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dinasiano
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| Posted: June 26 2012 at 5:29am | IP Logged
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I know that Mary loves us and is our Mother. I know we can and should go to her and I often pray to her through the Rosary and other prayers and conversation. But I just don't feel connected to her. I mentioned this to a friend and she said she used to feel that way as well and attributes it to "mommy issues" she had with her own mother. That got me thinking: I have some issues with my mom too. So I was wondering what you ladies think about that. Does the relationship with our own mothers affect our relationship with Mary and if so, how can I change a negative to a positive?
Thanks!
Dina
mom to 7 blessings
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 26 2012 at 8:19am | IP Logged
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I think that the most straightforward perspective is simply to let Mary be the mother you never had.
I did not have mother issues in the same way others I know did, but I did not appreciate and love my mother as I ought to have, and then I lost her suddenly when I was 26 and she was 48. I was pregnant with my second, and I was knee deep in the challenges of being a new mom and was not nurturing the relationship as I should have. She lived far away, and I never quite made it to that place where I could come back and be "friends" with my mother that seems to naturally happen more as one matures. Anytime we lose someone unexpectedly there is guilt, of course, since we all fail in our attempts to love properly. But I'm able to appreciate my mother so much more, in spite of any faults, now that my children are getting older and realize how difficult it would have been for her when I moved away and the ways I must have hurt her mother's heart.
And, frankly, I often feel cheated. I appreciate how blessed I was to have my mother as long as I did. Some people (like my Dad) lose their mothers even younger or never even know them! But I miss having someone there who would have reveled in every little story I wanted to share about my children or listened to all my frustrations in keeping house or would have always been elated to receive a call from me.
Oddly, I was always closer to my dad growing up. I'm more like him. But it is a very different relationship, yk? And while he remarried a perfectly lovely lady, I'm still getting to know her. By nature, that relationship is not as comfortable or easy.
All that about ME to say, while I'm often unfaithful to my blessed mother Mary just as I was in my relationship with my own earthly mother, I do find a great deal of comfort in knowing that, just like my earthly mother, she will ALWAYS be thrilled when I finally "call." And she loves my children EVEN MORE than I do!
Now, my mom did have problems and struggled with depression and mental illness periodically my entire life. I do find it a comfort to have a PERFECT mother in her, one who is a mother in some ways my mother was simply incapable (due to her own relationship issues with her unstable parents).
I also like that I can fully humble myself before her in a raw way. If I feel and want to act like a petulant 8 year old inside, I can come to her that way and find a gentle mother who will let me seek childish comforts, like resting my head on her knee. I have also, at times, prayed to her when I get distracted in prayers or mass and imagine her gently turning my head to focus my attention as I do with my own children. This image also helps me when I don't feel that my relationship with Mary is a "mature" one, perhaps due to my own neglect and failure to nurture it as I ought. Approaching her as a child, though, I don't have to find words always or feel the lacking because the interaction between a baby or child and mother can be a very simple one. It is not the "chatty" closeness I feel with my husband or friends, it can be one where she spiritually takes care of my most basic needs: a hug, a bandaid, a straightened collar, a squeezed hand, a smudge wiped away. Perhaps this makes sense to me because I am a convert, and my relationship with Mary is a relatively young one and naturally immature, but when I came to view Mary this way, I began to feel less awkward in my attempts at Marian spirituality because I knew she did not necessarily "expect" more from the relationship, at least not in the beginning.
Getting back to your original question, I do think that this might be harder if you didn't have a healthy relationship with your mother. BUT I think for me, I look to Mary to find a mother I didn't have who makes up for the human shortcomings of my earthly mother.
I also look at literary archetypes as helping me understand Mary. All that we know a mother *should* be, she is. So, when I'm inspired by Carolyn Ingalls, Marmee or Jo, Emma Moody, or Mother Carey, I can safely add those positive images to my image of Mary. There isn't a lot in scripture to tell us about her, but there is a great deal in the world that tells us about "mothers." There might be a temptation to romanticize these mothers (at least a few of which are based on real women) in earthly terms, but when it comes to the Blessed Mother, I can safely apply their virtues to her in spiritual ones. I often feel connected to these women when I read these works, so transferring that feeling of connectedness by using it as an opportunity to reflect on Our Lady helps me. So, while there might have been deficiency in one's relationship with their mother, I think that studying these healthy ones portrayed in literature can help A)create a longing for such a relationship, and B)help one to understand what it looks like.
I hope that helps. It was perhaps too much about me and not enough about Her, but I hope it is encouraging. I do think that everyone CAN have a closeness with Mary, though it must look a bit different for different people (we won't all be St. Louis de Montford!). I do believe that when we have mother issues or even lose our mothers, Mary wants EVEN MORE to be there for us and fill that very real need we all have.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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kristinannie
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| Posted: June 26 2012 at 9:33am | IP Logged
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I also had a very bad relationship with my mother. She had a lot of problems. The older I get, the more I realize that she truly was trying to do the best she could. She just didn't know how to love.
As I have been spending more time in prayer over the past couple of years, I have come to the strong realization that Mary was ALWAYS there for me. She was the strong mother I needed throughout my life. She never let me stray too far from the path I was supposed to be on. I came to realize that without Mary, I would have gone far away from the will of God.
Honestly, the closer I get to Mary, the more healing my relationship with my mom has seen.
Have you tried praying to Mary and asking her for her help in this matter? The rosary has really helped me to meditate on her life and example. So many of the mysteries concern Mary. Also, I highly recommend Louis DeMontfort's book about consecration to Mary. If you want an easier read that is also amazing, try 33 Days to Morning Glory.
I often turn to Mary for advice and consolation. She truly is the best advocate we have and the best example for total surrender to God's will. I hope that you can find your way into Mary's loving arms. I will pray for you!
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dinasiano
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| Posted: June 27 2012 at 7:00am | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies for your replies. You both have given me some things to ponder. This is my second attempt to write a post including the quotes I found most helpful but I can't seem to figure it out- maybe I need to post here more ;)
I have a feeling I will be getting to know our Beloved Mother more as we have been having some serious difficulties with our oldest son who is 19. I really like the image of Mary comforting me as a child- it brings me peace, thank you, Lindsey. And Kristinannie thanks for the prayers and suggestions. I will be taking all of this to Jesus and Mary in prayer.
Dina
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Helen
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| Posted: July 04 2012 at 12:15pm | IP Logged
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dinasiano wrote:
| So I was wondering what you ladies think about that. Does the relationship with our own mothers affect our relationship with Mary and if so, how can I change a negative to a positive? |
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Hello Dina
I hope you don't mind if I come in late and revive your question. I have been reflecting on your question since you first posted. My mother died suddenly in March. It was a traumatic, unexpected, horrific event. There were many difficult questions to answer, medical issues to deal with, funeral arrangements, and moving my father to assisted living.
My grief and pain were (are) intense. Dina, your post helped me tower that I had not been able to call my children to the family rosary since my mother's death because it triggered a strong pain reaction in me. I continued to say the rosary during this time. I told my children to pray the rosary every day because Our Lady of Fatima requested this.
Since last week we have been saying a truncated family rosary. One our father and five hail Mary's per decade. I feel much more energized.
A Catholic axiom states,
Grace Builds Upon Nature
If our emotional nature is struggling, it is not surprising that our spiritual side is struggling as well. St Francis de Sales would tell us to take ourselves easy. Allow for healing. The emotional healing will build a strong base for a deep Marian devotion.
I can't get back to one of the other posts right now, but I believe it was written that Mary is and has always been our Mother through these struggles. This is so very true. We can go to her with our broken hearts And lay them before her gentle maternal care. She can be with us in a real way as we recover from emotional pain and struggles. She doesn't remove these things. She bears them with us, lightening the load. She will go at our pace. She is the Mother who knows her child inside and out who can tolerate the temper tantrums her beloved daughters throw. We are healed in her presence but sometimes we are closed to her. she doesn't mind. She has patience for our pain.
Sometimes, when emotional issues are large enough, weekly support through therapy or a dedicated friend may work beautifully with a strong prayer life. Grace builds upon nature. If we need help with our physical nature, Our Lord and Lady encourage us to take care of our bodies so that the fullness of grace may reside within our hearts.
Thank you Dina for your beautiful and insightful question.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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4Real Forums : Hidden Treasure
Topic: Relationship with the Blessed Mother
