all eaten before he had a chance. I learned my lesson.
My dd has many allergies, too. And this same thing happened to us. On one hand it was nice to know her food(dairy, egg, milk, shellfish, nut-free dish ) was so attractive and yummy people wanted it, but on the other I had a hungry child 
Now I have to make sure, in addition to making a meal for her to share and a regular dish to share, I need to remember to pull some out for her and pack IT so she will have something to eat.
It is exhausting trying to deal with that and other food preferences of people.
But I keep trying
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jawgee
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SallyT wrote:
But the real problem is that things which don't, and shouldn't, have the same level of significance as religious principles *assume* the same level of significance as religious principles, often in the absence of real religious principles. It's like a vacuum in the soul that's going to get filled one way or another, and if you don't fill it with God, then you'll fill it with kale, apparently.
And again, it's not just food. It's being green. It's attachment parenting. It's . . . homeschooling, sometimes. It's any number of things (and these are ones I've actually seen assume this level of significance) which are **good on their own terms,** but were never meant to be systems of belief on which people base their identities. Yet somehow they do become something like belief systems, and you're either in or you're out, us or them. Add this to the grievance energy which animates our culture ("As a survivor of X/member of Y identity group, I have the right to be offended by the way you just drew breath . . . "), and what you have is not very heartening.
And the only antidote is our faith and the pursuit of holiness, particularly charity and humility. |
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Beautiful. Very well put.
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stacykay
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JodieLyn wrote:
| Oh gatorade isn't all bad.. it's good to use.. BUT only gatorade can be as bad as none.. my dh is a firefighter and they work very hard in very hot conditions.. 2 water to 1 gatorade (same measures) is what they use. |
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I made sure to send water along with the gatorade, but I also wanted to make sure that ds would have some without preventing others from having some, if they wanted it, too. Because ds's electrolytes do get so out of whack, only water is not the answer. Even though I don't "work" anymore, I think my nursing degree and experience have been one of the biggest helps in being a mom!
I do know the Tigers cut their gatorades, 1/2 and 1/2. When ds started in high school, their basketball coach provided powdered gatorade that they were able to add water to their desired concentration. But they completely eliminated it, due to a couple of parents' complaints.
Ds is just very intense, plays super hard, and sweats a load. His current workouts are 4 hours a day plus 2 hours of running (fall ball (lax) starts soon!,) and this works for him.
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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stacykay
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SallyT wrote:
....
And again, it's not just food. It's being green. It's attachment parenting. It's . . . homeschooling, sometimes. It's any number of things (and these are ones I've actually seen assume this level of significance) which are **good on their own terms,** but were never meant to be systems of belief on which people base their identities. Yet somehow they do become something like belief systems, and you're either in or you're out, us or them. Add this to the grievance energy which animates our culture ("As a survivor of X/member of Y identity group, I have the right to be offended by the way you just drew breath . . . "), and what you have is not very heartening.
And the only antidote is our faith and the pursuit of holiness, particularly charity and humility.
Sally |
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Yes! That is it!!!
Ooohhh, the humility....one of the moms from my local hs group linked this litany this morning.
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Betsy
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SallyT wrote:
there aren't any snacks other than ice.
Sally |
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You know that kids can choke on ice? I would NEVER give my kids ice after I saw that Oprah episode!
Just Kidding, I couldn't resist! 
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kristinannie
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I had to laugh when I saw this post because apparently we are the only area in the country that goes in completely the opposite direction! After every t-ball and basketball game my kids were given complete junk to eat by the other parents. One time I added up the calories and there were more than 2000 calories in this goody bag. It truly was appalling. Around here (Southern WV), you show love by giving children terrible food to eat. I won't even go into the things that my MIL consistently feeds my children. I don't mind junk food, but I do mind mountains of it.
I really think that what you all are describing goes way too far in the other direction. I think, in general (myself included  ), Americans have a disordered sense of eating and food. People tend to either go really far one way or the other. I believe that balance is needed in this (as in everything). This is something that I struggle with myself (especially after having my last baby).
I just purchased Food and Faith, but I haven't had a chance to read much of it yet. It seems like just the book that I need to help myself tackle this disordered opinion about food.
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CrunchyMom
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kristinannie wrote:
| I think, in general (myself included ), Americans have a disordered sense of eating and food. People tend to either go really far one way or the other. |
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I thought this recent article Porky Populism by Rod Dreher was fascinating. I'm certainly not meaning to make this discussion political by posting an article from American Conservative, but what he describes has certainly been my experience just as often as the obsession with what food is healthy. I think this quote is particularly pertinent to this discussion:
Quote:
Since I began writing about food some years back, I have had countless conversations with conservative friends, fellow food geeks who have had serious disputes within their families about food. These arguments aren’t really about food itself, but food serves as a proxy for the politics of class and culture.
By opening up a culture-war front on the kitchen counter, we invest discussions about what, how, and why we eat with a degree of emotion that renders rational deliberation all but impossible. |
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4Real Forums : Our Lady's Loom, Larder, and Laundry
Topic: Gatherings with food
