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JamieCarin
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 9:28am | IP Logged
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My 4yr old boy suffers from extreme shyness. To the point where he won't even do things he knows he wants to because he is afraid.
We tried signing him up for gymnastics because he LOVES bouncing and swinging and climbing and all that is involved with that and he was very excited, but when we got to the school and it was time for him to start he totally shut down and wouldn't even enter the classroom...or unattach himself from me.
He refused to take his vision/hearing test at the pediatrician office TWICE now. Again totally just shuts down, won't speak, wont make eye contact.
I am considering signing him up for VBS because I know it will be good for him, but at the same time I doubt he will let go of me and be left in a classroom for several hours.
I know he is still young, but I feel like this is becoming a big issue. He is very smart and sweet and I feel like he is holding himself back rom enjoying things....even playing with other kids after Mass and running around. I know he WANTS to, but he just won't let himself.
Thanks ladies.
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Wife to Claudio for 9yrs, Mom to Ben (4), and Annabella (almost 3), and Beatrice (born 1/17/12)
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MaryM
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 11:00am | IP Logged
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I had a very reserved oldest child as well. He is now 24 and on his own living in Seattle and thriving independently  - doesn't need me there  . It seems like so long ago (and yet like yesterday...) that he was that clingy 4 year old that didn't want to leave my side. Would not engage in new settings, but stuck close by. A big part of his personaily is as a reflective observer. He just wasn't ready to jump in without a long warm up time. We did a playgroup for years and he would spend the first hour sitting on my lap and slowly, eventually join in the group having a good time by time we had to leave. I wouldn't push it, but would provide opportunities where he could slowly warm up to group settings like that. He will outgrow it in time if gently allowed to retain that element that is truly part of his personailty. It just isn't easy for all kids to jump right in - and it isn't necessarily a good thing to do that anyway. The reflective, slow to warm up child has some great traits of self-assuredness and not being swayed by the crowds.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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Aagot
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 11:09am | IP Logged
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I just want to encourage you  My, now 9yr old, daughter was very much like this. We did parent/child classes (tumbling, music, art) so that I wouldn't have to leave her. That works until they age out.
My closest friends didn't even realize she could talk until she was 4! She just saved all her talking for when she was with our family.
She was like this probably until she was 6 and now she is a very confident child in public. she is still quiet with strangers but she does warm up to the kids in her activities and has a great time. She is also able to give demonstrations to her club etc.
If there are no parent/child classes in your area, I wouldn't panic. I think you can get the same results by just letting him be close to you at whatever activities you do together (homeschool get togethers, donuts after church etc).Not alot of different settings just a few consistent ones. He will come out of his shell on his own. I would not push much at all.
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Aagot
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 11:11am | IP Logged
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Yes, what Mary said! 
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JamieCarin
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 11:18am | IP Logged
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Thanks so much for the encouragement ladies! So good to know that your kids have thrived and grown out of the shyness...that there is light at the end of hte tunnel.
One area I struggle with is on one hand I want him to know I will always be here and he can take all the time he needs to warm up and that this is his personality etc etc, but on the other hand I also want him to learn that sometimes we have to do hard things and do things that we don't necessarily WANT to do. How do you balance those things?
Just like he can't dump all his toys on the floor and not have to pick them up he can't NOT take his vision and hearing test. These are the tough things in life that we need to learn to work through.
Am I nuts thinking a 4yr old is capable of this to some extent??
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Wife to Claudio for 9yrs, Mom to Ben (4), and Annabella (almost 3), and Beatrice (born 1/17/12)
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cvbmom
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 12:37pm | IP Logged
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My oldest boy was the same way. Around the age of 7 or so, he outgrew it. At the time, I was annoyed by his behavior, now I kind of miss it  I was worried at the time and had SO MANY people tell me that I had to send him to school to break him of this problem. Well, I think that certainly would have broken him alright, in a very bad way. He is now a very confident kid, and loves being with others.
Be patient and loving is my advice
God bless,
Christine
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JennGM
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 12:45pm | IP Logged
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MaryM wrote:
| I had a very reserved oldest child as well. He is now 24 and on his own living in Seattle and thriving independently - doesn't need me there . It seems like so long ago (and yet like yesterday...) that he was that clingy 4 year old that didn't want to leave my side. Would not engage in new settings, but stuck close by. A big part of his personality is as a reflective observer. He just wasn't ready to jump in without a long warm up time. We did a playgroup for years and he would spend the first hour sitting on my lap and slowly, eventually join in the group having a good time by time we had to leave. I wouldn't push it, but would provide opportunities where he could slowly warm up to group settings like that. He will outgrow it in time if gently allowed to retain that element that is truly part of his personailty. It just isn't easy for all kids to jump right in - and it isn't necessarily a good thing to do that anyway. The reflective, slow to warm up child has some great traits of self-assuredness and not being swayed by the crowds. |
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My son isn't grown up, but it's just like Mary describes. He's 4 1/2. I'm finding he's does get more comfortable if I just allow him the time and be patient with him to observe and be comfortable. Many relatives have told me that this is a better approach than what they personally experienced. They remember being forced into situations to "get over" their shyness and think it made it worse and last longer.
For the ear and eye tests, how does the technician introduce it? Are you present? Can he sit on your lap? Does he/she talk to your child and explain the instruments and what they are doing?
We had a recent dental appointment, and I found the staff did so well with his fears for the xray machine. It wasn't a put on, but just walking through respecting him, explaining the machine, you can feel this, etc.. Think Mr. Rogers or Montessori -- this made him more comfortable. Maybe before the test ask him what would help him to take the test? Have Mommy ask the questions? Sit there a little bit before having to talk to the stranger? Tell Mommy the answers?
Watching an older brother doing it before him also helps my son greatly.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 3:43pm | IP Logged
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Dittoing others. I think that four is still very young. It is natural for even an extroverted child to still be shy at that age, never mind someone who is shy by nature.
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Lindsay
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 5:07pm | IP Logged
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My kids were fairly quiet/reserved at 4. I think it is pretty normal. Naturally, ds has come out of his shell and is very confident at 14 and will talk to people without any reservations. DD, who is 9, is just starting to develop some conversational confidence and I really didn't do much to make it happen either time. I figured, for both, they'd come through in their own time.
It was embarrassing when they were little and people would talk to them and they would hide behind me or look at the floor. Dh did have some trouble with it and wasn't totally on board with homeschooling and thought that might have something to do with it. And he might have been right. We moved to somewhere where most kids were in daycare and they would talk to anyone. So my kids looked really bad :) People wondered what was wrong with them. But now, they are coming along.
I started them in an activity they enjoyed about 5 or 6 and didn't force but they enjoyed the activity so naturally would talk to instructors and then the kids and it gave them the opportunity to meet some success without much stress on their part, or mine traipsing them to a million things.
He is young. Be patient and enjoy your little guy, it goes by so fast....
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Aingeal
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| Posted: June 08 2012 at 5:30pm | IP Logged
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My daughter was much like this through quite a bit of her 4th year. It was only when she was about 5 that she came out of her shell a bit and has enjoyed activities that require socialization.
If your doctor thinks there might be a hearing or vision problem, then I would proceed and see if i could be present, hold my son, make him comfortable to get the tests done.
If it's just the shyness that worries you and there isn't a real hint there might be a medical issue, my instinct would be to be gentle and let him take his time to come out into the world more. I know I get overwhelmed by crowds and prefer more quiet activities. Some people just aren't super social;)
Praying for you and your son.
Angela
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Angela
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4Real Forums : Nurturing the Years of Wonder
Topic: Extreme shyness/fear
