4Real Forums: Fun vs Working Hard

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Topic: Fun vs Working Hard

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Aagot
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Joined: Aug 06 2010
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Posted: July 14 2012 at 8:34am \| IP Logged

Okay, this maybe too complicated to even communicate well but I'll give it a shot. Maybe you will have advice

Sorry it is so long.

DS(12) came back from a practice with DH. Both were discouraged/angry. Ds has a big competition this weekend and didn't do well with the practice.

Ds tells dad: I don't care about X anymore. I don't care if I win. It isn't fun anymore.

Dh: You have to score at least 180 or I won't take you hunting this fall. (this is not a new threat, he has also said he won't buy him a canoe etc)

Ds: I don't care about hunting. (or whatever event/object is in peril)

What dh hears is "I don't care" and gets angry that he has spent the time and money on this "ungrateful, selfish kid". He fears that ds won't stick with anything, will quit everything that even smatters of difficult etc.

What I hear is "I am afraid I won't win or live up to my own or dad's expectations, so I need to protect my heart.Don't get my hopes up and I won't be disappointed." (dh thinks this is really twisted pyschology). I have talked with ds about this and he agrees that this is what he is doing. He does care about this event, and the other things Dh has promised to do with him but he won't let those things be held hostage. He is very offended by being "threatened" and fears embarassment more than anything.

My take is, let him explore many different things and see what he is willing to devote time and energy to. Don't pressure him to succeed. I think he puts enough pressure on himself without us adding more (dh strongly disagrees with this as he doesn't see it. I think ds is hiding most of it).

Ds is the oldest and most critized. He is an adventurous romantic at heart and very competent/helpful. He cried,at 10, when he realized, after reading historical fiction, that people don't dress or live like that anymore. DH is very stretched for time, highly motivated to succeed and is a city boy with no interest in hunting and outdoor adventure (so he is really stretching himself to relate to this son).
Their relationship is hanging by a thread (if that) at this point.

Aside from praying (which I seem to be doing non-stop)what am I to do?

Bridget
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Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
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Posted: July 14 2012 at 9:07am \| IP Logged

First of all, I am on my 3rd 12 year old son and they have all been like that at 12. Very tenuous self confidence. We call the shoulder drop and following groan "going wookie". It gets them to crack a smile.

My DH is the way yours is; competitive and pushes the boys a little. I think a certain level of that is the natural order of things.

The compromise we reached that we think will best serve our boys is this: your [the son's] part is to do your best cheerfully and the level of success is God's part. But God and Dad want to see you sweat while you try!

Then we praise him for the level of effort and God for any success.

It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job at helping him build his confidence and perseverance through these years. Mom and dad just come at it from very different angels.

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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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