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margarita
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| Posted: July 07 2012 at 12:35pm | IP Logged
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My two oldest got along so well, 2 peas in a pod, and when their little sister was born many years later, they included her in everything they did.
Then we had a baby 2 years ago, and then they went to school.
So now my most social child - 6.5 - has lost her 2 favorite people in the world, and got a brother, now 2.5, who does not get along with her at all. They just fight so much, there is no harmony. I keep trying - I am a peace-maker and believe there is always a solution, but I would have thought to see some progress by now.
Anyway, this is just a pipe dream and of course it's already part of my regular prayer requests: Would it be so wrong to add in a foster child or two? Foster-to-adopt, ideally.
My husband isn't interested. I felt called to adopt (a sibling group) back when we had only the two children, and that feeling has never left me, but we are now expecting our 5th child and my husband still has no interest in taking in someone else's kid.
Plus I know that foster children aren't allowed to be homeschooled.
I'm just putting it out there. Our culture normally would say, send that lonely child to school! Put her in more classes! (She already does more than my older two did but I believe very strongly in limited activities for young - and older! - people.) Get her a puppy! Buy her more toys!
But my heart says to get her an age-mate sibling. That is what she wants too. I thought maybe some of you Catholic homeschool moms would understand.
I have considered letting her know that she, too, could pray for this regularly, and to have her dad's heart softened toward fostering, but that seems maybe inappropriate for her age, and would just get her hopes up. I know God does great things but that's a lot to handle for a little kid.
My heart breaks a bit when I think back to the conversations my non-Catholic husband and I had when we had just the three - "I might consider taking in a foster child, if I were assured of having no more biological children." But I know God is the author of life and gave us our 4th baby for a very special reason; this 5th is His idea too.
Like I said, just thought maybe some of you would understand. It's lonely out here sometimes in the non-Catholic, not-open-to-life world!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 07 2012 at 12:52pm | IP Logged
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I would think that there's no guarantee of getting a compatible personality so that you might find that the plan backfires completely.
And is it really having the close in age sibling? or is it not being the adored youngest child any more? Maybe you should spend more time with her yourself, talk to her about being a big siser like her big siblings were for her. Give her things in particular to do for her younger sibling. Remind her that she's the older sibling now and she needs to act like her older siblings did for her. Things like that.
It's really ok to be without that close in age sibling. And it's also ok to be sad with the changes like school taking the older siblings away. And just because she doesn't get along with the 2.5 yr old like a playmate would get along doesn't mean that she can't be part of the caretaking of that 2.5 yr old which will help build a relationship between them even if they have differences (or too many similiarities).
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Martha
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| Posted: July 07 2012 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
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One, you should never foster or adopt to give one of your kids a friend. It is just as possible, likely even, that a foster/adoptive child would not get along with her or whatever too. Very likely if you adopt a sibling group that are already deeply bonded.
And I would never encourage or suggest that dad is wrong for not sharing your pov.
And many foster children can be home schooled. It completely depends on their situation and the caseworker.
Dh and I are hoping to adopt a sibling group of 3 and homeschooling is viewed as preferred for them. (tho the oldest is 7, all 3 have been kicked out of every daycare and school setting. School is brutal for these kids and they react to that in a brutal way. :'( )
Adopting an older child is not fun. It isn't a happy occassion like when you are pregnant or adopting an infant. These children have been hurt for most of their lives and they are slow to trust, much less love, yet another new authority. They remember loving their bio parents. And love them still despite everything.
Adopting an older child is to lovingly open your home to pain never knowing, but always praying, if that love will be returned. Most of the time it is. But it can take years.
We might not be blessed with adoption approval.
But it's important to know facts and have everyone 100% committed.
If your dh isn't interested, then that's where the discussion should end.
If any of your other dc might not be okay with it, then that's where the discussion should end.
Forcing love and sacrifice only breeds resentment and anger.
And God knows, no foster kid needs more of that.
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: July 10 2012 at 9:31pm | IP Logged
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Seconding everything Martha said.
Adopting a child should be about THAT child and his/her needs. And adopting an older child isn't something to get into without all members (esp dh) being 100% committed, and without being well informed of the very real risks to your other children.
I do not want to sound like I am anti-adoption--far from it. But I have been there and done that--twice. Once had excellent results, once had horrific results. Either way I can tell you it is the hardest thing you will ever do.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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DominaCaeli
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| Posted: July 10 2012 at 9:58pm | IP Logged
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I do understand your wanting another sibling for your daughter--it is hard not to be able to satisfy this sweet desire of hers. But speaking from my personal experience, I have to echo the others here: if your husband is not for it, and if your reason for adopting is to provide a sibling for her, it isn't a good idea to move forward. I will pray for you! 
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Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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Aagot
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 12:00am | IP Logged
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Have you ever considered hosting a child? I know there are Russian and Filipino adoption programs that let you host an orphan without promising to adopt. This gives the kids the chance to get out of the orphange, travel etc. The child would also participate in community activities that would give other families a chance to interact with the child in the hopes that some family would be interested in adopting.
It also gives your family a chance to see if this child is a good fit. Maybe everybody would be on board after a trial run.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Lonely middle kid - adopt?
